How to deal with an a**hole

LegacyUser

Not as serious a PI as most around here, but this is something I would really appreciate insight or advice on.

I've recently moved to a very busy city, having spent a good few years on the other side of the world. My previous residence would be a very friendly, lovely town where people are sort of famously polite, kind and rudeness would be a bit of a social no-no, so to say I've gotten used to a very harmonious way of living would be an understatement.

More recently, I've found myself surrounded by a hell of a lot more rude, abrupt, impatient people - not entirely unexpected in a busy city. I've also started in a high-pressure job, and the "a55hole quotient" in there is higher than I've ever experienced. Most people are lovely, but there are a few people - I hate to say it, but mainly guys - who would be just downright rude, abrupt, dismissive of me and respond to me via grunts or condescending stares.

Not only that - but I'm also a member of a message board in this new town, where I've experienced the same behaviour online - it would be a forum open to the public where meet-ups specific to the city would be arranged, and I've found some of the messages and posts etc there quite jarring. A lot of hostility and antagonistic posts.

To give some background, I'm a mid 20s woman and have always been friendly, out-going and very sociable. I get along with most people and would be considered likeable and attractive, I'm pretty sure it's not me that's the problem! I place a high value on kindness and take pleasure in helping others and I suppose being something of an extrovert, a lot of my energy comes from interactions with other people. So I've found all of this quite harrowing, even to the point where a bad interaction will upset me for the day. I just don't understand unneccessary meanness, or bitter, negative behaviour.

I think having lived somewhere excessively polite and friendly for so long had a very positive impact on me - I became even more polite and respectful of strangers etc than I was before moving there. And I really, really don't want this new kind of behaviour I'm exposed to, to affect my personality negatively.

So I suppose I'd love to hear how other people deal with this kind of behaviour - how do you put it to the back of your mind and keep a smile on your face for the day, be it a stranger on the bus, a colleague, someone on a message board etc?

clairefontaine

You are just going to have to learn to brush it off.

There is no other real option.

Eventually you will become desensitized to it and it wont bother you anymore.

What city are you in? Cities are a lot ruder because people don't have the time for manners.

Legs.Eleven

There's really no solution to this; people won't change and yes, having lived in two large cities in the last 7 years, I understand where you're coming from but you do get used to it. All big cities are like this but also remember because it's a big city, you're going to meet more types of people with more variations in personality and ways of being and that will include those who act like arseholes. That's just life in a big city and you really have to just suck it up, I'm afraid. You do get used to it though.

gugleguy

Was there any sort of demonstration / even minor riot in this city in the last 12 months OP. I'm not interested in the city location,OP in the point I'm making here. In the aftermath, city people will be more rough in outlook.

Balaclava1991

A dog's bark is worse than it's bite. Most people who are arseholes are physical cowards. If you stand up to them they will back down. What are they going to do anyway? Attack you physically? So f*ck 'em. Don't be intimidated. Keep your cool and think of them as people destined to die of massive heart attacks. Remain sweet little you and everything will be fine.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. Good to know it gets easier at some stage!

I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill but i just feel like a fish out of water. It's so against everything I believe in - and have experienced these past few years - to have to deal with unprovoked hostility and rudeness. The message board stuff really got to me, as I made a few cheerful, positive posts that brought on a wall of negativity and to be frank, absolute "cnut" ishness that I'm so not used to dealing with. It upset me.

I guess I'm torn between confronting this kind of behaviour when I see it, as my nature would be to be quite honest. But wondering if I'd be cuttting my nose off to spite my face with that, it'd probably just affect my mood for the day if I got into some kind of verbal spat with someone.

I just don't get rudeness / negativity / meanness / bullish behaviour at all. What is wrong with people?? Life is hard enough as it is without being unnecessarily cruel and going to the point of upsetting everyone around you.

Balaclava1991

negativenellies wrote: »

I just don't get rudeness / negativity / meanness / bullish behaviour at all. What is wrong with people?? Life is hard enough as it is without being unnecessarily cruel and going to the point of upsetting everyone around you.

Most of it is pure cowardice and childishness.
None of these people can carry through on their threats and negativity.
People who behave like this usually don't have the guts or the intelligence to back it up.
Just laugh at it to yourself.
Life is not a serious as these sad little people make it out to be.

qdawg86

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

Most of it is pure cowardice and childishness.
None of these people can carry through on their threats and negativity.
People who behave like this usually don't have the guts or the intelligence to back it up.
Just laugh at it to yourself.
Life is not a serious as these sad little people make it out to be.

I find it just best to get it all out in the open. If someone is rude to me I just try to nip it in the bud immediately by asking 'Is there a problem here?' or 'Is it really necessary to interact with me like that?'.

It always ends with people backing down and realising that they are not going to get away with behaving like that.

Unfortunately you can't really deal with every person like this. A lot you will just have to ignore and tackle the worst offenders head on

Balaclava1991

qdawg86 wrote: »

I find it just best to get it all out in the open. If someone is rude to me I just try to nip it in the bud immediately by asking 'Is there a problem here?' or 'Is it really necessary to interact with me like that?'.

It always ends with people backing down and realising that they are not going to get away with behaving like that.

Unfortunately you can't really deal with every person like this. A lot you will just have to ignore and tackle the worst offenders head on

You don't even have to say anything most of the time.
Your body language should speak for itself.
Idiots like this get off on the fact that people feel intimidated by them.
If you are a strong person who is not naturally intimidated by them good for you.
If you are a gentler quieter person you have to learn how to control your body language and your facial expression and not let them know you are spooked.
Martial arts and sports can help.
If you are comfortable throwing someone on a mat or being thrown on a mat or plowing into someone on the playing field then what can a boss or some loudmouth colleague do to you?
It's just words at the end of the day.
Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me as the old saying goes.

iusedtoknow

Culture shock can be a weird thing.

I moved from one city to another in the same country a few years ago. I found the people in my new city on the surface cold and unfriendly in comparison to where I had been. Most weekend were spent on the train back to the warmth of our old city (and my wife's hometown). Eventually I saw through the cold and that it was just the way people were on the surface and as soon as you became friendly with them, they opened up.
The same is true today. I live in San Francisco where people are pretty laid back and easy going. I have to go to NY for work periodically and I find people there abrupt and rude, from to the receptionist at the vendor, the ones I deal with in the office to the hotdog guy in the street. I know they aren't but NY is a much more bustling city than SF so I have to adjust and get into that cities culture.

You'll become desensitized before you know it and learn how to deal with the people, and the city on their terms. You won't change it, but it'll change you..it's unfortunate, but that is the reality.

clairefontaine

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Culture shock can be a weird thing.

I moved from one city to another in the same country a few years ago. I found the people in my new city on the surface cold and unfriendly in comparison to where I had been. Most weekend were spent on the train back to the warmth of our old city (and my wife's hometown). Eventually I saw through the cold and that it was just the way people were on the surface and as soon as you became friendly with them, they opened up.
The same is true today. I live in San Francisco where people are pretty laid back and easy going. I have to go to NY for work periodically and I find people there abrupt and rude, from to the receptionist at the vendor, the ones I deal with in the office to the hotdog guy in the street. I know they aren't but NY is a much more bustling city than SF so I have to adjust and get into that cities culture.

You'll become desensitized before you know it and learn how to deal with the people, and the city on their terms. You won't change it, but it'll change you..it's unfortunate, but that is the reality.

This is funny because I find NY to be real. The pacific northwest I find reserved and often passive aggressive. I had an experience at supermarket checkout where I wanted to say "if this were NYC someone would have punched you in the face by now for lecturing them plastic bottle tops."

Thing is its a different set of manners, in NYC the MOST rude thing to do is waste time and not hurry up. Cities like other communities have their own codes of manners, that often don't jibe with others. I don't know where OP is, but the Irish and English emphasis on manners is not as strong in other places and they have their own codes of what is offensive, and please and thank you don't come into it.

thegreatgonzo

Is there an alternative to the message board that you could use? I don't know the kind of thing you are talking about but it sounds like you are putting yourself unnecessarily in the path of cyber bullies.

Sirsok

People may not be as rude and ignorant as you perceive them to be.... People have often told me that they genuinely hated me before they got to know me as I apparently look stuck up, arrogant and angry , however they then get to know me they always make a point to tell me how I am much different then they originally thought. My best friend is someone who passionately hated me before they ever even spoken to me!

Give people a chance and you may be surprised

gugleguy

OP here's something for you to do:
1. Go on youtube/ vimeo.
2. Search for [your city] and a year, say 30 years ago like 1983.
3. Press return.
4. Pick a video from the results, to watch. May not be exactly the year in question, but that's no prob.
5. Now just enter the name of the same city, this time without a year after it - should offer results for the present day.

This will show you how society has hardened up.