Family are blanking us!

DjangoMc

Before my mam died, I was pretty close to her side of the family. Was always told family will be there no matter what.
Roll on two years later and most of them have no stopped talking to me and my younger brother. It's all because of my older brother. He stopped talking to us coz I stayed in the house (that's rented) and because I got social welfare for my younger brother. He threatened me with a solicitor in all.
Then when I got engaged, all hell broke lose!
I asked my mam's side of the family for advice and they told me to sort things out, and I tried and tired and tried. So I gave up. Despite all the trying I still invited him and his other half to our wedding and he refused. I told them that was the last olive branch.
He got married 4 months after us and since then, none of the family will talk to us. We weren't invited. Under no circumstances would his other half allow us even near. But my aunty gave out to me for "not turning up after saying yes to going". But yet not a word was said to him for refusing to go to my wedding.
He is going around telling all my mam's side that I stop him from seeing our brother. That I've have said horrible things about him & his now wife and cost him money on his wedding day.
What really annoys me, they know very well he has blanked us since a month after my mam died and yet they side with him.

I don't know weather to keep being the bigger person and keep trying to keep the lines open to them. Or just to move on and be done with them.

What do you all think?
Right now I'm 9 weeks pregnant and I know one cousin and aunty will be annoyed coz that cousin is pregnant (after years of trying) and the way they look at things with me now a days is that I'll be taking away from her being pregnant.

username123

All sounds very dramatic and nonsensical.

Why not just live your life surrounding yourself with people who have a positive effect on you and ignore those who are not nice to you?

This whole business of people saying things and people taking sides - very childish no? Dont get involved, distance yourself from anyone who behaves that way.

My fathers family were very similar. I just cut contact with all of them and was delighted when marriage gave me the opportunity to change my name so I would never have to associate myself with them again. I wouldnt have the time or energy for the kind of noise making drama that they all like to engage in, Im busy working, studying, having a life.

Im sure its the same for you, youve enough to be doing without engaging with toxic family members. Just get on with your own life and leave them to make angry noises to each other.

jjdub1

Your last sentence sums up the type these people are - why would you continue putting up with this nonsense ? They are content to believe whatever your brother tells them regardless, so let them. Life is far too short to put up with this kind of toxicity from anyone.

ElleEm

I agree with Username!

OP, I have read your posts before, and nothing seems to be changing for you, (except for your pregnancy- congrats!). You have tried to repair things with your bro, but it hasn't worked. Your mother's family have, for whatever reason, decided that they no longer want to associate with you. You cannot force this.

You should try to move forward with positive people in your life. You cannot change other people, only yourself. I know it is hard as they are a connection with your mam, but they aren't good for you x

DjangoMc

ElleEm wrote: »

I agree with Username!

OP, I have read your posts before, and nothing seems to be changing for you, (except for your pregnancy- congrats!). You have tried to repair things with your bro, but it hasn't worked. Your mother's family have, for whatever reason, decided that they no longer want to associate with you. You cannot force this.

You should try to move forward with positive people in your life. You cannot change other people, only yourself. I know it is hard as they are a connection with your mam, but they aren't good for you x

This is exactly what stops me. There is no other link, nothing at all. I so wish I could try and keep them there, but your all right need to just let them be.
Just always thought they'd be there, as they always where before. I can do without my brother, that relationship was well screwed before my mam died.
I think I tried to keep the family together for my younger brother but he's 18 now and they treat him terrible for no reason and I hate it. He has done nothing and he lost the most.

Families, whoever said blood is thicker then water, was wrong. I think I just miss what I use to have.

ElleEm

You poor thing.
You clearly took over your mam's role when she died. You are caring for your little brother, and obviously want to keep the family as it was, but unfortunatly that hasn't happened.
Yourself, your husband, your little brother and your little peanut are your new family unit. Try to move forward with that in mind.

The_Conductor

DjangoMc - you've made the effort- now its time to focus on your little family. If your big brother is going to be this petty- its only a matter of time before others see what hes up to.

Take a time out- focus on you- your little family, and your impending arrival- that is all that matters.

Its not nice being blanked- especially when you've done nothing to deserve it. Its time to focus on you- your hubby- and your little brother- the rest of the world can wait.

Congratulations on your impending arrival!

username123

DjangoMc wrote: »

Families, whoever said blood is thicker then water, was wrong. I think I just miss what I use to have.

Blood definitely isnt thicker than water - my family of origin were/are a bunch of crazy alcoholic wasters that Id rather not be associated with!

What you used to have was there through your mum. The fact that it disappeared after she passed just shows that they did not hold you up in the same type of esteem or respect with which you held them. It was an uneven relationship - you believed they had your back, they didnt. Then you tried to keep things the same, but by then they were showing their true colours.

You give them the power to hurt you by caring what they think/do/say.

Stop caring, you take that power away from them. Concentrate on your own little family and be safe in the knowledge that you actually came to recognise the dysfunctional behaviour of your family of origin so that will prevent you from making the mistakes of the past.

Stavro Mueller

Excuse the ridiculous analogy here but I'm thinking of polar bears. I think they're beautiful animals and I'd love to see one up close. But I have no intention of ever doing so because I know the bear would take one look at me and I'd not be heard from again. And even if I did get away with minor injuries, would I be wise to go cuddle one again?

It's the same with your mum's family. You're being torn up by the wish that they'd be the family you want when in reality they're just there to tear you to pieces. They're not the nice people you thought they were. If they were, they'd not have behaved in the way they are. The sooner you make your peace with this and stop inflicting hurt on yourself, the better. You said they're horrible to your younger brother too. Seeing as you're his "mum", it's your duty to protect him. He doesn't need to be hurt by these horrible people either. Nor will your little 'un when he/she is growing up.

Big Bag of Chips

DjangoMc, this is the 3rd/4th thread you've had about this same ongoing issue with family since May. If things haven't changed in that time, they are not going to change.

Your mother's family aren't the only link you have to your mother... You have your brother. And why suffer on with forcing a relationship with people who do nothing but drag you down and make you miserable?

My mother has 1 remaining sibling. She and most of her children just drain me. They live 3 miles away from my mother, about 20 mins away from me, and I never see them. And if my mother were to pass away in the morning, it wouldn't change anything. They are just very negative people. Always something/someone to give out about. Always some sort of drama. Always somebody out to do them wrong.. Sound familiar? Your older brother is obviously very like your mam's side of the family, and that's why they all get along so well. "Misery loves company". Isn't that the saying?

So you either make the decision to step back from them all, and be happier and more relaxed in your own life, or, you keep forcing yourself on them hoping they'll ALL suddenly change and be nice, and hoping that you can be happier and more relaxed in your life.

I know which decision I'd be making.

Edit: by the way, have you read back over your previous threads? Have you taken any advice already given to you on those threads? If not I suggest looking back through them. You need to take some responsibility for your own happiness. There is no sense in doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome. If you want a different outcome, you need to do something different.

They are not going to change.

Ickle Magoo

DjangoMc, this is one of several threads posted in PI over a fairly short period and most carry a common theme.

There comes a point when an issue is ongoing and is not being resolved with the help the posters of PI offer that we have to ask that you seek help in the real world so you can move forward and find some proper,healthy long-term resolution.

I'm going to close this thread and ask that you read over all the advice you've been offered on this forum/site so far. There is an excellent thread in the Psychology Forum on how to go about finding a counsellor, therapist or psychologist for yourself HERE that you may also find useful.

All the very best.