Confused and unsure

DukeOfTheSharp

Hi all! First post ever, hopefully it isn't a huge mess, though it may be long, apologies!

Currently I'm having a major relationship issue. We've been together for over a year, and for a long time, things were fantastic. We love each other and it was all going great. Summer hit, and we didn't see each other for two and a half months. She'd keep making excuses that, at first, I didn't mind because things happen, and I'm not going to go crazy over that. But this got more frequent. We planned days out, visits, but for the three or four times it was impossible for me to go through with it, she avoided our plans no matter, and then I discover that she travelled to a fairly out-of-the-way place to hang out with some mutual friends. I felt neglected and awful, and I didn't understand why she was doing this. Anyway, I had to talk to her twice about this, because it bugged me, and we agreed to make time for each other...notice that I said twice, because it kept happening. So then eventually, we sorted it out...or so I thought. A couple of weeks afterwards, we were going to head to a party; she was at hers, I was at mine, and since we agreed to communicate more, I text her to head over to mine for a few just to talk out something small (that I can't remember, that's how small it was). She said she couldn't. I asked why, and apparently, she had to help get the party ready...I hadn't been told, though I was somehow expected to know. I was sort of taken aback, and told her that all I needed was five minutes, the party wasn't for 4 hours and it wasn't a big deal, but she declined and wanted me to come over to hers, I declined. Long story short, she called and we argued over a thing that needed five minutes to settle, which I kept repeating. I know that makes me sound like a right tool, but honestly, we were settling back into things being normal, it was a work in progress and we had issues with it being a very one-sided relationship, mostly due to me putting in the effort and her doing next to nothing.

Communication has always been an issue with me, I've been through the ringer on crappy relationships, but I'm learning. I've got a no-nonsense attitude when it comes to problems, I just want them sorted, especially when they're small. So eventually, we talked it out and promised that she'd make time for me, and that I'd communicate more. In the weeks following, we were back to being great again, hanging out and making plans that we stuck to. Then, two weeks prior to Christmas, things started to change. We're both under pressure with college, but she began to spiral into a fairly bad headspace. She was unhappy, and no matter what I did, she constantly shut me out. I didn't push, I was there for her, like I've always been, but this time it started a domino effect. The next five weeks of my life were her telling me she'd make up for not making time for me, making me feel neglected and generally putting everyone ahead of me. Now, at first, I didn't mind. One thing isn't a big deal, but this became a trend. We made plans that she suggested, then she'd either ignore them, never address them, or change them entirely based on a whim, and we've not spent a single moment alone together since. And it'd always be accompanied with an excuse and apology.

Now I'm confused and unsure (as the title says) of where we stand. The other day I was forced to travel home due to some bad health issues, and the night prior, she got drunk with out friends. Nevermind that I was sick as a dog and had no idea what was going to happen, she said she shouldn't have gotten drunk, that I've taken care of her when sick before, but I wasn't in the mood to talk. The night before that, she had told me we'd watch a movie, just the two of us, but she invited people over and then ignored the fact that we'd made the plan. So I text her about it, just to let her know I was unhappy with how it all went down, and she started to retort, in a very mean-spirited way, that she hated getting these texts, that they made her feel bad and that maybe we wanted different things. Now, all I ever asked for was some consideration, some time to be made for me instead of having all of our friends around us all the time. Essentially I just wanted a two-way street relationship. I've talked to her about her feelings towards me, she says she loves me and that she loves us being together. But seeing that written down...I was shocked that wanting that is so much of a burden on her. She's been pushing me away for a while, won't tell me anything and outright avoids spending time with me. Yet I'm expected to be part of her life, always there for her, there to make her happy, fix things...and yet, when it comes to wanting a little quality time, I'm not getting anything. It's like she doesn't respect that I have feelings on matters too, that the way I feel isn't me alone, but in relation to what she isn't doing. I'm communicating, but she hates being criticised, and while I try to be as delicate as possible, it always seems to offend her.

I know this is a long-winded first post, but I'm genuinely uncertain of what to do. I've always treated her with respect, given her time and addressed issues she brought up, but when it comes to me doing the same, she hasn't got time for it. Keep in mind that she hates when people change their plans on her, and loathes being kept out of the loop on small things happening. Yet she can't see, or take responsibility for, her actions, only really accepting some of it. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm angry that I've been neglected, I'm thinking about giving it one more chance, but I just don't know anymore.

Penalty

I suggest to re read your post.
On doing so you will not be confused as this is only going one way.

She obviously doesn't think the same way do you should move on.

MugMugs

It sounds to me that she wants out and is looking for any way she can to get there without actually fronting up and telling you straight.

heretochat

MugMugs wrote: »

It sounds to me that she wants out and is looking for any way she can to get there without actually fronting up and telling you straight.

I agree with this. She wants the "relationship" to end but isn't brave enough to do it herself. She wants you to do the needful for her. So I would oblige her and do it post haste.

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway to be honest

Virgil°

Yup OP. An ex of mine did this to me too. For over a month i was freaking out because she just wouldn't consider me. I kept waiting for it to go back to normal where we were all over each other but it just never did. I spent every waking moment feeding off the scraps she was throwing me. Trying to convince myself that every little affection(no matter how small) meant she was still interested in
me.
She was making plans with buddies for week long holidays without me all the meantime I could barely get an hour a week with her.

That moment when everything changed was her falling out of love with you. Despite what she says.

She is attempting to force your hand because shes too spineless to end it herself.
Sorry OP but i would definitely oblige her.

JaneeMack

Agree with everybody else above. She wants it out and she's just letting it drag until the relationship frizzles out by itself.

You don't sound too happy yourself either. Respect her wishes and let it end.

DukeOfTheSharp

heretochat wrote: »

I agree with this. She wants the "relationship" to end but isn't brave enough to do it herself. She wants you to do the needful for her. So I would oblige her and do it post haste.

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway to be honest

Honestly, it does feel like she's just drawing this out until I end it, I've faced her and asked her straight out if she wants to end it, if she isn't happy that we could end it and it'd be better than doing this song and dance. The ridiculous thing is, I genuinely believe her begging for another chance is legitimate and she's the type of person who won't stick with something if she doesn't want to. We were going strong for ages, but she can't seem to get her crap together, she refuses to get help for some problems and then stonewalls me. The worst part is that she knows all of that, she's aware, but can't take responsibility for her own actions. I love her, if I didn't I wouldn't be so stupidly on the fence about this, but literally everything points to her not wanting to be with me anymore...I just wish she'd have the spine to end it, because it's not me with the problem.

Merkin

In all honesty I don't think you have anything to be confused about. It's glaringly obvious what's going on.

Telling you she loves you and cares about you is both futile and without basis if her actions don't follow through. And actions truly do speak louder than words.

This girl does not care for you or want a relationship with you and you need to acknowledge this. The sooner you fully realise this then you can at least terminate the "relationship" and move on. For whatever reasons, she is simply not invested in this whereas you are. Cut the cord!

DukeOfTheSharp

Virgil° wrote: »

Yup OP. An ex of mine did this to me too. For over a month i was freaking out because she just wouldn't consider me. I kept waiting for it to go back to normal where we were all over each other but it just never did. I spent every waking moment feeding off the scraps she was throwing me. Trying to convince myself that every little affection(no matter how small) meant she was still interested in
me.
She was making plans with buddies for week long holidays without me all the meantime I could barely get an hour a week with her.

That moment when everything changed was her falling out of love with you. Despite what she says.

She is attempting to force your hand because shes too spineless to end it herself.
Sorry OP but i would definitely oblige her.

The really weird thing is that she still expects me to meet her family, hang out with friends, she'll actively call me to come over, but there's always a group around then and we don't get any privacy. It's like she wants a relationship but doesn't understand that it requires her to pull her finger out and do something. I keep thinking it's the fact she doesn't want to be with me, but facing her, she won't admit to it.

JaneeMack wrote: »

Agree with everybody else above. She wants it out and she's just letting it drag until the relationship frizzles out by itself.

You don't sound too happy yourself either. Respect her wishes and let it end.

That kind of really sucks. I'm not happy, she knows it, I've made her aware that everything she's doing is taking a massive toll on me and it's unfair, but respecting her wishes is all I've ever done, I think if she really wants this to end, she's going to have to finally respect mine and do it herself.

JaneeMack

I'm really sorry but to be 100% blunt, I think you are both a bit childish and immature about this.

If you're unhappy in this relationship and you want to end it, you will do it yourself. It doesn't matter who ends it but it seems like both of you are burdened with the guilt of ending the relationship first.

Also, she sounds a bit childish leading you on and expecting you to do things with her/her family/friends while not putting any effort into your relationship. Also, why are you letting her do this to you? Do you not have any self-respect? (I'm really sorry but really!!)

Find someone who loves you for who you are and who's willing to invest time and effort for you. Don't be the second best. She certainly doesn't think you're the priority.

DukeOfTheSharp

Merkin wrote: »

In all honesty I don't think you have anything to be confused about. It's glaringly obvious what's going on.

Telling you she loves you and cares about you is both futile and without basis if her actions don't follow through. And actions truly do speak louder than words.

This girl does not care for you or want a relationship with you and you need to acknowledge this. The sooner you fully realise this then you can at least terminate the "relationship" and move on. For whatever reasons, she is simply not invested in this whereas you are. Cut the cord!

I'm really starting to get that. No matter what she says or does, she simply won't follow through. For a while, we got back to normal, she was making plans, sticking to them, for about two months we were getting somewhere and it was all good, and then it just relapsed. The really annoying thing is that we've talked about our relationship long-term, she's always been of the mindset that she wants a long-term relationship with me, but then she pulls crap like this. She's not against confrontation, sometimes she actively seeks it out. This is only throwing me for a curve because, when she gets drunk or feels bad, she'll beg me not to leave her, so then I start reevaluating again.

MugMugs

You're human and you no doubt crave happiness.

It seems that your partner is making you unhappy in general OP.

For short term pain you could potentially find long term gain.

I'd be considering confronting all these points with your other half (if you really want to give this a go) and if there's no let up then accept that she either doesn't want to change her ways or is unable to change her ways and cut the chord.

Merkin

Sounds to me like she likes the public persona of having a boyfriend (which is pathetic) and the fringe benefits involved but doesn't actually want to invest in you or the relationship. So you're there to scratch an itch as it were and be at her beck and call and she doesn't want to give anything in return. You have also said you are never alone, so when exactly was the last time you were intimate?

This really is dead on its feet, break it off today. You've agonized enough over this and it has no future whatsoever - if you're waiting around for her to break up with you that's not going to happen and you're wasting your time on something that is never ever going to go anywhere.

DukeOfTheSharp

JaneeMack wrote: »

I'm really sorry but to be 100% blunt, I think you are both a bit childish and immature about this.

If you're unhappy in this relationship and you want to end it, you will do it yourself. It doesn't matter who ends it but it seems like both of you are burdened with the guilt of ending the relationship first.

Also, she sounds a bit childish leading you on and expecting you to do things with her/her family/friends while not putting any effort into your relationship. Also, why are you letting her do this to you? Do you not have any self-respect? (I'm really sorry but really!!)

Find someone who loves you for who you are and who's willing to invest time and effort for you. Don't be the second best. She certainly doesn't think you're the priority.

It's not the goddamn guilt I'm worried about, it's the fact that, for once, just once, she should step up and do what needs to be done. As childish as it may seem, it's the simple fact that she needs to finally accept responsibility for her actions, I've been doing that for far too long, and the drain has taken a lot of the fight out of me.

I'm not 'letting her do this to me', I've actively faced her down and told her that if she wants these things, she needs to actually put the effort into the relationship because if she doesn't, it's me doing what she wants all the time. I've challenged her on it, and she wants to talk about it. I have plenty of self-respect, and a pile of patience, and I think she takes advantage of that. I've never had a good relationship in my life until this one, it's very difficult to simply let it go. I care about her, and if it can be fixed, I'll try. But if she ends up BSing me when we talk about this, I will end it, because I can't keep this up any longer.

strobe

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I think if she really wants this to end, she's going to have to finally respect mine and do it herself.

God no. So you're gonna wait around letting her click her fingers and have you come running when she needs 'a boyfriend' (in the loosest possible definition of the term) to accompany her to a party or whatever and then she can stick you back on the sidelines waiting until she needs to use you for something again?

This is only going one way. She'll continue to use you when she needs you until she meets someone she actually wants to be with and then as you're no more use, she'll drop you. That could be months away though, maybe longer.

Do you really want to be that guy and put yourself through months more misery all for nothing?

Look I know breaking up with someone you still care a lot about is one of the toughest things you can do. That **** hurts like crazy. But if you don't end it with her now you'll always always always regret it.

She doesn't give a crap about you. Get shot now. Every day you stay with her from now allowing her to use you is another day you potentially miss out on meeting someone fantastic.

Grit your teeth and rip the plaster off. It'll only sting for a time. You'll be better for it.

Merkin

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I've never had a good relationship in my life until this one, it's very difficult to simply let it go.

I'm not being funny, but your relationship yardstick must be pretty skewed if you consider this to be a good relationship - it sounds absolutely horrific.

DukeOfTheSharp

MugMugs wrote: »

You're human and you no doubt crave happiness.

It seems that your partner is making you unhappy in general OP.

For short term pain you could potentially find long term gain.

I'd be considering confronting all these points with your other half (if you really want to give this a go) and if there's no let up then accept that she either doesn't want to change her ways or is unable to change her ways and cut the chord.

The thing is, if it wasn't for the last five week stint, two of which we were at home at over christmas, and the way it went down, I would've been happy. But she simply didn't follow through on plans for us. I get that I could break it off and find happiness with someone else, it's just...difficult to imagine life without her in it, as pathetic as that sounds.

We're talking about it when I return, being ill makes it difficult, and I'm addressing every point I've made here with her. This is a last-ditch, no nonsense situation, if she can't commit to changing her ways and getting her head together, I really don't have a choice. It sucks, I know it does, but I've got to do what's best for me and not waste my time anymore.

Merkin wrote: »

Sounds to me like she likes the public persona of having a boyfriend (which is pathetic) and the fringe benefits involved but doesn't actually want to invest in you or the relationship. So you're there to scratch an itch as it were and be at her beck and call and she doesn't want to give anything in return. You have also said you are never alone, so when exactly was the last time you were intimate?

This really is dead on its feet, break it off today. You've agonized enough over this and it has no future whatsoever - if you're waiting around for her to break up with you that's not going to happen and you're wasting your time on something that is never ever going to go anywhere.

I'd prefer not to answer that first bit, sorry, it's just a personal thing.

I genuinely want to talk it through to whatever conclusion it comes to, breaking it off doesn't give me the one thing I've never gotten out of any relationship, and that's closure. Trying to understand her point-of-view. It's more for peace of mind, as I know I've done nothing wrong, I can walk with my head held high, but I just need to know.

DukeOfTheSharp

strobe wrote: »

God no. So you're gonna wait around letting her click her fingers and have you come running when she needs 'a boyfriend' (in the loosest possible definition of the term) to accompany her to a party or whatever and then she can stick you back on the sidelines waiting until she needs to use you for something again?

This is only going one way. She'll continue to use you when she needs you until she meets someone she actually wants to be with and then as you're no more use, she'll drop you. That could be months away though, maybe longer.

Do you really want to be that guy and put yourself through months more misery all for nothing?

Look I know breaking up with someone you still care a lot about is one of the toughest things you can do. That **** hurts like crazy. But if you don't end it with her now you'll always always always regret it.

She doesn't give a crap about you. Get shot now. Every day you stay with her from now allowing her to use you is another day you potentially miss out on meeting someone fantastic.

Grit your teeth and rip the plaster off. It'll only sting for a time. You'll be better for it.

It seems that way...really. It's just so annoying that, if that is the way she feels, she says all of these things about loving me and caring about me, being sorry she's miserable and that she doesn't want to be and show me how she really feels. I mean, I'd have no issue breaking up with her if it wasn't for the fact that she seems, really, in a terrible place and wants to do better. It's a curve that makes me question myself.

JaneeMack

Only she can help herself. You can feel bad for all you want but it won't help her until she wants to sort out her own problems herself.

Your posts sound a bit confusing too. You don't want any more of her excuses and BSing but then you also want to give it another try? Ask yourself these questions. Is the relationship salvageable? Are you the only person who's trying to save this relationship or is she putting in the same amount of effort in saving it? What exactly is it that you want? Are you getting that from that relationship?

From all the things you've said, you really don't seem like you're in a happy place. Put yourself on the top and think about what makes you happy. If this relationship doesn't make you happy, leave it. It's that simple really.

Taltos

Two things OP.

1. As above - she really does not want or is not ready on some level to be in a loving caring relationship. Best thing you can do is to get some headspace because all this relationship is doing is getting you prepped to be a doormat. Look back at what you have written, more and more you are coming in not even in second place and each time you seem to be taking it or at least a bit of it. Can only imagine that long term your self confidence is going to end up in the toilet and you will accept any scrap thrown your way. If this was a friend telling me what was going on I would tell them to run a friggin mile and never look back, no matter what.

2. Your need to resolve conflicts and use of texts - sorry but maybe look at how or why you are doing this - smacks of passive agressive behaviour and is another way to mess someones head over. However, maybe this is the only avenue this relationship has left open to you - but take heed - a normal person will not accept these texts and if they don't call you out on it will just tell you to get knotted. The fact she hasn't speaks volumes in itself.

My recommendation - as this is only a year old - and because it is so messed up - you need some alone time - get your head together, stay away from relationships and work on what makes you happy - but learn from this - don't allow anyone to ever treat you like this again...

Merkin

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

The thing is, if it wasn't for the last five week stint, two of which we were at home at over christmas, and the way it went down, I would've been happy.

And what about the two and a half months over the summer when you didn't lay eyes on her?

I'm afraid the more I read your posts, the more I think you are sadly deluded. Sorry, but it seems that way.

JaneeMack

Taltos wrote: »

Two things OP.

don't allow anyone to ever treat you like this again...

That!!!

DukeOfTheSharp

JaneeMack wrote: »

Only she can help herself. You can feel bad for all you want but it won't help her until she wants to sort out her own problems herself.

Your posts sound a bit confusing too. You don't want any more of her excuses and BSing but then you also want to give it another try? Ask yourself these questions. Is the relationship salvageable? Are you the only person who's trying to save this relationship or is she putting in the same amount of effort in saving it? What exactly is it that you want? Are you getting that from that relationship?

From all the things you've said, you really don't seem like you're in a happy place. Put yourself on the top and think about what makes you happy. If this relationship doesn't make you happy, leave it. It's that simple really.

I'm not saying I'm willing to give it another chance, but I am willing to talk it out to it's conclusion. It may end up that we come to the conclusion that what she wants and what I want are two very different things, but I'm at least willing to talk it out.

Taltos wrote: »

Two things OP.

1. As above - she really does not want or is not ready on some level to be in a loving caring relationship. Best thing you can do is to get some headspace because all this relationship is doing is getting you prepped to be a doormat. Look back at what you have written, more and more you are coming in not even in second place and each time you seem to be taking it or at least a bit of it. Can only imagine that long term your self confidence is going to end up in the toilet and you will accept any scrap thrown your way. If this was a friend telling me what was going on I would tell them to run a friggin mile and never look back, no matter what.

2. Your need to resolve conflicts and use of texts - sorry but maybe look at how or why you are doing this - smacks of passive agressive behaviour and is another way to mess someones head over. However, maybe this is the only avenue this relationship has left open to you - but take heed - a normal person will not accept these texts and if they don't call you out on it will just tell you to get knotted. The fact she hasn't speaks volumes in itself.

My recommendation - as this is only a year old - and because it is so messed up - you need some alone time - get your head together, stay away from relationships and work on what makes you happy - but learn from this - don't allow anyone to ever treat you like this again...

I might just be on-route to being a doormat, but I'm not taking her crap lying down by any means.

Also the only reason I ever had to use texts at all, in this situation at least, is because a) I'm ill and had to travel home, and b) the night I wanted to talk to her, she was drunk. Regardless of how I've ever talked to her, face-to-face or otherwise, her reaction has always seemed to be a state of hurt that I'd dare want a two-way street relationship. I hate sending the texts, I do, I'd much rather deal with this while talking to her, but she didn't give me a chance, and it didn't make any difference the last time. My aim isn't to mess with her head, my aim is to put down, in writing, how I feel when she's given me no other option. It makes me feel like ****, but I end up having no choice.

Merkin wrote: »

And what about the two and a half months over the summer when you didn't lay eyes on her?

I'm afraid the more I read your posts, the more I think you are sadly deluded. Sorry, but it seems that way.

I'm not deluded, we talked that out and moved on, it was for the best. I gave it a chance, I'm not against any option, I'm merely saying that I'd like to talk it out before coming to a conclusion.

JaneeMack

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I felt neglected and awful, and I didn't understand why she was doing this. Anyway, I had to talk to her twice about this, because it bugged me, and we agreed to make time for each other...notice that I said twice, because it kept happening.

we had issues with it being a very one-sided relationship, mostly due to me putting in the effort and her doing next to nothing.

I've got a no-nonsense attitude when it comes to problems,

So eventually, we talked it out and promised that she'd make time for me, and that I'd communicate more.

no matter what I did, she constantly shut me out. I didn't push, I was there for her, like I've always been, but this time it started a domino effect.

I've talked to her about her feelings towards me, she says she loves me and that she loves us being together. But seeing that written down...I was shocked that wanting that is so much of a burden on her. She's been pushing me away for a while, won't tell me anything and outright avoids spending time with me.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm angry that I've been neglected, I'm thinking about giving it one more chance, but I just don't know anymore.

Op, read your first post again and see how many times you've talked it out with her and you were back to square one again after certain time.

Honestly, what are you trying to get from posting here? It is soo clear from everyone that she is just not that into you and she's just using you for her own convenience and public persona. You probably know this subconsciously but maybe you needed someone else to tell you this so you can face the reality.

You said you're thinking about giving it one more chance (first post) - why? Your problems seem to repeat themselves - it is a clear pattern with no resolution. I feel a bit sorry for you actually - life is too short and you don't have to live like this. You can actually be happy in a healthy relationship without tormenting yourself like this.

Please come to senses and do what is best for you. I really mean it.

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship like this when I was younger. Over 10 years ago now.

It didn't end well to put put it mildly. She was a bit younger so I gave her space and didn't crowd her. Was hard to get straight answers from her. She pushed me away so I pulled back as I wasn't too happy with what I was getting. In truth I let it drift on and had swayed into the way to nice about it territory.

Even when she ended it she couldn't be open and frank and honest. Dublin's not a big place so didn't take too long (days) to bump into her (with new fellow). Didn't take much longer to get real story from friends. You always hope a relationship ends well but unfortunately they don't always.

As you get older you learn that a relationship is either on or it's not. Kind of on is equivalent to not on. Most relationships under 25 are shorter term and not forever. Enjoy them while they're there and move on to new love and experiences.

I strongly recommend not being in a relationship with someone like this. You are setting yourself up to be hurt badly (from direct experience). Get out with your dignity. You'll feel better for ending it.

alias06

I wouldn't even bother talking it out. This girl doesn't love you/ is not that into you. Thats all you need to know. You won't get the answers you're looking for. There is always so much left unsaid when any relationship ends. There is never full closure. Move on.

strobe

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I'm not deluded, we talked that out and moved on, it was for the best. I gave it a chance, I'm not against any option, I'm merely saying that I'd like to talk it out before coming to a conclusion.

Well that's the thing isn't it man? Last time you did the same. You talked it out. She gave it all "oh I'm sorry Duke, I do love you, I'm just going through some stuff" and you thought "great we talked and she explained herself, things will change now. Man am I placated."

Do you think she's gonna say something different this time? Why would she? Works a dream any other time.

Do you think you'll respond differently this time? I think that's peoples concern here. From your responses it seems very likely that once she tells you what you want to hear again you'll cave, believe what you want to believe and be in exactly the same situation in another six wasted months.

But you seem determined to try and give her another another another chance for some reason(what number is this?). When you do, maybe save the link to this thread and have a read back over it in a few weeks. But if things continue the same way like they seem they will, maybe you'll let the advice sink in.
Or maybe you'll want to hear her out again and hear her tell you all the same things and want to believe them all over again and rince and repeat till she meets someone she cares about and she finally dumps you once things are already well under way with him...

Look you seem to have your mind made up and nothing will change it so for what its worth I hope we're all wrong and it works out for you. Just seems really really unlikely.

Best of luck.

DukeOfTheSharp

JaneeMack wrote: »

Op, read your first post again and see how many times you've talked it out with her and you were back to square one again after certain time.

Honestly, what are you trying to get from posting here? It is soo clear from everyone that she is just not that into you and she's just using you for her own convenience and public persona. You probably know this subconsciously but maybe you needed someone else to tell you this so you can face the reality.

You said you're thinking about giving it one more chance (first post) - why? Your problems seem to repeat themselves - it is a clear pattern with no resolution. I feel a bit sorry for you actually - life is too short and you don't have to live like this. You can actually be happy in a healthy relationship without tormenting yourself like this.

Please come to senses and do what is best for you. I really mean it.

I just need some perspective, to see if what I'm thinking and feeling has any merit. She has a way of making me think I'm being unreasonable, it's really kind of manipulative and unfair. I want to be happy, jesus I really do, I thought this time around things would work out. It is a pattern, I can tell, it's just the fact that I feel crazy for feeling that way. I have a feeling that I will be coming to my sense, because people here have helped me realise I don't have to play second-best to everyone else and their mother in a relationship. Being neglected sucks, being manipulated is worse and feeling the way I do shouldn't even be a thing.

alias06 wrote: »

I wouldn't even bother talking it out. This girl doesn't love you/ is not that into you. Thats all you need to know. You won't get the answers you're looking for. There is always so much left unsaid when any relationship ends. There is never full closure. Move on.

Seems like the general consensus to the situation really, maybe I'm hoping for way too much here.

strobe wrote: »

Well that's the thing isn't it man? Last time you did the same. You talked it out. She gave it all "oh I'm sorry Duke, I do love you, I'm just going through some stuff" and you thought "great we talked and she explained herself, things will change now. Man am I placated."

Do you think she's gonna say something different this time? Why would she? Works a dream any other time.

Do you think you'll respond differently this time? I think that's peoples concern here. From your responses it seems very likely that once she tells you what you want to hear again you'll cave, believe what you want to believe and be in exactly the same situation in another six wasted months.

But you seem determined to try and give her another another another chance for some reason(what number is this?). When you do, maybe save the link to this thread and have a read back over it in a few weeks. But if things continue the same way like they seem they will, maybe you'll let the advice sink in.
Or maybe you'll want to hear her out again and hear her tell you all the same things and want to believe them all over again and rince and repeat till she meets someone she cares about and she finally dumps you once things are already well under way with him...

Look you seem to have your mind made up and nothing will change it so for what its worth I hope we're all wrong and it works out for you. Just seems really really unlikely.

Best of luck.

The last time we talked, I wasn't even remotely placated. I needed to see her do something, anything, to back up what she was saying. I guess I'm just so desperate to have any time together with her that arguments and talking it out are the only haven left. And this thread has helped me see that maybe I'm just wasting my time and effort on someone who just can't commit, who wants the benefits and none of the work. If that's the case, I shouldn't put up with her excuses anymore. If she did love me, we wouldn't be in this position. I guess putting up with this **** became something I thought I had to do. But this relationship has made me unhappy, and at the end of the day, there's no excuse for what she's done.

God damn I hate relationships sometimes, maybe, if there's a next time round, I'll get lucky and get someone who actually respects me and really cares about me.

Merkin

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

God damn I hate relationships sometimes, maybe, if there's a next time round, I'll get lucky and get someone who actually respects me and really cares about me.

There will more than likely be a next time around but for your own sake you need to learn from this and really get to the bottom of why you're prepared to put up with really terrible behaviour from other people. You've considered this to be your best relationship (when it's clearly awful) so maybe you now need the time out to really get to know yourself, build on your self esteem and set very clear parameters on what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

JaneeMack

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I just need some perspective, to see if what I'm thinking and feeling has any merit. She has a way of making me think I'm being unreasonable, it's really kind of manipulative and unfair. I want to be happy, jesus I really do, I thought this time around things would work out. It is a pattern, I can tell, it's just the fact that I feel crazy for feeling that way. I have a feeling that I will be coming to my sense, because people here have helped me realise I don't have to play second-best to everyone else and their mother in a relationship. Being neglected sucks, being manipulated is worse and feeling the way I do shouldn't even be a thing.



Seems like the general consensus to the situation really, maybe I'm hoping for way too much here.

I'm glad at least you feel the above. I, myself, have come out of a long-term emotionally abusive relationship and I felt very similar - I thought I couldn't leave him and everyday I was crying because I felt so miserable and betrayed by someone who said that he loved me more than anything in the world.

There are lots of women out there - good ones - but please focus on yourself and deal with your own issues first cuz it sounds like you lack in self-affirmation and the strength to make decisions for your happiness.

Please see below - these are the results of emotionally abusive relationship:

Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

• A distrust of her spontaneity
• A loss of enthusiasm
• An uncertainty about how she is coming across
• A concern that something is wrong with her
• An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
• A loss of self-confidence
• A growing self-doubt
• An internalized critical voice
• A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be
• An anxiety or fear of being crazy
• A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive," etc.
• A reluctance to come to conclusions
• A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after ..."
• A desire to escape or run away
• A distrust of future relationships

LegacyUser

strobe wrote: »

Or maybe you'll want to hear her out again and hear her tell you all the same things and want to believe them all over again and rince and repeat till she meets someone she cares about and she finally dumps you once things are already well under way with him...

This is something I myself learned the very hard way. I wish I had been more proactive in seeking advice and bringing it to a conclusion. Hence my advice above that staying in a relationship like this will just lead to serious hurt.

In a fantastic marriage now though as a result of learning my lessons (the hard way).

Question for DukeOfTheSharp. Is she extremely pretty? My guess (from experience), she is !!! :-)

ash23

OP my last relationship ended in a similar fashion. He began to be reluctant to have me come over to his house. When he came to mine it was like he couldn't get away fast enough. The physical side of things began to diminish and I I could tell he just wasn't into it anymore.

I talked to him about it and he still cared about me blah blah but didn't know what he wanted. I said I'd give him some space but he needed to make up his mind. A couple of weeks later he "still didn't know" so I called time on it.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done as I really loved him and up until he began to back off, things had been really good.

He asked me for some time apart but I said no, it's all or nothing. We've been broken up now nearly a year and I'm with someone else and the difference is remarkable. When someone wants to be with you, you know it. They make time for you and put themselves out for you. They talk to you and want to be with you as much as possible. They are affectionate and you are never left in doubt about what they want. You KNOW that they want to be with you.

I'm glad I confronted the issue with my ex and forced the issue. If I hadn't I'd probably still be with someone where there was no affection, no sex and no time in his life for me.....all because he felt too guilty to end things and I was too much of a coward to confront the problem and refuse to allow things to carry on as they were.

DukeOfTheSharp

Merkin wrote: »

There will more than likely be a next time around but for your own sake you need to learn from this and really get to the bottom of why you're prepared to put up with really terrible behaviour from other people. You've considered this to be your best relationship (when it's clearly awful) so maybe you now need the time out to really get to know yourself, build on your self esteem and set very clear parameters on what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

I guess you're right, I do put up with a lot of this ****, maybe I think I deserve it or something. I've always been good at figuring out other people's problem, just never my own. I get that this isn't acceptable, it's just hard to accept it, y'know?

JaneeMack wrote: »

I'm glad at least you feel the above. I, myself, have come out of a long-term emotionally abusive relationship and I felt very similar - I thought I couldn't leave him and everyday I was crying because I felt so miserable and betrayed by someone who said that he loved me more than anything in the world.

There are lots of women out there - good ones - but please focus on yourself and deal with your own issues first cuz it sounds like you lack in self-affirmation and the strength to make decisions for your happiness.

Please see below - these are the results of emotionally abusive relationship:

Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

• A distrust of her spontaneity
• A loss of enthusiasm
• An uncertainty about how she is coming across
• A concern that something is wrong with her
• An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
• A loss of self-confidence
• A growing self-doubt
• An internalized critical voice
• A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be
• An anxiety or fear of being crazy
• A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive," etc.
• A reluctance to come to conclusions
• A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after ..."
• A desire to escape or run away
• A distrust of future relationships

...I'm kind of in shock that this list seems to tick most, if not all of the boxes that I'm feeling and thinking right now. Jesus...I'm...god almighty. That's a big hit to take right there...

And you're experience sounds a lot like mine, only gender-swapped.

DukeOfTheSharp

ash23 wrote: »

OP my last relationship ended in a similar fashion. He began to be reluctant to have me come over to his house. When he came to mine it was like he couldn't get away fast enough. The physical side of things began to diminish and I I could tell he just wasn't into it anymore.

I talked to him about it and he still cared about me blah blah but didn't know what he wanted. I said I'd give him some space but he needed to make up his mind. A couple of weeks later he "still didn't know" so I called time on it.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done as I really loved him and up until he began to back off, things had been really good.

He asked me for some time apart but I said no, it's all or nothing. We've been broken up now nearly a year and I'm with someone else and the difference is remarkable. When someone wants to be with you, you know it. They make time for you and put themselves out for you. They talk to you and want to be with you as much as possible. They are affectionate and you are never left in doubt about what they want. You KNOW that they want to be with you.

I'm glad I confronted the issue with my ex and forced the issue. If I hadn't I'd probably still be with someone where there was no affection, no sex and no time in his life for me.....all because he felt too guilty to end things and I was too much of a coward to confront the problem and refuse to allow things to carry on as they were.

This sounds a lot like my situation. Only she wants me over at hers, but never visits mine. There was a time when she said she'd come over, and then went somewhere else, didn't tell me, and then expected me to be ok. Then she gave me the whole 'I don't feel well' shtick and I thought 'ok, maybe it's just this once, she knows I'm annoyed'...well she did make an effort for a while, but then she just checked out again. I know it's time to call it quits and move on, love is a bollox sometimes.

Jack Skellington

Maybe on your behalf unfortunately, but between the two of you? That ain't love mate, hope you can come to see in time what everyone else here does and get yourself outta there now.

DukeOfTheSharp

Jack Skellington wrote: »

Maybe on your behalf unfortunately, but between the two of you? That ain't love mate, hope you can come to see in time what everyone else here does and get yourself outta there now.

That's true. I'm starting to realise that this is as much my fault for putting up with it as it is hers. The truth is that we haven't been the same and she's become so complacent in her attitude towards us it isn't worth sticking around. She text me telling me that she loved me but didn't know why she couldn't show it...I guess she's a bit more self-aware than I gave her credit for. I'm gutted by all of this.

Ande1975

OP,

You are not the first person (nor the last) to put up with bad behaviour in a relationship. I know I have and what is so sad is that when you love someone THAT much you do anything you can to rationalise the bad behaviour.

You are so in love with this girl that you can't see the wood from the trees. You mentioned about wanting to meet someone who respects you, not to sound corny but you have to respect yourself first. I've only learned that the past few years of being single.

You have to have thresholds in terms of what you tolerate as bad behaviour. Your threshold is very low. You need to find out what you want (and not want) in a relationship and have the confidence to pull plug when its not meeting your needs.

This girl tells you she loves you but its clear she doesn't know what that means. She needs to show you in her actions not words. Its easy to say but hard to show if your heart is not in it.

I recently had a sad conversation with a close relative of mine who has been married to a very controlling, domineering woman. Its all her own way and he is miserable. It breaks my heart to see it. He said A - you never truely know who you are married to until you see them handle a personal crisis. I know that might sound extreme but it made sense from where he was coming from.

You two have been together a year - this should be the fun, easy part but its anything but. You are young and have plenty of time. Don't waste anymore time with her. You are too good for her.

Good luck

Mint Aero

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

It seems that way...really. It's just so annoying that, if that is the way she feels, she says all of these things about loving me and caring about me, being sorry she's miserable and that she doesn't want to be and show me how she really feels. I mean, I'd have no issue breaking up with her if it wasn't for the fact that she seems, really, in a terrible place and wants to do better. It's a curve that makes me question myself.

Yeah I can relate to this man. It's just bullsh*t she's spewing. She might even believe it herself to some degree but fact is, she says these things because she doesn't have a backbone. As long you dump her she's happy.

It's very annoying for you because you want to have an honest and frank ending. You're not going to get it from her. Best you can say to her is it's over, that you know you're being strung along and that she has some serious growing up to do. Something like that I find to be very satisfying and gives the closure you require.

DukeOfTheSharp

used to be in relationship like this 2 wrote: »

This is something I myself learned the very hard way. I wish I had been more proactive in seeking advice and bringing it to a conclusion. Hence my advice above that staying in a relationship like this will just lead to serious hurt.

In a fantastic marriage now though as a result of learning my lessons (the hard way).

Question for DukeOfTheSharp. Is she extremely pretty? My guess (from experience), she is !!! :-)

She's pretty to me, but it's the fact that she's smart and was there for me when I was suffering serious depression-related issues. I really love her, it's not her looks, it's how open I can be with her, how comfortable I felt.

Ande1975 wrote: »

OP,

You are not the first person (nor the last) to put up with bad behaviour in a relationship. I know I have and what is so sad is that when you love someone THAT much you do anything you can to rationalise the bad behaviour.

You are so in love with this girl that you can't see the wood from the trees. You mentioned about wanting to meet someone who respects you, not to sound corny but you have to respect yourself first. I've only learned that the past few years of being single.

You have to have thresholds in terms of what you tolerate as bad behaviour. Your threshold is very low. You need to find out what you want (and not want) in a relationship and have the confidence to pull plug when its not meeting your needs.

This girl tells you she loves you but its clear she doesn't know what that means. She needs to show you in her actions not words. Its easy to say but hard to show if your heart is not in it.

I recently had a sad conversation with a close relative of mine who has been married to a very controlling, domineering woman. Its all her own way and he is miserable. It breaks my heart to see it. He said A - you never truely know who you are married to until you see them handle a personal crisis. I know that might sound extreme but it made sense from where he was coming from.

You two have been together a year - this should be the fun, easy part but its anything but. You are young and have plenty of time. Don't waste anymore time with her. You are too good for her.

Good luck

I know what I want though, I just want to be with someone that spends time with me. I can let a lot of things go, it's easy enough, but when things tend to chain up one after another, it's difficult to keep my head out of a terrible place.

That's the thing, she often asks what she can do to fix it, but all I've ever wanted was to spend time with her. That's it. It's not hard, and when she does it's great, but then she relapses into complacency and her problems start to effect our relationship. A burden shared is a burden halved, but she doesn't want to share it, she just wants it there.

I've a friend who is younger than me and proposed to his girlfriend after three months. She's domineering and awful to him, to her, he can't do anything right, she refuses to get along with his mother, wants him to move in with her after college to do his postgraduate program there, instead of closer to home...I tried talking to him about it, he's miserable, every conversation is an argument, sometimes he doesn't eat. He outright refuses to see it as a problem. I feel bad for him but it's up to him. I guess it's up to me to decide what I think I deserve.

I love her, I do, and I know I'm acting like a blind idiot. I know I deserve better, I know I do. I know what my options are now.

DukeOfTheSharp

Mint Aero wrote: »

Yeah I can relate to this man. It's just bullsh*t she's spewing. She might even believe it herself to some degree but fact is, she says these things because she doesn't have a backbone. As long you dump her she's happy.

It's very annoying for you because you want to have an honest and frank ending. You're not going to get it from her. Best you can say to her is it's over, that you know you're being strung along and that she has some serious growing up to do. Something like that I find to be very satisfying and gives the closure you require.

She's just clinging so hard to it, it is almost like she believes what she's saying.

That may be the best option, I've told her I needed to weekend to think about things, and when I return I'm going to talk to her and tell her how I'm feeling. I think it's the best thing for me. Depending on her response, either I'll break up with her, or take a break and see how it goes. Taking a break won't give her the ending she wants to hopefully time away will make her see that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have a right to end this, I know I do. I just want the options and know what I can do.

alias06

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

She's just clinging so hard to it, it is almost like she believes what she's saying.

That may be the best option, I've told her I needed to weekend to think about things, and when I return I'm going to talk to her and tell her how I'm feeling. I think it's the best thing for me. Depending on her response, either I'll break up with her, or take a break and see how it goes. Taking a break won't give her the ending she wants to hopefully time away will make her see that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have a right to end this, I know I do. I just want the options and know what I can do.

If you talk to her about things there is a good chance she is going to feed you a load of horse manure in order to string you along even further. Just end it. Be firm. I promise you its for the best. And forget about closure - you are not going to get it because she is not able to talk honestly about what is going on.

You should be getting out there looking to meet someone else. You could meet a fantastic girl that's is really into you and treats you well. You'll look back on this and wonder why you wasted so much time with this girl.

Mint Aero

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

That may be the best option, I've told her I needed to weekend to think about things, and when I return I'm going to talk to her and tell her how I'm feeling. I think it's the best thing for me. Depending on her response, either I'll break up with her, or take a break and see how it goes.

I don't think she'll bother replying to you after this break. Then you'll be thinking I should've told her where to go when I had the chance.

MugMugs

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I just want the options and know what I can do.

This will be a very difficult journey for you op but you know what you're doing which is what counts.

Stavro Mueller

alias06 wrote: »

If you talk to her about things there is a good chance she is going to feed you a load of horse manure in order to string you along even further. Just end it. Be firm. I promise you its for the best. And forget about closure - you are not going to get it because she is not able to talk honestly about what is going on.

Agreed. And you need to ask yourself are you wanting to hear this horse manure in order to convince yourself to stay with her?

As a rule of thumb in my life, I a lot of attention to what people do rather than to what they say. There are plenty of people out there who are really good at telling you what you want to hear but they fall very short when it comes to coming up with the goods.

DukeOfTheSharp

cymbaline wrote: »

Agreed. And you need to ask yourself are you wanting to hear this horse manure in order to convince yourself to stay with her?

As a rule of thumb in my life, I a lot of attention to what people do rather than to what they say. There are plenty of people out there who are really good at telling you what you want to hear but they fall very short when it comes to coming up with the goods.

Last night I told her I needed the weekend to think and sort out my feelings, and she agreed that we shouldn't have any contact. Today I got multiple messages of the same old, same old. So much so that I just ignored them. A mutual friend then told her that she needed to give me space, and think about why this occurred in the first place. I think we can consider me listening to this stuff officially over, and I have a feeling utter desperation is setting in on her end because she can't simply make poor me excuses anymore. The simple fact is she did today what she always does; ignores how I feel when she feels bad. Her feelings become her singular focus.

Lux23

I think she wants a boyfriend but doesn't necessarily want you. I would end things.

ad83

Initially I was in agreement with all the responses telling you to end it but if she really means so much to you I would try one last approach as all the talking seems to continue this negative cycle you are caught in.

Try a ( and i am not being smart ) "treat her mean, keep her keen " approach

I am not advocating actually doing anything bad to her but often what a girl needs is a man who is strong. If you were to show her you can be happy in yourself and stop running for her it would force her hand and see what she really wants

maybe I'm a caveman but texting her to come over before a party to talk about some small relationship issue does not scream masculinity. I only say this as someone who has maybe followed a similar path to what you described with your previous relationships etc...

grateful to hear your thoughts and those of the other posters.

DukeOfTheSharp

ad83 wrote: »

Initially I was in agreement with all the responses telling you to end it but if she really means so much to you I would try one last approach as all the talking seems to continue this negative cycle you are caught in.

Try a ( and i am not being smart ) "treat her mean, keep her keen " approach

I am not advocating actually doing anything bad to her but often what a girl needs is a man who is strong. If you were to show her you can be happy in yourself and stop running for her it would force her hand and see what she really wants

maybe I'm a caveman but texting her to come over before a party to talk about some small relationship issue does not scream masculinity. I only say this as someone who has maybe followed a similar path to what you described with your previous relationships etc...

grateful to hear your thoughts and those of the other posters.

The truth is that at this point, she's just working against herself. I've ignored her texts all weekend, due to the fact that she agreed not to do it. I have, just today, received more texts. It's very annoying and shows a level of immaturity that I find, honestly, really funny.

The text was essentially just because I was making dinner at the time and didn't have the time to do anything else. I've never treated someone in a terrible way, that method just seems ridiculous because it shows a lack of confidence in yourself and the other person. You shouldn't have to treat someone in a terrible fashion in order to keep them around.

Thanks for the advice, I just don't feel comfortable with that approach, it's not something I'm willing to do.

Mc Kenzie

How can she even say she loves you.

Why bother chasing after someone to "make" them have a two way relationship. They obviously dont want the same thing. Unfortunately some people can say they love you with out meaning it and do another.

I question why she is wasting your time when she knows well she is uncertain.

Also Op because you stick to plans and follow up arrangements, you cannot expect others will as well, as there are many people who are just this way, that they are not as reliable or responsive for one reason or another.

But my advise is stop waisting your time with this girl and you will meet someone who actually cares for you and you can have a two way relationship with ,,without even having to try.