Too soon to move in together?

Snatchy

Evening all,

Will keep this as brief as possible.

My gf and I have been together for 5 months or so. We get on very well together, love each other's company and generally, the relationship is by far the best one either of us have been in, in terms of being very healthy, mature and natural - no dramas.

We both live in New York and have been here for over a year. We're both Irish and actually, met here through a mutual friend.

The gf is now on a monthly rolling lease and has mentioned several times that she would like to move out of her current place (though there is no great urgency for this to happen immediately).

She knows that my lease is up at the end of January.

I am toying with mentioning the idea of moving in together to her.

My concern is obviously that it may be too soon in the relationship and I'm also aware of the "living together changes relationships" cliche ringing true.

I also realize that what is and isn't too soon is totally subjective to the particular relationship in question.

I really, really like her and totally see her as a long term partner at this stage. I'm not certain if I'm in "love" with her yet but also think that the whole idea of love is a bit silly and means different things to different people. I think, without sounding coy about it, her feelings for my are slightly stronger than mine for her. Having said that, I am categorically uninterested in meeting anyone else at this point in my life and all of my attention is on her - I want to make it work.

We both work crazy hours and really only see each other at weekends. The upside of living together would be to allow our relationship to develop at a faster rate.

My question is effectively, is it too soon? Without the obvious (such as break up during term of lease), what are the risks involved?

The advantages of moving in are twofold:

- she's the main person in my life here and I, in hers - we would get to spend more time together and hopefully, allow the relationship to blossom and reach its potential; and

- at present both of us flatshare in relatively nice areas in Manhattan, paying an absolute FORTUNE. Though both of us can afford it (just about!), it would be good to be able to actually save some money - if we get a one bed flat, my rent would be cut by about 40% and hers by about 30%.

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Happy New Year to you all

Chattastrophe!

I don't think it's necessarily too soon - however I would strongly advise you to consider a two-bed place instead of a one-bed. You won't save as much money (you mightn't save any at all) but that's not what it should be about anyways.

Even though you'd presumably be sleeping in the same room, there's a lot to be said for having your own personal space for your things, and it's nice to at least have the option to get a break from each other occasionally!

LegacyUser

What ages are you& your gf, OP?
If you're in your 30's, have sown your wild oats, & are happy, then I'd say why procrastinate/delay the inevitable. However, it's important that both of you are quite clear on whether you see moving in together as a stepping stone to marriage, or as a short-medium term relationship perk.

loubian

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

I don't think it's necessarily too soon - however I would strongly advise you to consider a two-bed place instead of a one-bed. You won't save as much money (you mightn't save any at all) but that's not what it should be about anyways.

Even though you'd presumably be sleeping in the same room, there's a lot to be said for having your own personal space for your things, and it's nice to at least have the option to get a break from each other occasionally!

+1

My friend moved in with her bf after 5 months too due to issues like yours and they're still going strong. If you feel strongly for her, I wouldn't particularly think it was a bad idea. You just have to make sure you're on the same page! It's a big decision, especially in a foreign country where you don't know many other people! But it could work if it's what you both really wanted!

Good luck!

trio

I would be very wary of moving in with a girlfriend if I wasn't in love with her.

Living with someone can be really annoying and make the most exciting relationship boring as hell.

I just think this plan is kinda naive. My mother always describes living together as "marriage without the wedding cake". And of course in terms of pure day to day tasks and interactions, it is.

Yet you don't even seem to know what "in love" is. (I would put forward the suggestion that if you don't know after 5 months....you're not going to)

So I would think that living together will not end up well.

I would also question that you want to live together to advance the relationship. Thats like buying a racehorse cos you want to learn to ride quickly.

Tigger99

Huge +1. I wouldn't be moving in with anyone unless I was sure I loved them and vice versa.

sligoface

While you could live happily ever after, be warned that you could also end up fighting constantly, realizing you have made a horrible mistake, and end up breaking up but yet still have to continue living together while one of you is in the process of apt. hunting (in NY!). Then finally, you go through one of the most awkward, sad, and disappointing scenes one can endure, where you have to separate your belongings, help her pack and load stuff up, etc., often while one or both of you are still extremely sad or angry over the whole mess. It is NOT fun when that happens.

I've had it happen before where we thought we were mad about each other, and also wanted to save money, so we moved in, but it ended in tears. But I've had it work out great too. It does change things a lot. You have to be really sure you want that other person around all the time and that the spark will still be there even if you don't get a break from them. I'm not married, live with my current gf, but I've come to realize that unless you WOULD very seruously consider marriage with the person, you shouldn't move in with them, and that is not because of any religion or hoky nonsense, it's just because undoing the whole situation is nearly just as messy as a divorce and can be really depressing - from the very first moment you realize you or the other person (or both) wants to undo it, until long after the moment one of you removes your last box of possessions from the place you once shared.

But sorry to tell you, by breaching the subject and discussing it with her, you kinda paint yourself into a corner. She might read into it big time if you get cold feet, and be very unimpressed . But don't let that force your hand, because that will be what it's like when you live together, it won't work if one or both of you can't work things out reasonably when it comes to addressing all the various things you differ on (and you won't know what many of them are until you live together, unfortunately!).

If you say to her lets give it more time until we decide, and she is really truly cool with that, then (ironically) I think that is a good sign that you two are moving at the same pace and might be compatible. But you may still have to reassure her you are still serious about her, she may still feel somewhat let down or rejected, even if she is not sure about moving in either.

But definitely, you need to be in more than 'like' with her. Moving in together will not make you fall in love, more often you start to notice all the annoying things about the person that you never knew existed. But if you are already really in love, you accept some of these things, you work together on them, and don't fret over them too much because you love the person so deeply that those things could never be dealbreakers, and after a while you even realize that you would actually miss those annoying habits if the person who had them was no longer in your life.

Meauldsegosha

I would be wary of moving in with someone after 5 months. OP there are a couole of things in your post that would make me question whether you should move in with each other. One, the "love" question. After 5 months I would expect to have a stong indication of whether I loved someone.

Secondly, you say you only see each other at weekends. Do you spend the whole weekend together? Have you been on holiday together? The old saying "if you want to know me, come live with me" is so so true. I know couples who've broken up after a two weeks holiday.

Carpet diem

Go for it if you its not just your hearth saying so..

dipdip

Don't do it. Give it another 6 months before considering it again.

Snatchy

Hi guys - OP here. Thanks for the replies so far. Mixed advice!

Some fillers:

- we're both 26;

- I've satisfied my wild oaths and she's not the type for that really. She's well interested in settling down (her best friend is getting married this year);

- we haven't been on holidays together but we do spend entire weekends together and are VERY relaxed around each other. That was one of the main things which drew me to her - just how very comfortable we are around each other;

- on weekdays, nine times out of ten I go almost straight to bed after work and am gone first thing in the early morning so I actually don't think our "together" time will increase dramatically but I think seeing each other for that extra bit in the evenings could help foster the relationship because at this rate, I almost think that seeing each other at weekends only is more of an obstacle for the relationship than anything else. We might chat once a day on the phone for ten minutes and send a few texts and that's IT; and

- as some of you have correctly identified, it may be a worry that my feelings for her are perhaps not as strong as they should be - but I really want them to be. I know that she is so great in most of the things which I would typically look for and know that she would make a fantastic long term partner. She's not perfect but neither am I and I think that those bits that annoy me, I've already accepted and gotten over (as she has too). I'm sure there will be other things and I guess, if we decide on moving in together, we'll have to deal with them as and when they arise but that is where the risk lies!

Is there anything else I should be thinking about or are there any other aspects of my posts that yee'd like to comment on?

S

CaraMay

For me living with someone is a special thing. I know a lot of people just do it but I still think that it should be a big deal to move in with someone.

I don't think it should be with someone you don't love and it definitely should not be for convenience or to save money.

Until you can't bear to live apart from her I would stay away.

username123

I wouldnt do it if I were you.

The clinical way in which you can calmly state you are not into her as much as she is into you and then go on to talk about what percentage of rent the arrangement would save both of you - I just think its a recipe for disaster.

Why would you move in and share a bed and life with someone you dont really love. Its like you want to love her, but you dont, so youre settling for what youve got and listing off all the nice stuff to try and persuade yourself that its a good thing.

Forget about the 5 months, if you loved her youd be dying to move in, not analysing it like a business transaction.

dannyc31

I really, really like her and totally see her as a long term partner at this stage. I'm not certain if I'm in "love" with her yet but also think that the whole idea of love is a bit silly and means different things to different people.

so many men try to convince themselves of this until the right girl comes along and everything changes. love is one of those things that no-one will ever explain but it does exist. when you are in love you just know it. in fact boffins have been able to scan the area of the brain for different activity in couples who are in love verse those who are not.

so what i guess i'm saying is, its too soon if you ask me and as others said i would we very reluctant to move in with anyone unless i knew i was in love with them. i think you should give it another 6months. then see how you feel. if you feel alot stronger about her in 6 months and see a future together marriage and family etc, then go for it.

the other thing is you are probably right about her feelings towards you. chance are she may have already falling in love with you, but like most people especially if its the girl, they are gonna want to protect their heart and are not gonna tell you how they really feel unless you told her you loved her first.

so if i were you i would sit down and tell her how much you like her and love spending time together etc etc but that you are just not quite there when it comes to taking such a big step like moving it together and would just like to give it some more time. as i said another 6months shouldnt do any harm if its meant to be.

best of luck.

The Corinthian

As has been suggested, I wouldn't move in together this soon - and when I say this soon, I don't mean soon in the relationship, but in living in New York.

Living in a new country is very difficult at first. Chances are you don't know anyone there. Friendships with fellow expats are very superficial and getting to know the locals can be a tough nut to crack. As such, if you find yourself in a relationship, you can find yourself relying on this far more than if you were living back home, as your 'other half' inevitably is not only a romantic partner, but also becomes your primary social 'circle'.

This can create a false sense of intimacy and also serve to retard any social circle you may actually build in your new home.

Nonetheless, if you do choose to go ahead and live together there are three things, I'd recommend:

• Maintain some space. As some have suggested, get a two bedroom place, rather than just the one.
• Check out the legal implications. This is easy for us to overlook in Ireland, given that the whole rental market is so badly regulated and, frankly, Mickey Mouse. However, rental contracts can have serious implications in some countries; what rights, if any, do you have if your name isn't on the contract? Or hers isn't and she then refuses to pay any rent? Or both of your names are there and only one of you wants to terminate the contract? Different countries have different rules, so you should check this out before signing anything.
• Don't just fall into the trap of going with the flow. Common enough scenario is that people often end up moving in together, are not really happy, but to lazy or frightened to move out, then eventually just find themselves committing more and more because... typically because someone else is pushing for more commitment. Don't sleepwalk into an unhappy marriage, is what I'm warning.

ShaShaBear

Myself and my partner moved in together after 5 months together. However, we both knew we were very much in love with each other and had found what we both needed and wanted in a partner.
You are making it blatantly obvious you are not in love with this girl, and after five months of spending every weekend together, you would know if you were or not.

Don't think that living with her and adding a few extra hours of interaction time is going to suddenly knock you to your knees with emotional uplift. Chances are that when you go to bed every night after work without spending time with her first will upset her greatly, while right now it is acceptable and understandable. You also have to contend with coming home to find she is entertaining, and tough doody on you because she is entitled to. Or you might find that you can't leave that household chore until the weekend because she would prefer you keep their living space clean. Things like this will almost instantly irk you if you have no strong feelings for her.

Romantically speaking, you move in with someone because you want them to be around all the time, you hate missing them and can't bear to be apart from them.
You do not move in with someone in the hopes that being around them all the time will force you to have feelings that you simply don't have. Never mind the fact that the poor girl's heart will be broken if it doesn't work out and she is left blaming herself.

December2012

I don't think you should move in with somebody you like just to save money and hope that it makes you fall in love.

If the lease issue was not in play, if the rent issue was not in play, would you be moving in together anyway?

dannyc31

Myself and my partner moved in together after 5 months together. However, we both knew we were very much in love with each other and had found what we both needed and wanted in a partner.
You are making it blatantly obvious you are not in love with this girl, and after five months of spending every weekend together, you would know if you were or not.

Don't think that living with her and adding a few extra hours of interaction time is going to suddenly knock you to your knees with emotional uplift. Chances are that when you go to bed every night after work without spending time with her first will upset her greatly, while right now it is acceptable and understandable. You also have to contend with coming home to find she is entertaining, and tough doody on you because she is entitled to. Or you might find that you can't leave that household chore until the weekend because she would prefer you keep their living space clean. Things like this will almost instantly irk you if you have no strong feelings for her.

Romantically speaking, you move in with someone because you want them to be around all the time, you hate missing them and can't bear to be apart from them.
You do not move in with someone in the hopes that being around them all the time will force you to have feelings that you simply don't have. Never mind the fact that the poor girl's heart will be broken if it doesn't work out and she is left blaming herself.

i think this is a brilliant post. OP i would read this post very carefully cause this is probably the wisest thing you will need to hear to do the right thing here. the horrible thing is so many people do this and end up unhappy and stuck living together. i couldnt think of a worse hell.

as i originally said, give it another 6months and see if you develop that deeper loving bond wit this girl, or otherwise cut her lose for your sanity and hers.

FairytaleGirl

Just to give an alternative point of view here..

Similar situation OP. I felt as you did, 5months is not long at all, especially if you only see her at weekends which works out at about 40days! Of course you won't know 100% if you love someone by then?In fact, when people proclaim their love that soon I'm often sceptical that they're confusing it with lust!
Anyway, I was in a similar situation, my feelings were slow burning because I was so cautious having been hurt in the past - for various reasons my other half and I ended up moving in together after 6months and we're still together 3years later and very much in love.
You know your feelings more than anyone and to me it sounds like you're in this for the long haul - you wouldnt be feeling like this if you didnt have very strong feelings deep down!( whether you realise it or not yet).

Good luck!