I am the other woman and I hate myself

urcharitycase

I am the other woman. I am the girl who ruined everything. Trust me, I never thought I'd be here.

Some women tell me that it isn't my fault, the relationship was doomed before he even met me. If anything, I saved him. I showed him that he could be happy.

Other women hate me. They look at me and see all the reasons they hate themselves, all the reasons they hate the men they loved who never loved them back like they should have.

I never wanted to be the other woman. I'm going to say it: it.just.happened.

YES. I KNOW. It's awful and I'm the worst but it just happened and I can't take it back. I was selfish, yes. He was perfect because there was no way that any of this would become an actual thing, I could just have fun and nothing would be expected of me. I never wanted it to become a thing. I didn't think it would. We talked about TV shows and music and Youtube and all of a sudden, I was spending every weekend with him. And oh god, I have a soul. I promise. There were so many times that I just said I couldn't, I wouldn't, I shouldn't do it anymore. But I did.

They eventually split up and we got together. And things have been great. I should let myself be happy. Right? I wasn't just the escape. I'm an actual person in this story.

But every time a movie comes on, every time I read about the other woman in a book or an article, I hate myself. It's the only thing I talk about anymore, when I get drunk. I will always be Rachel Bilson on The Last Kiss. If my man's ex-woman saw him at a party and they got on great, I wouldn't blame him for wanting to go back to her. I would feel relieved. Like the good woman actually did win in the end. I would feel like justice was served but now I feel like Karma is waiting around the corner to slap me right in the face. When things get sour and I no longer make him happy and he is wiped clean of all love for me, I will deserve it.

He feels guilty too. I know that because when I asked him why some of her stuff was still around, he said he'd feel like an asshole if he tossed it out. If I was never the other woman that would be totally unacceptable. Why should I have sex in the same house where the ghost of a woman still hangs around? (Even as a type that, I feel like such a goddamn hypocrite. **** me.)

When will this end?

CaraMay

It's not nice but he was the one who was cheating. It doesn't excuse your input to the demise of their relationship but its true. Would you trust him now?

I think a lot of the time relationships borne of affairs don't work is down to the guilt and also the inability to trust the man who cheated on his ex.

Amirani

Hi urcharitycase, I've moved your thread to relationship issues as I think it may be better suited to that forum.

Siosleis

Other woman, you broke up an engagement and a ten year relationship and caused untold misery in the past three years. All because you decided that you wanted a particular man.
Oh but you were clever. You befriended him.You "listened" to him when his partner "wouldn't".You made him think, no,CONVINCED him that he would be miserable for the rest of his life if he stayed with her. And your insidious comments and "insights" led him to your arms, two days later, a fact you gleefully announced on facebook.
You should hate yourself other woman, because your actions ruined two lives, and by God you should hope that I never meet you face to face because I will do time over you.
I hate you and I hope you karma finds you twenty times over.

nc19

Life is far too short to worry about these things

If you never did it you wonder what might have been

If he was meant to be with the other girl he would be

nc19

Siosleis wrote: »

Other woman, you broke up an engagement and a ten year relationship and caused untold misery in the past three years. All because you decided that you wanted a particular man.
Oh but you were clever. You befriended him.You "listened" to him when his partner "wouldn't".You made him think, no,CONVINCED him that he would be miserable for the rest of his life if he stayed with her. And your insidious comments and "insights" led him to your arms, two days later, a fact you gleefully announced on facebook.
You should hate yourself other woman, because your actions ruined two lives, and by God you should hope that I never meet you face to face because I will do time over you.
I hate you and I hope you karma finds you twenty times over.

If you were a good enough partner he never would have had his head turned

No point blaming the other women. If it wasnt her itd be someone else because YOU were not doing something right

username123

nc19 wrote: »

If you were a good enough partner he never would have had his head turned

No point blaming the other women. If it wasnt her itd be someone else because YOU were not doing something right

Nonsense.

No point blaming either woman. It was the guy who cheated!! It doesnt matter what woman did what right, the guy was the one who broke his marriage vows.

As for the OP - you got what you wanted and now you are miserable, which leads me to think that you didnt really know what you wanted in the first place. Who wants a lying cheating sneak for a man, except the woman who cant have him eh?

Siosleis

nc19 wrote: »

If you were a good enough partner he never would have had his head turned

No point blaming the other women. If it wasnt her itd be someone else because YOU were not doing something right

I was a good enough partner. Were you there? Or do you know something I don't?Have you had YOUR heart broken by the actions of two people?
Do not be so flippant.

nc19

Siosleis wrote: »

I was a good enough partner. Were you there? Or do you know something I don't?Have you had YOUR heart broken by the actions of two people?
Do not be so flippant.

Ive been the fella. As in, i had the other woman try to turn my head but my OH was doing everything right so therefore i had no need to go elsewhere.

Just because YOU think you did everything right doesnt mean you did

Taltos

Siosleis welcome to PI/RI. Please have a read of our charter. While this is a personally emotive issue for you our charter still applies and if you have no constructive advice to offer then you are kindly asked not to post. Breaches of our charter here can and do result in bans being issued.

Thanks
Taltos

Czarcasm

urcharitycase wrote: »

I am the other woman. I am the girl who ruined everything. Trust me, I never thought I'd be here.

You're not "the other woman", you're a woman, and you didn't ruin anything. Your current partners previous relationship was doomed long before he met you. You just happened to provide him with the motivation and the opportunity to cheat on his wife, I don't know if you encouraged him at the time, but it sounds like he had wanted out of his marriage anyway. If it hadn't been you, it could just as easily have been someone else.

You can't undo what's done now, but both of you can work on your new relationship to try and make it work (reality has a habit of giving you an awful kick in the teeth when the novelty and excitement wears off an affair). Perhaps, as strange as it sounds, you could both consider some form of relationship counselling?

He feels guilty too. I know that because when I asked him why some of her stuff was still around, he said he'd feel like an asshole if he tossed it out. If I was never the other woman that would be totally unacceptable. Why should I have sex in the same house where the ghost of a woman still hangs around? (Even as a type that, I feel like such a goddamn hypocrite. **** me.)

You're a hypocrite, but you're also a human being, and obviously a very conflicted one at that, but that's not to say you should feel guilty for falling for a married man, both of you created the situation you find yourselves in, so both of you of course should share the responsibility equally. Also, have you discussed with your partner how you feel about your current living arrangements?

When will this end?

Well you could end it straight away if you wanted, you're still completely in control of your own actions, but I understand that feelings are another thing entirely. Do you feel like you got yourself into a situation you'd rather walk away from so you wouldn't have to deal with it, or are you both prepared to put in the effort to make it work?

MagicMarker

OP, it will likely end when you find out your man has a new other woman to play with.

Frankly, you should feel like ****. Yes, he's the only one that cheated. But you allowed yourself to be the one he cheated WITH. Where's your self respect? Where are the morals? Why would anyone willingly contribute to the pain and suffering of another? I don't understand how anyone can do it.

In saying that, you achieve nothing by dwelling on the past. What's done is done. You need to accept the fact and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't sound too happy in the relationship. Are you? Is this what you want? Do you want to be with him in 10-15-35 years time?

If you do, then you are going to have to either get over or live with the guilt.

If you don't, then you have to end the relationship. You can't stay in it out of guilt. It sounds like his relationship wasn't going to last anyway. You were just the catalyst.

GreeBo

Typer Monkey wrote: »

OP I found this out the hard way myself in the past 'if he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you'

Well at least thats not a generic branding of all men.

Perhaps and only perhaps, he will cheat on the OP if he again ends up in a unfullfilling relationship?

urcharitycase

I'm obviously here because I am confused and ashamed.
The man I am dating wasn't married but he was dating someone who was just as real. I used to try and convince myself that she wasn't, but she was.
I feel defensive reading some of your comments. I never asked for this. But you are right. I did make this choice. I worry sometimes and not because I think he's some cheating asshole from some movie or soap opera like you're all describing him but only because I feel extremely guilty.
I almost feel bad for saying this, but I love this man. I really do. I ask these questions because I want to know if I will find a way to forgive myself. If he cheats on me in the future (the way you all seem to think he will) I will still be fine. I will always be fine.
I just want to stop carrying this awful weight around.

urcharitycase

Czarcasm wrote: »

You're not "the other woman", you're a woman, and you didn't ruin anything. Your current partners previous relationship was doomed long before he met you. You just happened to provide him with the motivation and the opportunity to cheat on his wife, I don't know if you encouraged him at the time, but it sounds like he had wanted out of his marriage anyway. If it hadn't been you, it could just as easily have been someone else.

You can't undo what's done now, but both of you can work on your new relationship to try and make it work (reality has a habit of giving you an awful kick in the teeth when the novelty and excitement wears off an affair). Perhaps, as strange as it sounds, you could both consider some form of relationship counselling?





You're a hypocrite, but you're also a human being, and obviously a very conflicted one at that, but that's not to say you should feel guilty for falling for a married man, both of you created the situation you find yourselves in, so both of you of course should share the responsibility equally. Also, have you discussed with your partner how you feel about your current living arrangements?





Well you could end it straight away if you wanted, you're still completely in control of your own actions, but I understand that feelings are another thing entirely. Do you feel like you got yourself into a situation you'd rather walk away from so you wouldn't have to deal with it, or are you both prepared to put in the effort to make it work?

This is the most helpful thing I have read. Thank you for treating me like a person.

Taltos

OK guys no more discussion over items not in evidence in the OPs posts. If you cannot limit yourself to responding with constructive advice please don't post - all other posts are clearly off topic and will be treated as such from this point onwards - warnings/infractions and/or bans.

I have deleted all such posts to try limit any more spiralling responses.

Thanks
Taltos

beks101

urcharitycase wrote: »

I never asked for this

urcharitycase wrote: »

Other women hate me.

urcharitycase wrote: »

I never wanted to be the other woman. I'm going to say it: it.just.happened.

urcharitycase wrote: »

When will this end?

I have to say OP, this victim complex you have going on is pretty staggering.

You're not the victim here. You did ask for this. Other women don't hate you, they hate your actions, for which you seemingly refuse to take responsibility for, with phrases like "it just happened". It didn't just happen. Relationships don't "just happen", there's a certain little flirting and wooing and seduction dance we're all familiar with, in which both parties play a role.

You played that role, you pursued what you now have, knowing full well about the reality of the situation you were getting into. You're not intellectually challenged or someone who was "tricked" into cheating with a taken man - you wrangled yourself into that position. Own it. Accept it. Hold your hands up and admit that you caused incredible pain to another human being through your selfish need for what was not yours to take, and allow it to turn you into a better, more considerate, more compassionate person.

In my life, I've found being honest with myself, and others who are important to me, about my mistakes, and making it my life's mission to learn from them and grow from them, has been the path out of the sort of shame and sadness you are experiencing. Choosing to grow, instead of stagnating in a rut of misery and despair.

You fucked up. That didn't "happen" to you - you chose it. You chose to be selfish, you chose to turn a blind eye to the deceit and dishonesty you were engaging in, for the sake of your own ego and your own self-gratification. That is an indisputable fact. And you did it for your own, conscious or unconscious, personal reasons. Perhaps they are worth exploring.

I'm not exactly sure how to advise you in your current relationship, as it's not exactly something I'm well-versed in. I imagine I would struggle too.

All I can tell you is to quit lying to yourself and choose a more honest, more wholesome life - resolve these issues you have that led you to choose this path (most emotionally healthy people will immediately zone a taken man/woman out of the realm of romantic possibility).

Take note of other women in your life who may be struggling similarly, emotionally, romantically, try to be of help. Be honest with your partner about this guilt, this pain, this sadness. Talk about it. Cry about it. Be emotionally honest from now on. Quit the negative thinking and the ridiculous ideas, such as women hating you because they "look at me and see all the reasons they hate themselves". No. They deplore the behaviour because it is deceitful, unspeakably selfish, destructive, home-wrecking, soulless and deplorable behaviour.

It was wrong, and a certain amount of guilt is healthy; the amount you are feeling is indulgent, bordering on martydom and I suspect another symptom of this issue you have, be it low self esteem or lack of boundaries or whatever, that led you to cheat with this man in the first place.

It was wrong, but you can learn and grow from it. You can quit the negative thinking, (wo)man up, look yourself in the eye, and vow to be the kind of person that you'd be proud to be from now on.

jdsk2006

What exactly is the point of this thread???? Am i missin something?

fungun

He made the decision to cheat. Probably because (a) his relationship was crap (b) he wanted some more excitement or (c) he really loved you more than his partner.

That was his call, no one else's, you should not feel ownership for this (although I agree with post above that you certainly contributed to the issue)

However if he started with you for reasons (a) or (b) then its not a great way to start a relationship, and Id be worried about the future. If its (c) then dont worry, but this happens far more rarely than (a) or (b)

LegacyUser

<Mod Snip: Off topic and quoting a post that has already been actioned by a moderator>

Op I've been in a similar position to you once before in my life, I did not Persue the man, he Persued me and I told him I wouldn't be the other woman within a couple of days. That relationship ended when she found out and we got together. My happiness at finally meeting someone I loved was always bitter sweet , there was always an underlying guilt so I know exactly what your feeling.

The truth was that he wasn't happy with his previous partner and he eventually did exactly the same to me, this is because sometimes people like this can't be happy without the thrill of the chase.

I'll never voluntarily do that to another human being ever again, I often think of the girl and wonder if she could ever forgive me but I doubt it, some times I think alls fair in love and war and hasn't it been done to me many times but I know I'm only trying to make myself feel less guilty.

Op be careful here, if he was the type to Persue you then he just may do the same to you when he gets bored of you.

Take care

Big Bag of Chips

As the OP has closed their account, and so will not be contributing to the thread anymore, the thread is now locked.