Children not allowed keep they're gifts

Daisy33

Hi All,
I have a sad dilemma with my children.. Myself and their Dad split when they where very small, they are now 7 and 5.
Anyway their dad lives with his parents and twice a month the children visit him there. Ever since we split up, every Christmas and Birthday gift the children have recieved HAVE to stay in that home. I totally appreciate that certain gifts should remain there such as large items, ie: bikes/scooters for convenience etc.. But all of the gifts..??
My kids have arrived home from these post-Christmas/ Birthday visits feeling very sad as there Grandmother and Dad is telling them no they cant take their gifts home. I feel so bad for them, I have raised this subject with their Grandmother and Dad and lm being ignored or basically being told (in a roundabout way) to just put up with it..!!
So 10 days ago when the kids came home from their Christmas visit they both got very sad that as usual and the older one literally asked me why do those people give me presents and then keep them and she had tears in her eyes too.. I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so. This message was ignored too. Legally I dont think there is anything i can do on behalf of my my children. And I desperately want them to not have this bull in their little lives. I don't want to send my children to an environment that plays with there mind's like this. They are supposed to be visiting there next week and I don't know what to do.. I know to some parents this post may seem somewhat frivolous.. Please someome with good knowledge advise me.. Thanks for reading

MissFlitworth

Can you not make a positive of it for them? The gifts stay in their Dad's place so they have toys/presents/nice clothes in both of their homes. It could possibly be the reason that their Dad asks them to leave gifts in his place. He could just be being difficult but if he is one of you needs to be the adult in the parenting relationship and turn it into a positive for your kids, if you are really upset about it/make a big deal of it they will too. (I'm not a parent but my parents were separated and from my experience you really do need one parent to suck it up at times even if they really don't want to & especially if a situation is causing upset for kids when possibly it doesn't have to be if someone just backs down)

kidneyfan

So he'll just have an empty room no children and no sign of children? Is it him that only wants them twice a month or is it someone else?

syklops

I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so.

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over. As you say it is cruel. I can understand an xbox or a bike, but at 5 and 7 they will have gotten little things which they might want to keep around like teddies or lorries or whatever. I can't imagine being in that situation myself, but it can't go on.

Confront the issue front on with a phone call and meet the Dad(or the grand mother depending on who is calling the shots) and state in very plain terms, that this ends. Communicating over text is fine for "can you get milk on the way home". For matters like this, phone or face to face is the only way to go.

eviltwin

It's petty of him to insist, surely bringing something home is okay. I don't understand his logic. Keep the visit for next week as planned, don't play games with access. It's not going to help and is unfair. Can you talk to him in person, pick maybe one toy the children can bring back.

Ash.J.Williams

I'm a bloke in the same boat and i don't send my child home with anything in case it gets thrown out.

syklops

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

I'm a bloke in the same boat and i don't send my child home with anything in case it gets thrown out.

Is there a precedent for things being thrown out?

Chattastrophe!

Think of it this way - how would you feel if the gifts that you gave them for Christmas were brought to his house, and left there?

He only sees them twice a month, I think it's understandable that he'd like to have nice things in the house, that they can enjoy when they're spending time with him.

You making a big deal out of it will only make matters worse. I really think you need to be presenting a united front on issues like these. If he wants the gifts left at his house (not unreasonable, in my opinion), then you should make it a positive for your children - so that they'll look forward to going to his house - you might privately disagree with his decision, but no point letting the kids know that, it'll only upset them more.

Daisy33

kidneyfan wrote: »

So he'll just have an empty room no children and no sign of children? Is it him that only wants them twice a month or is it someone else?

He wants them no more than twice a month. And his access isn't an Issue or the issue being discussed.

Daisy33

syklops wrote: »

Is there a precedent for things being thrown out?

Nope nothing would/ has be thrown out..

stevek93

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

syklops

Surely it doesnt need to be an all or nothing situation. The kids are 5 and 7. Im sure they got a teddy or an action man which they want to bring. Surely a compromise can be reached where they get to keep one or two items?

WHen I was 5 or 7 there was always one or two toys that came everywhere with me. Im sure if I was told one had to be left somewhere until 2 weeks time(which feels like a lifetime away when your 5), I would have been very upset.

Moonbeam

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

Please do not generalise , all women are far from being the same in the exact same way not all men are.
Any more posts like this will result in infractions.

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over. As you say it is cruel. I can understand an xbox or a bike, but at 5 and 7 they will have gotten little things which they might want to keep around like teddies or lorries or whatever. I can't imagine being in that situation myself, but it can't go on.

Confront the issue front on with a phone call and meet the Dad(or the grand mother depending on who is calling the shots) and state in very plain terms, that this ends. Communicating over text is fine for "can you get milk on the way home". For matters like this, phone or face to face is the only way to go.

This is VERY bad advice. You should never withhold visitation to get your own way in a power struggle.

biko

I can understand the father's parents wanting to have the presents they got for the kids remain in their house.
How about the presents from the father? Do they also remain behind?

looksee

Did the children take any presents from you with them? Did they come back to your presents? Children are adaptable and this really isn't that big a deal. Most people's grandchildren have a box of toys that live at gran's house, and stay there. If they come back commenting about presents left at their father's house just cheerfully point out that they are 'daddy's house toys' and distract them to the things that they have at home. Certainly don't make an issue of it in front of the children or they will learn to 'divide and conquer'.

LegacyUser

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this us about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

ElleEm

OP,I think you are getting a bit hysterical about this. Understandably, your kids want all their toys in the same place, but their dad probably just wants them to feel at home when they stay with him. Can you understand that he wants their bits and pieces there instead of having to unpack everything from their bags when he has access?

Daisy33 wrote: »

Hi All,
I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so. This message was ignored too. Legally I dont think there is anything i can do on behalf of my my children. And I desperately want them to not have this bull in their little lives. I don't want to send my children to an environment that plays with there mind's like this. They are supposed to be visiting there next week and I don't know what to do.. I know to some parents this post may seem somewhat frivolous.. Please someome with good knowledge advise me.. Thanks for reading

Seriously, your use of language here is so extreme! Their dad is hardly being cruel by giving them gifts, and he is not "playing with their minds", he is allowing them to have their own toys available to them while he has access. I am not surprised he ignored your text, and the fact that you are even mentioning a legal issue is insane! Their dad wants their presents to stay in his home, no big deal!

Be mature, PHONE him and discuss it like a rational adult. "Hey X, the kids were a bit upset that they couldn't bring their new pressies back to my house. Can you chat with them about it and maybe compromise that they bring one small thing to this house? I can make sure they bring it back to yours if that is the issue.". When you begin a conversation/ discussion with demands and claims of cruelty, you are asking for a fight.

kunst nugget

syklops wrote: »

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over.

That is insane advice. Please OP, don't follow this.

havana

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this is about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

Really good advice there from ElleEm.

syklops

Electric Sheep wrote: »

This is VERY bad advice. You should never withhold visitation to get your own way in a power struggle.

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

The OP does not get to change the visitation schedule based on her perception that the kids should get to bring home toys. This is not her call to make. If she wants to change visitation, she should go to court to do so. I would imagine she'd be laughed out of the court when she gives her reason.

stevek93

havana wrote: »

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this is about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

Really good advice there from ElleEm.

The mother should put on a positive note for the children's sake let them know it is somethings they can look forward to when they visit there daddy.

OP are the children allowed take toys with them when they are visiting the father?

ElleEm

Electric Sheep wrote: »

The OP does not get to change the visitation schedule based on her perception that the kids should get to bring home toys. This is not her call to make. If she wants to change visitation, she should go to court to do so. I would imagine she'd be laughed out of the court when she gives her reason.

I know of a couple going through the courts about access to their son and due to their petty squabbles, the judge has actually stipulated that they SHOULD have everything separate in their own homes for the child. Nothing is sent to either of the houses, each parent has their own clothes, toys and toiletries and food for the child.

I completely agree about the access rights. I'm sure the children are not as affected about this as their mother is. The kids have a right to see their dad, as much as he has a right to see them. I can't imagine they are so distraught about not getting to take gifts home that they would forfeit seeing their dad and grandmother over it.

freshpopcorn

I can understand where the dad/grandparents are coming from they just want to have stuff in the house for the kids to play with when they visit because if there house.
If the kids did bring the toys home they would probably be left at your house and then they would have nothing to play with at the grandparents.
I think you need to be the adult here and explain to your kids that they have one set of toys for there dads house and one set for your house.

CaraMay

So you expect him to buy them new toys every time they visit him??? Firstly that is not realistic financially and secondly they will end up being very spoilt kids with new toys every 2 weeks.

I really can't see the issue here and think you are making a huge deal out of something practical. As others have said it's your job to manage your kids expectations which will be a good lesson for the for the future

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

The children ARE keeping the presents. They are keeping them at their father's house. I suspect this situation is not upsetting the children half as much as it is upsetting the mother, and she is the one exacerbating the problem.

clairefontaine

It is a gift or it isn't.

So I guess they are not gifts and should not be presented as such. If he/they want them to stay at their home, they should be presented as things purchased so the kids have something to play with when they visit.

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

eviltwin

clairefontaine wrote: »

It is a gift or it isn't.

So I guess they are not gifts and should not be presented as such. If he/they want them to stay at their home, they should be presented as things purchased so the kids have something to play with when they visit.

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

This.


I can see where posters who say the toys should say are coming from but the man should allow a little leeway if the children are getting upset. I cannot see why allowing each child to bring one toy home with on the condition it comes back on the next visit is such a problem for him. It's not ideal when children have two homes, especially when they are so young, a bit of compromise on both sides is needed.

freshpopcorn

clairefontaine wrote: »

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

Sometimes a gift has conditions tough.
I know people when they were 17/18 their parents bought them cars. The cars were belong to the kids but they had conditions such as not being allowed to have more than two friends in the car at the one time/not allowed to go to certain places.
This time the condition of the gifts is that they have to stay in the dads/grandparents house.

Electric Sheep

eviltwin wrote: »

This.


I can see where posters who say the toys should say are coming from but the man should allow a little leeway if the children are getting upset. I cannot see why allowing each child to bring one toy home with on the condition it comes back on the next visit is such a problem for him. It's not ideal when children have two homes, especially when they are so young, a bit of compromise on both sides is needed.

I suspect because it would be one toy each visit that does NOT come back. I agree he is being a bit of a hard ass about it, but I wouldn't make it a hill to die on. Crying wolf over small disagreements like this will make the OP much less credible when there are larger more important parenting disagreements.

December2012

How about the dad and grandparents maybe want to keep the toy there because they want to play with it with the children?

When I buy presents for my kids I want to see if they're using it, if it's a good toy, what does it do, can we play it together.

I buy so that we can enjoy them together.

I really think you're making far too much out of this and it seems as if you are projecting your own feelings onto your children's relationship with their father.

dixiefly

I think a key issue here is the fact that the kids are only visiting the dad twice a month. That means that they kids only get access to the toys twice a month. Also, if they are visiting the dad, grandma and grandad then there may not be much time to play with those toys.

I think the OP should try and speak to the dad and agree that some toys can stay there and some come home and offer to also facilitate bringing some during the changeover. Children go through different phases liking different toys and they should be facilitated using them in both places. Remember the time that many toys are applicable to children is short and parents and grandparents should facilitate the kids to get maximum use out of the toys.

Ask to meet the dad separately away from either home and try and explain that the kids are upset and that you should both facilitate the management of he toys.

Personally I think its a bit ridiculous that the kids aren't allowed bring their toys with them but I suppose if no toys are at the other house and it isn't home there is a possibility that the kids might gradually not want to visit them. You could also say its a 1st world problem. You should try and compromise, however difficult that may be.

eviltwin

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I suspect because it would be one toy each visit that does NOT come back. I agree he is being a bit of a hard ass about it, but I wouldn't make it a hill to die on. Crying wolf over small disagreements like this will make the OP much less credible when there are larger more important parenting disagreements.

same could be said for him, seeing as she is the one who has to deal with the kids distress it wouldn't kill him to try meet her halfway

clairefontaine

He's only making himself look like an asshole.

He should have just bought a couple of things for the house, and the other things given as gifts for them to take or leave.

looksee

The father is not involved in this discussion, its the mother - the OP - who has issues. There is no point us saying the children should be allowed one toy or whatever, he is not involved. Quite likely its the grandparents who are making the rules anyway.

I am going to make a very unfashionable statement. There is no harm in children not getting what they want every time.

They are apparently happy to go to their father, which is great. He needs to be involved. If he is making rules about the toys and the mother responds calmly and firmly the children will not be psychologically damaged or disturbed. They may well grow up remembering their father as being stubborn and a distant figure, but as long as they have two loving, if separate, parents, that is all that matters.

I believe that if the OP dealt with the situation as I said before, by not getting involved in the father/grandparent's rules, is loving and tolerant and encourages the children to enjoy their toys in their separate houses the children will accept it. They will only be distressed if the mother encourages them to believe they are being badly treated.

There will be much more important issues in their future, this should not be blown out of proportion.

cyning

My dad did this... And I was a teenager. My brothers however were not and it was awful... You cannot give a child (or a teenager!) a present and then expect them to be "ok" with only having it twice a month. Seriously having separated parents can be hard enough without worrying about whos toys clothes etc belong where.

Op withholding access is not the way to deal with it, and neither is texts. You need to come to an agreement with your ex, and remember that it doesn't mean you getting your way or him getting his way. It's about your kids. Maybe suggest that they can bring home x toy that they really want and send it back every visit without fail for awhile, until he sees that they won't come to your house and disappear. Also maybe send them with a toy they really like from your house too... It's all about compromise.

Big Bag of Chips

The impression I'm getting is relations between you and him are very strained. There is little or no communication, and if there is it's strained.

I think you are bring unreasonable, and if you were my ex and dealt with me like that, I'd be ignoring you (and keeping stuff at my house!) too. There is no trust between you two. He doesn't trust you to send toys over with them, and you don't trust that his motives are anything other than selfish.

Our children take their cues from us. If they are scared, we play it down, we reassure them that there's nothing to be scared about and encourage them to do whatever it is. If they are sad, we hug them and try explain a situation and cheer them up.

I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but it sounds like you are the one making the situation worse for the children. Children adapt and accept things a lot quicker than adults do. At 5 and 7 it should be very easy to explain, and as others have suggested turn it in to a positive thing, that the stuff is in Dad's house. And they can look forward to playing with it when the go over. I'm sure they have loads of stuff at home, so aren't really "missing out".

My kids regularly get upset over little things. I find if I explain it away, or make the situation out to be less than they think it is, that it is very soon forgotten, and they are quickly distracted by something else.

You are making this a big deal. That is why it is a big deal to them. Your language and demands are way OTT for the situation. You have a lot of years ahead of you with their dad in your life. If this is how things are always going to be between you, neither of you trusting the other, you have a long long road ahead!

SparkySpitfire

Why is everyone making this an issue of Mom Vs Dad?

As the child of separated parents, they're supposed to be looking out for their children not trying to play games of I win, you lose with each other.

I think a lot of the posters here are trying to side with either parent and are forgetting about the children in this situation. They are the victims. "Oh it's not a big deal", how long ago were you a child? Maybe some of their favourite toys are the ones dad bought them but they can never play with them cos they're stuck in dad's house which they visit twice a month. It's making them have a negative association with dad's house, which is probably the opposite of what he's trying to do. It's clearly upsetting the kids and for the posters who are pushing these feelings aside, pull yourselves together, it's not only the parents that get hurt in separations.

And if it is such a small issue then why is there such a fuss? Why can't there be a reasonable discussion to keep a good amount of toys in Dads and let them bring their favourite ones home with them? They can then bring them up with them when they visit dad's to play with them there. And likewise bring some from home. Some poster suggested doing it gradually which could build trust and that seems like a good logical idea.

TLDR: too much parental power playing and taking sides going on in the debates here, not enough focus on the children.

clairefontaine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The impression I'm getting is relations between you and him are very strained. There is little or no communication, and if there is it's strained.

I think you are bring unreasonable, and if you were my ex and dealt with me like that, I'd be ignoring you (and keeping stuff at my house!) too. There is no trust between you two. He doesn't trust you to send toys over with them, and you don't trust that his motives are anything other than selfish.

Our children take their cues from us. If they are scared, we play it down, we reassure them that there's nothing to be scared about and encourage them to do whatever it is. If they are sad, we hug them and try explain a situation and cheer them up.

I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but it sounds like you are the one making the situation worse for the children. Children adapt and accept things a lot quicker than adults do. At 5 and 7 it should be very easy to explain, and as others have suggested turn it in to a positive thing, that the stuff is in Dad's house. And they can look forward to playing with it when the go over. I'm sure they have loads of stuff at home, so aren't really "missing out".

My kids regularly get upset over little things. I find if I explain it away, or make the situation out to be less than they think it is, that it is very soon forgotten, and they are quickly distracted by something else.

You are making this a big deal. That is why it is a big deal to them. Your language and demands are way OTT for the situation. You have a lot of years ahead of you with their dad in your life. If this is how things are always going to be between you, neither of you trusting the other, you have a long long road ahead!

Very soon forgotten. That's what you might like to think.

Many a child of divorce remember and recount the petty and not so petty **** that went on between the two homes.

username123

What type of gifts are we talking about?

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are making it Mom V Dad, because "Mom" and "Dad" are making it Mom V Dad. There seems to be a power struggle going on here. "Mom" thinks "Dad" is keeping the toys to be petty (he might have his own completely different reasons OR he might be petty!) "Dad" probably thinks "Mom" wants to have the toys at home as some sort of control over everything he does. He might think, 'I pay her maintenance, and now she wants the extra things I buy for the kids too.' Both are diggig their heals in and NEITHER are really, genuinely thinking of the kids... Because they are too focused on "winning" and getting their way above the other parent.

If they were both genuine in putting the kids first, they would speak civilly face to face. But they are not. They are sniping, sending aggressive texts (considering if there's anything '"legally" they can do) and not engaging with each other at all.

Nobody said separation is easy. But too often parents complicate things and expect children to understand the complexities. Kids are kids. They don't need to be involved.

I don't think either parent here is necessarily right or wrong in their point of view... They are just VERY wrong in how they are dealing with each other about it.

People are replying to the mother on what she can do to resolve the situation. If the dad posted, he would probably be offered different advice. But the mother only has control over herself... So advising her to demand the toys be sent or whatever is futile, if the father has no intention of agreeing to it.

So the only advice people can offer is suggest sharing the toys between houses (but the dad may not agree, so that advice would be moot) or make the best of the situation and put a positive spin on it for the kids' sake.

Arguing amongst themselves will achieve nothing. And the kids will continue to feel upset unless someone makes a change in how they are handling it. If the dad doesn't (and he's not on here asking what he should do, so it's not looking likely that he's going to change anytime soon) then the mam has to. And the only thing she can change, at the moment, is how she reacts when the kids get upset.

angelfire9

My suggestion..
Buy each child a backpack
Make a rule that each child can put four toys in the bag at any one time
So going from Mothers house to dad they bring 4 toys max
Returning to mothers house after the weekend they bring 4 toys max
It shouldn't matter who bought what toy when
Kids chop and change favourite toys all the time
Sometimes toys bought by the mother will end up staying over @ dad's house and vice versa
Some toys are big some small so most kids will probably pick one big thing & 3 smallies for the bag
Less chance of big expensive toys getting lost too


What not to do:
1) Don't issue ultimatums you will get no where in the long run
2) Don't use this issue to change/vary existing access arrangements
3) never ever criticise your ex or his family in front of your kids.. Children are like elephants they never forget!

skit490

backpack is a great idea. def talk in person or on phone n explain your feelings thst the children dont understand being asked to leave their toys behind. can see the wanting to get to enjoy toys he bought (as they might be bored of he toys when next he see them) he back pack idea takes away the mum vs dads house toys which is good n gives he child ownership of th toys enablin him / her to leave them behind. also agree with others in no way should u deny access to punish yhe dad. in some ways not being adult enough to ensure you and the dad find a way to communicate for the kids sake is being cruel to the kids in itself.

angelfire9 wrote: »

My suggestion..
Buy each child a backpack
Make a rule that each child can put four toys in the bag at any one time
So going from Mothers house to dad they bring 4 toys max
Returning to mothers house after the weekend they bring 4 toys max
It shouldn't matter who bought what toy when
Kids chop and change favourite toys all the time
Sometimes toys bought by the mother will end up staying over @ dad's house and vice versa
Some toys are big some small so most kids will probably pick one big thing & 3 smallies for the bag
Less chance of big expensive toys getting lost too


What not to do:
1) Don't issue ultimatums you will get no where in the long run
2) Don't use this issue to change/vary existing access arrangements
3) never ever criticise your ex or his family in front of your kids.. Children are like elephants they never forget!

Xidu

This is just my opinion. I think when your kids cried to you, maybe you can tell them that next time when they go back, they can play with the toys again, its like new toys to them every time they go to their dad's house. Plus you have a lot of toys at home anyway. Try to bring up the bright side instead of feeling sad with kids. For long term ship, kids can learn how to cop on with things they dont like to happen.

Orion

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Nobody said separation is easy. But too often parents complicate things and expect children to understand the complexities. Kids are kids. They don't need to be involved.

This is exactly what I was thinking just reading the OP. If the kids are upset about what they perceive as Indian giving then tell the father that and see if it can be worked out to the kids' satisfaction. The only losers here are the children - but they could be the winners with just a little communication.

pwurple

That situation actually seems normal enough to me. Both sets of my childs grandparents gave her christmas gifts, and we left them all at their houses, as we always do. She plays with them when she visits, usually once a week or once a fornight. It's the same for the gifts they gave her cousins. Exceptions were clothes... But that's it. Books, games, toys, a bike... All stay there.

I suppose maybe because it hasn't always been the way for OP, but I wouldn't bat an eyelid at it.

silly

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.
You need to speak with the father and try and come up with a compromise - maybe let them take one or 2 toys with them each time, on the basis that they will bring them back on the next visit and take another one when going home.

Sleepy

Being a good parent sometimes involves upsetting children. I think that fact is forgotten far too often and can only see it resulting in entitled young adults who think they're the centre of the universe. What needs to be done here imo, is the mother needs to realise this and support the father in his decision.

OP: it's perfectly reasonable for your childrens father to insist that gifts he has bought them are to be kept in his house. What are they meant to play with when they're there otherwise?

My step-son would have toys that are kept in ours and others that are kept in his Dad's. Occasionally some toys might move between the two homes but it'd be the exception rather than the rule and there are some items (e.g. the tablet Santa brought him) that he would never be allowed to bring to his Dad's house. In the case of the tablet it'd be down to his Dad's girlfriend having a 3 year old that couldn't be trusted to be near such an expensive and delicate toy and neither of the adults in the house having the technical wherewithal to ensure that nothing unsuitable was accessed on that tablet (his girlfriend is the sort who'd give him the access PIN instead of reviewing what he was looking for etc.). On the other hand he'd have some huge jigsaws in his Dad's house that they build together which would never come down to our house as (a)it's become something of a father-son thing an (b) we don't have a dining table where they could be left out until they're completed (can sometimes take days etc.).

December2012

silly wrote: »

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.
.

Maybe it's the parents who are upsetting the kids with leading questions?

freshpopcorn

silly wrote: »

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.

Children do get upset from time to time. It would be very bad for the children to give into them every time they were upset because they will think that if they want something all they have to do is to be upset.