Please help me get my head straightened

LegacyUser

Im in a relationship with a man I love but im very confused over a few things that have happened. Hes gone away for Christmas, no consulting with me, he just decided to go with his family who were also going to visit relatives abroad. Ive been having a difficult time with a few things and expressed my sadness at his leaving and that I felt i would really struggle without him. He told me to be brave and then didn't bother telling me until i really pushed it that he was staying on longer. I felt quite hurt by this and that he didn't really consider me his relationship, even though we've been together a year, that he just books things like that without a second thought to me. He's away for nearly a month now. He's only been in contact by an email every 2 or 3 days. Not a single phone call, not even for Christmas or New years.

We have a fantastic sex life, and i feel at my best around him. I love doing things for him and being near him. We'e engaged in a bit of spanking and bdsm play etc. A few times when we've fought, he's gotten really angry and thrown me out. He threw me into a wall a few times and another time i hit my head off the table falling. Every time i've been left crying on the floor with him standing over me. We've talked about it afterwards and i've apologised for making him angry and apologised for what i'e done. He's just said yes you were a nightmare. Sometimes he's referred to it as bdsm. Once my head was bleeding, another i had lots of bruises that i could barely move the next day.

I feel pretty messed up now. He said he booked the trip when we weren't getting on,and i found messages from him to other women to meet during his trip from a few months ago, asking them to contact his email( which i don't have access to). He said it was when we weren't getting along ( he felt we weren't getting along, i thought we were fine) and that he's not seeing anyone but would have if he was single and is really angry at me for asking him four times, because the first three in email he just ignored it.

I don't know what to believe, i don't know whats ok, and whats not, i don't understand what is my fault and what s not, and if he cares for me at all or if this is the 'soulmate' etc. He has said i've thrown everything he's done for me back in his face and he's disgusted at me. Im so confused. Any advice welcome

None of this is your fault. None of it. However angry he gets? Not your fault.

It is not bdsm, that involves mutual consent. It's abuse. Please ring http://www.womensaid.ie/ as soon as you can, they will be able to help.

Babooshka

really confused wrote: »

.

We have a fantastic sex life, and i feel at my best around him.

You say this first. Then you go onto say this:

"He threw me into a wall a few times and another time i hit my head off the table falling. Every time i've been left crying on the floor with him standing over me. We've talked about it afterwards and i've apologised for making him angry and apologised for what i'e done."

Then you also say that you're confused. There isn't any point making this long winded or offering up sympathy etc. to you - you either like being beaten up or you don't. You're going to have to seperate the sex games from the reality of being abused as the other poster above says. Stop being confused, yes you're being abused. He sounds like a volatile anger filled, sick person. As suggested, please seek help and get away from him. Men like that prey on people who are vulnerable, you sound vulnerable, please please talk to someone about this and cut him out of your life to give yourself a chance to get past this. Hope you walk away and don't look back.

Why do you apologise to him when he's the one who beat you? Do you feel beneath him? He is blaming you for "making him" angry....no one can "make" anyone else hit someone, you do it all by yourself...if you're a big f*cking bully....get away from him now. Good luck.

LegacyUser

You are being abused by a horrible bully. It is not your fault.

Take this opportunity to do whatever it is you need to do to get away from him.

Meauldsegosha

really confused wrote: »

He threw me into a wall a few times and another time i hit my head off the table falling. Every time i've been left crying on the floor with him standing over me. We've talked about it afterwards and i've apologised for making him angry and apologised for what i'e done. He's just said yes you were a nightmare. Sometimes he's referred to it as bdsm. Once my head was bleeding, another i had lots of bruises that i could barely move the next day.

This is not bdsm. This is physical and mental abuse. You need to get away from this man as fast as you can. Talk to your friends and family if you can. If not contact womenaid as suggested by bluewolf. Don't let this go on any longer.

Neyite

Couples who engage in bdsm usually have specific guidelines - what is acceptable, what is not, safe words to use if they want the act to stop. Its a mutual, respectful activity where actually the person who is the recipient is really in charge, because they get to decide how far the act goes.

Did you have a safe word agreed before he threw you into a wall? Did you consent prior to that saying "I would get really turned on if you threw me against a wall and concussed me"? No? well then he is talking sh!te about BDSM.

What it is though, is violence. Pure and simple. Domestic violence. Add in emotional abuse, cheating (emotional or physical doesn't matter) mind games - ignoring you for days/weeks on end.

Do your research. Go onto the website Bluewolf linked to. Go onto a BDSM forum and see if they think its BDSM. But I think you know its not, deep down.

You are worth more than this. Leave him.

heretochat

I don't think there should be any confusion here - the man is a creep and a bully..

Take out the violence which is absolutely disgusting and look at how he has treated you over Christmas - emotional abuse I would call it..

As others have suggested, contact Women's Aid ASAP and get yourself out of that abusive "relationship".

Dark Phoenix

god OP sometimes I read a thread on here and think 'I seriously hope this is a wind up because it is too sad to be true' and then I read more and I find myself sad and worried about the OP.

I would consider yourself lucky that he has gone away. You are in a relationship that is physically and emotionally abusive and you need to get out NOW.

None of this is bdsm. bdsm involves limits, control words and respect. This is abuse - he did not throw you against the wall or injure your head because he thought you were consenting as part of bdsm - he did it because he could.

Sadly when people are in a relationship that gradually gets abusive they lose sight of what is normal / acceptable and they start to blame themselves for any issues that happen - you have already done this - you are blaming yourself for making him angry, you are making excuses for his behaviour.

Please seek help from one of the organisations that the other posters have given you links for and please speak to a friend or relative that you trust. Please don't stay in this 'relationship' with this bully any longer - if he has already injured you several times I dread when he will do next.

Merkin

really confused wrote: »

We have a fantastic sex life, and i feel at my best around him. I love doing things for him and being near him. We'e engaged in a bit of spanking and bdsm play etc. A few times when we've fought, he's gotten really angry and thrown me out. He threw me into a wall a few times and another time i hit my head off the table falling. Every time i've been left crying on the floor with him standing over me. We've talked about it afterwards and i've apologised for making him angry and apologised for what i'e done. He's just said yes you were a nightmare. Sometimes he's referred to it as bdsm. Once my head was bleeding, another i had lots of bruises that i could barely move the next day.

:mad: This makes me furious.

Interesting how he has referred to it as BDSM. Any BDSM is by bilateral agreement. He can't just be violent to you and cause you injury and then conveniently refer to it retrospectively as BDSM. That is not how it works and the violent, disrespectful and nasty thug knows this. And to then have you apologise after? I'm sorry but this is so so wrong on so many levels, you poor girl, your self confidence must be shot to sh1t.

It is a blessing in disguise that he has gone AWOL over the festive season. It has hopefully given you enough time to critically analyse all that is wrong in your relationship (everything) and has allowed you to post here.

Please take all of the excellent advice in the posts above. Contact Women's Aid and cut him out of your life my dear. Good and kind and loving boyfriends don't behave like this. And you can go on to have fantastic sex with someone else but with someone who also respects you and will treat you well. This Grade A ar5ehole has systematically treated you like dirt and the longer you let it continue then the worse it will get.

Please do the right thing and leave him.

LegacyUser

As someone who has engaged in consensual BDSM in the past, I can promise you that's not what's happening here.

I was once in a 'relationship' where my ex was into extreme practices and 'sex' became a terrible endurance test, just to give you a small example was to drag me around on the floor by the hair until it came out.
He would just say it was bdsm and i had agreed to it So when i spoke up, it was thrown right back at me op, just like you.
It culminated and culminated until it became rape, where he used to shout at me afterwards to shut up (crying).

Your 'boyfriend' sounds just like him, and op, you remind me of myself back then- and this is only a year in, what's it going to be like in 2/ 3/ 5 years time?
Please see that there is absolutely nothing you can do- nothing at all. Its easy for us to come here and tell you to leave him because its crystal clear to us that he's a bully who likes to abuse women.
It sounds like you're getting that horrible feeling where deep down you know its all wrong. But if you're like me back then, you need some outside perspective to reassure you that what you're going through is categorically wrong, and there's literally nothing you can do to fix it.
It's great that he's left op, consider going to see someone professionally who can help you see this for what it is- i did this and it worked.

The very best of luck op
Listen to your gut feeling and listen to the advice people have written here