Father and child

LegacyUser

Thank you for reading and any advice would be welcome.

I have a two year old and I'm separated from the father. He lives in Scotland and we had what could be called an abusive relationship, and finally broke up a while ago.

He comes over about once every 4/5 weeks to see the child and stays one night. This weekend he was over and he brought some presents for the child. His flight had been delayed so it really ate into his time. It was so sad watching the child opening the xmas presents in a hotel, I felt so so awful for my ex.

He chooses when he comes over, if he wanted to come more often, that would be great. He is an extremely high paying job, and would like to think about buying property, so he was thinking about buying where he lives, and here to rent (a spare room would be kept for when he's over and the child could stay with him), but he's decided against that now.

He was also going to move here for the child, was offered a job but didn't take it. I offer all the time to take the child over to him as it's very upsetting for him having such little time. I can't move over to Scotland but I will take the baby as often as he likes. But he always says no as he doesn't want to take time off work (contract work, so if he's not in he's not paid), or there is always some reason for him to say no. He was upset this visit as he lost a few hours, he talked about how upset he was, so I offered to take the baby over for a long weekend, where I would stay elsewhere and he could have the child. So he said he didn't know, but if he said yes, I'd take the baby over immediately.

I feel so guilty about it, I cannot be in a relationship with this person but I would like to make this horrible situation a bit easier for him if I could. He really loves his little girl but i don't know....he doesn't seem open to any suggestions I make
I just don't know what to suggest

Littlelulu13

Idontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Thank you for reading and any advice would be welcome.

I have a two year old and I'm separated from the father. He lives in Scotland and we had what could be called an abusive relationship, and finally broke up a while ago.

He comes over about once every 4/5 weeks to see the child and stays one night. This weekend he was over and he brought some presents for the child. His flight had been delayed so it really ate into his time. It was so sad watching the child opening the xmas presents in a hotel, I felt so so awful for my ex.

He chooses when he comes over, if he wanted to come more often, that would be great. He is an extremely high paying job, and would like to think about buying property, so he was thinking about buying where he lives, and here to rent (a spare room would be kept for when he's over and the child could stay with him), but he's decided against that now.

He was also going to move here for the child, was offered a job but didn't take it. I offer all the time to take the child over to him as it's very upsetting for him having such little time. I can't move over to Scotland but I will take the baby as often as he likes. But he always says no as he doesn't want to take time off work (contract work, so if he's not in he's not paid), or there is always some reason for him to say no. He was upset this visit as he lost a few hours, he talked about how upset he was, so I offered to take the baby over for a long weekend, where I would stay elsewhere and he could have the child. So he said he didn't know, but if he said yes, I'd take the baby over immediately.

I feel so guilty about it, I cannot be in a relationship with this person but I would like to make this horrible situation a bit easier for him if I could. He really loves his little girl but i don't know....he doesn't seem open to any suggestions I make
I just don't know what to suggest

You're doing the best you can and have suggested everything possible. Fair play for being so enthusiastic rather than trying to keep the child away.

You say he was abusive but didn't say physically, emotionally, financially etc. is he possibly afraid of hurting the child somehow (emotionally or physically) if he gets too close??

Are you sure he is as well off as you think or he claims? If he was so well paid then what difference would missing out on a few hours work make to see his child?

Has he met someone new over there that doesn't know about the child and thats why you both can't go over?

It seems to me that he's keeping a secret of some sort.

I know its not the same as being there but have ye considered using skype so he could see her and talk to her?

boatbuilder

If he really wanted to see her more he would find a way. Possibly his priorities are work and money first, then his daughter. And the all talk no action thing could be that hes trying to make people think otherwise,even to the extent of sending u on a guilt trip and playing the poor me card.

Big Bag of Chips

He is a grown man, capable of making decisions himself. You have suggested various options, and as you say he doesn't seem open to any of them. There is nothing else you can do. You are not responsible for him. You don't need to step in and organise his life.

All you have to do is make the baby available to him when he comes for access. Outside of that it is his responsibility.

Why do you feel such a strong need to organise and sort out everything for him?

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for your replies.

To answer some questions,
LittleLulu13,
It was largely mental and psychological, but was becoming financial also. He was going to take my salary and give me pocket money. I would have been dependent on him for even basic personal items. Money is very very important to him. But since its over, I don't hold grudges anymore as I am out of it now and I am much happier.
Yes I am positive about his earnings and I know what his savings are as I saw them when we were together. But as I said before, money is very important to him.
If he met someone, I would be delighted- there is no need to keep it secret. I don't think the problem is for him to meet someone, it's to keep them. He is very good looking and can be very charming, but underneath its a bit darker.
Skype, yes but it'll be better when she's older as she just runs off now.

Boatbuilder,
I think your comment about his priorities are probably right, he can get very upset when he's over (and i understand it) but when he's not, there is little or no communication, the odd text asking how she is but that would be maybe once every 3/4 weeks. But he's so great with her when he's over, that it's hard to reconcile it if you know what I mean. There is certainly the guilt card- Its very easy to make me feel really guilty and in the past it was one of the ways he ensured he always got what he wanted. Its not nearly as bad as it was anymore but there are still remnants.

BBOC,
Now I know that in theory you are completely right. He is a middle aged man, and he can choose what he wants. He knows I won't keep the baby from him. He is due some holiday time over the next month and I suggested coming over, or we could head to him. but I think he wants to go away for it instead. So i told him he can't complain about lack of time when he's due a lot and wants to spend it elsewhere.
To be completely honest, I feel the need to make sure he's ok and gets time with his daughter as I feel guilty and responsible because I ended the relationship. I had to for both our sakes (baby and I).
I wrote the op last night in a moment when I felt low about the situation. But thank you all for your replies

Big Bag of Chips

I imagine your need to organise this comes more from your history together. You spent so long trying hard to please him, so that he'd be happy with you, that you can't let go of that.

But you need to realise that you had the strength to leave that relationship, so "pleasing him" is no longer your responsibility. You left the relationship for you and your daughter's sake. Don't be a pushover constantly running around trying to please him. You've made some suggestions, suggestions I'm sure he could have come up with himself. He's not keen on any of them, if he was he'd have suggested them himself! Step back now, and stop feeling responsible for him. He is responsible for his own decisions, past, present and future.

The Corinthian

OP, I don't think you need to feel guilty at all, you're being more than accommodating. My suspicion is that there's realistically no practical answer to this in the short term; the best you both can hope for is that either you or he can move closer to each other in the longer term.

I can understand his situation. When you have the time and opportunity to visit is typically when you don't have the money to do so and when you do have the money to do so is when you're doing 70 hour weeks and thus don't have the time. Cutting back is not an option, unless you want to run the risk of not having your contract renewed, and 'family friendly' work is not easy to find - even when you do find it, it doesn't pay as well, which in turn will likely end up affecting maintenance (when this last point is raised, that's when interest in greater visitation often magically evaporates).

I do get the feeling that he's not really putting his head down and trying to come up with a solution, but as I said above, there also might not be a practical one currently anyway. He may not seem open to your suggestions, but that also could be because they're unworkable (or unaffordable) and he's just not getting this across to you - poor communication does appear to be a key issue between you two.

I'd suggest you discuss with him a longer term plan, whereby you both work together to set up a situation that would see shorter travel distances, unsupervised over-nights, etc. Meanwhile, for the time being see if you can try to optimize time management for what you're doing now.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

BBOC,
Yep you're on the button, old habits die hard but they are diminishing. I'm not constantly guilty anymore, just at times. We're not together and never will be again but we are linked together now and its quite hard finding a balance when the logistics are so difficult.

The Corinthian,
I suspect also that it will be this way in the short term, but I would still like to make it easier if i could.
I know he's in a very difficult situation, and I'm as understanding of that as I can be, in terms of being as flexible as possible. But I cannot let him stay with me anymore when he's over (that really didn't work and I don't like the baby being in a hostile atmosphere). I think its better she forms her relationships with us separately.
The future is what worries me the most, he has mentioned he could do as he's doing now for a few years to make serious money and then move here afterwards. Now though, I think he's decided against that.
As for moving nearer to each other: I was in a very isolated position with him, and I would have grave concerns moving country to be a single mother where I know no one but him (based on my previous experience).
He is originally from the Middle East and has no family in Europe, and can't maintain friendships easily, so he's very much a loner. (don't get me wrong, he's happy and quite contented that way). So as for moving nearer, I would be open to moving in Ireland, but not moving country.

The Corinthian

Idontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I suspect also that it will be this way in the short term, but I would still like to make it easier if i could.

I don't think you can and honestly I think you've already gone beyond the call of duty on that score. It's realistically his turn to suggest something or otherwise come up with ideas.

He is originally from the Middle East and has no family in Europe

What are your relations with his family?

LegacyUser

His family are very nice people. They have been exceptionally welcome towards me in the past, but they would rather he was with someone from his own culture.
It was funny, his mum thought I was too old for him, even though i'm 11 years younger.
They have never met the child as i will not allow her go to my exes home country (threats of kidnapping from him)- so now, I imagine they don't think much of me. Until i can be sure that if i take her she will come back, she is categorically not going.

The Corinthian

I would keep contact open with them, invite them to visit and be as accommodating as you can be (without going over there). Importantly, I'd ask their advice, as you have done so here; to do so will not only put you even further in their good books, but they also have influence over their son which may help to 'focus' his efforts a bit.

As for the whole kidnapping thing, it's probably heat of the moment stuff; I doubt your ex is going to sacrifice his entire career in the West just so he can become a stay-at-home father in a Middle-Eastern country with 30% unemployment. Still, better safe than sorry.

CaraMay

Op you really shouldn't be trying to force more of a relationship between your child and your ex when you evidently don't trust him. Enjoy your child and stop trying to push the relationship in a certain direction especially as he doesn't seem to want it.

Obliq

Hi OP....Just wanted to mention that I'm getting alarm bells ringing when I read about you being SO VERY thrilled to bits with every morsel of attention/care that your ex is showing your daughter, and how very much you want him to see more of her. I am fully behind parents having equal access and supportive of father's rights - but are you sure he wants more access than he's getting?

From what I've picked up here, your ex has this access exactly the way he wants it. He's absolutely far enough away that you take FULL responsibility for your daughter, and he is saying no to all requests for more visits, with nothing you can do about that if he doesn't want to change it. Others have said this too.

I'm picking up that it's for your daughter's relationship with her father that you want there to be more access, and that is where the bells are ringing for me. I am a single parent who has bent over backwards on too many occasions to facilitate my youngest's relationship with his father. Since we separated (6 years ago), he has had as much access as possible, with me taking the responsibility for the school week and sharing lifts to bring the child to and from his Dad's every weekend.

Only last year, I gave in to demands that he see more of his son during the week and I reluctantly let my youngest go to his after school until after dinner. The reason I was reluctant was that my son is a bit challenged around changes to his routine, and I was afraid that his dad would turn around a while later and say forget it now, I'm dropping it again. Guess what? Dad has a new relationship and now has dropped our son's visits to once every 2 weeks if he's lucky. My son was devastated (although he seems to be getting used to it), and his dad doesn't have to pick up the pieces because I'M THE ONE with full responsibility. Also, I won't diss his dad to my son because that's a big no-no, but the poor child is still too young to work out his father's selfishness and I get the brunt of the behavioural fall-out.

All I'm saying is - be very careful about your daughter becoming dependent on some kind of routine that only one side of the parenting package is pushing for. If you push for further access (and get it), be aware that you'll be the one trying to explain to the upset child that "Daddy is busy" if it turns out he has less regard for the access than you/your daughter has.

Obliq

Idontknowwhattodo wrote: »

To be completely honest, I feel the need to make sure he's ok and gets time with his daughter as I feel guilty and responsible because I ended the relationship. I had to for both our sakes (baby and I).

BTW, you did a good thing hon - you took responsibility because you had to. You still have responsibility for your daughter, but not to him or his happiness. He's a grown man who made choices you couldn't live with, you made a choice to leave, and he's making choices now regarding access. It's your choice to feel guilt, but that's a waste of time IMO and doing nobody any favours.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice. Just a few replies:


The Corinthian:
That's actually a good idea, but I'm not in direct touch with his family as I can't speak their language and they can't speak English, so we can't communicate at all.
I accept it might have been a heat of the moment thing to say, but fact is I don't know 100% for sure. It's unlikely he would choose to return home, but this is partly why I'm trying to ensure (force?) a relationship with his LO, to not argue about maintenance and to appear generally friendly and approachable (but appropriately distant if that makes sense) so he doesn't feel backed into a corner, where he makes any stupid decisions. At times it's a hard balance to strike.

Caramay:
D'ya know, I hadn't thought I had been forcing things, but in thinking about it, you're probably right.

Obliq:
Thank you for your insight- I had never thought about it in that way before. At the moment it's just him deciding when to come over, but there have been times when something has happened and he had to change the booking. It doesn't matter right now as she's so young but when she's older, and there are times she's expecting to see her Dad, and he can't make it, she's going to be very disappointed.
When we broke up, I knew I'd have to take on the full responsibility, but that was ok as long as we were out. It doesn't happen every time, but when he comes over, he talks a lot about how difficult it is for him (again, I understand), like he appears extremely upset, and for example a few months ago, he was talking about not having a proper relationship with his LO until she's older and how he never got to be a proper father and I said we'll come over, or you come here (as he had 2 weeks off) but after all this emotional turmoil, he decided to go to Thailand for 2 weeks.
Now I have no problem with holidays, he can choose to spend his time as he wants, but its when I hear him pour his heart out, that he's a broken man, but when the opportunity arises to see her. I don't know... his actions don't seem to match his words, and that's what I find so frustrating, and why i'm wracking my brain to come up with some sort of solution. But I might just have to accept there isn't one.

Yep, this guilty feeling is a total waste of time- but slowly and surely it's definitely diminishing:)

I guess the best thing to do is to stop suggesting things, but be very open to them when he does.

Thank you all

Big Bag of Chips

Idontknowwhattodo wrote: »

when he comes over, he talks a lot about how difficult it is for him (again, I understand), like he appears extremely upset, and for example a few months ago, he was talking about not having a proper relationship with his LO until she's older and how he never got to be a proper father and I said we'll come over, or you come here (as he had 2 weeks off) but after all this emotional turmoil, he decided to go to Thailand for 2 weeks.

... his actions don't seem to match his words, and that's what I find so frustrating

You see the cynic in me reads this as manipulaton. He lost control of you when you left, so is trying his best to get back some control. He gives you the sob story. You feel guilty, and feel bad, and feel like it's your fault, and try to fix it - and then he rejects your solutions.. leaving you feeling bad, and guilty and like it's your fault, and trying to fix it.... Do you see what I mean?

Stop trying to "fix" it. He is more than capable of fixing it without your help. he has various options open to him, but he wants to keep you guessing and running around after him. Like already said, it's no longer your responsibilty.

eviltwin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You see the cynic in me reads this as manipulaton. He lost control of you when you left, so is trying his best to get back some control. He gives you the sob story. You feel guilty, and feel bad, and feel like it's your fault, and try to fix it - and then he rejects your solutions.. leaving you feeling bad, and guilty and like it's your fault, and trying to fix it.... Do you see what I mean?

Stop trying to "fix" it. He is more than capable of fixing it without your help. he has various options open to him, but he wants to keep you guessing and running around after him. Like already said, it's no longer your responsibilty.

Was thinking this myself. OP you have been very accommodating. The lack of access is not down to anything you're doing or not doing, he seems to have all the access he wants to have. He would use his holidays to see the child if he was really that desperate, he's not so that speaks volume. I think Big Bag has hit the nail on the head, he's using the situation to manipulate you, its one of the few ways he can now you're not together. I admire you keeping things civil with him but be mindful that you might still be vulnerable and protect yourself.

LegacyUser

I've been thinking a lot over the last few days over whether this is being done on purpose as some kind of manipulative tool or not.
I'd hate to think it was, as it's not a game and there are no winners here, and it could potentially cause serious hurt to the LO as she grows.
I would hate to think also that he doesn't come over and would prefer me to feel guilty and responsible than to spending time with his LO. I would see that as very very strange behavior.

We're barely in contact at all, as I said before I see him every 4/5 weeks but there is the very odd text in the meantime.
I really don't think I feature in his mind at all, and I'm beginning to think maybe when he's not around his daughter, she's not at the forefront of his mind either- maybe more of an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation. To me, that would be more preferable than doing all this on purpose to make me feel awful.

BBOC, we'd been together for a long time, and suddenly to lose someone you probably thought you 'owned' must have been strange. He has tried to regain some control in a number of ways since we ended (financial mostly) but nothing has worked as we're too far away- and i have to stress- this is the saving factor for me. I take your point, but i'd really hope he's not doing all this on purpose to prove some kind of non point. He knows we're not moving over and he has stopped pushing me on this.

Eviltwin, thank you for your post. I think that simply you might be right- he sees her for about 30 hours every 5 weeks and that might be all he wants.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Sorry to drag an old thread up here, but I wanted to give one final update.

My ex had some holidays coming up this month, and at his last visit, I had suggested coming here for a week so he could spend time with his child if he wanted- he had been upset that his last visit had been cut short due to flight delays. He told me that his holidays had been pushed back due to work commitments and he wouldn't get to go away until march instead, and that he was upset that he couldn't come here for the holiday.
So I spoke with him recently and he told me that he'd booked his holidays to Canada. And it was a difficult choice between Canada and Mexico. Coming here to see his baby didn't even arise as an option.

So basically I wanted to thank you all for your sound advice, you were right- he already has all the access he wants, and I have just kissed a mountain of guilt goodbye

Thanks again

Big Bag of Chips

At least you know what's what now, OP, and you can continue to train yourself to step back from him, and not feel so responsible.

As your issue seems to be resolved, I will lock your thread.

All the best.