My tale of singledom woe - want to change that and find someone

SingleGuy

Ok. So here's the story. Guy in his mid-30's who has never had much luck with the ladies. I've only ever dated a couple of times and the longest relationship I had lasted around 3 months. I've had a number of one night stands but they were that for a reason in that neither of us were interested in pursuing things further for one reason or other.

I've always been really unlucky as well in that any girl I was attracted to was not interested in me while any girl who was attracted to me, I was not interested in her. Go figure!

When I was younger, I never wanted a gf - I'll be brutally honest and say that I wasn't ready for it and I didn't want the "hassle" (a wrong choice of words I know, but hopefully you get the picture). I was very happy being young, free and single enjoying the social life that a person has.

Then, in what seemed to happen overnight, all of my friends had settled down with their other half or had got married and/or had kids leaving me at a very loose end. Suddenly, I found myself alone and with nobody to go out with for a drink or whatever.

As I am the only single one amongst my friends, I find myself being left out of occasions as they are only for couples or people with families. I've been invited to a large number of weddings and I absolutely dread of the thought of them, it is not much fun to go to something like that when you are the only single person there and you feel like you are a hindrance to everyone else or just getting in the way.

I have never been any use "on the pull", as it were. I am absolutely hopeless at approaching someone and trying to chat them up, I just clam up altogether and I never know what to say. I usually end up just admiring someone from afar for the night, trying desperately to pluck up the courage to approach them and figure out what to say. Inevitably, the night ends with nothing happening and me kicking myself about it for the next couple of days.

Anyway, I suppose the reason behind this rambling post is that I am looking for help. I really would like to find someone but I don't think I ever will to be honest. I know this sounds dramatic and over the top, but, I have pretty much resigned myself to being single forever. It's not something I want but I don't see how things will change.

The pub/club scene is not going to work for me, it never has, and I don't seem to meet anyone at all there any more. I've thought about internet dating but I'm not sure about it at all. Plus, the prospect of someone I knew seeing my picture and profile......there would be nothing but inquiries, slagging and just a pain in the a$$ in general. I've no idea what options I have.

I'm not looking for instant coupledom and the instant marriage/mortgage/kids situation, I don't think I am ready for that yet but I would just like to meet someone and see if we can build a relationship. What happens from there, happens.

So, good people of Boards, what advice/help/tips/information would you give to someone like me? Can you help me find someone?

All replies appreciated. Thanking you all in advance.

MugMugs

Any interests? Sports etc?

Charity work should be considered. Good way of meeting people.

blacklilly

Hey OP,

Well firstly there are many people in your position and it is difficult to meet someone (you won't hear many non singles say that though).

I'm somewhat in the same position as you in that most of my friends are in long term relationships or married, meaning the pool of people I can socialise with on a regular basis is getting smaller.

I would suggest you try internet dating, you don't have to put a picture up, although it does help. It's worth a try, life is far too short to worry about the reaction that people may have to you using it. There's an online dating forum here, it's private but you can request access, it might give you a good insight into online dating, the ups and downs etc.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Online dating has become an accepted norm. Give it a go, I've three different dates this week coming up, its great!

Mint Aero

Internet dating is hard work for lads but it's good tbh. Try it at least. Private pics can be done.

amdublin

Kayaking. Join a club they have beginners classes. Y'all go out drinking after the course and water trips.

Romance sometimes ensues nudge nudge wink wink. But if it doesn't it's always great craic.

amdublin

Think there's some app or website like meet up.ie or something?? Like Internet dating but in a group and aim is to make friends

CaraMay

Op you say you are not ready for 'instant' coupledom etc etc etc then what do you want?

If you meet girls your own age they won't be hanging around. Are you really interested in settling down or just having a gf? You need to know and you need to make sure the women in your life know too.

SingleGuy

MugMugs wrote: »

Any interests? Sports etc?

Charity work should be considered. Good way of meeting people.

Yes, loads of interests - sports, music etc.

Charity work sounds interesting.

SingleGuy

blacklilly wrote: »

Hey OP,

Well firstly there are many people in your position and it is difficult to meet someone (you won't hear many non singles say that though).

I'm somewhat in the same position as you in that most of my friends are in long term relationships or married, meaning the pool of people I can socialise with on a regular basis is getting smaller.

I would suggest you try internet dating, you don't have to put a picture up, although it does help. It's worth a try, life is far too short to worry about the reaction that people may have to you using it. There's an online dating forum here, it's private but you can request access, it might give you a good insight into online dating, the ups and downs etc.

Glad to hear that someone understands what I mean and is in the same boat as me regarding their friends. Feels like I am the only one at times. Where is the online dating forum here? I would like to request access to that, might be a good place to start...

neveah

I'm single too and have been for a number of years now, even though I have had long term relationships in the past, I have taken some time out for the last few years because I just wasn't ready for anything serious after my last relationship. I am now in a place where I would really like to meet someone so I know how hard it is on 'the scene'. You certaintly are not alone, every single person in their late 20's/30's has the same problems!

Few tips for you based on my humble experience:

1. Be optimistic about the future. Don't resign yourself to being forever single, ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?? Enthusiam for life is an attactive quality. Every girl you meet is an opportunity. There are millions of us out there.

2. Work on your confidence. You obviously have a lack of confidence if you are admiring a girl from afar but you can't approach. You need to work on this. There are loads of single girls in their 30's who would be delighted for you to approach them, in fact you will find girls on here complaining all the time that guys don't approach them enough! Take it in small steps, smile and see does she smile back. Is she looking at you? Learn to read body language a bit better. If she goes to the bar, maybe go up to the bar next to her to get a drink, see if you can make some small talk. You don't have to ask a girl out straight away! Remember your initial approach is for you to decide if you actually like this girl just as much as it is her opportunity to suss you out to see if she likes you to. If there is mutual attraction then a conversation should take off easily from there. Word of warning, don't tank yourself up on drink in order to get the confidence to approach a girl, this won't get you anywhere. Also don't think you have to be smooth or have some great lines, if anything this will be offputting, a nice genuine smile and a bit of small chat will get you much further I guarantee. If the thought of this is really scary to you then my best advice would be to start introducing small talk into your daily life, start chatting to people everywhere you go and everyone you meet, you will be surprised at how much more comfortable it will make you and how easy it will become to start a conversation. So next time you are in the shop, make small talk with the person serving you, next time you are in a long queue make small talk with person next to you, next time you are in the canteen at work, chat with that colleague you don't know very well. You see where I'm going with this? All of this will help reenforce your confidence when it comes to talking to women you are attracted to and who knows you could make some more friends in the process. Expanding your social circle is key. Also:

3. Use your network of friends. You say all your friends are married. This means they have wives, wives who have friends, sisters, cousins etc. Mention to your friends that you are looking to meet someone, ask them if there's anyone they could introduce you to. Even if you aren't comfortable with a blind date then maybe your friends could organise a night out or something casual where there is not a lot of pressure and you can see if there are any potential girls there you would like to date. You can take it from there.

4. Keep an open mind when it comes to girls. If you have a set of standards and no girl is meeting these then maybe it's time to review these standards and decide what's really important to you. These girls you aren't attracted to, why aren't you attracted to them? Are you dismissing them straight away because of their looks? I'm not saying attraction isn't important, it is but sometimes attraction can grow as you get to know someone. Right now you just want to get out into the dating world, your short term aim is to get a few dates, maybe give some girls you normally wouldn't a chance. If nothing comes from it, no harm done, at least you are putting yourself out there and getting more confident about dating and expanding your social circle.

I think if you took all the above pointers on board and started to work on your confidence then I don't think there is any reason why you won't get any dates. Women are attracted to confidance (this is not the same as cocky or arrogant). Work on your confidence OP, keep an open mind about everyone you meet and stay optimistic. There's a woman out there right now who is looking for you too

SingleGuy

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Online dating has become an accepted norm. Give it a go, I've three different dates this week coming up, its great!

Sounds good! Fair play to you! Can you recommend an online dating site? I wouldn't know where to begin, did a quick Google search and there just seems to be loads of them and a lot of them seem full of fake profiles of supermodels just to lure guys in...

SingleGuy

amdublin wrote: »

Kayaking. Join a club they have beginners classes. Y'all go out drinking after the course and water trips.

Romance sometimes ensues nudge nudge wink wink. But if it doesn't it's always great craic.

I did kayaking classes a number of years ago with some friends. While I enjoyed the classes and the sport itself, everyone just stuck to their own groups of friends and there was no mixing or interaction at all. Certainly no socialising afterwards either. Thanks for your response though.

Chazz Michael Michaels

SingleGuy wrote: »

Sounds good! Fair play to you! Can you recommend an online dating site? I wouldn't know where to begin, did a quick Google search and there just seems to be loads of them and a lot of them seem full of fake profiles of supermodels just to lure guys in...

Okcupid is a good one, and its free.

SingleGuy

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you say you are not ready for 'instant' coupledom etc etc etc then what do you want?

If you meet girls your own age they won't be hanging around. Are you really interested in settling down or just having a gf? You need to know and you need to make sure the women in your life know too.

Ok, I probably wasn't clear in my OP - was more of a rambling stream of thought than anything else.

Just to clarify - I am looking for a relationship and to be part of a couple. I want to experience exactly what being part of a couple means. I'm looking for a relationship as opposed to meeting someone who wants instant marraige, kids etc. straightaway in some kind of whirlwind romance as our biological clocks are ticking or whatever. I understand that that may or may not happen at some stage in the future and that's cool, would be nice if it did happen. Do you know what I mean? Sorry, I don't think I am explaining myself clearly.... :(

Besides, the prospect of me meeting someone my own age is very slim. Sure all the best ones are taken.... ;)

Sorry. Bad joke. Shouldn't have said that.

beks101

If you have an iphone, download the Tinder app and give it a shot. Have fun with it on your next night out.

Quit the one night stands too, work on getting to know a girl, date her, spend time forming an emotional connection before sexy times.

And quit the defeatist attitude - on a practical level, it's working against you. Confidence, cheekiness and courage are what will draw a woman in on first approach, and what you're putting out to the world is the direct opposite of that.

flutterbye_99

I would second the idea of looking inwards and trying to focus on how you can influence your own happiness. Try to make a list of goals that you would like to achieve (that don't involve finding love!) and concentrate on achieving them. Hopefully your confidence will improve in the process.

Hope you find what you are looking for

Chazz Michael Michaels

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Okcupid is a good one, and its free.

It's hard work though, op. My three dates may make it sound easy, but I must have sent messages to over fifty people by now (i am picky though). Be patient, and learn to accept rejection on it. Have fun!