At my wits end..Advice Needed

SOS1

Fist time post,didn't know where else to go any advice would be grateful.
My story goes.My wife and I have been married for 14 years now and have 5 children over a 22 year period.Over the last 2 years thing have been awe full to say the least. I recently had a safety order taken against her on the advice of "Her" former health worker.My wife suffers from depression and has a Cocaine addiction.Over the last 8 months thing have become unbearable with her lies, abuse and secretiveness.My children see all this on a daily basis and it really concerns me. I've tried helping her by giving her the benefit of the doubt on her getting her act together , but its all in vain.She also had an affair with her dead cousins husband which broke the camels back for me. Something needs to be done as she pushes me to the limit.She says I beat her and use violence on the kids which is categorally untrue.My 20 year old son knows this and has lost all respect for his mother. I don't know what to do, she has been a great mother to the kids and cant take that away from her up until about 9 months ago. I wish I could move out to bring calm to the house so the kids don't see all the fighting,But where do I go I have no family I could move back in with, my only option I can see is a sleeping bag in a doorway.If anyone has had any experience with this I would love some feedback ..... Kind Regards

Zambia

Can she move out?

SOS1

Zambia wrote: »

Can she move out?

No I dont want to have the kids with no mother around.And like I say she has been great for them most of the time....

AerynSun

SOS1 wrote: »

No I dont want to have the kids with no mother around.And like I say she has been great for them most of the time....

What about the rest of the time, when it hasn't been great for the kids?

Is there any way you could stage an intervention to get her into a treatment program that will help her to address (if not resolve - these things take time!) whatever is going on for her? Sounds to me like she needs help, even more than she needs to be around the kids?

Zambia

What are the conditions of the order?

SOS1

AerynSun wrote: »

What about the rest of the time, when it hasn't been great for the kids?

Is there any way you could stage an intervention to get her into a treatment program that will help her to address (if not resolve - these things take time!) whatever is going on for her? Sounds to me like she needs help, even more than she needs to be around the kids?

She has been attending a support group for cocaine addiction for a few weeks now But I fear she may be fooling the person she meets with.Im not sure if she has to take a drug test or not but I fear she still uses. But not on the scale she was.

SOS1

Zambia wrote: »

What are the conditions of the order?

It was just a safety order Where she could reside in the house but if there was any trouble I could have her removed.That order has been cancelled since on the basis she got help.It all went fine at first But is declining again....

AerynSun

SOS1 wrote: »

She has been attending a support group for cocaine addiction for a few weeks now But I fear she may be fooling the person she meets with.Im not sure if she has to take a drug test or not but I fear she still uses. But not on the scale she was.

Ok, if she's attending a support group, that's a step in the right direction for her. And it's not unheard-of that someone with an addiction will be less than completely honest about their situation: but as long as she is attending the meetings, that's better than not. And if, as you say, her use is 'not on the scale she was', then that's an improvement. It might not be measuring up to the ideal right now, but there is progress here, from what you've said.

What I would be feeling now, is what help and support are you getting yourself? Do you have someone that you can talk openly to about how you feel about all of this? I imagine this has been very stressful for you, and I'd hope there's someone that you feel you can turn to when things are a bit bumpy?

SOS1

Apologies but I need to log off now,But anyone who has advice please keeping posting and I will read your replies tomorrow.... Kind Regards

SOS1

AerynSun wrote: »

Ok, if she's attending a support group, that's a step in the right direction for her. And it's not unheard-of that someone with an addiction will be less than completely honest about their situation: but as long as she is attending the meetings, that's better than not. And if, as you say, her use is 'not on the scale she was', then that's an improvement. It might not be measuring up to the ideal right now, but there is progress here, from what you've said.

What I would be feeling now, is what help and support are you getting yourself? Do you have someone that you can talk openly to about how you feel about all of this? I imagine this has been very stressful for you, and I'd hope there's someone that you feel you can turn to when things are a bit bumpy?

Unfortunately I dont have many people to confide in. At first things looked like they where moving forward but cant help feeling there in a rapid decline.. Thank you

AerynSun

SOS1 wrote: »

Unfortunately I dont have many people to confide in.

Well, don't be shy to lean on the ones around you when you feel a bit down. And if you're ever feeling distressed and need to talk urgently and there's really nobody about the place, the Samaritans are always there (24/7): 24 hour listening service, to talk to someone about whatever's on your mind. Call 1850 60 90 90.

At first things looked like they where moving forward but cant help feeling there in a rapid decline.. Thank you

I don't know what is happening that makes you feel that things are in a decline - but do know that sometimes getting to a place of calm (like getting her to agree to go to a support group), can give a person enough breathing space to take a brave look at the situation and see how bad it is.... and then things can feel like they're really awful, when it's really a feeling that's just catching up, delayed... and the reality of the situation is that things are actually relatively stable right at that minute (compared to how they were in the days/weeks prior), apart from the wave of feelings rushing in where there was no room for the feelings before?

I wish you every good thing - fingers crossed she finds her way over the bumps and that the support group helps her, and that you also get the care and support that you need through this difficult situation. I'll be sending positive energy your way!

Taltos

Better here OP as the S&D forum is for advice and support around separation and support.
Can I remind anyone who has followed this thread that the RI charter now applies, please read it as this forum is strictly moderated.

OP if you want advice on separation please let us know and we can move this back for you.

Merkin

What age are your kids OP? Is residential rehab an option? Would she agree to this? Addicts are liars so her saying she is going to a support group wouldn't convince me that she has done anything to actually address her habit.

Tramps Like Us

OP do you want to stay with your wife?

Personally I would do what I can to get her removed from the house. She has not been a good mother, she has abused drugs and made up horrible lies about you - everything you have described is a terrible environment to bring kids up in and is doing untold damage to your young children. You cannot leave and leave your kids with such an abusive, unstable and dangerous woman. So the solution OP is staring you in the face. You have given her every chance and have gone far above and beyond the call of duty imo. You have to do what is best for your kids now.

jellyboy

Hi op

From reading your post ,i get the sense that your wife is in the throes of a full blown addiction
this is so dangerous for you and your children ..

i would advocate the tough love approach ,you are supporting/enabling her in the addiction The guarantees of addiction are;

- If you make it easy to do drug in your home. They will continue to use.

- If you live in denial they will continue to let you deny as they continue to use.

- If you don’t allow them to experience consequences while using they will continue to use.

- If you save them when they use, they will continue to use.

you need to remove her from harming you and your children through her drug use
if you have young children and social workers get involved there might be no option but for your wife to go

get support for you ,if she doesn't want to engage with services ..then you should , as they will support you in many ways its not easy op to make the moves ,but in time to come the reward will come

the ability for your wife to lie and cheat easily won't disappear overnight and unless you protect yourself and your kids could have far reaching effects..

Victoria Fortescue

SOS1 wrote: »

It was just a safety order Where she could reside in the house but if there was any trouble I could have her removed.That order has been cancelled since on the basis she got help.It all went fine at first But is declining again....

Do you mean protection order or safety order? The safety orders are normally set for a specific time period, I've never heard of one being cancelled. If you sense a change get something reinstated, for yours and the kids safety. It really is a worthwhile piece of paper. If you genuinely fear she is going back to her old ways you need to set aside the idea of her having an equal Co-parenting role, and start steering this ship. She is not in control of her life, therefore you are going to have to step up to the plate. She will have no motivation to change her ways unless you stand up and give her the ultimatum. She needs to commit to and continue treatment or its over.

As well as children's basic needs for survival, they need a home that they feel loved in. Children grow up to be a product of their own environment, and you're on your own until / if their mother gets help she needs and stays committed. Don't look at it like you are taking away their mother, you are temporarily intervening to give her the push she needs to get help.

In the meantime reassure the children about changes, small bite sized understandable language that is positive and supportive for the younger ones. Children need to feel secure.

SOS1

Lots of really sincere advise and I appreciate it very much. I have talked with my eldest son (20) many times about our situation and if I was to have her removed from the home he told me he could never forgive me in doing so. I love my children and don't want to turn them against me if I can help it. I know this might sound strange but its something I cant afford to do, alienate my children and removing her would certainly do that. I feel like I am stuck between rock and a hard place........ I am from Ireland so I not to familiar with our Laws over here on how to progress.

jellyboy

SOS1 wrote: »

Lots of really sincere advise and I appreciate it very much. I have talked with my eldest son (20) many times about our situation and if I was to have her removed from the home he told me he could never forgive me in doing so. I love my children and don't want to turn them against me if I can help it. I know this might sound strange but its something I cant afford to do, alienate my children and removing her would certainly do that. I feel like I am stuck between rock and a hard place........ I am from Ireland so I not to familiar with our Laws over here on how to progress.

Hi op

this has nothing to do with your son
it has everything to do with your descion making as the parent

the "kids" will be emotional about choices ,you have to be practail

Ham Sambo

I feel for you, but at the end of the day you have to think what is right for you and the kids, if she really and truly wants to get better and be a Mum to her kids again she will have to listen to the professionals and get proper help, best of luck to you and your family