"You're so quiet"

LegacyUser

I have been in a social group with a couple of years and I thought I was getting on OK. I have always been known as not being very talkative. I am just not a good conversationalist, I get stuck for things to say and I hate it to be honest.
A few weeks ago I was out with these people and I made a joke to a girl and she laughed. Then she said "Oh John (not my real name), sometimes you say something so funny and you're always so quiet". I was fuming because if there is one thing you can say that will really annoy me it's telling me that I'm quiet. I said "I HATE when people say that".
The girl was all apologetic then and said "Oh sorry I didn't mean to offend you". I said "It's OK I'm only messing with you" but privately I was really annoyed.
It's just that somebody would be that ignorant because common sense would tell most people that a quiet person doesn't like to have it said to them that they are quiet.
Anyway since then I don't socialise with that group of people anymore because now the perception is there that I am quiet when I have tried so hard to get away from that.
Maybe I am silly to take such a drastic step but I was upset about it. I'd rather not be there than known as the person who doesn't talk much.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you're being silly. You are quiet. You acknowledge you're quiet. This girl was actually paying you a compliment by telling you, that even though you're very quiet, you actually have a good sense of humour. She could even mean, that there's no need for you to be so shy all the time. OK, so you hate when people comment that you are quiet - but people aren't to know that, and aren't saying it to offend you.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, to be honest. You have become part of this group (so what if you're known as the quiet one) the group seem to like you, as you say, you felt like you were getting on OK. So now to remove yourself from the group - just because people think of you as "the quiet one", when you admit yourself that you are the quiet one seems silly. An innocent comment, not meant to offend shouldn't turn you off a group that you enjoyed.

Would you rather be known as "the mouthy one"??!

Merkin

But you are quiet, you've said so yourself. She was passing you a nice compliment by telling you you're funny despite not being overly talkative. You are totally overreacting.

--LOS--

OP I hate this too but I don't think it's as offensive as saying you're shy because shy and quiet are not the same things. I do think your reaction was a bit unnecessary, you are the quiet one whether it was verbally pointed out to you or not, I'm sure you weren't exactly hiding the fact that you were quiet so you being quiet is nothing new to your friends. But they were still your friends, they clearly accepted you or you wouldn't be friends for years, I don't see why you would ditch them now.

December2012

So she complements you and isn't trying to offend you, but you refuse to be friends any more, even though you know you're quiet?

Where's your logic here?

You are quiet.
She says it.
She apologises when you passive aggressively give out.
You pretend it doesn't matter.
You cut them off.

The problem is with you. I think you're being unfriendly.

If this situation has struck a nerve with you then you could go talk to a professional about your quietness.

Czarcasm

Well OP at least you've achieved one thing -

You won't be known as the quiet one any more, you'll now be known as the snappy immature one. A girl pays you a compliment and you can only see the negative in it because of what you see as a negative in yourself.

I'm quiet, and I'm shy, and I'm reserved and introverted. I don't take compliments well and my friends have pointed this out to me on numerous occasions. Instead of snapping their heads off I'll just smile and keep my irritation to myself because I'll know they meant it as a compliment and not as a criticism.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Well OP at least you've achieved one thing -

You won't be known as the quiet one any more, you'll now be known as the snappy immature one. A girl pays you a compliment and you can only see the negative in it because of what you see as a negative in yourself.

I'm quiet, and I'm shy, and I'm reserved and introverted. I don't take compliments well and my friends have pointed this out to me on numerous occasions. Instead of snapping their heads off I'll just smile and keep my irritation to myself because I'll know they meant it as a compliment and not as a criticism.

But it IS a negative in a person isn't it? People are more inclined to want to be around talkative, chatty people than quiet people?
It's just that I have tried to work on my social skills and to be more talkative and when something like that happened it was a body blow and really discouraging to me personally.

Pretzill

You are funny that's actually what she said but added and quiet - I think other commentators are being harsh I do understand what it was like to be called quiet when it stung...it doesn't anymore because I learned to relax and be myself in company I got used to - give this group another go, get to know them better. It seems to me this lady in particular was interested in your personality. Btw we all like to be quiet sometimes!

Adamantium

My experience and this is a compliment by the way, is that quiet people have a lot to say (maybe the most of all) but would rather not say it. You may (i'm assuming) have the most interesting personality of them all, you should leverage that, the girl finds you interesting and wants to see more of that.


I used to get the same line word for word "Then she said "Oh John (not my real name), sometimes you say something so funny and you're always so quiet""

Being quiet is not a bad trait to have, but by the way you replied, You may have more to say than you think.


This line all the time, I almost was brainwashed into believing I was quiet as a teenager.Deep down in my lonlier,weaker, truly honest moments I knew I wasn't, and hearing this line about "being quiet", the fact that you got annoyed suggests you see yourself as a more gregarious person in your head, but in reality that's not being reflected to others, that was not what other people have seen and you don't know how to become that.

You have to ask the question "If I'm not quiet, then what am I?"

Don't be what you think you have to be.

Personally I found being quiet absolutely stiffling and that was not who I was.

Do some soul searching. Just some thoughts.

Your mileage may vary.


ALSO as a side note that Turn of phrase "Snapping the head off" is one of the most irritating, view altering, non objective, non helpful, overly emotional phrases known to man and is way overused, everytime someone gets puts in their place and is told something honest. Stop it.

Little Italy

Some of you lot need a serious word with yourselves. A rude person with a lack of social awareness basically insults someone for being quiet, he finds it offensive, as you would (no?) and he gets castigated on a Internet forum, by a bunch of faceless strangers, no less. Way to boost the lads moral.

Soft Falling Rain

December2012 wrote: »

So she complements you and isn't trying to offend you, but you refuse to be friends any more, even though you know you're quiet?

Where's your logic here?

You are quiet.
She says it.
She apologises when you passive aggressively give out.
You pretend it doesn't matter.
You cut them off.

The problem is with you. I think you're being unfriendly.

If this situation has struck a nerve with you then you could go talk to a professional about your quietness.

Talk to a professional? Really?

OP I do think you're over reacting. There's nothing wrong with being quiet btw, if being quiet makes someone else uncomfortable then that's their problem tbh.

JD1990

Now I don't mean to be drastic, but I think you should talk to a professional about your problem. What everyone else here is saying is true. But I know that this is a case of extreme insecurity & you should talk to a college counsellor about it or whoever you can (not really Boards to be honest).

While it sounds like something so minimal to the rest of us here, it doesn't seem to bare well with you at all, so definitely talk to someone about it properly. Don't feel like an idiot about having to talk to anyone about it, because quite a lot of people go for things that seem so meaningless & small, but can really help you out. Trust me on this one. You've taken a very big step that the normal person would think is way too far, so there is some deep seated issue in there.

Littlelulu13

OP in a way I know how you feel!

People used to always tell me to smile. I could be walking ALONE and people would walk up to me and tell me to smile because it might never happen etc. I could be having a conversation and I would be told to smile. I could be sitting by myself for a few mins on a night out really enjoying myself, taking it all in and I would be told to smile. This even came from my closest friends and it became a bit of a joke amongst them.


It really hurt me because I wasn't going around with a frown, my lip hanging out in a sulk or anything like that. I would just have a normal unforced expression. If I looked in the mirror I didn't see a sad face! If I looked around everyone would have their own normal expression yet I would be told to smile????

Its not that I never smiled!! The thing is I could be bursting laughing, having great craic for ages then it would stop and everyone would return to a normal expression and I would have someone yell SMILE in my face!! Wtf!!

So for a long time I didn't react but I got so sick of it that in the end i started to snap at whoever said it. I would point out other people that were not smiling. Then I would tell them that if I was smiling 24/7 that I would then be considered a weirdo.

Anyway... So I understand how it can lead to snapping but I wouldn't cut the group out. I personally don't see anything wrong with being quiet. Its better than being loud! I really don't think she meant anything bad by it or to offend. I think if you distance yourself from the group it will probably just add weight to the idea that you are quiet!

Wasn't there a thread here a while ago about a girl that was told she was too quiet so she did something about it and changed. Then she was told she was too loud!! People really can't win!

You don't need to talk to anyone OP. You don't have deep issues. The rest of us don't see anything wrong with being told we're quiet because nobody says it us regularly. I'm sure people won't see the big deal over being told to smile either.

Rezident

Why do you think there's something wrong with being quiet? There's over seven billion people in the world, you know we're not all the same right? Lots of us quiet people are very happy with it. Know thyself.

If you really want to change your behaviour in this regard and become better at being talkative in social situations you have to want to be good at it, then as you practice, like with most things you will get better at it. You said:

I have always been known as not being very talkative. I am just not a good conversationalist, I get stuck for things to say and I hate it to be honest.

You are making it very hard for yourself to become good at something by hating it. If you want to get good at something you need to like it for starters. Ultimately if you want to become great at something you need to be passionate about it.

macplato

peter_73 wrote: »

But it IS a negative in a person isn't it? People are more inclined to want to be around talkative, chatty people than quiet people?
It's just that I have tried to work on my social skills and to be more talkative and when something like that happened it was a body blow and really discouraging to me personally.

No it isn't, it really isn't. Before I go any further I'd like to recommend two books and a video to you:

1. Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking by Susan Cain
2. The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron
3. TED talk by Susan Cain: The power of introverts

I am a quiet one, too. And I love it about myself. When somebody tells me: "You are so quiet" I smile and say "Yep, I am". If I'm asked why I am quiet, I tell them the truth: "I just prefer thinking to talking". Like Rezident pointed out, there are many of us, who are very happy with being quiet, for whom the statement "You are so quiet" is emotionally neutral - it's a statement of fact. Equally, there are many of us, who are loved and desired for being quiet, not in spite of it.

You admitted that you are indeed quiet, so if hearing it is a source of so much distress for you, it means that you have some very negative associations with this statement, and you would benefit from some self examination. You call a girl, who sees you as you are and feeds it back to you: ignorant? I know it may sound harsh, but she is not the ignorant one here.

You say that people prefer to be around talkative, chatty people... Who are the "people" you are referring to? We are all different, you know? Some people prefer it, some don't. Personally, I have a pretty low tolerance for talkative people, I will take a quiet one over a chatty one - almost every time. Instead of trying to force yourself to be something that you are not, you need to figure out what are all the great things about being quiet, and surround yourself with people, who appreciate and enjoy these things.

A few years ago, I worked with a guy, who was very, very quiet, more than anyone I've ever met. He was there, we knew his work ethic, but we didn't know him as a person, at all. One day, a girl at work was relating a conversation she had with that quiet guy the day before, and what she said about him change my perspective on how "quiet" is often perceived. She said: "He doesn't say much, but when he opens his mouth, everyone listens".

You can be bitter and resentful over being quiet, or you can do some inner work, educate yourself about who you are and what your strengths are, and get to be respected for it. This is actually a matter of choice.

KnocKnocKnock

I agree with the poster who recommended Quiet by Susan Cain, it really changed my perspective on things.

Yes unfortunately, we are raised in a culture that praises extroversion more than introversion. People can associate certain traits with quietness for example "he's quiet so he must not be confident". I think you reacted like that because from a young age quiet/introverted people are constantly told (subtly and not so subtly) that there's something wrong with them. From a young age, they're encouraged to be different.

Parents, teachers, peers, media encourage you to be more extrovert. People say things like "he's quiet but nice" as if the two are mutually exclusive and in tv/film, there's often an image of the introverted one being a creepy loner who goes onto commit mass murder. While the extrovert, impulsive people are conveyed as the leaders and heroes.

But there's nothing wrong with being quiet. The world needs introverts as much as extroverts (can you imagine how annoying life would be if everyone was extrovert, everyone had a similar personality).

Just because you're quiet doesn't necessarily mean you're antisocial or not confident. It doesn't mean you can't be a leader, or do public speaking or anything else which would normally be associated with extrovert types (in fact in some situations, introverts are better leaders.) If you've nothing to say, that's fine. Don't feel the need to say something just for the sake of talking. You don't need to try and "come across" as different to these people or anyone else. You have different strengths, there's nothing wrong with you.

LegacyUser

Someone suggested speaking to a counsellor. I have actually done that already (a few years ago). She just said "We can't all be a talkative, gregarious person" and said that I was comparing myself with the person who talks most and not somebody who is somewhere in the middle ground.
True I suppose but the comment from that girl really stung.

LegacyUser

Littlelulu13 wrote: »

OP in a way I know how you feel!

People used to always tell me to smile. I could be walking ALONE and people would walk up to me and tell me to smile because it might never happen etc. I could be having a conversation and I would be told to smile. I could be sitting by myself for a few mins on a night out really enjoying myself, taking it all in and I would be told to smile. This even came from my closest friends and it became a bit of a joke amongst them.


It really hurt me because I wasn't going around with a frown, my lip hanging out in a sulk or anything like that. I would just have a normal unforced expression. If I looked in the mirror I didn't see a sad face! If I looked around everyone would have their own normal expression yet I would be told to smile????

Its not that I never smiled!! The thing is I could be bursting laughing, having great craic for ages then it would stop and everyone would return to a normal expression and I would have someone yell SMILE in my face!! Wtf!!

So for a long time I didn't react but I got so sick of it that in the end i started to snap at whoever said it. I would point out other people that were not smiling. Then I would tell them that if I was smiling 24/7 that I would then be considered a weirdo.

Anyway... So I understand how it can lead to snapping but I wouldn't cut the group out. I personally don't see anything wrong with being quiet. Its better than being loud! I really don't think she meant anything bad by it or to offend. I think if you distance yourself from the group it will probably just add weight to the idea that you are quiet!

Wasn't there a thread here a while ago about a girl that was told she was too quiet so she did something about it and changed. Then she was told she was too loud!! People really can't win!

You don't need to talk to anyone OP. You don't have deep issues. The rest of us don't see anything wrong with being told we're quiet because nobody says it us regularly. I'm sure people won't see the big deal over being told to smile either.

That used to happen me aswell...I was constantly being told to smile even though I would have been perfectly happy at the time, I could never understand it at all. Used to bug the sh*te out of me until I though why should I leave it bug me. I'm perfectly happy with who I am and if all some other morons had to say to me was "smile, it might never happen" then thats their problem. If they didn't want to actually have a proper conversation with me and discover that I wasn't the sour b*tch they, for some strange reason actually thought I was then it was their loss.

To the OP, I think you need to be happy in yourself. So what if you're quiet? Thats your personality. However, If you think it's that much of a problem, then change it, the power is in your hands. You don't mention your age either - if you are young, sometimes confidence comes with age as you get a little more surer of yourself and happier in your skin, I know it did me.

FunLover18

If it annoys you when people say how quiet you are, when you are quiet most of the time, maybe try and speak up more often. I agree with most posters here when they say that this girl was paying you a compliment and you bit her head off needlessly, and now you've stopped hanging out with them. I think you need to grow up a little, maybe you're more annoyed at yourself. If you were content with being the quiet one, my guess is you probably wouldn't be so tetchy when people point it out, use it as a conversation starter.

LegacyUser

I think that you really behaved quite badly - it sounds like you took your own issues out on this girl, for making a very innocent comment, which (to me) she probably meant nicely.

I've no idea how quiet you are - a bit quiet, noticeably quieter than everyone in the group, or that you don't engage with people at all. I'm fairly quiet in front of strangers, so I do have some idea of your situation. I really feel that you have been very rude to someone in your social group though, and that you've turned it from something that could be laughed off/dismissed, into a far bigger deal by you disconnecting with them.

From your own point of view, I can't see how disconnecting with this group will improve your life. Do you have other social outlets? Or similarly minded friends? Just take care that you don't isolate yourself - it won't improve the perception of you being quiet, and having less people that you engage with does not sound like something that would be good for you at all.

I think you should try to re-establish yourself with your group, and make a heartfelt apology to the girl in question. Tell her that she just hit a bit of a nerve, and apologise for over-reacting and snapping at her.

P. Breathnach

peter_73 wrote: »

Someone suggested speaking to a counsellor. I have actually done that already (a few years ago). She just said "We can't all be a talkative, gregarious person" and said that I was comparing myself with the person who talks most and not somebody who is somewhere in the middle ground.
True I suppose but the comment from that girl really stung.

I'm among those who think there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with being quiet. I could name a lot of people that I would wish, for their sake even more than mine, would keep their mouths shut more often.

Remarking that you are quiet should be no more remarkable that saying that your eyes are a certain colour or that you are wearing a jacket that a person hasn't seen before. It's a fairly neutral observation.

The fact that it stung is down to you. You seem to feel that there is something wrong in being (apparently with justification) perceived as quiet. There isn't, and you have to convince yourself of that. Not merely at the surface level, but you need to internalise that belief.

Big Bag of Chips

peter_73 wrote: »

But it IS a negative in a person isn't it?

Says who?

peter_73 wrote: »

People are more inclined to want to be around talkative, chatty people than quiet people?

Says who?!

I have one particular friend who is very quiet. And he actually is very very funny, too, now that I think about it! I love spending time with him. There is no "show" with him, and being with him actually makes me relax too!

Being "the quiet one" isn't a negative thing. The group you are in, and were accepted into, obviously didn't think it was a negative thing. You are the only one who seems to think it's a negative.

December2012

I was the one who suggested talking to a professional. Not to "cure" your quietness. There's nothing wrong with being quiet in my opinion.

But you seem to not like that aspect of yourself, and it was for that reason that I suggested you might want to go talk to somebody.

fillefatale

Being quiet isn't a negative, unless its disguising slyness or something like that. Being quiet is the equivalent of being boring. Someone has already recommended Susan Cain and I second that, I've accepted that I'm an introvert, I've embraced it. I don't have much to say when being introduced to new acquaintances, but how they would interpret quietness as being a negative, well, thats their own prerogative. I'd rather have 'quiet' friends I can have meaningful conversations with, than hang out with an extroverted individual who talks a load of sh*te most of the time and is amusing on a night out. She meant it as a compliment and I think if you rethink the positives of being the quiet one, you'll see it how she meant it too.

LegacyUser

I don't want this thread to go off the point but what I will say is that it's a nice idea to think that people will like you more if you are quiet and introspective but sadly that ain't the truth. I see very little evidence of it.

Someone else said I should talk more. I would if I could think of something to say. I usually run out of things to say after 10 minutes.
It's just that the perception of being quiet is so offensive to me that I don't want to be with people if that is what they think of me. I'd rather not experience the humiliation. So the simplest solution is to not expose myself to it in the first place.
I don't know if I will go back to that group, I feel totally disheartened with socialising now to be honest.
I have friends, I could do lots of social activities if I wanted. But now I've got this thing in my head "Erra, I'm boring, it's probably not fair to inflict myself on people". They don't really want me, they are only being polite when they talsk to me.
I'm not sulking, I have just kind of have accepted I am not a good mixer even though I have made a serious effort to change over the years (I am 30). I'm not saying I won't ever socialise again, I might read that book first before I do.

December2012

It's a cliche but people like being around people who are happy in themselves. If you're quiet, then own it. Be quiet and make your peace with it.

But in the instance you described your problem was rudeness not quietness and there is a huge difference.

Big Bag of Chips

peter_73 wrote: »

I don't want this thread to go off the point but what I will say is that it's a nice idea to think that people will like you more if you are quiet

I don't think anybody said anything about people will like you "more" if you're quiet, but people can still like you if you are quiet. There is a difference. The problem here is you don't like you because you are quiet. That doesn't automatically mean other people don't like you.

This is from your first post...

I have been in a social group with a couple of years and I thought I was getting on OK.

You have been a member of this group for the past couple of years and felt you were getting on ok. And now because of one comment, that most people here have interpreted as definitely not meant to offend you, you have decided that nobody likes you and you are not going to go back to the group.

FunLover18

peter_73 wrote: »

I don't want this thread to go off the point but what I will say is that it's a nice idea to think that people will like you more if you are quiet and introspective but sadly that ain't the truth. I see very little evidence of it.

Someone else said I should talk more. I would if I could think of something to say. I usually run out of things to say after 10 minutes.
It's just that the perception of being quiet is so offensive to me that I don't want to be with people if that is what they think of me. I'd rather not experience the humiliation. So the simplest solution is to not expose myself to it in the first place.
I don't know if I will go back to that group, I feel totally disheartened with socialising now to be honest.
I have friends, I could do lots of social activities if I wanted. But now I've got this thing in my head "Erra, I'm boring, it's probably not fair to inflict myself on people". They don't really want me, they are only being polite when they talsk to me.
I'm not sulking, I have just kind of have accepted I am not a good mixer even though I have made a serious effort to change over the years (I am 30). I'm not saying I won't ever socialise again, I might read that book first before I do.

There's no perception that you are quiet, it's the case that you are quiet! Therefore people are going to think that of you. How would you like them to think of you?

Since when does "quiet but funny" = boring? If they thought you were boring, you wouldn't have been part of that social group for so long, and now you're going to turn your back on them? Seriously!?

freshpopcorn

If somebody is quiet that the way they are. You could also be loud/bossy/stubborn/funny/etc. Its a describing word.(IMO)
When I was younger I used be quiet at social events/school/etc and make the odd funny comment. When I did I was told by so many people that I was quiet and I can really make people laugh. I think they were just trying to tell me if I wanted to speak up more that I could and their was no problem with it.

dd972

It can be frustrating being an Introvert that everyone misreads as 'timid', 'quiet', 'shy', 'miserable', etc, etc.

Shy people look on from the sidelines beating themselves up and wishing they were extroverts. Introverts like me have their families and friends and can't be arsed beyond that.

I can talk and talk for hours on end with like minded people about Football, Politics, Overseas Travel, Languages, Sex, Death, Philosophy, Economics, Art, Religion, History, etc, etc

But as regards the puerile, superficial, claptrap that most Extroverts pass off as conversation, I'm more than happy to be 'mute'.

LegacyUser

I don't mean to be harsh, but you get out as much as you put in. I've been 'friends' with someone for 20 years, and I know F all about her. I'd know as much if she were a casual wrk acquaintance. As a result, I don't tell her much at all. It has to be give & take.

LegacyUser

peter_73 wrote: »

I don't want this thread to go off the point but what I will say is that it's a nice idea to think that people will like you more if you are quiet and introspective but sadly that ain't the truth. I see very little evidence of it.

Someone else said I should talk more. I would if I could think of something to say. I usually run out of things to say after 10 minutes.
It's just that the perception of being quiet is so offensive to me that I don't want to be with people if that is what they think of me. I'd rather not experience the humiliation. So the simplest solution is to not expose myself to it in the first place.
I don't know if I will go back to that group, I feel totally disheartened with socialising now to be honest.
I have friends, I could do lots of social activities if I wanted. But now I've got this thing in my head "Erra, I'm boring, it's probably not fair to inflict myself on people". They don't really want me, they are only being polite when they talsk to me.
I'm not sulking, I have just kind of have accepted I am not a good mixer even though I have made a serious effort to change over the years (I am 30). I'm not saying I won't ever socialise again, I might read that book first before I do.

This might not be relevant to you, but I thought it worth saying: I was friends with someone for ages, but when I realised how little she would put into the friendship, I was outta there. Her 'quietness' wasn't the problem - her non involvement was. Like any relationship, it has to be give & take. Very hard to trust someone who hears everything, but offers nothing. Maybe this isn't your issue at all, but perhaps it may be relevant.

stickybookmark

OP you mentioned you're 30, as we get older it becomes more difficult to find social groups and friends. I think it is great that you have this social group to hang around with, there's plenty that don't have that and would only love to have a group of guys &girls to hang around with. I would say don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Although you say you'd rather be alone than with people who think you're quiet, I doubt that is really true in the longterm once you cool down and put that girl's comment in perspective. No man is an island, it's nice to have a few mates to do stuff with. You are as worthy and as deserving to be a part of that group and of soceity as any of the rest of them! Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are :-)

ViveLaVie

dd972 wrote: »

I can talk and talk for hours on end with like minded people about Football, Politics, Overseas Travel, Languages, Sex, Death, Philosophy, Economics, Art, Religion, History, etc, etc

But as regards the puerile, superficial, claptrap that most Extroverts pass off as conversation, I'm more than happy to be 'mute'.

Not all extroverts talk only about 'puerile claptrap'.