Confused friendship

LegacyUser

I have a very close friendship with a married man, I am also married. He says he loves me as a friend and I am his best friend,we talk all the time.
We met last year in a hotel nothing happened apart from kissing etc we did not have sex. He cut me out of his life completely the next day to save both of our marraiges. We got back in touch he wanted us to meet but cancelled at the last minute.
We would talk occassionaly and he would be the same as always then he would get all weird and snap at me.
We met a month ago and he made a point of saying we are not close anymore, he does not want/fancy me. We are just friends.

Fast forward to sept and we are back in touch closer than ever. We were together last weekend and did have sex,he was to stay the night with me but decided to go home. Im paranoid now that he just used me because he could have stayed and that was the plan.

He says I'm overreacting, am I ?

My head is wrecked because he says I can read him like a book and i can, I don't know what to think now. He said he would meet me to fix this but has put it off he had no time to phone me.
He did phone and text on Sunday but I ignored him.
I feel I should end the friendship now and that was my plan when he refused to stay with me sat night but I really value his friendship but he is slowly losing my respect with his thoughtless actions.

I just need some other opinions please.

Why on earth would you be interested in someone who treats you like that?

And that's apart from breaking up marriages/families.
You deserve better, and most importantly, so do both of your spouses.

Penny Tration

What you have is an affair, not a friendship. Have you considered your husband while you've cheated on him?

CaraMay

You are no longer his friend.

GreeBo

Besides the way he is acting, this is not a good place for either of you to be.

You need to end everything, there is no friendship after this scenario. You also need to seriously consider your marriage and what you want/need to do on that front.

LegacyUser

Candie wrote: »

Why on earth would you be interested in someone who treats you like that?

And that's apart from breaking up marriages/families.
You deserve better, and most importantly, so do both of your spouses.

Treats me like what?
I know you are right about our spouses, we have had an emotional affair for over two yrs.

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

What you have is an affair, not a friendship. Have you considered your husband while you've cheated on him?

I know. Yes I have considered my husband but honestly I do not feel at all guilty. I needed this time with the other man in order to move on but now it does not feel right. We are back at square one with us both saying the other is wrong.

MissFlitworth

That's how an affair works, his primary relationship is with his wife and he will always leave you to be with her or because he feels guilty about what he's done when you are together. If you want to have an affair with someone you have to accept that it works like that and that you will be second fiddle to his partner. You don't mention your husband and that you are anxious to leave and get back to him which makes it sound like you are much more emotionally invested in your 'friendship' than the guy you are having an affair with is and you are possibly going to get horribly burned because of that if you keep it up. If you want to successfully have an affair, ie with one of you not feeling like hell because the other cancels, doesn't call, leaves after you sleep together etc., you both need to be on the same page

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You are no longer his friend.

Can you expand on that, why?

LegacyUser

Yes I know how an affair works,I have met his wife and he met my husband. His marriage is very new and not great, was not great before he hit married,he feels he has made a mistake but for all the wrong reasons he is trying to make it work.
Yes they have good times but are not compatible at all.
I was ready to move on after the weekend and go back to my marriage but his not staying when he knew how much I needed it to move on has got to me.
He knows he has treated me badly and is sorry but I need him to fix this or our friendship is over. He finally admitted he has feelings for me but will not act on them which is fine with me. He is a good bit younger than me.
At this point for me he has to make the effort,I have let him treat me like crap for months and never lost it with him but he is losing my respect.

Mr and mrs confused

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

Yes I know how an affair works,I have met his wife and he met my husband. His marriage is very new and not great, was not great before he hit married,he feels he has made a mistake but for all the wrong reasons he is trying to make it work.
Yes they have good times but are not compatible at all.
I was ready to move on after the weekend and go back to my marriage but his not staying when he knew how much I needed it to move on has got to me.
He knows he has treated me badly and is sorry but I need him to fix this or our friendship is over. He finally admitted he has feelings for me but will not act on them which is fine with me. He is a good bit younger than me.
At this point for me he has to make the effort,I have let him treat me like crap for months and never lost it with him but he is losing my respect.

This is teenage angst stuff. This is not the behaviour of two adults.

He has to take responsibility for his marriage and you for yours. You don't need time (to consummate an affair?) to move on, you need to cop on. He's willing to mess around and have an emotional affair that doesn't seem to involve emotions, and a friendship that isn't very friendly, but he stops short of consummation so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

You don't have a friendship, and you're not having a sexual affair. All you're both having is a distraction.

He says he's trying to make his marriage work so butt out and leave him to it. Just cut all contact. That's what a real 'friend' would do.

Me and mrs confused

Me and mrs confused wrote: »

Treats me like what?
I know you are right about our spouses, we have had an emotional affair for over two yrs.

You admitted in your last post he's treated you like crap.

CaraMay

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

Can you expand on that, why?

Because you are his mistress.

LegacyUser

Candie wrote: »

This is teenage angst stuff. This is not the behaviour of two adults.

He has to take responsibility for his marriage and you for yours. You don't need time (to consummate an affair?) to move on, you need to cop on. He's willing to mess around and have an emotional affair that doesn't seem to involve emotions, and a friendship that isn't very friendly, but he stops short of consummation so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

You don't have a friendship, and you're not having a sexual affair. All you're both having is a distraction.

He says he's trying to make his marriage work so butt out and leave him to it. Just cut all contact. That's what a real 'friend' would do.

I agree we need to take responsibility for our marriages but you are a bit harsh on him,he is friendly and is emotionally attached to me I know that for sure,he did not have to tell me he has feelings for me but he did,this was after sex btw.
My problem is there was no need for him to go home as his wife was away for the night.
I enjoy his friendship, he text me last night to say he loves me as a friend that I am his best friend.

He treated me badly because he panicked when we met, it's exactly one yr later and we have only now had sex,we did try do the right thing.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Because you are his mistress.

Can we not be friends as well?
I'm not his mistress, we will not be sleeping together again. It was a one off because we are emotionally attached and needed it to move on.
This is how I see it anyway.

Meauldsegosha

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I know. Yes I have considered my husband but honestly I do not feel at all guilty. I needed this time with the other man in order to move on but now it does not feel right. We are back at square one with us both saying the other is wrong.

If you don't feel guilty for cheating on your husband then you should seperate. Why did you have to have sex with this other man in order to move on? Did you think he was going to make some big gesture, declare his undying love for you, offer to leave his wife? That hasn't happened now you are feeling like a fool. That's why it doesn't feel right.

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If you don't feel guilty for cheating on your husband then you should seperate. Why did you have to have sex with this other man in order to move. Did you think he was going to make some big gesture, declare his undying love for you, offer to leave his wife? That hasn't happened now you are feeling like a fool. That's why it doesn't feel right.

We have been so close for three yrs,last time we met he wanted sex but I stopped it because he was only just married.
If he leaves his wife it will not be for me and I will not leave my husband for him. If I choose to leave it will be for myself.
I did not expect undying love tbf,I don't feel like a fool either,while I appreciate everyone's opinion don't go putting words in my mouth.

JaneeMack

Just out of curiosity, OP, what do you want out of this relationship/affair with this man? What is it that YOU want?

heretochat

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I know. Yes I have considered my husband but honestly I do not feel at all guilty. I needed this time with the other man in order to move on but now it does not feel right. We are back at square one with us both saying the other is wrong.

This is the part that to me spells the death knell for your relationship with your husband. To me it is bad enough that you have cheated on him essentially for two years (the emotional affair as it has been termed). But the fact that you feel no guilt does you no credit at all..

There is potential for emotional carnage here with both of your spouses undeserving of this treatment.

Typer Monkey

I agree with the above. Your marriage is over if you do not feel any guilt over a two year emotional affair and having sex with a man who isn't your husband. That's despicable behaviour and a calous disregard for your husband and his feelings. You seem to be most upset about the fact that your man didn't stick around for cuddles after your illicit shag. Boo hoo, poor you. You are this mam's distraction and booty call. You are treating your husband appallingly. Cop onto yourself. You're not the one hard done by here

Pippy1976

This is clearly not just a friendship, as you describe in your opening line. It's borderline WAY more than that and you should drop this 'friendship' and be with your husband like you vowed to be.

Stop messing around. This man doesn't want you. Are you willing to jeopardise your marriage for someone like that? Delete his number.

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I have a very close friendship with a married man, I am also married. He says he loves me as a friend and I am his best friend,we talk all the time.
We met last year in a hotel nothing happened apart from kissing etc we did not have sex. He cut me out of his life completely the next day to save both of our marraiges. We got back in touch he wanted us to meet but cancelled at the last minute.
We would talk occassionaly and he would be the same as always then he would get all weird and snap at me.
We met a month ago and he made a point of saying we are not close anymore, he does not want/fancy me. We are just friends.

Fast forward to sept and we are back in touch closer than ever. We were together last weekend and did have sex,he was to stay the night with me but decided to go home. Im paranoid now that he just used me because he could have stayed and that was the plan.

He says I'm overreacting, am I ?

My head is wrecked because he says I can read him like a book and i can, I don't know what to think now. He said he would meet me to fix this but has put it off he had no time to phone me.
He did phone and text on Sunday but I ignored him.
I feel I should end the friendship now and that was my plan when he refused to stay with me sat night but I really value his friendship but he is slowly losing my respect with his thoughtless actions.

I just need some other opinions please.

Pippy1976

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

Yes they have good times but are not compatible at all.

I felt compelled to reply to this comment. It is not up to you to judge whether they are compatible as a couple - you don't know the ins and outs of their relationship.

This is completely disrespecting his wife. Again, drop this charade.

njs030

Has this man clearly said he wants to stay in his marriage?
As hard as it is you have to accept being second place or walk away. If you choose to have an affair with a married man you have no rights to sleepovers, affection or anything else. Maybe you need to look at your own marriage and sort that out one way or the other.

Walls

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I have a very close friendship with a married man, I am also married. He says he loves me as a friend and I am his best friend,we talk all the time.
We met last year in a hotel nothing happened apart from kissing etc we did not have sex. He cut me out of his life completely the next day to save both of our marraiges. We got back in touch he wanted us to meet but cancelled at the last minute.
We would talk occassionaly and he would be the same as always then he would get all weird and snap at me.
We met a month ago and he made a point of saying we are not close anymore, he does not want/fancy me. We are just friends.

Fast forward to sept and we are back in touch closer than ever. We were together last weekend and did have sex,he was to stay the night with me but decided to go home. Im paranoid now that he just used me because he could have stayed and that was the plan.

He says I'm overreacting, am I ?

My head is wrecked because he says I can read him like a book and i can, I don't know what to think now. He said he would meet me to fix this but has put it off he had no time to phone me.
He did phone and text on Sunday but I ignored him.
I feel I should end the friendship now and that was my plan when he refused to stay with me sat night but I really value his friendship but he is slowly losing my respect with his thoughtless actions.

I just need some other opinions please.

You are absolutely and completely fooling yourself here, from start to finish. This man was not ever your friend. Instead, you were his investment, and his ego rub, and his treat when his real life with his wife bored or frustrated him.

We met last year in a hotel nothing happened apart from kissing etc we did not have sex. He cut me out of his life completely the next day to save both of our marraiges. We got back in touch he wanted us to meet but cancelled at the last minute.We would talk occassionaly and he would be the same as always then he would get all weird and snap at me.

The minute it got physical, he backed off, because it was a reality check on the fantasy he had developed. When he found that he could survive the guilt, he got back in contact to restart the process. The minute it gets too real, he is gone again. But your wishes, your life in all of this, doesn't exist for him.

We met a month ago and he made a point of saying we are not close anymore, he does not want/fancy me. We are just friends.

I would say the fact that you are so available, without strings to him, means he is too close to reality. You're worthless to him really, you've devalued yourself in his eyes. I'm amazed to hear you say you are losing respect for him, surely the point of this was that neither of you had any respect for each other in the first place?

He used you, and you've used him. There is no relationship to salvage here, other than the one you have with your husband.

Merkin

His marriage is very new and not great, was not great before he hit married,he feels he has made a mistake but for all the wrong reasons he is trying to make it work.
Yes they have good times but are not compatible at all.

How very presumptuous of you. You have no idea what goes on between them.

I was ready to move on after the weekend and go back to my marriage but his not staying when he knew how much I needed it to move on has got to me.

So you needed post-coital cuddles in order to go back to your husband. WHY? This logic is beyond me.

He knows he has treated me badly and is sorry but I need him to fix this or our friendship is over.

Fix it how exactly? And stop referring to it as a friendship, you're obviously gagging for this to turn into a full-blown affair. His heart obviously isn't in it.

He finally admitted he has feelings for me but will not act on them which is fine with me.

It's obviously not fine with you at all. You seem absolutely determined that he should act on these feelings. Leave him alone.

At this point for me he has to make the effort,I have let him treat me like crap for months and never lost it with him but he is losing my respect.

I personally find all of your posts really quite disturbing. I'm getting the impression that you are extremely needy bordering on obsessive. This man, while not deserving a medal for behaving well as he sounds like a bit of a tool, has actually tried on numerous occasions to sever ties, not get involved and has been at pains not to progress any further. It would seem that you have been hell bent on him cheating on his wife. You finally did manage to seduce him and now are the woman scorned because he didn't hang around to kiss you and cuddle you. Instead he went back to his poor wife.

You need to cop on. Maybe extricate yourself from your marriage before sleeping with whom you choose.

LegacyUser

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

.
He knows he has treated me badly and is sorry but I need him to fix this or our friendship is over.
At this point for me he has to make the effort,I have let him treat me like crap for months and never lost it with him but he is losing my respect.

What about how you have treated your husband? Why have you respect for him as he has none for you and it doesn't sound like you've much for yourself, his wife or your own partner.

LegacyUser

Re his marraige I know what goes on, he tells me,half the time I defend her tbh he treats her terrible sometimes,he always hurts the people he cares the most about.
I was not the one who contacted him nor did I seduce him,it was clearly 50/50.
He was out on Sunday night and text to say how I'm his bf and he loves me etc etc,he phoned this am and he wants our friendship to continue. I'm not so sure I want his friendship anymore,I'm not sure if I even like him as a person any more.
Re my husband,if I was completely happy I would not have formed a bond with this man inthe first place. I don't want to leave my marraige,it was never an option.
What do I want from our friendship,I'm not sure anymore. I just wanted to see other peoples pov.
I know him I can read him, he is feeling guilty, he only got married last year and he met me in a hotel two mths later,we had been friends through his engagement and wedding.
He knows the wedding was a mistake but he is afraid of the backlash if he leaves.
He loves her but not in love with her his words not mine.

Just to make it clear I don't want a relationship with him,my own family would never forgive me or it would take along time.

LegacyUser

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I agree with the above. Your marriage is over if you do not feel any guilt over a two year emotional affair and having sex with a man who isn't your husband. That's despicable behaviour and a calous disregard for your husband and his feelings. You seem to be most upset about the fact that your man didn't stick around for cuddles after your illicit shag. Boo hoo, poor you. You are this mam's distraction and booty call. You are treating your husband appallingly. Cop onto yourself. You're not the one hard done by here

I was not clear I suppose,we were together all day,were out that night he got a taxi at 5.30.its not a case of a quick shag tbf to me and him.
We had breakfast lunch and dinner together. I know I should feel guilty about my marriage but I don't. I think it will make it stronger tbh.

sReq | uTeK

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

Can you expand on that, why?

Sorry to be blunt, but are you for real?

sReq | uTeK

heretochat wrote: »

This is the part that to me spells the death knell for your relationship with your husband. To me it is bad enough that you have cheated on him essentially for two years (the emotional affair as it has been termed). But the fact that you feel no guilt does you no credit at all..

There is potential for emotional carnage here with both of your spouses undeserving of this treatment.

I hope the husband gets tested regularly

username123

Do you think that you will both leave your respective spouses and sail off into the sunset together and have a lovely harmonious life?

No. If either of you were leaving your spouses, you would have done so by now.

What would the relationship be like if you did sail off together? You would never trust each other. You would always think "he cheated on his wife, he could be cheating on me" and he would think the same. You have both been complicit in such a cheap, vulgar and nasty affair for so long that it would be near impossible for either of you to ever respect each other.

Nothing good can ever come of this.

On a separate note - if you are unhappy in your marriage, sort that out and have some respect for your husband at least.

You sound like someone who could do with being alone to find out who you are and what you want.

heretochat

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I was not clear I suppose,we were together all day,were out that night he got a taxi at 5.30.its not a case of a quick shag tbf to me and him.
We had breakfast lunch and dinner together. I know I should feel guilty about my marriage but I don't. I think it will make it stronger tbh.

What a despicable attitude and how very selfish...

So you think your marriage would be stronger if your husband found out about your affair? You need a heavy dose of copping on to yourself... You are attempting to justify the unjustifiable..

Merkin

Re his marraige I know what goes on, he tells me,half the time I defend her

Well done, I've heard it all now :rolleyes:

He was out on Sunday night and text to say how I'm his bf and he loves me etc etc,he phoned this am and he wants our friendship to continue.

Stop abusing the term friendship. You don't have a friendship with this man, you have a seedy and selfish arrangement.

Re my husband,if I was completely happy I would not have formed a bond with this man in the first place. I don't want to leave my marraige,it was never an option.

Well this makes you cold and callous beyond belief. You're not happy in your marriage but unwilling to leave your husband and happy to jeopardise yet another marriage and for what? Sh1ts and giggles?

He loves her but not in love with her his words not mine.

Oldest cliche in the book, can't believe you're falling for that.

Just to make it clear I don't want a relationship with him,my own family would never forgive me or it would take along time

I think you do. And it sounds like you two are perfectly well suited and deserve one another.

DeltaWhite

@ Merkin - as always your posts are spot on..


@ OP - you should never have gotten married, I pity your husband. Get down off cloud 9 and come back to reality. This will not end well, you're clinging on for dear life to this "man" I use that word lightly because in my eyes he is similar to a teenager. No REAL man would ever cheat on his wife of 2 months with his "friend"

You wont get any sympathy here, and also I doubt there will be one person that replies that will tell you to "go for it"

Nobody in their right mind would agree with you.

Ande1975

What is the problem you are trying to solve?
As you continually post, you are revealing even more shocking opinions, views, comments.
Its like something out of Californication if I'm honest. Too weird.
Both of you should split up from your other halfs and allow them to meet someone who won't treat them the way you two are treating them.
I don't know whether this is a joke or you have a mental health problem but if this is true. You and your fling need serious help.

Typer Monkey

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I was not clear I suppose,we were together all day,were out that night he got a taxi at 5.30.its not a case of a quick shag tbf to me and him.
We had breakfast lunch and dinner together. I know I should feel guilty about my marriage but I don't. I think it will make it stronger tbh.

Oh right so having three meals together legitimises an affair does it? Spendin the day together before you were shagged and left makes it less seedy and disposable does it? Your thinking is completely messed up OP. You're attempting to justify this affair to yourself. As you can tell no-one here agrees with you. Your behaviour and attempts to justify it are disgusting tbh. I'm normally never as forthright with my opinions on here but you really are dillusional and cruel

Pippy1976

Mr and mrs confused wrote: »

I don't want to leave my marraige,it was never an option.

Just to make it clear I don't want a relationship with him

a) if you don't want to leave your marriage then stop having contact with this man. You're being reckless and putting your marriage on the line - which, as your post says, you don't want to do.

b) if you don't want a relationship with him then stop contacting him. Change your phone number, have no further contact with this guy and forget about him.

Bottom line: quit the contact.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked.