Friend Zone

Becky89

Hi,

I will get to the point quickly. Basically, I have fallen in love with a close friend of mine. I have told her this, she says that she loves me (as a friend) but is not in love with me.

I think about her all the time and it's driving me crazy! She does have a boyfriend and I asked her to leave him for me but she said she can't. They have a house together etc and if she was to leave her friends and family would hate her. She said if she was given this choice years ago she would pick me but she is in love with her bf.

What should I do? I can't stop thinking about her but then again I would be losing a good friend if I bring it up again.

Lux23

I think you have to let it go, she clearly doesn't feel the same way about you. Sorry.

Becky89

Lux23 wrote: »

I think you have to let it go, she clearly doesn't feel the same way about you. Sorry.

Can these feelings change over time?

Marcus Halberstram

Forget it. She isn't interested. Frankly I don't believe her line about years ago either. Don't latch onto that as a sign that there is hope.

Sorry to have to put it so bluntly but someone has to. Move on and take your mind off her by doing a new activity, join a club, meet new people. Invest in yourself and leave her in the past.

Becky89

Marcus Halberstram wrote: »

Forget it. She isn't interested. Frankly I don't believe her line about years ago either. Don't latch onto that as a sign that there is hope.

Sorry to have to put it so bluntly but someone has to. Move on and take your mind off her by doing a new activity, join a club, meet new people. Invest in yourself and leave her in the past.

I appreciate the honesty. We would text everyday, sometimes for hours a day. Would you put a complete stop to any contact with her?

Stavro Mueller

Marcus Halberstram wrote: »

Forget it. She isn't interested. Frankly I don't believe her line about years ago either. Don't latch onto that as a sign that there is hope.

Indeed. It could be her way of letting you down gently. She knows how you feel because you've told her. If she wanted to do something about it she'd have done so by now. Like it or not you've got your answer.

Becky89

cymbaline wrote: »

Indeed. It could be her way of letting you down gently. She knows how you feel because you've told her. If she wanted to do something about it she'd have done so by now. Like it or not you've got your answer.

so you would stop all contact with her? we would talk for hours everyday

December2012

Yes - stop all contact. You cannot be friends with somebody you are in love with who does not love you back.

CaraMay

December2012 wrote: »

Yes - stop all contact. You cannot be friends with somebody you are in love with who does not love you back.

Exactly. The only one who is hurting is you. She is well set up as she has her bf and she has you at her beck and call as well.

Explain you can't bf friends with her because you love her and move on. You are like an addict who needs your fix of her and you need to go cold turkey. There are plenty of available girls out there so put this one out of your mind.

Taltos

For your own sake you have to cut contact here OP - no matter what she later says to you.
As long as she is in a relationship with this guy you don't stand the slightest chance.

All you are right now is that "safe" friend who gives her an ego boost. Being totally honest I don't see any hope in hell for you here - instead I just see years of misery as you watch her relationship grow while you remain alone pining for her or at best trying to fool everyone else by getting into a relationship while still holding out hope. Being brutal you need to accept that if she cared for you even half as much as you care for her she wouldn't want you to wreck your own chances of happiness and so you need to end it and find new friends. Tell her if you want, just be honest that since you and her will never be together you cannot have her in your life in any form, it's a huge waste but if you stand any chance of happiness you have to finally put your own happiness first and not a pipe-dream on what might have been.

sligoface

Stop contacting her, you are just torturing yourself. If you are able to talk to her for hours all the time then surely you can meet another girl who is single and will reward your willingnes and ability for meaningful communication with the prospect of a romantic relationship.

strobe

Becky89 wrote: »

so you would stop all contact with her? we would talk for hours everyday

For now anyway. Doesn't have to be forever in anyway. People fall out of love just like they fall in love. Put this one out of your mind for now and when you meet someone else and fall for them there's no reason you couldn't rekindle a friendship with this girl if that's what you want, once that's all you want.

stargazer 68

Becky89 wrote: »

Hi,

She does have a boyfriend and I asked her to leave him for me but she said she can't. They have a house together etc and if she was to leave her friends and family would hate her.

She can leave OP but she doesn't want to. Time to cut the strings and get out and about. Why are you wasting your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you when you could be out meeting someone who does?

_dublinlad_

I think its very important what strobe said there. When telling her you wont be contacting her anymore, make it more like "see you later" rather then "goodbye forever".

The feelings you have for her right now are just temporary. It might take you one year, it might take you five, but the day will come when you are so moved on and happy in your life (and maybe relationship) that you will drop this girl a call, meet up for a coffee and not feel one thing for her other then wanting her friendship.

Becky89

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

I think its very important what strobe said there. When telling her you wont be contacting her anymore, make it more like "see you later" rather then "goodbye forever".

The feelings you have for her right now are just temporary. It might take you one year, it might take you five, but the day will come when you are so moved on and happy in your life (and maybe relationship) that you will drop this girl a call, meet up for a coffee and not feel one thing for her other then wanting her friendship.

Does nobody believe her that I should hold out for any hope? We have kissed on 3 or 4 more occasions, nearly slept together once. So many mixed signals

Meauldsegosha

Becky89 wrote: »

Does nobody believe her that I should hold out for any hope? We have kissed on 3 or 4 more occasions, nearly slept together once. So many mixed signals

This is what you said in your first post "She does have a boyfriend and I asked her to leave him for me but she said she can't. They have a house together etc and if she was to leave her friends and family would hate her."

So her priorities are her boyfriend, her house, friends and family. You come way down the list. If she wanted to be with you she would, none of the things above you on the list would matter. There is no hope there OP, you have to let go for your own sake.

December2012

Becky89 wrote: »

Does nobody believe her that I should hold out for any hope? We have kissed on 3 or 4 more occasions, nearly slept together once. So many mixed signals

She herself said it's not going to happen.

Jordans n Timbs

This is the kind of stuff that gets your ass kicked, you sound like a wormy **** OP

Stavro Mueller

Have you considered the possibility that your friend is getting a kick out of having two people fancying her? By rights she shouldn't be encouraging you by texting so much. You're reading it as a sign that there's hope and maybe you shouldn't be. Even if you did get to be with her, how can you say for sure that she wouldn't be off snogging some other person behind your back. She does have form.

CaraMay

Yeah op you are all about what she is doing to you and ignoring that you are actively trying to break up her serious relationship. You have to accept your part in this. All is NOT fair in love and war.

dianec401

This happened to me many moons ago. I found myself falling for a friend who I'd known for a few years. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing - you can get the friendship back. But you need to put distance between yourselves first in order to properly get over them.

In my case, my friend and I were very close and I do think looking back that he did genuinely care about me. But not enough. We were very like a 'normal' couple in lots of ways - we went to dinner, the cinema etc. We held hands and hugged and there were a lot of mixed messages, however it never developed into anything although I really wanted it to.

Eventually he met someone and fell head over heels for her, which left me heartbroken. So I distanced myself from him gradually (lots of excuses about working late, being busy etc etc to put off our meetings) as I just couldn't bear it. He still contacted me asking to meet up but it took me over a year to agree to meet up again.

When we did I was relieved and delighted to find that my feelings HAD changed. I really had missed his friendship though and it was great to re-connect. However this was done very gradually and when I felt fully secure, I explained to him what had happened and why I had disappeared for a while. I think he probably realised the true reason and that was why he had let me drift off for a while without questioning it too deeply.

We rebuilt our relationship gradually and now 20 years later, I am probably as close to his wonderful partner as I am to him and I am godmother to their child. I never for one moment think 'what if'. If anything I thank my lucky stars we never got together. I love him to bits (platonically) but he's high maintenance and I don't know how his wife puts up with him sometimes! We would have drove each other mad!!

Anyway, I do feel for you but have to reiterate other posters here in saying that sometimes you have to do what you really don't want to do, in order to look after yourself in the long run. It's not a good place to be OP, good luck but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Da Shins Kelly

I have to agree with others here. Distancing yourself from her is the best option. It doesn't have to be forever, but I think it's the only way of really getting over it and giving yourself a chance of being happy. If you're around someone all the time, it just becomes more difficult to let it die. You're constantly thinking 'what if' or holding out some hope that they'll change their mind, and that's no way to live. You're just living in limbo and living off false hope. She's in a committed relationship that she clearly doesn't want to leave, and I think you're being a little unfair in asking her to do so. Maybe things would have worked out years ago, but it's different now that she's with someone else that she has committed to to the point of living together, so you have to try and accept that and move on too. It's not easy to walk away from it and it will take time to get over it, but it's really for your own sake in the long run.

Wibbs

Becky89 wrote: »

Does nobody believe her that I should hold out for any hope? We have kissed on 3 or 4 more occasions, nearly slept together once. So many mixed signals

Nope there aren't. You think there are mixed signals because that's what you want to see and hear. The actual signals are: on your side, snogged you a few times(likely a few vinos in) on her side, she's living with and sleeping with someone else and has turned you down. Simples. It doesn't matter a jot what she says or has said in the past, it's what she is doing and continues to do that is all the signal you need to listen to. She's with him, not you. End of.

As for hope? Hope is fine, when there is some chance of something happening with someone worthwhile(my jury's out on the last one). Even with hope why restrict your options? 4 billion women in the world and all. Put it this way, she's keeping her options open by stringing you along...

Becky89

Thanks guys.

Took your advice. I said the ball is in her court now. I am happy to talk if what she wants is the same as me. There was some tears from both of us and I don't think she believes me when I say there will be no contact on my side.

I do hope one day we can be friends and we can both be happy in our respective relationships.

Thanks again.

Becky89

Now to find a new woman......any ideas?? :P

Czarcasm

Becky89 wrote: »

Now to find a new woman......any ideas?? :P

Well you could do worse Becky than try out the online dating forum here on Boards for some great advice on how to meet new people. I'm on mobile at the moment so I can't post a direct link to the Access Request thread in Feedback but I think the only two conditions are that you are a member of Boards for three months and that you have contributed 50 posts across any of the many forums here.

Ickle Magoo

Becky89 wrote: »

Now to find a new woman......any ideas?? :P

As your original query has been answered and PI is an advice for specific issues, I'll lock this thread.

All the best OP.