Housemate having his girlfriend over

LegacyUser

I'd like to ask your perspective on an issue I'm facing at the moment. I'm subletting a room in a 2-bedroom apartment. My housemate moved in a bit over a month ago. When he came for a viewing, he said that his girlfriend would be coming for Christmas, for a week, and asked if she could stay over if he got the room.

I told him that a week was very long, that 3-4 days I would have no problem with, but a week I'd have to seriously think about. I was very clear, that I didn't like the idea. He said that if I wasn't fine with it, he would look for a b&b for the time she couldn't stay in the apartment, and he offered to pay extra if I agreed for her to stay. I said that I'd think about it, and that we would talk about it after he'd have moved in. He never approached me about it again, and so (naively) I thought he sorted out a b&b.

Yesterday, he asked me if I remembered that he told me about his girlfriend coming over for Christmas, again confirmed that she was coming for a week, arriving on the 24th of December, and started begging me to let her stay, because he called all the b&bs and couldn't find a room for her.

I was really surprised by how late he was approaching me about it, and how he was begging me to let her stay, and I told him that ok, she can stay, but I asked him to make sure to respect my space. I asked if they were planning to stay in or be out and about most of the time. He said that the only days they would be in are: the 24th, 25th and the 31st and 1st of January, and they would go for walks on the remaining days. When I realised (after we spoke), that this meant she would be here for at least 9 or 10 days (I'm not sure when she is going back to Italy) I got realy annoyed.

Now, I think I need to mention that I'll be going in to a hospital soon for a serious surgery. It takes all that I have to keep myself strong, focused and sane... There are days when I feel quite unwell, and I particularly need my quiet space then. My housemate knows this, and I never needed for him to make any adjustments to suit me, he is fine as a housemate. Anyway, this also means that I'm in the apartment almost all the time, and surprisingly, so is he. Since he moved in, he only worked full time in the first week, and in the last 4 weeks he worked maybe 5 evenings. He is currently looking for a job (before he moved in, he said he worked full time).

I'm going to speak to him about this again tomorrow. What I want to tell him is that 9-10 days is way too long, and that it's not quite true that there are no rooms in b&b's left (I checked). I'm fine with her staying 4-5 days, but not longer. I'm feeling a bit bad about this, especially after agreeing that she stays for a week, but at the same time, I don't want to sacrifice my comfort to sponsor this girl's holidays. I don't know. What do you all think? Is it generally acceptable for people to have guests over for this long? (I always go by the 3-4 days rule...) Am I being unreasonable?

Big thanks to anyone who feels like sharing their perspective on this.

Lux23

I can see where your coming from but would it really be so bad to let the girl stay? He probably doesn't get to see her that often and Christmas is a time when we want to be with our loved ones. It's only going to be a couple of weeks at most and you can maybe ask that they spend a good bit of time in his room.

If it's really that bad then maybe you're not suited to sharing?

wallycharlo

See your point OP, this guy is blatantly trying to deceive you. May not bode well for the future.

Merkin

I think he is taking the p1ss, especially when it wasn't agreed.

I'd let her stay but on the proviso they stay in his room and don't monopolise communal areas and that he pays extra rent to cover utilities for the duration of be stay.

Are you sure he's actually booked a flight home for her? I'd be concerned that its gone from a week to ten days. What next, a month?

macplato

Thanks a mill Lux23, wallycharlo & Merkin for taking the time to reply, I'm the original poster.

We just had the chat. It turns out that it's not a week, not 9 days, but 11 days - she is supposed to be going back to Italy on the 3rd of January. It's so annoying that he was trying to "sell" the 11 days to me as "a week".

Agh, I feel so bad about this, because on one hand I completely relate to what you said, Lux23, and I wish he could enjoy his girlfriend as long as he wanted to, but I need to look after myself here as well. You mentioned that perhaps I'm not suited to sharing, and this well may be true, but the issue still needs to be resolved in a way that suits both of us, regardless of weather that's the case or not.

Thanks for sharing your perspective wallycharlo, I wasn't suspecting him of trying to deceive me until the conversation we just had. We were both polite and nice to each other, but the way he was trying to implicate that the problem was my fault (he said I should have said it to him after he moved in, without him having to ask, if I had a problem with her staying for a week. A week which turned into 11 days without him ever mentioning it...), and he was clearly putting emotional pressure on me, which with my care-taking tendencies was really hard to withstand

I made a few suggestions to him: that she could stay the first and last 3 days, so they can have Christmas and New Years together, and the remaining 5 days she could stay in a b&b; I suggested that maybe they could go away to see a bit of Ireland for those 5 days and he kept shaking his had and saying "this won't work, this won't work". Then he said she could stay in a b&b for 2 days, would that help? I can't see how this would make much of a difference though...

Your suggestions are great, Merkin, thank you. I don't really care for the money that much, it's a non-issue for me really, it's the noise and space, that I keep thinking of. He already told me that they will have a traditional Italian Christmas, with loads of cooking and eating, so I wouldn't want to restrict their access to the communal areas - this means that I will have to spend most of the time in my room if I want to be left alone, and there mightn't be much space in the kitchen for me to do my own cooking. Which is grand if it's just for a few days, but putting up with it for a week and a half, while being scared and stressed out because of my coming surgery, feels quite unbearable...

I told him all this, and he just kept saying "there is no solution, there is no solution" and "please, please, please, I'm begging you", waiting for me to relent. He acted like the only solution was for me to change my mind, and he seemed to expect it, which I didn't like one bit. I asked him if we could both think about it some more, and talk again in a few hours.

I want them to have a great time together, just as much as I want to have my space so I can rest and prepare for my surgery. I just need to figure out how to make this happen... I wish I could just tell him what I told him, that she can stay the first and last 3 days (6 days in total) and let him sort out the "hows"... Would that be mean of me?

One last thing I could think of would be for her to stay the 11 days, as long as they are out during the day, cook in the mornings and in the evenings only (except for Christmas), and be quiet after say 11-11:30pm. How would that sound? Oh, I hate that this is such a big deal to me I think Lux23 is right about me not being suited to sharing.

Sorry about the essays Even if nobody reads it, it still help me to get it all out...

CaraMay

You should have sorted this before he moved in. I'm sorry to hear you are unwell but in all fairness that's no his problem and he should not have to tip toe around what is now his home.

Lux23

Are you a renter too or are you the landlord? If it's the latter then you have every right to lay down the law but if it's the former what's to stop him from contacting the landlord about the issue?

Would it be possible for you to spend a couple of days with family or friends of your own? Might be a good idea if you're not well anyway.

macplato

CaraMay wrote: »

You should have sorted this before he moved in. I'm sorry to hear you are unwell but in all fairness that's no his problem and he should not have to tip toe around what is now his home.

I agree, that this should have been done before he moved in, and to a degree it was. I told him that I had a 3-4 day rule for overnight guests (his and mine) and he was fine with it. This is why he suggested that if I wasn't fine with her staying the whole week, she would just stay in a b&b.

I appreciate that it is his home now and I don't expect him to tip toe around me, there is no need for it. I was clear about the 3-4 day rule when he came for the viewing, and he said he didn't have a problem with it. Even today he said that he understood me, because at her girlfriend's house people are only allowed to stay 2-3 days, still he wants me to give in, which I don't think is fair.

CaraMay

macplato wrote: »

I agree, that this should have been done before he moved in, and to a degree it was. I told him that I had a 3-4 day rule for overnight guests (his and mine) and he was fine with it. This is why he suggested that if I wasn't fine with her staying the whole week, she would just stay in a b&b.

I appreciate that it is his home now and I don't expect him to tip toe around me, there is no need for it. I was clear about the 3-4 day rule when he came for the viewing, and he said he didn't have a problem with it. Even today he said that he understood me, because at her girlfriend's house people are only allowed to stay 2-3 days, still he wants me to give in, which I don't think is fair.

Fair enough. Just say no outright then again

macplato

Lux23 wrote: »

Are you a renter too or are you the landlord? If it's the latter then you have every right to lay down the law but if it's the former what's to stop him from contacting the landlord about the issue?

Would it be possible for you to spend a couple of days with family or friends of your own? Might be a good idea if you're not well anyway.

I am the head tenant - the lease is in my name, and he has an agreement with me, so legally if there were any problems, I act as his landlord (this is what I was told by people at the Threshold and I also agreed this with the owner).

For various reasons, staying over at friends' or with family is not an option.

AnonMouse

It is a tricky situation you find yourself in OP. Not to be blunt, but I think you are being a little unfair on him. That's just my opinion though. Live and let live is my motto. I'm not trying to put you down by the way. I appreciate your own position regarding surgery etc, but it is Christmas time and many people cherish their time together at this time of year.

Regardless of what happens, perhaps they could include you in Christmas dinner to help lighten the tension that appears to be present at the moment, between you. The 3 of ye could have a laugh together. Who knows, you might get on great with his girlfriend and you might enjoy having her there.

Whatever happens, I wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope it all works out for you.

macplato

CaraMay wrote: »

Fair enough. Just say no outright then again

Thanks, CaraMay.

macplato

AnonMouse wrote: »

It is a tricky situation you find yourself in OP. Not to be blunt, but I think you are being a little unfair on him. That's just my opinion though. Live and let live is my motto. I'm not trying to put you down by the way. I appreciate your own position regarding surgery etc, but it is Christmas time and many people cherish their time together at this time of year.

Regardless of what happens, perhaps they could include you in Christmas dinner to help lighten the tension that appears to be present at the moment, between you. The 3 of ye could have a laugh together. Who knows, you might get on great with his girlfriend and you might enjoy having her there.

Whatever happens, I wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks, AnonMouse, I will sit with this perspective before I go back to talk to him. It's true, I may end up enjoying her being here, one never knows.

There isn't much tension between us, really. He is annoyed with me and tries to put pressure on me, but that's his problem, not mine. I still think he is a nice person, I still want to find a solution that works for both of us, and I'll do everything I can to achieve this. But I do expect him to meet me half way, and right now, he says he understands me but he kind of expects me to just give in to whatever he wants.

Thanks again, and Happy Christmas to you too.

Matteroffact

He probably can't afford for his g/f to stay in a B & B and also it doesn't look good if he is trying to impress her, (as you do). I just feel you are being a bit overanxious about all of this OP and that you will enjoy the company, being Christmas and all of that. Don't over think this. Let it be your good deed for someone who doesn't have accommodation for Christmas. It will make you feel good in the long run.

zoobizoo

Just remember that she probably knows nothing of this. He's more than likely told her that it's all fine with you. So if she does stay , don't take it out on her.

I'd take him up on his offer of cash though and see what it's worth to him. Maybe he'd find it cheaper in a B&B - I really can't see all the B&Bs in any area being booked out.

If he's willing to pay then he should be willing to head off west for a few days to show her the sites or whatever and give you a break from them.

macplato

Matteroffact wrote: »

He probably can't afford for his g/f to stay in a B & B and also it doesn't look good if he is trying to impress her, (as you do). I just feel you are being a bit overanxious about all of this OP and that you will enjoy the company, being Christmas and all of that. Don't over think this. Let it be your good deed for someone who doesn't have accommodation for Christmas. It will make you feel good in the long run.

I am overly anxious about this, you feel that right And I know that what you wrote in your first sentence may be true, and I have a soft spot for that.

A good deed, you're saying? I like the sound of it. Thank you, Matteroffact.

zoobizoo wrote: »

Just remember that she probably knows nothing of this. He's more than likely told her that it's all fine with you. So if she does stay , don't take it out on her.

I'd take him up on his offer of cash though and see what it's worth to him. Maybe he'd find it cheaper in a B&B - I really can't see all the B&Bs in any area being booked out.

If he's willing to pay then he should be willing to head off west for a few days to show her the sites or whatever and give you a break from them.

Yes, that's a very good point, I realised she might not know anything about it, when I found out that it was him who payed for the tickets, and he would be paying for the b&b. Thanks, zoobizoo.

I know, they definitely should go and see a bit of Ireland, I suggested it to him, but he didn't like the idea... perhaps he really can't afford it, which is a pity


Ok, I've made up my mind. I'll let her stay, and try my best to enjoy it. I'm sure there is a lot to be learned through this experience, and I agree, there is joy in giving. Sure, I have received a lot of help in my life, from people who didn't have to help me.

Could I ask for the thread to be locked now, please? I feel I got loads of balanced, valuable advice and I don't want to confuse myself by reading more. Thank you all so much for your help!

macplato

I will just give you a quick update before the thread gets locked.

I asked him if we could talk. Told him "It's ok, she can stay", and he said "No, no, I have to apologise, I made a mistake and I have to repair it" and we both started laughing

We agreed that she will stay for 8 days and they will both move into a b&b for 3 days to give me a break. I'm so glad we found a solution that feels good to both of us.

On top of that, he just got a job offer!

Is this the magic of Christmas, or what?

Thanks again everyone, I am so grateful for your inspiration and guidance

Big Bag of Chips

Well done, OP. The season of goodwill, and all that! If you go into this feeling positive, it will probably be a positive experience for you all.

Good luck with your surgery in the New Year, too.

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