How to get over the feeling that the break-up was all my fault?

Starry_Skies

I'm a first-time poster here and I'd really appreciate advice on this matter. I know it's not as serious as other people's issues so I'll try to keep it short.

I had been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. About 4 months in, I noticed a change in his personality. He became moody, difficult to talk to, spiteful and very childish when he didn't get his own way. I hadn't noticed any of these traits when I first started dating him.

Anyway, an issue happened last weekend that led to the break-up. I had driven to his house on Friday night and left on Saturday morning. Shortly after leaving, I got a text from him saying that my car had leaked petrol and had caused damage to his driveway. I felt terrible on hearing this and didn't know what to do or say. I called him to talk to him about it, but he just said that there was damage caused and that was it. I actually felt physically sick for days afterwards.

I finally talked to a work colleague on Monday and told him what had happened. He informed me that there was no way that petrol would cause damage to a driveway.

I took the bus to my boyfriend's house on Tuesday. I noticed there were two small-sized dark patches on his driveway but there was no evidence of "a hole burnt into the cement" as he had described it. I confronted him and told him how badly I had felt over the last few days. I got the impression that he knew that I was upset and concerned, but had done so to punish or spite me as he had done something similar before when he didn't like something I did. This conversation finished with me breaking off the relationship.

He has since been contacting me telling me that the break-up is my fault and pointing out mistakes that I had made in the relationship. There was one occasion where I had a difficult training day in work and when I got home, I was so shattered that I wasn't my usual bubbly self. He also pointed out the time that I had come home from work and not replied to his texts. I had got bad news that day (I didn't get a job I really wanted) and wasn't in the best form. I realise that these were mistakes on my part, but at the end of the day, I am human and not perfect and I was just having an off-day on those two occasions. But were these actions so terrible? I keep asking myself, am I to blame? I find it really upsetting that in all our time together, he points out and emphasises two stupid occasions where I wasn't the best girlfriend.

I believe that I am not a bad person. I always help people out if I can at all. I have also helped his family a lot. I tutored his nephew as he was having difficulty in school. I have driven his sister to places she needed to go because she doesn't drive and I have babysat his sister's kids on numerous occasions. I am not looking for praise for these actions, but it upsets me that he only points out the two bad days I'd had during our relationship instead of the far more numerous good things.

I am also receiving messages from his sister to say that the break-up is all my fault and I have only myself to blame. This hurts a lot as she is a third party and this puts me thinking and asking myself does she have a point? She has said to me that her brother really tried to make things work and to fix things when our relationship was going down-hill. I genuinely can't see how this is the case. When I would try to talk to him about a problem, he would refuse to acknowledge that there was a problem at all and on another occasion when I tried to talk to him, he told me to F*** o**.

I just feel really upset - I am blaming myself, and convincing myself that it is all my fault. I really did love this guy and genuinely wanted things to work out. Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar situation?

I'm sorry this post turned out to be longer that planned.

Thanks,
Starry_Skies

johnnyfruitcake

I think your better off without him and his sister

qdawg86

Why did you stay with him for the second 4 months ? He sounds like an immature twat to be honest. If you are willing to allow yourself to be treated as you have described and then accept blame for how he treated you, I think you may need to look into building up your own self esteem/confidence.

StickyIcky

qdawg86 wrote: »

Why did you stay with him for the second 4 months ? He sounds like an immature twat to be honest. If you are willing to allow yourself to be treated as you have described and then accept blame for how he treated you, I think you may need to look into building up your own self esteem/confidence.

What this person said exactly.

R.D. aka MR.D

Consider yourself lucky that you got out now.

imagine how much he would have eroded your self-esteem if you stayed together.

As for the sister texting you, that's bizarre. Ignore both of them and as i said consider yourself lucky.

He got angry at you about something that wasn't intentional (the petrol) and now he is texting you and saying horrible things to you. Ignore him. Move on. You're worth better.

Merkin

What a strange dynamic. If you don't mind my saying, in your post you come across as a bit of a doormat with an anxiety to please and be the 'best' girlfriend and he sounds like a spoilt and immature little bully who saw an easy target. Not a good match!

I'm glad you had the wherewithal to pull the plug on it but you now really need to spend some time working on your confidence

whirlpool

If you believe that the way he has treated you is what you deserve, then you have poor self esteem and low confidence.

The fact is that you did not deserve to be treated the way he treated you, so acknowledge that first of all and then get working on your self esteem.

If he is like this at 8 months, I shudder to think what he would be like in the longer term. Don't view that relationship through rose tinted glasses. You may have felt wonderful in the relationship at times, but you also felt really sh*t at times too, and don't forget that. 8 months is extremely early for things to be going so wrong.

You deserve better. You will get better. Demand better.

whirlpool

Oh and PS: his sister is basing her opinion on his side of the story, on his version of events; him being her brother. That's why she said what she said.

Put it down to experience, know that it was a lesson you needed to learn, and look forward to a brighter future for yourself.

face1990

Ignore the sister. She's only hearing his side of it, probably a warped version of the truth.

I can't see that you did anything wrong OP. He sounds childish, dishonest & manipulative.
Chalk it up to experience and move on.

LegacyUser

Jeez OP your ex and his sister sound like absolute users tbh. You were only dating for 8 months and they had you babysitting and driving them around? Sounds like they were both treating you as an absolute doormat. Harsh as it sounds OP they saw you coming a mile away an easy target to use and abuse. Your ex boyfriend is obviously pissed that you actually dumped him, it's obviously bruised his massive ego, and the only way he can justify someone (he was just using and obviously had no respect for ) actually dumping him is this bizzare effort to make you feel like you're the one with the problem, that you're the flawed one not him. He knows this will get to you because of your low self esteem, he sees you as a pushover he can manipulate. Sadly it seems its working.

OP you did the right thing by dumping him. He sounds like a manipulative, leech.
Tell both him and his sister that you ended the relationship and it is over and you want no further contact with them then Block his number, Block his sisters number and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did. They both sound like vile selfish people. Learn to love yourself a bit more OP and never accept that behaviour again in a relationship.

Tea-a-Maria

On a practical level,I'd block this guy's number and his sister's too.You do not deserve that type of treatment and it will help you move on.

Stavro Mueller

Starry_Skies wrote: »

There was one occasion where I had a difficult training day in work and when I got home, I was so shattered that I wasn't my usual bubbly self. He also pointed out the time that I had come home from work and not replied to his texts. I had got bad news that day (I didn't get a job I really wanted) and wasn't in the best form. I realise that these were mistakes on my part, but at the end of the day, I am human and not perfect and I was just having an off-day on those two occasions.

Are you sure you're not a performing seal? :pac:

Seriously, I'm not sure what planet that guy lives on. Or his sister for that matter. You sound like a contestant on X-Factor, with the pair of them rowing in with criticisms of where you went wrong.

Naturally you're going to feel like crap because you did have feelings for him. It still is only a few days since this ended so you are going to feel raw. Plus, you've gotten so used to being on the back foot that it'll take time for you to get your confidence back.

The good part of this is that you're well rid of him and his sister. Since when did sisters put their oar in and berate exes anyway? Weird people.

thefeatheredcat

Sounds like you were a punchbag for 2 people

On numerous occasions both my dad and I have spilt small amounts of petrol on the driveway while filling up the lawnmover using a funnel. It does leave a dark patch, but it doesn't do anything to damage anything, just stains a little and washes away.

Starry_Skies wrote: »

About 4 months in, I noticed a change in his personality. He became moody, difficult to talk to, spiteful and very childish when he didn't get his own way. I hadn't noticed any of these traits when I first started dating him.

^^ that alone would have been good enough reason to break up with him.

Your ex has issues. And he was taking out his issues on you. He exaggerated the effects of the petrol to deliberately make you feel bad, which he knew making a huge deal about it would. He is blaming you for the relationship ending because he won't take responsibility or accountability of his own actions and behaviour. You weren't to blame on the stuff he pointed out to you. He was angry and upset with himself, but taking it out on you. Everything he and his sister said you are to blame for, you are in fact not to blame for. You are not to blame.

I think you were very much taken advantage of by his sister.

Block both your ex and his sister. If you get harassed by them, contact the Gardai.

I don't think you were at fault here. In fact I can't see anything that you have done wrong or why you should be accepting blame for any of it.

Edited to add: OP in what you've described, I would see that there are elements of psychological and emotional abuse (particularly the latter) in the behaviour of your ex and how you feel in feeling to blame and in doubting yourself. I think you would identify from the relationship you've had with some aspects of emotional abuse (google "signs of emotional abuse", there are some good examples) and how you were treated, something you should perhaps read up on, or consider counseling to deal with how you've been made feel.

Fridge

He sounds pathetic, bitter and really not the brightest spark. How did he expect someone to believe petrol would burn a hole in cement, when most petrol stations are cemented and there are spills all over the place?

This is a no-brainer. It wasn't your fault, but in the long-run it doesn't really matter whose fault it was. You're incompatible as a couple, so the sooner it ended, the better. If he can't deal with you on an off-day, how would you ever live together? Could you really put on a happy face for anyone for the rest of your life?

ManOfMystery

Your ex sounds like an anxious, manipulative, over-the-top prima donna who's only criticisms of you amount to small petty things which are in no way serious relationship issues. You didn't respond to a text once? Is he for real? And his sister is no better. Consider yourself fortunate that you've had a lucky escape before things got worse.

Oh and on a side note, if your car was genuinely leaking petrol then it's a serious issue that you should get a garage to look at. But you would probably have noticed marks on the road or on your own driveway (or smell it) if that was the case, I've a suspicion he probably made that up too.

Beal Tuille

Well rid of the gimp imho

Starry_Skies

qdawg86 wrote: »

Why did you stay with him for the second 4 months ? He sounds like an immature twat to be honest. If you are willing to allow yourself to be treated as you have described and then accept blame for how he treated you, I think you may need to look into building up your own self esteem/confidence.

I stayed with him for the second 4 months because I was so head over heels in love with him. When we first started going out together, our relationship was perfect. He was so nice to me. Eg: He took me to nice restaurants, opened the car door for me, and just treated me so well. His personality changed very quickly and I guess I just kept wishing and hoping that he'd return to being the person he was at the beginning of our relationship.

Merkin wrote: »

What a strange dynamic. If you don't mind my saying, in your post you come across as a bit of a doormat with an anxiety to please and be the 'best' girlfriend and he sounds like a spoilt and immature little bully who saw an easy target. Not a good match!

I'm glad you had the wherewithal to pull the plug on it but you now really need to spend some time working on your confidence

You are so right in that conclusion Merkin. I do have an anxiety to please others - often at the expense of myself. I think it is connected to my up-bringing. It is something I will have to work on in order to change.

horribleman wrote: »

Jeez OP your ex and his sister sound like absolute users tbh. You were only dating for 8 months and they had you babysitting and driving them around? Sounds like they were both treating you as an absolute doormat. Harsh as it sounds OP they saw you coming a mile away an easy target to use and abuse. Your ex boyfriend is obviously pissed that you actually dumped him, it's obviously bruised his massive ego, and the only way he can justify someone (he was just using and obviously had no respect for ) actually dumping him is this bizzare effort to make you feel like you're the one with the problem, that you're the flawed one not him. He knows this will get to you because of your low self esteem, he sees you as a pushover he can manipulate. Sadly it seems its working.

OP you did the right thing by dumping him. He sounds like a manipulative, leech.
Tell both him and his sister that you ended the relationship and it is over and you want no further contact with them then Block his number, Block his sisters number and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did. They both sound like vile selfish people. Learn to love yourself a bit more OP and never accept that behaviour again in a relationship.

Looking back, I think my Ex and his family did take advantage of me but in fairness I am probably to blame for that. I always volunteered to help someone out if I could. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend and I felt that being nice to him and his family was part of the deal. My boyfriend was so nice to me at the beginning of the relationship and I wanted to treat him the same way.

Tea-a-Maria wrote: »

On a practical level,I'd block this guy's number and his sister's too.You do not deserve that type of treatment and it will help you move on.

I have now blocked my ex and his sister from my phone and from Facebook. I do feel guilty about it and it was not something I liked having to do but I hope it will help me to move on.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Edited to add: OP in what you've described, I would see that there are elements of psychological and emotional abuse (particularly the latter) in the behaviour of your ex and how you feel in feeling to blame and in doubting yourself. I think you would identify from the relationship you've had with some aspects of emotional abuse (google "signs of emotional abuse", there are some good examples) and how you were treated, something you should perhaps read up on, or consider counseling to deal with how you've been made feel.

Thanks for that thefeatherdcat, I have googled signs of emotions abuse and I couldn't believe how many of the signs I could identify with: the name-calling, the sneering, and lack of concern for my feelings. I had heard of emotional abuse in a relationship before but I never thought it could happen to me. I just can't believe I fell for someone who could treat me so badly. I just can't understand how someone like this could mean so much to me.

Fridge wrote: »

He sounds pathetic, bitter and really not the brightest spark. How did he expect someone to believe petrol would burn a hole in cement, when most petrol stations are cemented and there are spills all over the place?

Thanks for that Fridge. I did some research on the internet myself and it turns out that petrol can cause damage to driveways that contain asphalt. I think it degrades the binding material in cement. I did notice that there were dark patches on the driveway and there were two very small areas that had what seemed to be a thin sheet of white material over the surface. I had convinced myself that the top layer of the cement had been eaten away or something. Another friend has since pointed out that my own driveway is made of the same material as my exes, but there is no damage to my drive-way apart from one or two darker patches. You are right that the ground in petrol stations are also made of the same material. I just can't believe that he could be so malicious. A lot of people have said to me that he is quite immature and can be petty at times so maybe this is the reason why he behaved like this.

galwaytown

He sounds possessive plus his sister seems like a nutter,in time you'll see that you're much better off without them!

dipdip

They both sounds completely nuts to be honest.

Thank God you are well out of it!

Be really really nice to yourself and give yourself lots of nice treats. And block their numbers. And give yourself loads of credit for dumping that idiot! :pac:

Big Bag of Chips

Not meaning to be funny or dismissive of you Starry_Skies - but who cares what him or his sister think?! As mentioned, his ego is a bit bruised, so obviously he is going to spin the story to make you out to be at fault, and not himself. He's hardly going to go around admitting that he was a complete dick and that's why you finished with him.

You don't need to see him or his sister ever again, so who cares what they think of you? Not everyone can like us, even if we are lovely and some people will specifically not like us because we are lovely!!

Ignore them now. As the days go on you will see things more clearly, and realise how little you should actually care what either of them think.

Katgurl

Cut these two losers out of your life and move on.

Do you have a gang of friends to spend time with? A few girly nights with lots of laughter will make you see youve dodged a bullet here.

flutterbye_99

As other posters have said, it seems that ye two were not a good match, and in time you will probably look back with relief that the relationship disintegrated and you found out what this guy was like sooner rather than later and that you did not have children etc... as if his sister would behave like this, you could bet you would've been in for a hard time if there were kids/marriage and you guys were having difficulties further down the line.

I can see where youre coming from when you say that he was lovely for the first few months as I have also been fooled in this regard. But perhaps that was him putting on a show to win you over and then once he had you hook line and sinker he let his true colours show.

You are doing the right thing cutting contact completely. I know it can make you feel like you're a cold-hearted person who doesn't care but you need to put yourself first here and you need to do what is right for you. It is difficult when you know people are bitching about you even though you're a good person but you need to trust that this is what is best for you. Also, don't stoop to their level and if you see them out and about, remain dignified.

All the best

clairefontaine

I dont understand what that means- the break up is all your fault.

So what if it is? A break up is a choice, you chose to break up with him. He's pissed off about it because it sucks when things happen to you that you have no control over.

Leaking petrol on a driveway? Driveways are built for cars, they are designed to sustain a few leaks of petrol, if they cause damage, he should sue the builders of the driveway.

Ignore him. Have fun. Enjoy your life.

Chloe29

You absolutely did the right thing and I hope you never go back to him. If he is acting like that at the beginning of a relationship, things will just get worse. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Yes relationships take work but that work is required to deal with issues/disagreements and certainly should not be used to try to move on from being put down and made to feel bad. He sounds like a schoolyard bully and we all know what happens to the school bully - they amount to absolutely nothing. This guy is and always will remain a pathetic individual who needs to put others down to make himself feel more of a man. The relationship broke down because thankfully you realised early on that something didn't feel right. Instinct is a powerful thing. Hope your next relationship is better and if it isn't , get rid of him ASAP too.

LegacyUser

He sounds petty and manipulative, that is a very very bad sign so early on in a relationship. You are better off without him.