Is he interested?

Yellowrose33

1st time poster, regular reader
Just looking for some opinions on the following. I met a guy in September 2 weeks after the end of my 2 year relationship. I had no interest in meeting anybody but the guy I met seemed very nice and I had heard through mutual friends that he is a good guy. I agreed to go on a few dates with him but I explained my situation, he said he still wanted to take me out. All was going fine until one weekend when we were due to go out on the Sat night. (The same guy does not like texting and prefers phone calls), however, we had texted a bit when making plans. Anyway I texted him on the Thurs before the Sat we were meeting and he didn't reply until the Sat @ approx 9pm, I was annoyed because in my text I specifically asked what was the plan I.e dinner/movie/drinks I ignored his text because to be honest I felt it was a bit cheeky on his part!! He then texted again on the Mon and long story short I said let's just leave it.

Since then I've thought about him a bit and wondered did I do the right thing. Over Xmas I texted him, he replied and we arranged to meet up earlier this week. He drove a 1.5 hour journey. We had an enjoyable night and I felt stronger for him then I had previously. Anyway, New Year's Eve arrives and I was in Dublin for the night and he was at a wedding. I didn't receive a single text from him all day or at midnight. I texted him and he didn't reply until noon today. I'm in my early 30s and know when the signs are bad but when we were together it felt like he was interested but my head is saying he's not!! Should I just never meet him again?? He was the one that pursued me initially. I'm attractive and good company and don't really want to waste time if he's just not that into me!! Or could it be that he really hates texting that much!!

Thanks for reading :-)

Well, if he was at a wedding, then chances are that he just wouldn't be able to text anybody, especially at midnight and he probably only felt healthy enough to text at midday the next day. Did you have solid arrangements made for that Saturday night? You mentioned long story short, but not exactly what happened. Did he have a reason for not replying until then?

Yellowrose33

There were no solid plans made for the Sat night it was just arranged that we would meet up, but I suppose I kinda wanted to know what the plans were and didn't really like that he didn't even bother to reply to a direct question that was asked on Thurs. He said he had been farming/working all day and assumed that the arrangement was that we were to meet up - he couldn't see what the big deal was. Same guy doesn't drink so he would've had a fresh enough head on him today

CaraMay

He is just not that pushed. If he were he would have agreed firm plans with you.

jellyboy

Hi op

I'm reading this as your in a relationship with him ,as in a long term one

ie ,he isn't answering texts ,why didn't he commit etc etc

are you still in that headspace of a longterm relationship?

maybe you want him ,but don't know how to get him..
could you start a relationship with him?

or even have that chat about getting on a more solid ground

you put on your sherlock Holmes hat and found out that his is a good guy could he have done the same and found out that you were just out of a relationship

try talking to him ,and be easy on you

Matteroffact

Leaving it until 9.00 p.m. to reply to firm up arrangements for the same night is a bit much in any man's language. That would say to me that he wasn't pushed whether you met up with him or not.

I would be wondering who he was at the wedding with. Most people go with a partner. I would not think too much about him not texting you if he was at a wedding and maybe he slept it out the next day so hence he didn't contact you until noon.

It is not that he is not interested but it would appear he is not as interested as you are at the moment. What you need to do is back off and stop texting him and let him initiate the next move and you respond. If he leaves things to the last minute to firm up then just casually don't be available but don't get annoyed. You will just have to sit this one out to see if his manner improves or not but if he knows you since September, did he give you a gift at Christmas? If not then forget about him.

Brego888

Matteroffact wrote: »

did he give you a gift at Christmas? If not then forget about him.

Why would an xmas gift have any relevance in this story? She only made contact again around the Xmas period and met up again for the first time after Xmas. I wouldn't be buying a girl a present in this scenario.

Having said that, OP I don't think he's that interested. Interest is easily judged by the effort someone makes. But talk to him and see where you are.

dannyc31

i agree with the previous post to an extent. you've been seeing this guy for 4 months and he didnt ring or text you on new years eve. although i wouldnt jump to conclusions wit this as pretty much everyone else in the country was trying to do the same at that time and i know of many people who couldnt get thru or text at midnight because the networks would of been swamped.

but anyway after you called it that time when you said leave it, did he pursue you at all? did he not even text back or ring you?

if not i would have to agree with others in that he's just not that pushed. we can like lots of people in life but there needs to be that extra thing that keeps you drawn to the person. he seems to be lacking this imo so it kinda suggests to me that he just doesnt feel that strong about you even if he does like you and tret you nice when you are both together. imo you need to feel upset about the idea of losing the other person for it to mean there is a future. if not then its just not there.

i'd be curious to know how serious the relationship was for the past 4 months thou. as this can really vary from casual to intense. some couple start at a 100miles an hour and see each other every second day others will take it very slow an may only see each other once a week or just a weekends. which were you?

Da Optimist

He's just not that into you. Delete his number and move on. Start the new year afresh and leave him in 2013.

The Princess Bride

Actually,I read that you've not been seeing him for 4 months.

OP,initially,he pursued you.
You made it clear ,however,that you weren't interested in a relationship,and then(based on his behaviour) said to " leave it".From that,I could understand any reluctance from him to rush in.

However.
He drove 1½ hours to see you last week,do you think this might indicate he was still keen?

Re : the texting - it's not his preferred way to communicate, he's admitted this-but he did text today. That's only a day after NYD. Was it a friendly/curt text?

Perhaps pick up phone,ring him and ask how was wedding -see how conversation goes - you'll learn more from that, than from any texts,or from our " reading between the lines" opinions.

What's for you won't pass you.Have a great year!

Yellowrose33

Thanks all for your replies.

Just to clarify I haven't been seeing him since Sept, I initially met him then, had a few dates and I called it a day due to him not replying to a text until Sat @ 9pm that I had sent on the Thurs. I had just come out of a long term relationship and naturally I was not in any mad rush to get involved with someone, if truth be told he was far more keen at the start than I was. It was over the past few weeks I was wondering about him and said I'd make contact because I think I'm in a better place now with regards to moving on from my ex.

He didn't bring anybody to the wedding, he stayed with me on Mon night, drove home (1.5 hours) and then drove BACK AGAIN for the wedding the same afternoon that was being held in the city I live in. So in total that day a 3 hour round trip. Things like that make me think he is keen!

I suppose I just kind've expected after us spending the night together and having such a good time that he might have texted or at least replied a little sooner than he did - maybe my expectations are too high!!

I would expect to hear from him tonight/ tomorrow at latest and if I don't I'm going to forget it. When I'm with him it feels like he likes me, it's just the bits in between!! Contact etc!!

I could still be in that relationship zone and forgetting that nothing is actually official between us.

He did pursue me at the start and I think it took about two weeks for me to agree to meet him for a drink simply because I didn't want to mess him around after just coming out of a relationship that was pretty upsetting ( a whole other story) and I was very honest with him.

Anyway I'll see what happens. Thanks again for all the replies.

Yellowrose33

Just to say his text that he did send wasn't overly friendly but they never really are!! Kind've one line responses.

When I asked him on Mon night about what happened a few weeks back I.e not replying to the text until Sat @ 9pm he said he assumed that we were meeting and that was that!! But didn't think it was such a big deal that he had ignored my text until the Sat.

ViveLaVie

When you say you spent the night with him OP could you clarify what you mean?

Yellowrose33

I don't really want to spell it out but he stayed with me for the entire night as in shared a bed, the rest I'll leave to your imagination and it wasn't the 1st time.

December2012

Why don't you ask him out again? It's a bit mind gamey to be setting invisible tests like "I'll see if he responds this way to this text by this time".

jimd2

Yellowrose33 wrote: »

I don't really want to spell it out but he stayed with me for the entire night as in shared a bed, the rest I'll leave to your imagination and it wasn't the 1st time.

I think this would indicate a more significant relationship than previous posts in this thread, it seemed up to that a low key relationship that you were both pretty passive about.

I fairness to him he indicated that he is more keen on phone calls but, considering ye are sleeping together on a semi regular basis, the least you deserved was a response to your Happy New Year request.

That said, perhaps ye could meet again and chat how the relationship is going for both of you. After all a 1.5 hour journey each way is not ideal and ye both would want to be very committed to it to make it work with other stff in life like work, family, sport, hobbies etc.

Best of luck.

Yellowrose33

Agree. I think I just need to talk to him but I'm reluctant to initiate contact again - nothing to do with games - just it was I who suggested meeting again for a drink and it was I who initiated the text on New Years. I'll leave the ball in his court and I'm sure in time all will become clear.


Thanks again.

beks101

"It could be this, it could be that" blah blah blah, if he wanted you badly enough he would leave no ambiguity.

He might like you a little, but it's clearly not enough to offer you the fulfilling relationship you're looking for.

Why don't you take time to recover from your two year relationship and focus on yourself for a while?

Yellowrose33

beks101 wrote: »

"It could be this, it could be that" blah blah blah, if he wanted you badly enough he would leave no ambiguity.

He might like you a little, but it's clearly not enough to offer you the fulfilling relationship you're looking for.

Why don't you take time to recover from your two year relationship and focus on yourself for a while?

Yeah maybe you're right, maybe I should focus more on me at the moment! It's just it is hard to meet someone you're attracted to who also seems nice and all the rest so when one comes along I'd hate to miss the opportunity!

GreeBo

beks101 wrote: »

"It could be this, it could be that" blah blah blah, if he wanted you badly enough he would leave no ambiguity.

He might like you a little, but it's clearly not enough to offer you the fulfilling relationship you're looking for.

Why don't you take time to recover from your two year relationship and focus on yourself for a while?

Hey might like the OP a lot, but it seems ( to my reading) that the OP is being a little cagey...especially with things like "if he doesnt do this by then, its over".

Remember the OP already told him that she wasnt interested and wanted to leave it, but then came back for more. He is a person with feelings too, and may well be protecting himself a little, so playing it slow.

OP my advice would be, if you want more from the relationship, have an adult conversation with him about it, in person. Then, based on actions after that you can make a decision about him, based on how you feel and how he acts, when he knows that it is you are looking for.

Otherwise they two of you could be dancing around feelings for weeks and still not know OR just end it and miss out on something.

Matteroffact

Now that you have given us a bit more information OP I think you are expecting too much. You had a date on Monday night after a few weeks break. The date went well. He went to a wedding on Tuesday so it is perfectly understandable that he may not even have seen your text until the next day. He did text you at noon yesterday so nothing wrong with that. So one day later no contact but that's still okay. Wait now and see if he gets in touch again but don't give up so soon. There is still plenty of time for him to get in touch and I would expect something no later than the weekend.

ash23

My reading of this is that you told him that you don't want anything serious in terms of a relationship but you get get angry when he fails to act like a boyfriend.

I think you need to decide what it is is that you want from him and then let him know.

Yellowrose33

ash23 wrote: »

My reading of this is that you told him that you don't want anything serious in terms of a relationship but you get get angry when he fails to act like a boyfriend.

I think you need to decide what it is is that you want from him and then let him know.

No, I've never told him I didn't want a relationship. But I can see how maybe that has been perceived. I initially told him I was just out of a relationship but agreed to go on a date with him and we ended up meeting quite a few times over the space of a few weeks. I was pissed off in the first instance because he blatantly ignored a text with a direct question re our plans for the weekend, and then thought it appropriate to text @ 9pm on the Sat which in my eyes was a bit lame - even for a guy I was just casually dating.

dannyc31

ah now that i see the full details then i have to agree you are expecting too much. in fact if you read your original post you will realise that you made a cardinal error by telling him you were not in a good place at that moment since you were not long out of your relationship. but then you did agree to go on a night with him and ended up sleeping with him.

in his head that has simple translated to "you are not looking for anything serious right now because you indirectly stated that originally, but yet she has slept with me so quickly, therefore perhaps she just wants a casual sex thing which is fine with me, and i dont even have to try". "i'll keep her strung along but if a better option comes along, i'm not tied to this girl.

sorry but as the previous poster said, men and women do think very different about the casual sex thing so i would say he is more just being a guy and not a jerk at all. the mistake you made is giving him those early mixed signals.

as another poster wrote, he probably did hook up with another girl at the wedding therefore the last thing he was thinking about is texting something he has registered as a casual fling.

i think you should forget about this guy and take a bit more time to get to know a bloke before you go any further or you might end up in his "casual sex zone" very quickly.

Yellowrose33

dannyc31 wrote: »

ah now that i see the full details then i have to agree you are expecting too much. in fact if you read your original post you will realise that you made a cardinal error by telling him you were not in a good place at that moment since you were not long out of your relationship. but then you did agree to go on a night with him and ended up sleeping with him.

in his head that has simple translated to "you are not looking for anything serious right now because you indirectly stated that originally, but yet she has slept with me so quickly, therefore perhaps she just wants a casual sex thing which is fine with me, and i dont even have to try". "i'll keep her strung along but if a better option comes along, i'm not tied to this girl.

sorry but as the previous poster said, men and women do think very different about the casual sex thing so i would say he is more just being a guy and not a jerk at all. the mistake you made is giving him those early mixed signals.

as another poster wrote, he probably did hook up with another girl at the wedding therefore the last thing he was thinking about is texting something he has registered as a casual fling.

i think you should forget about this guy and take a bit more time to get to know a bloke before you go any further or you might end up in his "casual sex zone" very quickly.

Just to clarify I didn't hop into bed with him, we had gone in 7/8 dates in total before he ever stayed over.

I was trying to be honest with him cos I didn't want to fu** him around.

GreeBo

Yellowrose33 wrote: »

Just to clarify I didn't hop into bed with him, we had gone in 7/8 dates in total before he ever stayed over.

I was trying to be honest with him cos I didn't want to fu** him around.

To me, making ultimatums but not sharing them with him, *is* ****ing him around.

ash23

If I started dating someone and they said they were just out of a relationship etc etc, then I'd assume that they meant they weren't looking to get into another relationship. Even if I wasn't taking it as being a casual relationship and was really into the person, I'd take it to mean that I shouldn't come on too strong.

It could be that he sees it as a casual fling and is only looking to get his leg over. It could be that he is really into you but is playing it very cool because of the spiel you gave about not being long out of a long term relationship.

Either way, you need to decide what you want, communicate it with him and let him make it clear where he stands.

Boards.ie: Niamh

OP has closed their account and requested the thread be closed so closing off now.