Too shy talking to men!

LegacyUser

this is horrible to admit but I have a serious problem when it comes to talking to men my age. I went to an all girls primary and secondary school and never had lad friends growing up. I think this may be the reason I find it hard to interact with them now.

I work in a shop and have no problem chatting away to girls or older men but when it comes to lads my age I find myself avoiding eye contact or not engaging them in conversation. I know that theyre just people too but I think part of me is afraid to be friendly in case its misconstrued as flirting, or in case they start flirting with me, something which causes me to go bright red and stammer etc.
If its a local that I know has a girlfriend or wife then im not as bad, its as though if theres any chance that the convo could go flirty I shut down due to my inability to handle those kinds of conversations. Has anyone been through this? Id love to just be able to chat away and have the craic like I do with other customers, but I get so nervous!

Misty moo

I know how you feel, I am in exactly the same situation and it's horrible..

Midnight Sundance

You're not the only one . The exact same thing happens me also . Sorry I can't be of help, just letting you know you are not alone .

shnburn

im a guy an i got same problem towards girls lol

iusedtoknow

I used to be the same with women.. It sounds insane, but I used to think that if I was too friendly, or engaged them in any way, i'd be giving them the wrong impression that I like them or something.

I got passed it in baby steps, started by making comments to make people laugh without looking at them, then once I was comfortable doing that I would start looking at them. It took me about 3 or 4 months to start getting into it, and it took a lot of work and making myself feel uncomfortable, but it worked.

Just remember as well that they are just people, and you are just one of many people they come across in their day. I seriously can't remember most shop assistants until I'm back in the shop. It was the same when I worked behind a counter. Most of the patrons wouldn't recognize me outside of that context. Thinking in this way pushed me into just being myself with people.

Misty moo

A couple of times I tried really hard to be friendly with guys and my friends boyfriend came on to me you can't win, if your standoffish your a snob and if your too chatty they think you fancy them, hard to win really...

simonsays1

Same as..........

LegacyUser

Misty moo wrote: »

you can't win, if your standoffish your a snob and if your too chatty they think you fancy them, hard to win really...

this sums it up exactly! glad to see im not alone in this, anyone else have methods of getting over it? Its such a silly thing, you'd swear I was gods gift thinking if I was overly friendly they'd be flirting with me but its the opposite, and because of this I cannot flirt so I avoid any situation that might lead to it!

Ande1975

shygalffffffff wrote: »

this sums it up exactly! glad to see im not alone in this, anyone else have methods of getting over it? Its such a silly thing, you'd swear I was gods gift thinking if I was overly friendly they'd be flirting with me but its the opposite, and because of this I cannot flirt so I avoid any situation that might lead to it!

OP, I was (and to a lesser extent still am). Thing is I took the focus away from myself and onto the other person. I know when I meet someone and they are friendly, smiling and inquisitive about me - I FEEL GREAT! So why not make someone else feel that? There will always be scenarios where your friendliness will be misconstrued as flirting but don't feel bad about that.

I was going through US immigration a year ago and this really cute Immigration officer was joking with me and asking where I go out etc. I couldn't stop thinking about him and by the time I was in the air I was ready to marry him. For all I knew he was probably behaving the same way with everyone else but crikey I felt great.

LegacyUser

I'd similar problem when I was younger and I'm a guy, so with potential women.

I'm fairly good looking (at least that's what I've always been told) so didn't really fit the personality. It made me come across as rude. Certain friends didn't help the situation by using me as bate to get into a conversation with a girl via a put down.

After a relationship breakup with a girl I'd gone out with since college I was determined to rid myself of it. I chipped away at it and dated (rather than just scored) all girls who showed an interest. Read a couple of self help books on "how to talk to people". Gradually it just wore away, to the point where I just chatted way. Hanging around with different friends helped. Still wouldn't be the top person for initiating conversation but do it now and then, when the mood suits. I basically used my quietness to my advantage. Being a little quieter and letting the other person talk, actually comes across as confident. People love to talk about themselves. You just have to step in with a question or comment now and then. Stay way from the people who machine gun question you.

I'm married now so wouldn't be in the game at all. Find it fascinating to watch the interactions of people now, when on train or wandering through a pub etc. Particularly find the mid to late 20's girlfriends sitting with the boyfriend they have no interest in what so ever fascinating. Eyes cruising round for attention. The boyfriend has no idea what so ever. Us men are definitely the weaker species socially. You can spot personalities from across the room much better to after a while. I became more attracted to personality rather than just looks when I opened up myself. Have an amazing relationship with my wife as a result.

When you open up a bit more you can spot people's intentions (good & bad) at lot better, which is great for business. Amazing (albeit sleazy) to look how a Sales guy (or girl) opens conversations. They can open people like a book (so easy). Was part of one conversation (me and a Sales guy) with a girl in a bar (that he was flirting with), where the girl basically said she had no interest in her boyfriend what so ever and was on the market (albeit in a subtle way). Was a little taken back (and uncomfortable at that stage) to say the least.

LegacyUser

Misty moo wrote: »

A couple of times I tried really hard to be friendly with guys and my friends boyfriend came on to me you can't win, if your standoffish your a snob and if your too chatty they think you fancy them, hard to win really...

It's a game to an extent. It's OK to tease. Nothing whatsoever wrong with a guy (or girl as the case may be) thinking you fancy them. Obviously don't do that long term or to someone you're dating. But on a night or 2 out.