Brother possibly fancies my girlfriend

AnonMouse

Hi folks,

This may be a long post, so thanks in advance for anyone that replies.

To cut to the chase; I met the most amazing girl earlier this year and we have since developed a really nice relationship. To say that she is the salt of the Earth would be understating it. She is an amazing person and people really warm to her as she is very compassionate, funny etc.

She and I live in a different part of the country. So, a couple of months ago, I decided to bring her to my home town for a weekend when my parents were away. My older brother lives in my home town so we met him once or twice over the weekend. My brother is a very quiet person and he is deeply introverted. He wouldn't be the chattiest person and he sometimes struggles to meet women. I know he would really like to have a girlfriend, but I think he has very little confidence when it comes to meeting women, even though, on paper he is a very good catch. He is smart, humble, handsome, single, has a good job etc. You get what I am saying!!

Anyway, when I introduced my girlfriend to my brother, I could tell straight away that he liked her, as a person. I have never seen him warming to someone so quickly before and he was full of chat with her, which is really out of character for him. It was so great to see him coming out of himself though, as he is really sound.

When my parents got back, I spoke to my mother and she was telling me that my brother was really singing my girlfriend's praises and he was saying how much he thought of her and what a nice person she is. I've never heard my brother say anything like that about anyone. He is just not that type of person.

The next time I brought my girlfriend home, we went to my brother's house for a few drinks. Straight away, I saw a different side to my brother when he was interacting with my girlfriend. He was chattier, happier, smilier than he'd ever usually be (especially around new people) and it was great to see him coming out of his skin so much, as he is good craic when he leaves his guard down.

I should point out that there was no inappropriate or over the top behaviour from him or anything like that. It was just obvious that he really likes her.

Last night, I dropped my sister home after she had been out and I mentioned to her that I thought my brother might like my girlfriend. My sister told me she thought the same thing, after he gave an unusually enthusiastic answer when my sister asked him what my gf was like. She felt this because he had mentioned how nice my girlfriend is on numerous occasions and she thought this was really out of character of him too.

The problem is, that I feel bad for my brother because he has been down in himself lately and I feel bad for him if he really likes my girlfriend, and i'm keeping him from her. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but I hate seeing a family member down

I'm so sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice on how I could bring this up with my brother? Or should I say nothing at all? Any advice at all will be appreciated. I don't think I am imagining the situation, since my sister said the same as I was thinking.

This is eating me up inside and I hope I have articulated the situation in a coherent way.

Snatchy

I guess the question is really, what is more important to you:

- your girlfriend; or
- seeing your brother happy.

I don't envy you - it's not an easily reconcilable situation. Even if the latter is more important, the question is, what can be done about it?:

- tell your gf that your brother is crazy about her and see how she feels about it - that would be silly (unless of course you sense from her that she would be that way inclined but there is no mention of that in your post);

- end your relationship with your gf in the hope of avoiding your bro's almost inevitable build up of resentment and envy;

- keep your gf away from your bro until such time as hefinds someone else; and

- assist him with the above as much as you can (if you really really value your gf and you don't want your relatioship with her to be effected by this predicament in any way) - perhaps it would be a good idea to suss out your gf's friends as they may possibly have similar personality trends.

I wouldn't necessarily mention it to your brother yet because it may well embarass him.

Discuss it with your gf - see what she thinks.

AnonMouse wrote: »

Hi folks,

This may be a long post, so thanks in advance for anyone that replies.

To cut to the chase; I met the most amazing girl earlier this year and we have since developed a really nice relationship. To say that she is the salt of the Earth would be understating it. She is an amazing person and people really warm to her as she is very compassionate, funny etc.

She and I live in a different part of the country. So, a couple of months ago, I decided to bring her to my home town for a weekend when my parents were away. My older brother lives in my home town so we met him once or twice over the weekend. My brother is a very quiet person and he is deeply introverted. He wouldn't be the chattiest person and he sometimes struggles to meet women. I know he would really like to have a girlfriend, but I think he has very little confidence when it comes to meeting women, even though, on paper he is a very good catch. He is smart, humble, handsome, single, has a good job etc. You get what I am saying!!

Anyway, when I introduced my girlfriend to my brother, I could tell straight away that he liked her, as a person. I have never seen him warming to someone so quickly before and he was full of chat with her, which is really out of character for him. It was so great to see him coming out of himself though, as he is really sound.

When my parents got back, I spoke to my mother and she was telling me that my brother was really singing my girlfriend's praises and he was saying how much he thought of her and what a nice person she is. I've never heard my brother say anything like that about anyone. He is just not that type of person.

The next time I brought my girlfriend home, we went to my brother's house for a few drinks. Straight away, I saw a different side to my brother when he was interacting with my girlfriend. He was chattier, happier, smilier than he'd ever usually be (especially around new people) and it was great to see him coming out of his skin so much, as he is good craic when he leaves his guard down.

I should point out that there was no inappropriate or over the top behaviour from him or anything like that. It was just obvious that he really likes her.

Last night, I dropped my sister home after she had been out and I mentioned to her that I thought my brother might like my girlfriend. My sister told me she thought the same thing, after he gave an unusually enthusiastic answer when my sister asked him what my gf was like. She felt this because he had mentioned how nice my girlfriend is on numerous occasions and she thought this was really out of character of him too.

The problem is, that I feel bad for my brother because he has been down in himself lately and I feel bad for him if he really likes my girlfriend, and i'm keeping him from her. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but I hate seeing a family member down

I'm so sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice on how I could bring this up with my brother? Or should I say nothing at all? Any advice at all will be appreciated. I don't think I am imagining the situation, since my sister said the same as I was thinking.

This is eating me up inside and I hope I have articulated the situation in a coherent way.

AnonMouse

Thanks for the reply and the advice; hugely appreciated

They both mean a lot to me, in very different ways, obviously! I mentioned it to my girlfriend already and she assured me that I was the one she wanted to be with, so I can't help my brother with his feelings for her, if he does indeed have them (which appears obvious he does!)

I have never had feelings for anyone like I have for my girlfriend, so don't want to end it with her. I'd be devastated.

Funny that you mentioned about sussing out some of my girlfriend's friends. My gf mentioned this before as she has a friend that he thinks would really like my brother and vice versa. Maybe we could introduce them.

I guess i'll give it time and see what happens. It has helped just writing these last 2 posts. My head is a lot less wrecked.

Thanks again for the advice

DoozerT6

OP, do you have any inkling that your girlfriend may feel the same way about your brother?? If she does, would be prepared to stand aside and watch the two of them embark on a relationship?? If not, are you (and your girlfriend) prepared to keep your brother at arms length, so to speak, until he either finds someone for himself or buries his (possible) feelings for your gf and pretends that all is normal?? Either way, there has to be a loser in the situation. You, your brother, or your partner, as she is the piggy in the middle here.

I have to say, I feel sorry for your brother if he has feelings for your girlfriend. I've been in the situation where, as a card-carrying perma-singleton, one night I met someone whom I felt an instant attraction to (and the feeling was mutual). We found each other attractive, got on well, and were drawn to each other. We just clicked. Only thing was, he had (still has) a long-term partner and a child. He wasn't available, and it killed me to know that I had finally, FINALLY met someone who seemed to like me as much as I liked them - and it could never be. Believe me, I bet your brother (if he indeed has feelings for your girlfriend) knows full well that he can't 'have' her, and just enjoys his interactions with her as a way to feel things he probably wishes he could feel for a girlfriend of his own.

That being said, it might be no harm just to limit the amount of time ye both spend with him for a few months - there's no point rubbing salt in a wound. This is for his benefit as much as yours. Maybe in the New Year encourage him to join a couple of groups, even try internet dating, something to get him meeting new people.

Has your girlfriend mentioned anything about your brother's behaviour towards her? She may have noticed but doesn't want to say anything. You could just mention your brother in general conversation and then nudge her with your elbow and say 'I think X has a little crush on you' in a jokey way and gauge her reaction. It may be the catalyst to a genuine conversation about the situation and how ye both should handle it without upsetting your brother, whom of course you don't want to get hurt in this situation. As mentioned above, does your girlfriend have any single friends that might be a good match for your brother??

Edit: you got in before me, OP

fungun

Ummm, you are talking about this as if your girlfriend has no say in the matter. You are not keeping your brother from happiness, just because he has got to know and likes your gf; she has chosen you as her boyfriend.
In fact if I were her I would be a bit pissed off that you were thinking like this, makes her sound like property you could 'pass on' to your brother or something; relationships are not like that.

So advice? Id do nothing about this. Like the fact that your brother likes your gf, but be aware that he may like her a little too much and be respectful to both parties about it.

Blisterman

Personally, I wouldn't do anything. It's possibly just a crush that will pass with time.

Either way, it doesn't sound like your brother's doing anything wrong here. He can't control how he feels about someone. As long as he respects your relationship and doesn't act inappropriately, then there's nothing really you can do about it.

AnonMouse

Humble apologies if I sounded disrespectful towards my girlfriend. That was the very least of my intentions. I'm finding it hard to see where I spoke of her in such poor terms. I've actually shown her the thread and she was surprised at how much this whole thing is effecting me. She was also chuffed with how highly I spoke of her. I guess it is all about perception, so again, apologies if I sounded like I was disrespectful towards my other half.

@Blisterman - you're right, my brother definitely hasn't done anything wrong. I never for a second thought he did. Thanks for your words; you hit the nail on the head regarding what can be done about the situation.

Merry Christmas one and all

Typer Monkey

I think you're creating a big deal out of this unnecessarily OP. You've decided that your brother is in love with your girlfriend to the extent that her ocassional presence in his life will lead to a depression, all without discussing it with him. You cannot 'save' your brother from life's frustrations, disappointments, could have beens etc, nor should you need to no matter his personality or mental health status.

Maybe he does really like her or is attracted to her but to be thinking that you should finish with her to 'save' him from his feelings is a bit ridiculous OP. It's babying him and doing him a disservice. If he's the person you've described here he'd probably be horrified that you were considering sabotaging your (and her!) happiness in some misguided mercy mission.

Your girlfriend sounds lovely. Just enjoy your relationship and stop building this into a big issue, as it's an issue that mostly exits in your head

AnonMouse

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I think you're creating a big deal out of this unnecessarily OP. You've decided that your brother is in love with your girlfriend to the extent that her ocassional presence in his life will lead to a depression, all without discussing it with him. You cannot 'save' your brother from life's frustrations, disappointments, could have beens etc, nor should you need to no matter his personality or mental health status.

Maybe he does really like her or is attracted to her but to be thinking that you should finish with her to 'save' him from his feelings is a bit ridiculous OP. It's babying him and doing him a disservice. If he's the person you've described here he'd probably be horrified that you were considering sabotaging your (and her!) happiness in some misguided mercy mission.

Your girlfriend sounds lovely. Just enjoy your relationship and stop building this into a big issue, as it's an issue that mostly exits in your head

Ha ha that is just what I needed to read. I've been thinking about the whole thing since I wrote the opening post this morning, and I have realised that I am just wrecking my own head with a non issue:) You're right and I was just over thinking it in my head and making it a bigger issue than it is. My mind works in mysterious ways and I am definitely guilty of irrational thinking!!!!

Perhaps the mods can lock the thread now.

Thanks so much to you all for putting my frazzled mind at ease