Is it normal to think this far ahead about that one special person ?

LegacyUser

Hi guys I'm not sure if this is a personal issue or not move the thread if its not in an appropriate area

Not sure how to explain this fully.. maybe I'm over reacting

But for the last 4 years or so I always find that I'm thinking about like women that I could possibly love to settle down with in the future.. Women that I've been in contact with for a while, women that I've dated.. women that I've lost contact with.. Even some women that I know have no interest in me or don't fancy me

So the questions I'd think about and ask myself would be would she be a brilliant mum like the way my mum is to me ?.. what are her career aspirations?
Is she in college ?.. If she is in college would she want to emigrate after graduating ?
Is she trustworthy ? Would she be faithful to me ? Does she want what I would want ?
Could this girl potentially be a woman that there could be a chance of us getting married and having our own children 10 to 15 years from now ?
Is she good with children ?
and it goes on and on.. you guys get the gist ???

I know its weird.. Its difficult to fully explain

And what's even stranger in my opinion is that im only in my early 20s, so actually I've no interest in settling down right now. At the moment my mid-to late 30s would be my ideal time age wise for getting married and having children etc

Is this normal behaviour to think like this ??? If not, should i stop ? How could I stop thinking like this ?

AnonMouse

In my opinion, there is no such thing as normal. We are drip fed stereotypes in the news and by the media, and if you don't fit in, you can be classed as 'not normal'. Bullsh*t if you ask me. People are people and we each have a thought process of our own. This happens to be your thing for now, so don't be worrying about it. You could be thinking about a lot worse things.

This is probably not the advice you wanted to hear...maybe i'm not normal either?!!!

All the best

LegacyUser

AnonMouse wrote: »

In my opinion, there is no such thing as normal. We are drip fed stereotypes in the news and by the media, and if you don't fit in, you can be classed as 'not normal'. Bullsh*t if you ask me. People are people and we each have a thought process of our own. This happens to be your thing for now, so don't be worrying about it. You could be thinking about a lot worse things.

Hi thanks for your reply

I have pretty much assumed that after 400 views (with no one commenting) before your post that maybe what I'm going through isn't so bad after all

If it was really strange and a big concern im sure it would've attracted more attention and comments

Although saying that I've never come across or heard anyone that does what I do ?

AnonMouse

They may not think about the same things as you, but i'm sure there are millions of people all over the World that have frequent thoughts about a particular subject. No biggie if you ask me

Catari Jaguar

That's pretty much how all women think... Welcome to the club It mostly never works out ideally how you imagine, setting yourself up for a fall with a "dream" woman or man and end up missing out on a person you've overlooked due to your own ridiculous standards. Will we ever learn??

thegreatgonzo

AnonMouse wrote: »

You could be thinking about a lot worse things.

Ha well that's true. I will say though that it is one thing to have an idea of a person in your head and then another to deal with the realities of people as they are.
You may meet someone in real life who actually has most of those qualities you like but you won't recognise it if you are too caught up in the ideal picture you are carrying around with you. It takes a lot of time to get to know people and you might be too quick to dismiss people that would be very suited to you. Or then again you might madly in love with someone who is the opposite of everything on your list. So I suppose my point is don't be too quick to judge people based on what you think they should be.

Also some people (not accusing you of this) have an idea of the person that they would like to marry away off in the future but in the mean time go out with other types with the deliberate intention of it never amounting to anything. That's a good way to go about hurting people. I'm not saying at all that every relationship a person is in has to be serious but both people have to be on the same page.

Penny Tration

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

That's pretty much how all women think... Welcome to the club It mostly never works out ideally how you imagine, setting yourself up for a fall with a "dream" woman or man and end up missing out on a person you've overlooked due to your own ridiculous standards. Will we ever learn??

All women don't think like that.

OP, I'm female and in a similar age bracket to you. I absolutely don't think like that, not even about my current boyfriend, as it's early days.

That said, I don't think it's weird. People all think differently. As long as your thoughts don't define your actions, in that you don't become too serious too quickly when dating somebody, you have nothing to worry about.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your opinions, but after more thought this morning I'm still not fully convinced that me thinking in those ways are fully appropriate

There's a lot of information about myself that I haven't posted thats probably clouding the situation.. So maybe thats why your opinions are positive.. while im still very unsure

For example I haven't been in a relationship with a girl ever.. So would it be possible that these thoughts of mine are subconsciously hindering or preventing me from being with someone.. I'm currently not happy being single

Merkin

Adviceplease123 wrote: »

For example I haven't been in a relationship with a girl ever.. So would it be possible that these thoughts of mine are subconsciously hindering or preventing me from being with someone.. I'm currently not happy being single

Yes possibly. If you are setting ridiculous standards for women (ones that nobody could possibly reach) then this would definitely hinder your chances of having a successful relationship.

LegacyUser

I don't believe thinking that way is weird or abnormal but I would say its unusual. You said there you don't have a girlfriend and haven't yet but you would like one. I think that because you don't have a gf but are longing for one your mind is full of thoughts of what it would be like. I reckon that if you do meet someone these thoughts will disappear. They are just taking up space in your mind while you are single. If you met someone you fell for you wouldn't be thinking about all the different girls in your life, past, future and present! In my opinion you are doing it because you are fantasizing about the life with a woman that you don't have yet and because you are so eager for it to happen you are thinking of every woman who was/is a possibility who you came into contact with and how your lives may be/have been together.

With the nature of the questions you think about it sounds like you are the type of guy who is suited to a committed relationship. That doesn't mean marriage and babies but everyone in a long term relationship subconsciously evaluates their partner in these ways..Will they be a good parent, will they be kind to me always etc..You are just jumping the gun, you could say!

You could be hurting your chances of meeting someone by being so preoccupied with these thoughts of different girls in your life, some of whom you admit you know have no interest in you. Sometimes I think about guys in my past and what I should have said or done and even play out how it would or should have gone. If I thought about that all the time I wouldn't be open to meeting any new guys though. I'd be caught up in the past.

Don't worry too much about thinking this way but don't let it stop you from meeting women in reality!

The Corinthian

Adviceplease123 wrote: »

Is this normal behaviour to think like this ???

It is not normal to be so focused on settling down into a lifelong relationship if you are a European male in his twenties.

Before you get all paranoid or other people fly off the handle like lemmings about that statement, all I mean is that it's well outside of average or most common behaviour for someone of your gender, age and cultural background - as someone else suggested, it's unusual.

That's all 'normal' means. Being left-handed is not 'normal', neither is being homosexual. Or having an IQ over 140. Or being a millionaire.

So I'd worry less about asking if it's normal and more about how being whatever-you-are will affect you and your life. Overall, I suspect, it's a non-issue.

If not, should i stop ? How could I stop thinking like this ?

Actually being in a relationship normally does the trick for me on that score.

jellyboy

Hi op

In my view there's two things happening here

There is a deepness to the questions that you are asking yourself and it's very very normal ...

You are saying to yourself " what is it I will accept"
Think of yourself making the most delicious soup from your own recipe
You go looking for the finest ingredients ,a bit of this ,a lump of that ..

Eventually you get the woman/soup that you desired ,and you end up warm satisfied and nurtured

2nd thing you are doing is visualisation

Link attached

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creative_visualization

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Yes possibly. If you are setting ridiculous standards for women (ones that nobody could possibly reach) then this would definitely hinder your chances of having a successful relationship.

But then again I don't find that I am setting ridiculously high standards for women in terms of looks and/or personality

Like there are women who do find me attractive obviously but I wouldn't really find them attractive, and then there are women who I find attractive and seem to have a fantastic personality but aren't really into me.. or seem to see as a friend.. bit of a catch 22, It hasn't really worked for me relationship wise

Maybe I could try set my bar lower and settle for less looks and personality wise, but I don't find my expectations of women's looks to be excessively high anyways

I dont expect a woman who is a supermodel to fall into my arms and I wouldnt that to happen either, An average looking woman with a solid workable personality who is around my age would be perfect