Emotionally Drained: Please Help

LegacyUser

I'm not sure where to begin this post as it's not one particular scenario that's draining me but a whole host of comments and moods.

I've been with my partner two years this February. I've recently moved in to his house. All is great when it's great but then BAM out of the blue I'll get a comment or a phonecall that really takes the wind out of my sails.

Example, I'll ring to say a quick hello on my break with no news in particular, just a quick 'hi, how are you? having a good day? Cool, I've no news so talk later.'

As far as I'm concerned I'm doing a nice thing by getting in touch and letting him know I'm thinking of him. Then a while later I'll get a text or a phonecall 'are you alright?' (said sarcastically and intending to be mean) because my phonecall was apparently pointless and I didn't say goodbye the way he thought I should've said goodbye. This'll lead to him slamming down the phone and having an attitude with me for the rest of the day where I'll wander around thinking 'what have I done now?' 'how can I fix this one?'

I know I'm not conveying the draining aspect of this very well but after months and months of being told I've got a problem, being yelled at for him suspecting I'm cheating, him getting grumpy with me if I get up before him in the morning, him getting angry if I don't get up before him in the morning because he thinks I'm in 'fear' of his reaction if I do get up, smart-alek comments constantly. I've been accused of being with a gang of mates when in fact I was babysitting my niece, I've been accused of having an affair with a work colleague, I've been accused of being in touch with my ex-boyfriend, I've been accused of being with an old friend whom I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, I'm accused of 'abandoning him' in the mornings if I get up before he does if we're staying away, I've been broken up with about 6 times in the last year and I just don't think (mentally) I can take much more.

When our relationship is good it's really good. Like, at the moment we're getting along very well but then I'll get the mean comments, like I did today, when I simply ring to say hi. It takes the wind out of my sails. I constantly have to reassure myself I've done nothing wrong... I've never done anything wrong.

I know he can get grumpy if I call him before he's had a cigarette or eaten anything but that's no excuse really. Basically, I can't please this guy: I've tried being warm, I've tried being stern, I've tried being aggressive, I've tired being nice, I've tried being quiet, I've tried shouting him down, I've tried doing nothing at all but everything seems to be the wrong approach. In the end I've had to reconcile myself to the fact he's a bully.

How to I save a good relationship with this guy before throwing in the towel and telling him to f**k off, which I'm pretty close to doing today if I'm honest.

heretochat

This guy sounds like an absolute nightmare to me... Everything seems to have to be done by his rules and it comes across that you are quite afraid of him. That cannot be considered to be healthy in any relationship.

To be short he sounds like a bit of a bully. You are making excuses for him in your post even though you say you don't want to be...

I mean not contacting him before he has a cigarette because you are afraid of his reaction? That is no form of a healty partnership in my humble opinion.

AnonMouse

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

How to I save a good relationship with this guy before throwing in the towel and telling him to f**k off, which I'm pretty close to doing today if I'm honest.

I'm struggling to see the good in your relationship, if I am honest. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells all the time. That is not a good platform for any relationship OP, and it will eventually do damage to your self esteem, if it hasn't done so already.

I'm saying this in the friendliest way possible, but tell him to cop on (and make sure he does) or leave him. I know some will say it isn't that simple. It is though. You deserve better than that...

Victoria Fortescue

He sounds very controlling, and an oddball for a want of better words. I think you should move out and end it. You must feel like you're walking on eggshells all of the time, that's no way to live. Go stay with your parents or a friend just until you can live independently again. Given what you've said I can see why this whole thing would sap you emotionally, it's emotional abuse.

LegacyUser

I can't understand someone jumping to conclusions about WHY our phonecall was only 30 seconds or less. To me it doesn't matter how long a conversation is. The fact that someone calls me is good enough but oh no, he has to conclude that I rushed him off the phone because something was going on.

The paranoia has GOT to stop. I've told him to cop on and he said sorry. However, it's only a matter of time before I make a cup of tea while he's out of the room and he thinks I've run out, shagged someone and been back in time to put the milk in!

It's so tiresome. Has anyone else dealt with someone who's been burnt before and how do you get them to not be so paranoid anymore? Or is it the way it's always going to be and I have to get used to it or run for the hills?

LegacyUser

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

Basically, I can't please this guy.

And you never will be able to.

Time to move on I think.

I have seen the same thing happen to a friend and a brother. When things were good they were great - or should I say, when their partners allowed it to be good, it was great.

At all other times it was them tip toeing around - not wanting to upset their partner and if they stepped out of line (and that was dependent on their partners moods), they were in the dog house until she decided it was time to treat them well again.

Your happiness in this relationship will always be dependent on your boyfriend's moods which means that your happiness will be as erratic and sporadic as his moods.

Are you willing to put up with that?

ABajaninCork

Um. I'd be telling him to fcuk right off now! He sounds like a controlling nightmare...

Do it OP. You know it makes sense!!

Stavro Mueller

AnonMouse wrote: »

I'm struggling to see the good in your relationship, if I am honest. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells all the time. That is not a good platform for any relationship OP, and it will eventually do damage to your self esteem, if it hasn't done so already.

^^ This

If one of your friends came along and told you that her boyfriend was treating her in the way you've described, what would you tell her?

Honestly OP, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. If this guy was a nice person he'd not be putting you down like this, accusing you of cheating, breaking up with you, getting mad because you got up before him (have to admit that's a new one on me!) and making you feel like crap.

If you feel up to it, please have a chat to a trusted family member or a friend and prepare to get out of there. Or failing that, give Women's Aid a ring on 1800 341 900 and have a chat to one of their people. They're open 10am to 10pm.

December2012

IF you want to give one last try then you could talk to a relationship counsellor.

Stavro Mueller

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

The paranoia has GOT to stop. I've told him to cop on and he said sorry. However, it's only a matter of time before I make a cup of tea while he's out of the room and he thinks I've run out, shagged someone and been back in time to put the milk in!

Why would you even want to stay with someone who thinks you're off shagging anything that has a pulse?

beks101

Christ. End of your tether indeed. There is nothing emotionally healthy about being around someone like this. And rest assured it has nothing to do with you - you just happen to be the closest target. This guy has serious issues. And you will too, if you don't get away from him.

What's keeping you in this relationship?

ABajaninCork

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

The paranoia has GOT to stop. I've told him to cop on and he said sorry. However, it's only a matter of time before I make a cup of tea while he's out of the room and he thinks I've run out, shagged someone and been back in time to put the milk in!

It's so tiresome. Has anyone else dealt with someone who's been burnt before and how do you get them to not be so paranoid anymore? Or is it the way it's always going to be and I have to get used to it or run for the hills?

That's it, you see. It'll NEVER stop. Trust me on that one. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. It DOES drain you. I had to put the brakes on before he drove me completely nuts....

cymbaline wrote: »

Why would you even want to stay with someone who thinks you're off shagging anything that has a pulse?

I also discovered. If he's accusing YOU of infidelity, you can be damned sure he's either at it or planning to do so. Again - take it from someone who's been through that same rubbish.

Bin him!

GreeBo

It sounds to me like he is suffering from some sort of depression and its impacting his attitude towards you and probably the rest of his life.
I dont believe that people are just assholes like this for no reason. Maybe he is under severe stress at work for example?

None of this makes his behaviour acceptable or means that you should necessarily put up with it, but it may be worth a frank conversation about it and whats the cause of it.

At least then you will have tried something and can take a decision based on the results of that.

ABajaninCork

GreeBo wrote: »

It sounds to me like he is suffering from some sort of depression and its impacting his attitude towards you and probably the rest of his life.

Sorry. I'm not sure I buy that...

GreeBo wrote: »

I dont believe that people are just assholes like this for no reason. Maybe he is under severe stress at work for example?

Believe me, it's possible! Two of my exes were like that...

GreeBo wrote: »

None of this makes his behaviour acceptable or means that you should necessarily put up with it, but it may be worth a frank conversation about it and whats the cause of it.

At least then you will have tried something and can take a decision based on the results of that.

I agree about having a frank conversation. But it should end with the words: 'I'm off'.

angelfire9

I had an ex very like this guy
Convinced I was seeing someone else every time I left the house
Convinced every time I rang him I was doing so to check up on him
Final straw was on a night out left him home and did a quick spin into town to get cigarettes apparently I took too long
Apparently I'd had enough time to have a quickie between stops
That night my ex tried to kill me
He pinned me by my neck and held me flailing against the hall wall until I passed out

Your guy and my ex could be the same person
Run
Run now
Run fast
Run far
Run while you can
Don't wait til he hits you/chokes you/injuries you

My ex had never laid a finger on me b4 that night
It only takes one night....

thegreatgonzo

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

How to I save a good relationship with this guy before throwing in the towel and telling him to f**k off, which I'm pretty close to doing today if I'm honest.

How is this a good relationship?

Neyite

December2012 wrote: »

IF you want to give one last try then you could talk to a relationship counsellor.

Actually, joint relationship counselling is strongly discouraged for an abusive relationship. (and this is textbook emotional and verbal abuse described by the OP)

The reason its discouraged, is that the victim opens up and what they say in counselling is used as a stick to beat them with in subsequent arguments. Take for example, the OP was to admit that she told a white lie about a male colleague not being at the christmas party. The boyfriend will use this as "proof" she was cheating on him, otherwise why lie? It just gives the abuser more ammunition.

But I do agree with counselling for the OP. Alone without him. OP, you cannot change this behaviour. Trust me you cant. Many have gone before you, tried and failed. He is not some special snowflake, his MO is the same as all the rest of partners who control their other half through fear and intimidation. Make a start on counselling by speaking to someone in Womens Aid.

Because this IS abuse. You are utterly at the mercy of his moods. You cant fix another person. And he does not want to be fixed.

Victoria Fortescue

Neyite wrote: »

You cant fix another person. And he does not want to be fixed.

No truer words spoken. I know this all to well from years of abuse from my ex. It began as emotional abuse. There was paranoia involved on his part, and what lurked beneath was an obsessive, possessive monster in the years that followed. I'm not trying to indicate that the op's boyfriend would do the same, but they do thrive on power. It was a slow, gradual battering down of my self esteem to the point where I questioned myself; he accused me many times of flirting with other guys or having some kind of an affair with male co workers or students when I was in college. When it happens so gradually you don't see the weight of what they are accusing you of, because you're so long defending yourself you didn't see it setting in. It's like a disease that hits the victims, like a slow rot.

EndofmyTether, please do the right thing for yourself here. Couples counselling is not suitable here, because your boyfriend needs to work on his own issues before he can attempt to have a relationship with ANY woman, let alone with you. It's by the very nature of an abusive relationship that the abuser learns how far their reach can go, how much they can get away with. Before you know it you will have little control, if any, of your own life. You came here saying you're emotionally drained with it all, and certainly most of us can see why, it will end in tears - yours. Stop before the rot sets in, I mean your sanity and freedom. This is a nasty situation with the potential to get a lot worse.

Typer Monkey

Christ OP, that sounds like a penance. I always say it, a relationship should enhance your life not make it worse! Fast forward a few years and imagine your poor children tip toeing around dad, trying not to annoy him, trying to predict his crazy mood swings and random trigger points. Sounds like misery.

And don't labour under the illusion that it's being burned before that makes him like this. I was cheated on in my previous relationship to the extent that he fathered a child behind my back. I didn't carry that into my current relationship. My now boyfriend didn't cheat on me so shouldn't be made to suffer. To be honest your OH sounds mental. I'd run for the hills

LegacyUser

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

How is this a good relationship?

It's a good relationship 90% of the time but the paranoia is wearing me thin. I'd be of the opinion that clawing back the 10% should be worth a little effort rather than walking away without even getting to grips with the problem or trying to solve it.

GreeBo said that he's not like this for no reason. Surely it'd be worth my while, and ultimately his, to find out the reason. He smokes hash regularly and I think this impacts on his wellbeing and stability. I'm trying to get him to quit but he won't quit if I'm pushing him to do so. He needs to feel like the decision is his.

And I also like GreeBo's suggestion to have an honest and frank discussion about how his behaviour is impacting me. Once I do that I feel I'll be in a better position to make a decision and move forward either way.

Thanks so much for your comments and help - I really appreciate you taking the time to advise me. It's been extremely helpful and insightful.

EndOfMyTether

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

Surely it'd be worth my while, and ultimately his, to find out the reason.

As long as you understand that he's not going to find out the reason unless HE wants to. He is not going to change unless HE wants to.
Make an effort to try if you want, as long as you realise it's not about you and you will never, ever fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

beks101

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

after months and months of being told I've got a problem, being yelled at for him suspecting I'm cheating, him getting grumpy with me if I get up before him in the morning, him getting angry if I don't get up before him in the morning because he thinks I'm in 'fear' of his reaction if I do get up, smart-alek comments constantly. I've been accused of being with a gang of mates when in fact I was babysitting my niece, I've been accused of having an affair with a work colleague, I've been accused of being in touch with my ex-boyfriend, I've been accused of being with an old friend whom I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, I'm accused of 'abandoning him' in the mornings if I get up before he does if we're staying away, I've been broken up with about 6 times in the last year and I just don't think (mentally) I can take much more...

I know he can get grumpy if I call him before he's had a cigarette or eaten anything but that's no excuse really. Basically, I can't please this guy: I've tried being warm, I've tried being stern, I've tried being aggressive, I've tired being nice, I've tried being quiet, I've tried shouting him down, I've tried doing nothing at all but everything seems to be the wrong approach. In the end I've had to reconcile myself to the fact he's a bully.

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

It's a good relationship 90% of the time but the paranoia is wearing me thin.

Where's the 90%? I don't see 90%.

I think you're in denial OP.

I know these posts tend to be venting in nature, taking account of the forum we're in, but if it was just run of the mill relationship problems you were having with this guy - unenthusiastic about housework, he works too much, we fight about money, etc - that would be closer to the common "10%" relationship angst many couples experience. And it would be something fixable, something workable between the two of you provided overall the love was there for one another and you were willing to get passed it together.

I don't see any evidence of that in your posts.

I don't see any evidence of love or affection or care for your wellbeing from his end.

And I don't see how you can reconcile the jealousy, anger, fear, paranoia, belittling, distrust, dysfunction (breaking up with you six times in a year, really? You think that's normal?), and absolute mental and emotional exhaustion on your part, with this idea that "it's a good relationship 90% of the time."

What were your previous relationships like, if this is a good relationship?

Stavro Mueller

I'm sure Hitler was charming on his day too :rolleyes: I'm scratching my head as to why you're refusing on board any of the many posts which are telling you things you don't want to hear. Nobody's perfect and everyone has their quirks. But what you're describing is emotional abuse, pure and simple. But if you want to continue walking around on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, that's up to you. Don't say you weren't warned.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

I'm scratching my head as to why you're refusing on board any of the many posts which are telling you things you don't want to hear.

I am most certainly taking on the advice that's been given... starting with GreeBo's advice to confront and discuss the effects his comments are having on me emotionally. Failing that, taking on board everyone else's advice to walk away should the upfront approach not work.

Meauldsegosha

OP the six times you broke up during the last year, who initiated the break-up and who initiated the reconciliation?

LegacyUser

OP, will you stand back a little and look at yourself? No woman (or man) should have to live like that.

Get out. Get away from him. He's a bully, a coward and a junkie. What possible redeeming characteristic can overcome all of that.

Do nothing and we'll possibly be reading about you being found strangled some night.

BraziliaNZ

bananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, will you stand back a little and look at yourself? No woman (or man) should have to live like that.

Get out. Get away from him. He's a bully, a coward and a junkie. What possible redeeming characteristic can overcome all of that.

Do nothing and we'll possibly be reading about you being found strangled some night.

I think it's judging him a bit too much to say he's a murderer and a junkie at this stage. If you were to give him the benefit of the doubt OP, I'd talk to him about it, make sure he knows you mean business, and see what his reaction is. Maybe it's slowly devolved into this relationship you have now without either of you really realising it. This is only one side of the story so perhaps you could be doing some things differently too. Good luck.

Neyite

That 10% is not worth it. No relationship should have 10% abuse. And no relationship is that amazing that it makes up for the 10% of abuse.

Tell me, if his boss rang him before he had his cigarette would he bollock him out of it? Or if his mate did it? Does he accuse workmates of horrible behaviour behind his back?

Nope, didn't think so. Its YOU that gets the brunt of his horrible behaviour. That is textbook emotional abuse. Why do you think that is all you deserve? Surely you as a lovely, kind, faithful person deserves someone who trusts you, who respects you, who cares for you.

Can I recommend a book for you? If you really want to try to understand why he is like this, and how to handle this behaviour, its the perfect book for that.
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Its not available on Kindle, but if you google it, you might get other e-book or online versions.

dannyc31

Can I recommend a book for you? If you really want to try to understand why he is like this, and how to handle this behaviour, its the perfect book for that.
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Its not available on Kindle, but if you google it, you might get other e-book or online versions.

interesting. i never realised this type of behavior had been defined but my god have i heard this exact textbook template from so many girls friends of mine and girls i have dated. whats worrying is the amount of guys out there who are like that and whats more worrying is the amount of women who are willing to put of with this long term. its crazy, you are worth more than this. why would you except this as ok, no abuse whether emotional, physical or passive is acceptable.

i think you should stand up to him and tackle him when he gets like this. also threaten to leave him if he continues to treat you like this.

Standman

Deep down, you already know that this relationship is doomed. It's just a matter of when you decide to end it. The sooner the better, and I wager you will feel like you've just been released from jail!

LegacyUser

All your comments and suggestions have really struck a chord and given me a lot to think about. Armed with all your thoughts I'm going to take some time out over the weekend to get my thoughts straight.

I need some time on my own to digest really what's happening in our relationship and to evaluate whether it's worth pursuing to resolve some of the issues and even if these issues are resolvable.

Maura74

You will get some answers by searching net for abusive relationships, it may give you some answers why you want to say in the relationship.

You have got some very good advice on here but in the end it is up to you...

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships

Neyite

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

All your comments and suggestions have really struck a chord and given me a lot to think about. Armed with all your thoughts I'm going to take some time out over the weekend to get my thoughts straight.

I need some time on my own to digest really what's happening in our relationship and to evaluate whether it's worth pursuing to resolve some of the issues and even if these issues are resolvable.

And you can take your time to process it.

When its so clear for outsiders they forget you are in a big fog of manipulation and complex behaviours. What you see as normal, even nice, in your relationship, others can be aghast. Its a subtle conditioning you see. It will take you a while to work out what is acceptable behaviour.

To give you an example, my ex after a mere three weeks going out together waved a knife around in an argument. Yet I moved in with him. Name calling was "affection", bad temper, sniping, snapping the norm. I tried to give like for like but that made it worse. I tried to second guess his moods but always got it wrong anyway. It began to get physical - pushing, shoving, pinning me down, breaking things (usually only my stuff, strangely) instead of verbal/emotional and I still stayed - like you, that 90% was all I focused on.

He blamed the bedsit we lived in, his weed habit, drink, work, or friends for his abuse, if he couldn't in his warped logic blame me. The outbursts became more frequent, the 90% gradually got less while the 10% became more frequent, more nasty, more prolonged.

Then one night he throttled me, jealous of some guy i didnt snog at a wedding long before I met him. I know now that his hands around my neck meant I was 10 seconds away from being choked unconscious, and 2 minutes from death. I didn't know it then. My mother marched me to a refuge where I spoke to a lovely lady, and began to learn about domestic violence.

You know what? I still stayed. We even went on a holiday to repair our relationship, but it didn't work - you see, I'd started to become a bit stronger and he lost his power over me. We limped along for another month or two, but he didn't lay a finger on me again, he knew I'd call the Gardai. He moved on to someone else he could control.


I know now its pretty much textbook red flags that I didnt see at the stage you are at now.

neveah

I was also emotionally abused in my last relationship and I stayed with him for 5 years :eek: I look back now and I wonder who I was. My family and friends hated him (this is always the biggest sign that something is wrong, your family and friends only want the best for you so if they don't like your man listen to them!) but I was so 'in love' I just couldn't leave him, I was always defending him, it got to the point where I didn't even tell people things that happened with him because I knew what their reactions would be. I kept it all inside knowing deep deep down that something was terribly wrong.

My self esteem and self confidence was on the floor and I am not exaggerating when I say that it has taken me years to build it back up.

I think my ex had low self esteem himself, he was insecure, slightly depressed and a complete bully. I am an attractive and successful person in comparison to him and I think he was trying to drag me down in order to make himself feel more superior/powerful in the relationship, to have the upper hand so to speak. He abused my caring nature and my love for him. I thought he loved me but now I don't think he ever really did, he cared for me but not as much as he cared about himself. I was also regularly accused of flirting with guys but I think now that he was the one who was cheating (one time on holidays he left his phone unattended and a text came through from a girl I didn't know, he said it was his friends sister but she wasn't someone that I would have known as one of his friends, he wouldn't show me the text or tell me what it said. Another time I found a condom in his pocket which should have been a major red flag considering we didn't use any as we were in a long term relationship)

I hope you do what's right for you. It may not seem like it but emotional abuse in a relationship like that leaves such scars. It has taken me a long time to heal from my experience. I hope you know that you are not alone in experiencing this type of relationship, plenty of us have been unlucky enough to waste time of this type of man in the hope that he will 'change' and that he loves us.

I haven't read the book that was recommended earlier but you should read it and anything else that you can regarding this situation. Another good one is 'Women who love too much' and 'Why Men love bitches' (good book for self esteem & holding your own in a relationship). Any of these books might help give you further perspective and make you realise that you aren't crazy to be feeling the way he is making you feel (my ex constantly said I was a nag, I was the one who was wrong etc etc, I always questioned myself, maybe it is my fault, but it wasn't he just wanted me to feel like it was to make him feel better) It does wear you down and it does drain you.

On one final note I will say that I would rather be single forever than be treated like that again and I will never accept that kind of treatment from any one else ever because now I know my value and worth. Don't let anyone drag you down. There are good guys out there. Best of luck in the future OP, I hope everything works out for you.

strobe

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

I'm not sure where to begin this post as it's not one particular scenario that's draining me but a whole host of comments and moods.

I've been with my partner two years this February. I've recently moved in to his house. All is great when it's great but then BAM out of the blue I'll get a comment or a phonecall that really takes the wind out of my sails.

Example, I'll ring to say a quick hello on my break with no news in particular, just a quick 'hi, how are you? having a good day? Cool, I've no news so talk later.'

As far as I'm concerned I'm doing a nice thing by getting in touch and letting him know I'm thinking of him. Then a while later I'll get a text or a phonecall 'are you alright?' (said sarcastically and intending to be mean) because my phonecall was apparently pointless and I didn't say goodbye the way he thought I should've said goodbye. This'll lead to him slamming down the phone and having an attitude with me for the rest of the day where I'll wander around thinking 'what have I done now?' 'how can I fix this one?'

I know I'm not conveying the draining aspect of this very well but after months and months of being told I've got a problem, being yelled at for him suspecting I'm cheating, him getting grumpy with me if I get up before him in the morning, him getting angry if I don't get up before him in the morning because he thinks I'm in 'fear' of his reaction if I do get up, smart-alek comments constantly. I've been accused of being with a gang of mates when in fact I was babysitting my niece, I've been accused of having an affair with a work colleague, I've been accused of being in touch with my ex-boyfriend, I've been accused of being with an old friend whom I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, I'm accused of 'abandoning him' in the mornings if I get up before he does if we're staying away, I've been broken up with about 6 times in the last year and I just don't think (mentally) I can take much more.

When our relationship is good it's really good. Like, at the moment we're getting along very well but then I'll get the mean comments, like I did today, when I simply ring to say hi. It takes the wind out of my sails. I constantly have to reassure myself I've done nothing wrong... I've never done anything wrong.

I know he can get grumpy if I call him before he's had a cigarette or eaten anything but that's no excuse really. Basically, I can't please this guy: I've tried being warm, I've tried being stern, I've tried being aggressive, I've tired being nice, I've tried being quiet, I've tried shouting him down, I've tried doing nothing at all but everything seems to be the wrong approach. In the end I've had to reconcile myself to the fact he's a bully.

How to I save a good relationship with this guy before throwing in the towel and telling him to f**k off, which I'm pretty close to doing today if I'm honest.

Sounds like you're both nightmares around each other tbh. Some people just don't get on, miss-match of personalities. No point in trying to force it after a certain point. Probably best for both of you if you free each other to find someone more suited.

strobe

strobe wrote: »

Sounds like you're both nightmares around each other tbh. Some people just don't get on, miss-match of personalities. No point in trying to force it after a certain point. Probably best for both of you if you free each other to find someone more suited.

I don't follow. How is she a nightmare for him? Her life seems to be spent appeasing this wretch of a bully.

How can his moody, agressive, overtly controlling, abusive, possessive behaviour just be dismissed as a mis-match?

strobe

Candie wrote: »

I don't follow. How is she a nightmare for him? Her life seems to be spent appeasing this wretch of a bully.

How can his moody, agressive, overtly controlling, abusive, possessive behaviour just be dismissed as a mis-match?

Well you only get a very one sided story here a lot of the time obviously and reading between the lines it seems to me there's probably two of them in it. Her behaviour makes his worse, his makes hers worse, kinda thing. They just clash and are likely to keep on clashing if they both view it as it being the other one that's the cause of all the problems. And it seems like, based on the OP, that's what they'll both continue to do, so maybe best to just go their separate ways.

Could be wrong of course. The OP has my take on it for what its worth anyway. She can decide if there's anything in it or not.

LegacyUser

This morning I was left in the house without so much as a goodbye. He always comes to say goodbye before leaving for work.

For the next 30 minutes I lay in bed wondering what I'd done... this time. I can't think of anything. I haven't heard from him since and am still wondering what I could have done to make him ignore me. I haven't come up with anything.

I'm searching for places to rent at the moment. I'm building myself up to finish the relationship. I can't take these mind games anymore. I've done nothing so why am I sitting here trying to come up with some reason, ANY reason, for him to be so rude to me?

ABajaninCork

EndOfMyTether wrote: »

This morning I was left in the house without so much as a goodbye. He always comes to say goodbye before leaving for work.

For the next 30 minutes I lay in bed wondering what I'd done... this time. I can't think of anything. I haven't heard from him since and am still wondering what I could have done to make him ignore me. I haven't come up with anything.

I'm searching for places to rent at the moment. I'm building myself up to finish the relationship. I can't take these mind games anymore. I've done nothing so why am I sitting here trying to come up with some reason, ANY reason, for him to be so rude to me?

There's your answer. STOP looking for reasons why he's rude/moody/aggressive. You're hitting your head against a brick wall there. Are you sure he doesn't want to finish with you and is looking to get you out by other means??

I see no reason why you should stay there. It's not good for your emotional health or your sanity. Stop clinging on and GET OUT NOW!!

Is there no-one you can stay with whilst you look for somewhere to live?

yaya*

Well done for starting to look for places to live and trying to move on with your life without this bully.

However, even after making the decision to move out, you're still lying there wondering and worrying what you've done wrong? This shows the level of emotional control he has over you - it's going to take a while to get out of that mind set - keep reminding yourself that this is his way of controlling you -keeping you down, on edge and worried all the time-that is not a good life. You don't want that for yourself so you must refuse to worry about how he will react or feel, especially when you break up/ move out etc.

I would definitely advise having a friend / family member nearby for these moments - you've become very accustomed to his behaviour and it has become normalised to you - take the advice of those of us looking on from the outside. He will not react well to this extreme loss of control.

Best of luck -I promise in a years time, you will look back and wonder why you didn't take the leap sooner!

Victoria Fortescue

EndOfMyTether wrote:

I'm searching for places to rent at the moment. I'm building myself up to finish the relationship.

Build it faster. Quite frankly I'd live on the streets rather than spend another moment in the company of a man like him. Lying there thinking what you've done wrong.. is this the way you really want to be treated? There is no reason for you to hold back any longer. Stay with ANYONE that would have you. You build your new life from else where, not in same home as him. Do not hesitate, and do not give him any inkling that you're going. Wait until he's headed off to work for the day, then scram.

yaya* wrote: »

He will not react well to this extreme loss of control.

This is my fear for the op.

Stavro Mueller

Well unless you take on board the advice from this thread and end this, be prepared for plenty more puzzlement. I don't know what else you expect anyone from this thread to tell you? Are you hoping that someone is going to come along and say his behaviour is normal and that you should stick it out?