Advice on how to have a limited relationship with a parent.

LegacyUser

Hi.

Family:

My father has passed away and I have one sister 4 years younger than me.

Me:

I'm 31, 6 months ago I was living in an apartment in Dublin working in pretty great well paying job.

And then I got a call from a relative who had my mother visiting them asking me to arrange for her to go home that she was out of control etc, etc, I came home to my home town to find out that my mother was fighting with neighbours, going to every mass (Having been a lapsed Catholic) and some other fairly strange behaviour. To cut a longer story short she was having a manic episode and it culminated in the Guards putting her into an ambulance and she spent a month on a mental health ward.

I had moved home, ultimately the stress of all of this and some other strain in my life prompted me to give my notice in my job, I spent 3 weeks travelling around Europe in October and felt great during and immediately after the trip. Since then, living at home with my mother who has transformed from the energiser bunny into a barely responsive, anxious, depressed shell of a person has made me feel depressed and stressed. I had met a girl in Germany on my travels and when I went back to see her a week ago she said it was like I was a different person.

I just got myself a new job and it's mostly working from home. I feel I need to move out as soon as possible . I was just wondering if people had any advice for how to have a "limited" relationship with a parent. I do care about my mother but I feel my life will not turn out well if I stay at home. She talked about being neglected, being an orphan in the run up to her episode.

diograis

She's clearly toxic for you, it's nice you care for her but you need to think about yourself as well ! I'm in the same boat with my father, i keep him at arms length and it works fine for me given the situation as it allows me to be happy. I think you need to take a look at all the options and see what's best for everyone, but don't forget you need to be a tiny bit selfish too. Best of luck!

Merkin

Where's your sister in all of this OP?

LegacyUser

My sister lives 25 minutes away, commutes to work and is studying outside work.

In the past few years she has attended counselling where she was told that my mother exhibits co-dependency, the time she spends with my mother is restricted at the moment but then she has the comfort of knowing that I am at home ....

diograis

diograis wrote: »

She's clearly toxic for you, it's nice you care for her but you need to think about yourself as well ! I'm in the same boat with my father, i keep him at arms length and it works fine for me given the situation as it allows me to be happy. I think you need to take a look at all the options and see what's best for everyone, but don't forget you need to be a tiny bit selfish too. Best of luck!

His mum isn't toxic, she's obviously unwell and it's not her fault that she's suffering like this, no matter how hard that is on everyone else.

OP, I'd gather all possible resources and utilise them. Does she have siblings who can be asked to visit more often? Can you ask your sister to check in by phone on a daily basis, maybe you do it in the morning and she checks in in the evening so that she knows you both care and you're both involved with looking out for her? Can you talk to one of the professionals looking after her and get advice from them about how to manage her? Is she taking her medication? If you feel her meds aren't helping, it might be helpful to go to one of her appointments with her. Once her condition is being managed well, she'll be able to take more of her life in her own hands.

If you feel your mum's situation is in hand, you'll be able to pull back a lot more than if you're feeling anxious and guilty. It's only natural you want to spare yourself misery, and it's also natural to want to look out for your mum.

Tramps Like Us

OP's mum is not toxic!

From the information given there is nothing to suggest that she is a bad person but just very unwell!

OP, what do you mean by "limited relationship"?

You could move out and live in your own house and still help look after your mum. You sound a bit like you just want to wash your hands of it, but she is your mum and you shouldn't do that.

December2012

Talk to your public health nurse about putting a care package in place for your mother, with meals on wheels, home help, respite day centres etc.

Is there any particular reason that you have to live with her? It really does sound like she is having a mental health issue here as opposed to a personality one, but you could confirm that with a medical professional.