Confused about behaviour of friend ...:/

LegacyUser

Going un-reg for this one. Apologies for the detailed post, I'm just trying to give an accurate account of what happened.

I'm looking for advice regarding the behaviour of one of my best friends on a recent night out (New Years Eve to be exact). A bit of background first. I'm female (28, single) and my best friend of nearly 10 years is a guy (30, married and not very happy in it...lets call him .

Anyway on New Year's Eve we were down in the local celebrating with our other close friends and family. The night was going great and many, many drinks were had. Towards the end of the night and B and I are at the bar talking sh!te and downing shots. This is a usual occurance for us as even though we are close, we rarely get the chance to talk in person so we nearly always end up sitting on our own for a while,getting rat-arsed, catching up and having a laugh (we only ever get to talk in person about once a month due to work, college commitments and stuff). We toasted the New Year and started reminiscing about all the good and the bad things that had happened during 2013. I came out of a long term relationship in March last year so we were doing the typical "Good riddance to that as*hole" routine when he reassuringly told me that I deserved much better than my ex, etc etc and he then proceeded to tell me that he loved me. I genuinely thought it was a kind of "I love you buddy" comment... we return to talking crAp and having giggles and eventually return to the larger group of friends.

At some point after this, I go out for a cigarette, it's lashing out of the heavens so I come back in quick enough and as I walk passed the gent's on the way back inside, B comes out and thinks that I have been crying (I wasn't, my face was just wet from being out in the rain). He asks if I'm OK, I say I'm fine that its just rain and start to walk away from him. He then takes hold of my arm and pulls me really close and ask's again if I'm OK. I again say that I'm fine so he lets go of me and we head back to our friends.

Eventually we are all waiting for Taxis to take us all home and he asks If I wanted to come back to their place for more drinks (again, a regular enough occurance) but I was in a bad way from drink at this stage so I declined. Me, B and B's wife and a neighbour are all heading in the same direction so we share a cab. I'm sitting in the middle at the back, B on one side and B's wife on the other. B ask's again if I'd like to stop at theirs, I say thanks but no thanks. Next thing I know is he begins stroking my leg, I shoot him a look of death but he looks right at me and keeps doing it, so as discreetly as I can I grab the offending hand and squeeze it hard as if to say "Stop!". He stops but he proceeds to hold and stroke my hand the whole way till we drop them at their place. I didn't want to react in case it the wife copped on to what he was doing and to be honest I was just so shocked I couldn't think of how to deal with it without making a scene. B's wife hopped out of the cab and then B turns to me and said "I really wish you'd come in tonight, I really want to talk more with you"..gives me a peck on the cheek and hops out of the car.I get home, pass out asleep and wake up the following morning with the hangover from hell.

For the last two day's I've been going over and over what happened that night and I don't know how to react.....This kind of behaviour is completely and utterly out of character for him, for him to behave like this anyway is a complete and utter shock, but to behave like this towards me has me confused.....that's the only way I can explain it, as confusion. I have absolutely no feelings for him other than I love him as a friend, nothing romantic, I don't "fancy" him. I am hoping that this was just him being P!ssed out of his mind and getting some silly notion into his head and (hopefully) doesn't even remember it now. However, I am equally appalled that he was brazen enough to do something like this in front of his wife!! They are having a rough time of it lately, they're under a lot of stress they argue etc etc , but this is not an excuse!!!

We have talked, well texted, since then but it's just been the usual chit-chat. Absolutely no mention of what happened in the taxi or back at the pub..

I suppose, what I'm asking for here folks is a bit of advice on how to handle this. I was thinking about meeting up with him at the weekend and saying something along the lines of
"Do you remember what happened? I know you were drunk but it can't happen again" or some-such. However, I am afraid of the response I'll get. He's a very sweet, sensitive guy and if this was just a drunken stupid thing that he's forgotten since he sobered up, he'd never forgive himself and he would no-doubt confess to the wife and distance himself from me. If it honestly was just a once-off drunken thing then, I don't think it would be worth all that grief and upheaval. Would it be better if I just ignore it?!?

If it was more than that....I'm equally terrified of the gigantic sh!tstorm this could cause! I wouldn't ever be able to look his wife in the face again knowing that he (might) have feelings for me or (may) have been trying to get a bit-on-the-side going (But I genuinely think that the last two are NOT the case...or at least I hope not).

How do you think I should handle this?! Any help is very much appreciated.

CaraMay

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not want him feeling you up and you don't love him in that way. Imagine if his wife had seen - there would be no way she would believe you were innocent and that's your reputation gone when she tells all your friends. I don't care how nice you think he is, he sounds very sleazy.

jdsk2006

I would back away. Dont leave yourself in the firing line if his wife susses out he has/had other intentions. Imho i think he has feelings for you.

Its disappointing. for you really that he has effectively ruined yer friendship.

Dark Phoenix

while you keep saying he is a nice guy you also have described him feeling you up in a car where his wife was sat beside ye! No doubt was he caught doing so you would be in trouble with the wife.

I'd distance myself from him a bit and if the conversation along those lines comes up again make it clear where you stand. Sounds like he may have had a long term crush on you and only had the balls to try to act on it while locked.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks all for your responses. I've spent today mulling it over myself and I've pretty much come to the same conclusion that I need to distance myself from this person ( as much as it pains me to do so... He is my best friend after all). I'm just so angry about the whole thing now. How dare he do this to me and how dare he do it to his wife?! I could swing for him now!

If a situation like this ever occurs again or if he does bring it up in conversation in the mean time, I won't hesitate to put him back in his box!!

Regards,

No longer confused but very angry OP.

CaraMay

If he is so unhappy then why doesn't he leave her? No he wants you as a shoulder to cry on and then bam try and turn you into his mistress. Thank hoc you have more class than that op. He is your typical philanderer and rather than do the right thing and leave her it seems he was hoping to be caught which would then cause a scene and maybe mean she would kick him out. What's dangerous about him is that he was willing to use you as the catalyst because there is no other explanation as to why he would persist in feeling you up when you are sitting next to his wife. I'm annoyed on your behalf because you sound like a decent girl and his actions would have had serious repercussions for you if the wife (or neighbour) had seen. I would bawl him out of it op because, as I said, he doesn't seem to care if his wife finds out and that's dangerous for you.

Oryx

Mr B is a sleaze when drunk. Stay friends if you like but I'd avoid drinking with him and avoid intimate situations. I don't see the point in bringing it up now when everyone is sober but if he makes any moves like that again by all means create hell over it.

Matteroffact

I just think that B really likes you and because of the drink and the night that was in it he got sentimental. If he is not getting on with his wife he probably just wanted a bit of comfort. I don't think he is looking for anything more and hence he acted normal the next time he texted you. I would not mention this to him OP and I don't think you will have any more bother from him. You are always nice to him and I just think he appreciated it, he may not get much appreciation at home. I don't think he has any ulterior motives though.

sligoface

Oryx wrote: »

Mr B is a sleaze when drunk. Stay friends if you like but I'd avoid drinking with him and avoid intimate situations. I don't see the point in bringing it up now when everyone is sober but if he makes any moves like that again by all means create hell over it.

Agree with this assessment. Just avoid putting yourself in the same situation as it probably wouldn't happen without the drink involved.

missjm

What an ass. Seriously. How disrespectful to his wife. It's also the oldest line in the book from men like this that they're not happy in their marriage. I'm sure there are plenty of times ALL spouses feel unhappy but don't go running to the opposite sex telling them because they at least respect their partner. I'd give this guy a wide berth to be honest.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I posted a reply to you earlier, but it must have gotten lost during the site maintenance.

Anyway - don't for a minute think his wife didn't notice anything. She might not have said anything for a number of reasons.
-Didn't want to embarrass you
-Didn't want to embarrass herself
-Didn't want to get into an argument with her drunk husband in front of you and the neighbour

But there is no way, unless she was asleep, that she didn't know something was going on between you two in the back of the car. You were sitting right beside her. Trust me, if your drunk husband is "carrying on" with someone right beside you, you notice. No matter how subtle he thinks he was being, or how subtle you think you were being - she noticed.

You don't know what is going on in their relationship. Even if he is your best friend, and tells you everything, you cannot know the little intricacies of their relationship. There might be some power play going on between them. He might be trying to make her jealous. He might be trying to provoke a reaction from her, maybe show her that he could leave her. He might be trying to force her to leave him so that he's not the one to do it. You just don't know.

But one thing for sure is that she noticed something was going on. She might have more class than to start a public row. She might be terrified to say something, in case he does leave her. She might hope it was a one off drunken mistake. She might think you encouraged him. She might think you have no interest in him, at all. It's impossible to say. But unless she goes around with her eyes closed she would have noticed that there was something on with the 2 of you.

Little Acorn

I was thinking about meeting up with him at the weekend and saying something along the lines of
"Do you remember what happened? I know you were drunk but it can't happen again" or some-such. However, I am afraid of the response I'll get. He's a very sweet, sensitive guy and if this was just a drunken stupid thing that he's forgotten since he sobered up, he'd never forgive himself and he would no-doubt confess to the wife and distance himself from me.

This might be no harm..

Maybe it would be the catalyst that makes them finally start working on their issues. After you give him a bollicking, if he was going to confess to his wife what he did (if she doesn't already know) then he would have to be crystal clear with her that you were completely innocent in this and refused his advances and that he was the one at fault here. Who knows what things they have they to work on in their relationship, but maybe this could be the starting talking point anyways.
(Or it could spell a breakup but that wouldn't be your fault either.)
(For all we know they may have already had this argument after you went home that night either)

If a situation like this ever occurs again or if he does bring it up in conversation in the mean time, I won't hesitate to put him back in his box!!

I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for or wondering if it will happen again. I would be fairly confident that it WILL happen again if you don't clear this up now.

You mentioned that you two getting drunk and having close conversations one on one is a regular occurrence. You also said going back to his house for drinks is a common occurrence aswell. Nothing wrong with that at all with just a friend, but he has kinda ruined that closeness now by what he did.

I would be confident it will happen again because you at least once a month get pretty drunk together, and even if you have the best of intentions to not end up in a one on one bonding/friendly drinking session with him, once you have a few drinks in yourself your own guard could be lowered a bit and it would be so easy to slip back into a routine with an old friend such as going back to his for drinks again or something, and that is when I think it would happen again.

I also think it will happen again because he has basically got away with it for now, because everyone is acting like nothing bad happened. Next time he get's his dutch courage he could easily try again because he thinks there is no repercussions for what he does when he's conveniently drunk.

For that reason I think you should go with your original idea and basically let him know in no uncertain terms that he behaved terribly and that if he does so again it is the end of your friendship.
Tell him if he has issues with his wife then he needs to sort them out with her and that you will not allow yourself to be dragged into anything involving him and his problems or feelings. I would also reiterate what you told us that you don't fancy him and never had nor will have feelings for him in a romantic way and that you see him solely as a friend.

Hopefully he apologises to you and that the friendship can be salvaged.

sadie06

OP, you need to distance yourself from this person, if not drop him completely. It will not end well. You don't mention anything about your relationship with his wife? Are you friends? On good terms?

Either way, she deserves better than this, and as others have said, your good name would be tarnished if he tried such risky behaviour again.

I know it's difficult, but you will get over it. I once had to cut loose a good friend/creative partner who told me within weeks of his marriage that he loved me more than he loved his wife, but he had those feelings in a box which he kept closed, unless I wanted it opened! :-0

I literally never saw him again. I know he felt that I treated him harshly (particularly as it brought our creative endeavours to a sudden end) but I was actually so shocked, and could never have looked his wife in the eye again.

I wouldn't get into big soul searching conversations with him either, because even that would cause you to feel guilt about his wife's lack of knowledge about the situation.

Basically, he has f*cked up your friendship, and that's life.

GreeBo

I would agree about bringing it up with him, sooner rather than later.

I'd worry about the wife finding out and you being labeled as some sort of home wrecker OP.

Also, for your own peace of mind and to get it over and done with, confront him so you can move on.

LegacyUser

Something similar happened to me. It's difficult to maintain friendships with guys I've had one male friend back away because people were suggesting that I fancied him (not the case at all!), another I thought I was good mates with propositioned me (was shocked as I hadn't been flirting) we were very much in the friend zone, the saddest was a good friend who I leaned on for emotional support, he started acting strange like your friend.

Guys don't care if they sacrifice the friendship girls do.

I'm afraid your friendship is over. He doesn't the relationship the way you see it, there isn't much sense in talking him round. He assumed you would mess around with him behind his wife's back isn't that an insult to your character? He felt you up in the back of a taxi when you clearly didn't want him to touch you. Does this 'friend' know you at all?

Merkin

You say this person is your best friend and if that is the case then you should be able to have a very frank and open discussion about exactly what happened. I personally wouldn't let it slide. He acted like a total sleazebag within close proximity of his wife and blatantly tried it on with you. He shouldn't have done this. He doesn't sound like such a wonderful person at all really.

I'd tell him in uncertain terms that he was BANG out of order, that you didn't like or appreciate being letched on and propositioned and that you didn't appreciate being put in such an uncomfortable position. If you don't say something he will do it again.

I'd also avoid him with when he's got drink on him as he's obviously a sleazy git who is gagging for a bit on the side. Say it to him.