Obsessed with father of my child

Dublinlassie

Hey all I needed to get this out of my system but I am obsessed with the father of my daughter..,
I am engaged with 6 years to another man but am seriously starting to think that it is a relationship of convenience
My ex is single with about two years and since the day I heard I just cannot get this person out of my mind
We never even had a proper relationship yes I was young and stupid and got pregnant too soon.
I am constantly thinking what if.. He is giving me no hints don't get me wrong this is all one way
I feel so strong that I think I should finish with my partner as it's not fair on him
Even though I know the other relationship will more than likely never rekindle
I feel like it's taking over my life
This has to stop
Am I crazy?? Yes you all scream
I just think the reason I can't let go is because I never really had him to begin with.., therefore making it so much more difficult to move on

Merkin

Aside from anything else, I don't think it's really fair to your fiancé to continue in a relationship when you deem it to be one of convenience do you?

dixiefly

What sort of relationship do you have with this man? Surely there must be a fair bit of contact. I would have thought that you meet up enough times in connection with your daughter that you would be able to determine if there is a spark there.

Would it be possible to meet up with him for a coffee etc and then ask him a sort of 'what if 'query. If you get any sort of vibe, then you should consider if you should finish your current relationship and give it a go. His response might be enough for you to accept that your feelings are just an obsession and it may ease and allow you to concentrate on your partner.

gordongekko

dixiefly wrote: »

What sort of relationship do you have with this man? Surely there must be a fair bit of contact. I would have thought that you meet up enough times in connection with your daughter that you would be able to determine if there is a spark there.

Would it be possible to meet up with him for a coffee etc and then ask him a sort of 'what if 'query. If you get any sort of vibe, then you should consider if you should finish your current relationship and give it a go. His response might be enough for you to accept that your feelings are just an obsession and it may ease and allow you to concentrate on your partner.

sounds like a rotten thing to do to the current partner.

Oryx

It sounds to me like your current relationship might be a bit stale or boring, or maybe its the thought of lifelong marriage that has your eye is wandering. It happens, but it doesn't mean your ex is anything more than a distraction. Its very easy to dwell on 'what ifs', when life's not great or prior to getting hitched.

But it is also a sign that you have niggly doubts about your current guy. Forget your ex and concentrate on your feelings there. Consider being on your own for a while. Whatever you do don't motor on with wedding plans while you feel this way.

desbrook

Eh - OP your post should actually be about your "fiance " and your lack of feelings for him. From what you type you really should finish that one and be true to yourself and him. Take a break and then and only then see if the father of your child is interested.

ShaShaBear

Well Id definitely break up with your current partner, not really sure why you agreed to marry him if you have been obsessing over someone else. Thats nothing short of cruel.

Dublinlassie

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Well Id definitely break up with your current partner, not really sure why you agreed to marry him if you have been obsessing over someone else. Thats nothing short of cruel.

Just to add to this we are engaged with the last five years and have no date set for a wedding.. It's not like I agreed to marry someone while thinking of someone else..

ShaShaBear

Dublinlassie wrote: »

Just to add to this we are engaged with the last five years and have no date set for a wedding.. It's not like I agreed to marry someone while thinking of someone else..

Well then I am sure you agreed to marry him for something more than convenience as you put it. Perhaps its time to try rekindle that.

m'lady

dixiefly wrote: »

What sort of relationship do you have with this man? Surely there must be a fair bit of contact. I would have thought that you meet up enough times in connection with your daughter that you would be able to determine if there is a spark there.

Would it be possible to meet up with him for a coffee etc and then ask him a sort of 'what if 'query. If you get any sort of vibe, then you should consider if you should finish your current relationship and give it a go. His response might be enough for you to accept that your feelings are just an obsession and it may ease and allow you to concentrate on your partner.

In other words she should 'sit on the fence', what a horrible thing to do to a guy (her fiancé).. Just awful.

OP you have called your current relationship a 'convenience' , does that not say it all to you?

dixiefly

m'lady wrote: »

In other words she should 'sit on the fence', what a horrible thing to do to a guy (her fiancé).. Just awful.

OP you have called your current relationship a 'convenience' , does that not say it all to you?

My thought was that if there was absolutely no chance of getting back it might get this fascination / obsession out of her system. Of course if she doubts her current partner then she should break up. Her mind is all over the place and the father of the child is the focus of the obsession. A coffee and a chat might change that. The reality is that they are in each other's lives. I am not suggesting that she juggle the two at all. The other option would be to break fully with the current partner and then ask the father out. Either way imo would be better than going into a marriage with this hanging over her.

m'lady

dixiefly wrote: »

My thought was that if there was absolutely no chance of getting back it might get this fascination / obsession out of her system. Of course if she doubts her current partner then she should break up. Her mind is all over the place and the father of the child is the focus of the obsession. A coffee and a chat might change that. The reality is that they are in each other's lives. I am not suggesting that she juggle the two at all. The other option would be to break fully with the current partner and then ask the father out. Either way imo would be better than going into a marriage with this hanging over her.

Sorry I see where you were coming from now, and yes I agree. Maybe she's so consumed with this 'obsession' that she can't see the wood from the trees.

heretochat

Two things for me:

(1) Your fiance deserves a lot better. You cannot string him along like this if it is only out of "convenience" as you put it.

(2) The grass is not always greener on the other side and the father of your child may have no interest at all in you..

Either way as I said your fiance deserves your honesty.

The Corinthian

Dublinlassie wrote: »

We never even had a proper relationship yes I was young and stupid and got pregnant too soon.
I am constantly thinking what if.. He is giving me no hints don't get me wrong this is all one way

I'm afraid what it is, is you're more obsessed with a relationship of greater convenience than the one you are currently in.

Let me explain; in a perfect World we all meet the right guy/girl, make a baby and stay together to raise that baby. As such doing so alone, or with another guy/girl as step-parent, or whatever is rarely, if ever, anyone's first choice.

So you're not really obsessed with this guy as a real person, you're obsessed with the ideal family set up he would have represented; putting it ruthlessly, he's an option of greater utility than your current partner, in an ideal situation - the "what if", you're talking about.

Thing is, it's a fantasy and you're aware of this already. You were never in "a proper relationship", he's not showing any signs of interest in one and so realistically he never will.

There is no 'happily ever after', I'm afraid, so allowing yourself to get bogged down with such thoughts or, worse still, hopes, is only going to lead to damage for you and your child. I've seen people trapped by resentment and fantasy because they cannot accept that 'what if' never happened and never will, and all it does is make things worse in the long run.

Dublinlassie

The Corinthian wrote: »

I'm afraid what it is, is you're more obsessed with a relationship of greater convenience than the one you are currently in.

Let me explain; in a perfect World we all meet the right guy/girl, make a baby and stay together to raise that baby. As such doing so alone, or with another guy/girl as step-parent, or whatever is rarely, if ever, anyone's first choice.

So you're not really obsessed with this guy as a real person, you're obsessed with the ideal family set up he would have represented; putting it ruthlessly, he's an option of greater utility than your current partner, in an ideal situation - the "what if", you're talking about.

Thing is, it's a fantasy and you're aware of this already. You were never in "a proper relationship", he's not showing any signs of interest in one and so realistically he never will.

There is no 'happily ever after', I'm afraid, so allowing yourself to get bogged down with such thoughts or, worse still, hopes, is only going to lead to damage for you and your child. I've seen people trapped by resentment and fantasy because they cannot accept that 'what if' never happened and never will, and all it does is make things worse in the long run.

Thank you all for your replies this one in particular has made me think straight
It is a fantasy something I've been wanting for all these years when really I need to wake up and realise that I already have it here at home with my current partner
I need to start working on that relationship instead