Did not Include older kids names on a personalised gift to mum

dozy doctor

Hi, just wanted to get your opinion on a disagreement me and the wife had...

We have 4 kids, 2 under 7 and a 17 and 21 year old....

I bought her a personalised necklace and only put the 2 younger kids names on it, as there was other text also on the charm

My wife thinks that I should have put all their names on it as she has 4 kids and not just 2... I completely disagree and argue that the 2 older kids have money and can buy their own gift for their mum....

Now just to clarify, The 2 younger kids are my own and the 2 older are from a previous relationship in which the father is deceased. I can 100% say that it is nothing to do with the fact that the 2 older are not my own natural children, but more the fact like I stated previously, that the older kids have their own money to get a gift for their mother....

And also to clarify again, the older boy did not even get his mum a gift at all, for Christmas or her birthday previously....

Am I being unreasonable or what do you all think?

Chattastrophe!

I would've absolutely put all four names on it. What's the point of having a nice keepsake like that with only half of your childrens' names on it?

dozy doctor

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

I would've absolutely put all four names on it. What's the point of having a nice keepsake like that with only half of your childrens' names on it?

Well the big thing was there was very little room for text and it was something that the younger kids say to their mum.... Not the older kids....

So you think that I was wrong to exclude the older kids then?

Flippyfloppy

dozy doctor wrote: »

Well the big thing was there was very little room for text and it was something that the younger kids say to their mum.... Not the older kids....

So you think that I was wrong to exclude the older kids then?

I have to say I think you should have gotten all four really. It's 'overlookable' but when sibs come into things don't split them up. Especially given the situation you're all in, there already is a divide there.

dozy doctor

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I have to say I think you should have gotten all four really. It's 'overlookable' but when sibs come into things don't split them up. Especially given the situation you're all in, there already is a divide there.

I do agree 100% with what you are saying with regard to the divide as the natural father is not here etc, but it was never meant like that at all....

It as supposed to be a xmas gift from the 2 younger kids to her as I assumed the older kids would be getting their own gift as they have cash. That is where I was coming from....

PucaMama

Since you feel the need to straight away say they are not yours I do think that's partly the issue

dozy doctor

PucaMama wrote: »

Since you feel the need to straight away say they are not yours I do think that's partly the issue

Not at all, I just wanted people aware of the situation....
Had I not mentioned it, it would have been a misrepresentation of the truth...

I do regard them as my own...

Chattastrophe!

I think, though, with "sentimental" gifts like that, it should be an all-or-nothing kind of thing ... either include all of them, or don't do it at all. No reason you couldn't have included all four names, but still have had it as a gift from just the younger two. Even if it meant going for a different style of locket, or different text.

dozy doctor

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

I think, though, with "sentimental" gifts like that, it should be an all-or-nothing kind of thing ... either include all of them, or don't do it at all. No reason you couldn't have included all four names, but still have had it as a gift from just the younger two. Even if it meant going for a different style of locket, or different text.

Agreed..... Boy have I learned from this.....

Thanks for your input

The Diddakoi

Similar situation as yourself, 2 older kids from previous marriage.
My husband would have done exactly the same as you, with the same reasoning of older kids having own money and buying their own gift.
I would have probably had a similar reaction to your wife, even though I understand your reasoning completely.
Women !!

PucaMama

alf66 wrote: »

Similar situation as yourself, 2 older kids from previous marriage.
My husband would have done exactly the same as you, with the same reasoning of older kids having own money and buying their own gift.
I would have probably had a similar reaction to your wife, even though I understand your reasoning completely.
Women !!

Please don't put the reaction down to "women! " she had a perfectly normal reaction to him leaving the older children out of it.

djk1000

dozy doctor wrote: »

Well the big thing was there was very little room for text and it was something that the younger kids say to their mum.... Not the older kids....

It's a sentimental gift, I don't think you can use practicality as a reason as this might be a bit of a sensitive issue for your other half.

The Diddakoi

PucaMama wrote: »

Please don't put the reaction down to "women! " she had a perfectly normal reaction to him leaving the older children out of it.

But it is a "women's" reaction.

Littlelulu13

Could you get a bracelet to match with the older kids names on it?

I can see you didn't mean any harm by it but honestly everyone is going to think it was intentional to leave the two out that are not biologically yours. I'm sure the older kids might feel like outsiders too. Your wife might question your attitude towards them. Dangerous territory to be going into.

I suggest doing something to rectify it anyway. I wouldn't leave it as it is.

PucaMama

alf66 wrote: »

But it is a "women's" reaction.

No anyone could feel the same make or female

Big Bag of Chips

I know it's too late now, and "lesson learned", but if it was a gift to the mother from the kids, then it should have included ALL her children's names. If all names didn't fit, then something that could be engraved with all names should have been chosen instead. It was a "personalised gift to mum", as you say yourself. She is mum to 4, not 2.

You say you assumed the older kids would be buying something themselves, but did you ask? Did you discuss with them if they'd like to be included (and even contribute some of their own money to the gift?)

Even though it wasn't your intention it does come across as you bought the gift from "your" kids, and that is how it will come across to others.

dozy doctor

Having spoken to my wife again, I am going to get another charm to go with the one i bought her for xmas with a message from the two older boys on it.... and give it to her soon....

I figure I made a mistake on getting her something as sentimental as this without the two older boys on it....

Sure isn't life for learning and I for one am constantly learning

Thanks again to all for their input....

bp

That's a good idea. And I see why you did it but as you said lesson learned :-)

Flippyfloppy

alf66 wrote: »

But it is a "women's" reaction.

So if a wife did the same thing, left her 'husbands daughters from a previous wife' names out of a gift from their children, including only her maternal children's names, it would be ok?

The Diddakoi

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

So if a wife did the same thing, left her 'husbands daughters from a previous wife' names out of a gift from their children, including only her maternal children's names, it would be ok?

You'd be better off asking a man that

SparkySpitfire

Yeah, in the nicest possible way you made a bit of a boo-boo here. I understand where you're coming from, but since the present itself is a sentimental keepsake (lovely idea btw), it really should have all the kids' names on it and you could've given a card to reinforce that the present is from the younger ones only (You may have already done this).

Well you've learned from your mistake now anyway and all you can do now is try rectify it and move on.

Edit: Dunno how I missed your last post! Fair play for realising the error and fixing it.

daithi84

i think you should replace the one you got with a new one with all 4 names instead of a 2nd one with the older boys names on it and it would really come across as old family and new family. I understand the argument of the older kids have their own money but you cant get a present with only the younger kids names on it as it really emphasises exclusion, if you were getting something without names that would be fine to say it was just from the younger ones but not something so sentimental.

Moonbeam

I would have put the 4 names on it too but can fully understand why you only put the younger 2 kids names on it.
They are young and yours and can not buy their own gifts.

Xidu

I think you should either put just your own name on it or put all the names on it.
Maybe you think it's because they are old enough to buy presents, but the mom and the 2 old kids will not think the same. Also, I don't agree that kids must buy presents for their moms for every single birthday.

Branoic

I don't have anything new to add to the topic itself, as its pretty much all been said and issue resolved. But I just wanted to say how surprisingly refreshing it is to read a thread where an OP seeks advice / opinions and then actually accepts whats given!

Far too often in all sorts of forums, an OP will create a thread seeking opinions, and will then throw a hissy fit when the opinions offered are contrary to their already-held views, because in reality all they wanted was validation for the opinion they already have. The threads then devolve into petty and pointless arguements.

So well done OP

carolinespring

Without a doubt you should have put all the children's names on the charm. She is a mother to 4 and not just 2. All the children would hold the same place in your wife's heart. I suggest that you get another charm with the older 2 children's names on it. The fact that the 2 older kids have money to buy a gift has nothing to do with this. I would worry that this could be hurtful to the older children.

The Princess Bride

Hi OP.

Are you sure it's too late to change it?
My daughter was given a beautiful gift from my best friend-an engraved pendant.
The name was spelt incorrectly, I returned it to the jewellers and they repolished it and reingraved it with correct spelling.

Worth looking into,perhaps?