Violent Boyfriend

LegacyUser

I have a boyfriend who beats me up. he has done it a few times and each time he promises never to do it again and says he is sorry.I have tried giving him the cold shoulder but I always give in and get back with him. This has been going on for four years.Recently I discovered a lot of filthy porn on his laptop. It was disgusting and makes me sick. A lot of it was extremelyviolent and involved humiliating and beating women. I am afraid he will try this on me sometime. I just don't know what to do. If I break it off he will take it badly and make me feel guilty. He had a toughchildhood and hates rejection of any kind.

Tigger99

It's rare I would say this but break up with him over the phone as I'd fear for your physical safety if you do it in person. I'd block his number before you break up with him do he doesn't have the opportunity to try and make you feel guilty. Can you stay with someone for a few days after you break up - they'd if you live alone.

unaoz

Once you realise he doesn't love you it will be easy for you to break up with him and move on. These relationships are like addictions...but he doesn't love you. You cannot see it at the minute. ...but you will eventually. ..you need to block him from your phone and move on.

Bassfish

Trappedincage wrote: »

I have a boyfriend who beats me up. he has done it a few times and each time he promises never to do it again and says he is sorry.I have tried giving him the cold shoulder but I always give in and get back with him. This has been going on for four years.Recently I discovered a lot of filthy porn on his laptop. It was disgusting and makes me sick. A lot of it was extremelyviolent and involved humiliating and beating women. I am afraid he will try this on me sometime. I just don't know what to do. If I break it off he will take it badly and make me feel guilty. He had a toughchildhood and hates rejection of any kind.

You should absolutely contact Women's aid
www.womensaid.ie

Gokei

I'm finding it hard to believe it's porn that has pushed you over the edge after the beatings you received.

But taking you at your word, dump him over the phone, then get on to someone to help you with your self esteem.

Flippyfloppy

You deserve 400 times better.

Stavro Mueller

Lots of people have sh"tty childhoods but move on from it. It's not an excuse for his appalling behaviour. Nor is it a reason to stay with him. I don't consider you breaking up with him a rejection. It's him getting his just desserts.

Mint Aero

Trappedincage wrote: »

If I break it off he will take it badly and make me feel guilty. He had a toughchildhood and hates rejection of any kind.

Pity about him :rolleyes: Why would you feel guilty? dump him

P. Breathnach

Don't waste time thinking about the type of porn he uses, or about the fact that he had a tough childhood.

This is what matters: he beat you up; he said sorry, and promised he would not do it again; he beat you up again, said sorry and promised not to do it again; he beat you up again... and on it goes.

There is a pattern established. I don't mean to sound harsh, because I am on your side: but at this stage you are part of the problem. You are part of the problem because you forgive behaviour that should not be forgiven.

Why do you get back with him? Why do his feelings seem more important than yours? I think that I can tell you why: he has knocked your confidence so much that you don't think about your own happiness and your sense of feeling safe and protected. You might be happier and safer without him, but you think about his feeling bad if you break it off.

Of course you should finish with him. It should be easy, but it probably won't. You will probably need help. Bassfish suggested that you contact Women's Aid. That's probably the best thing to do.

I know women who have been in abusive situations and got themselves out of them. Most needed help. I find it difficult to think of an abusive man who has reformed: it generally doesn't happen.

Please make a stranger happy by looking after yourself. I don't know you, but I'm cheering for you, and want you to get to a better place.

Victoria Fortescue

Trappedincage wrote: »

If I break it off he will take it badly and make me feel guilty. He had a toughchildhood and hates rejection of any kind.

You're not responsible for his childhood. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. If a partner you love has had difficulty in their lives, you stand by them by all means. You cannot be expected to be on the receiving end of their problems through physical violence.

Your four years of it could easily turn into my twelve years of it, and I consider myself lucky to have found the bravery to end it. How much more of your life are you willing to give up for him? My family put up so much of a fight for me to see the light.. but jesus christ he had a hold over me. He got me back, time after time, after time after time.. please don't make the same mistake I did. I had children for him too, then he knew he had me by the under bits. I had guilt about leaving him before, as the children came I felt worse about ending it with their father. He convinced me our first would 'fix our issues'. They were his, not mine.

Please be strong, get support from family and friends. Snap the sim card so he can't get into your head again.. he relies on every text or call back after his.

It's the fuel they feed on

Balaclava1991

Trappedincage wrote: »

If I break it off he will take it badly and make me feel guilty. He had a toughchildhood and hates rejection of any kind.

Why is that your problem? This guy is total scumbag. Dump him. If you can't get rid of him then go to the Gardaí and get a restraining order.

kylith

Get away now. He will not change, he will only get worse. Think of the future, would you want to bring children into this? To have them see you get beaten? To live in fear of their father?

How 'upset' he'll be isn't your concern, and he won't actually be upset, he'll be pissed that he's lost his punching bag and can't control you any longer. His background and upbringing aren't your concern. YOU are your concern. Why should you give a damn if the man who beats you gets upset.

Fridge

Yep, he probably will do that to you. You let him away with everything he's already done, so what's to stop him? You teach people how to treat you, and you're teaching him that you'll get over every thing he does to you.

Dark Phoenix

I am horrified by the amount of domestic / relationship abuse threads on here recently Op so he had a tough childhood? pity about him, he clearly learned nothing from it if this is how he behaves as a grown adult,

his problems and issues are his own, you cant fix him. You are a physical and emotional punch bag for an unstable bully. leave now while you can and dont look back.

unaoz

Lots of people have tough childhoods but turn into normal adults. This guy has chosen to treat you like crap..you are what is known as an enabler! Like I said before. . Block him from your phone and move on..your relationship sounds like a vicious cycle and if you continue it then you are to blame....!

Grayfoxy

Hi OP,

I am a guy, and I HATE this carry on, he is a low life scumbag, end of story, no exception.

Break up with him over the phone, block his number (and facebook, emails and whatever else) also, I would make a point of going to the Gardi and report what has happened (weather or not you want to pursue a case of assault etc. or not) and explain to them you broke up with him, tell them the date and stuff too. Just incase he has any bright ideas.

Don't feel guilty about anything, and don't be afraid about going out and meeting new people in the future, it is easy to fall into the trap of domestic abuse for fear of the unknown or guilt. Be sure, you have nothing to be sorry or guilty about, drop the dead weight and move on.

TechnicalGroup

YOU.NEED.HELP.

First, you need help breaking up with him. Don't do it over the phone and certainly don't send the message with someone. Look him in the eye and say "I'm breaking up with you, I'm not going to get back with you, this is what I want, and I'm not going to change my mind. Please don't contact me again." The purpose of this is to close off all mental space for him to tell himself that somebody put you up to it or you don't really mean it.

Doing this alone is likely to be dangerous. You need to arrange it carefully so that you have backup. A female friend of yours and her boyfriend/husband would be ideal but you must say the words yourself. This provides protection for you but closes off the space for him to say it's because you fancy someone else, but you must say the words. Don't give any reasons, any justification, nothing. If you do it is inevitable that he will find something in it to argue with.

If you live together, make a decision whether it is feasible to kick him out, or leave yourself. Either way set the event at a time when he is returning, or coming to visit. Have his things in bags ready to collect, or have your stuff moved out while he is away. Tell him that if anything is missing, he should make a list, email it to [male helper] and he will drop it round to where he stays.

Block his number, block his email, Facebook, everything, and don't discuss anything with him, least of all anything about why your are breaking up with him; that would only give him points to argue over.

You should recognise that you are significantly psychologically damaged by this. This is not a criticism, but it is a fact. Anyone who stays with someone who has beaten them several times is enabling that behaviour.

You are concerned for him, and that is natural. But you can be certain that he needs very powerful feedback to convince him how unacceptable what he did is - you staying with him gives him the opposite feedback.

If he attempts to contact you, contact the gardaí and a solicitor about getting a barring order.

Finally, remember that you are in no way to blame for his behaviour, but there can be a recurring pattern of women being abused by different men. Consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist so that you can improve your self-esteem and recognise how to avoid guys like this in future.

Good luck.

Ham Sambo

It beggars belief why a man would raise his fist to a woman, it's totally unforgivable. I am sorry op but guys like your partner never change, yes of course he won't hit you again, I am sure he has said that after every beating you got from him full of apologies and tears swearing that he will never raise his fist to you again, all that undiluted ****e, you have to ask yourself is it all worth it, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life getting beatings from him?
Only you at the end of the day can make that decision