Long distance relationship - what kind of relationship is this??

LegacyUser

Hi everybody, I’d really like to hear your opinions…

Bf and I have been together for 1 year, during this time we have been fairly independent, i.e. living in separated houses, going out together but also saving time for our friends.

Now my bf accepted a job in a non-European country and we decided to try the LDR. The job offer was very good and I didn’t feel it would be right to hold him back. I don’t know yet whether I would move there or he would move back here in the future.

Since he moved away, I’ve been to his new home country twice and it’s a major hassle and really expensive, I have to take 2 days off work just for travelling there and back (no direct flights etc). So the routine for me is Friday (all day) at airports/train stations, Saturday and Sunday with him, then Monday (all day) at airports/train stations.

When it was his turn to travel back to Ireland, he followed the same routine. Except he spent his entire Saturday with family and then with friends in the pub till 2am (I went to both events). We spent Saturday night together (by that I mean we fell asleep beside each other, as he was hammered), then on Sunday we didn’t even have breakfast together as he left early to see more family and friends. All day long. Sunday night (really late) we had a quick dinner together (the only moment when it was just the two of us), spent the night together and he left early in the morning to see more family and then back to his country.

I am really annoyed that I’m making all this effort and spending a fortune to go see him abroad and when it’s his turn, either I have to hang around with his family/friends or I have to accept only seeing him for a couple of hours. I know he is a very sociable guy, that he misses his friends, that he has a big clingy family, but I feel like I’m his last priority here.

He is a lovely guy and we talked of a future together (marriage, kids) but when it comes down to everyday reality, I feel like I'm making a much bigger effort than he is. I also feel like either he doesn't miss me that much/doesn't care much about spending time together or he is just too comfortable with me bending over backwards to keep this relationship going.

Am I being fair? I would love to hear your opinions on it, please.

iusedtoknow

I was in a LDR for a while (now married to the girl). i'll be blunt - he's doing the right thing and I don't think you're being fair.
Think about the reverse of this. If you were working away, and you'd come home - would you only hang out with your BF? Would you not want to see friends and family as well? I think it's great that he's involving you in seeing family and friends, it's not like you're a booty call. Maybe he needs to go about it slightly differently and make sure you get enough time together/intimacy time.

When I was in LDR, we were lucky there was a direct flight Thursdays and Sunday, so I'd leave after college on Thursday and be back on Sunday night. We'd do this once a month each. We had a pretty strict rule that the visiting one would need to switch into whatever the other one had going on. Nights out with friends, laundry, shopping - whatever was needed done. I remember there was one time I went over and I saw more of my now father in law than I did my GF. It was slightly frustrating at the time, but so it goes.

Maybe you need to do less weekend trips and try plan a longer time in each other's countries - a week here or there.

Typer Monkey

In fairness, when you go to there you're only there to visit him and he probably has nothing to do all weekend but entertain you but when he comes home he has to fit in you, his family, his friends. Would you really expect him to only see you when he comes home? Maybe talk to him about having his first night back in the country to be just the two of you for dinner or something and then see his family and friends on the Saturday/Sunday?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your opinions… Wow. I’m quite surprised to be honest. Just to clarify, of course I don’t expect him to only see me when he comes to Ireland.

The way I see this is, moving abroad is only advantageous for him. He is advancing his career, he is making lots of money. For me it means having a bf only one night per month, pissing off my boss asking for days off, spending a fortune in flights and being exhausted with 48h travelling every second month.

“In fairness, when you go to there you're only there to visit him and he probably has nothing to do all weekend but entertain you but when he comes home he has to fit in you”

True, but it also means that when I get in trouble with my boss, stressed out with travel arrangements and broke paying for flights, it is all to see him. When he does so, it’s to see family, to drink with the lads and yeah, hopefully the gf will hang around too and he might have some sex. Hence my resentment.

Plus, we are both in our late 30s. I’m surprised to hear that it’s normal to expect that from now on he will spend 36h with his mommy, 12h with "the lads” and 3h with the gf…

PS. Unfortunately none of us can take more days off work and stay longer in each country.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - it might not seem fair to you, but that's just the way things are. There are more people who want to see him here when he comes home, than want to see you when you go over there.

I think you're a bit annoyed, and exaggerating the time (36hrs, 12 hrs, 3 hrs etc) to suit you! If you were with him at his house, and on the night out with the lads, then you spent more than 3 hours with him. He didn't spend 36 hours alone with his mother (!)

With LDR you need to find what works for you. If you going over there so often isn't working for you, then you need to change that. If it really is annoying your boss, although if you have annual leave, then there is no reason your boss should be too annoyed over it. But if it IS annoying your boss, and risking you losing your jobs then you need to change the arrangement a bit.

Every LDR is different and you have to work out, as a couple, what works for the both of you.

While it would be nice to spend more time just the 2 of you when he gets home, you have to accept that when he comes home it's to see everyone.. not just you.

CaraMay

Why would it be annoying your boss especially if it's two days every second month?

Did you discuss and agree this move? If do why are you now annoyed about the fact that it's a good move for him? Can you move there?

Ld is not for everyone. Maybe you are someone who can't deal with it. You need to figure it out and move on if it isn't (and it really sounds like it isn't) for you.

meeeeh

It was his first visit after moving away. I think you are a bit unrealistic in your expectations. Besides nobody is forcing you to visit him.

I think you have to decide whether ldr works for you but sometimes it is no one in particular to blame for things not to work out. I can understand why you feel neglected and I think the worst part of ldr is that issue can fester a lot longer because there is no proper contact with the other person.

As a separate issue, are you two getting new batch of holidays in new year? Maybe you should plan longer visits spaced apart a bit more. I found that easier because travel can be very tiring.

R.D. aka MR.D

LDRs don't work for everyone. Have you got any plans set in stone like marriage and kids or is it still a wait and see thing? I wouldn't be spending all that money on a wait and see.

My current relationship has been long distance on and off since the 3rd month we were together! I hate it. I wouldn't do it if i didn't know exactly when it was ending. We have both agreed upon the fact that a long term long distance would never work for us. We've hopefully got at least a year of living together now and then we'll probably have to see again.
It's important to know what's going on and how you both feel. I think if you don't it builds a lot of resentment.

Basically, do you think he is worth all this hassle?

kippy

Apologies for the bluntness but if you are both in your late 30's and want marriage and kids you need to make some decisions on the relationship. You dont have the time for an extended LDR.
Either you have to make a decision to move there or he has to put a timeline on his plans.

Merkin

kippy wrote: »

Apologies for the bluntness but if you are both in your late 30's and want marriage and kids you need to make some decisions on the relationship. You dont have the time for an extended LDR.
Either you have to make a decision to move there or he has to put a timeline on his plans.

I agree. Aside from your resentment at his spending time with his family and friends (wanting to do so is only natural) you'd need to have some idea where the relationship is going.

At the start of your post you said you don't know if you'd consider moving there and you don't know whether he will be moving back. If you're to conduct a LDR you need a very clear end date in site for when you're going to be together again, otherwise this could just stretch on ad infinitum and lead to disappointment. Maybe too if you know he is serious about you you won't feel so resentful and annoyed at him sharing up his time between everyone.

I don't live in Ireland but when I do come home, time is so so precious and is so hard to catch up with my lovely friends and family and actually spend time with everyone, don't deprive him of that. I'd see the weekends that you travel as couple weekends and the weekends he travels as more sociable, busy ones.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you very much for your replies and insights. Good points here.

Yeah, this is the thing, there is no end in sight. He is super serious and committed, but realistically he won’t be moving back in the next couple of years. Which basically means “take it or leave it”, i.e. either I leave all my life/friends/apartment behind and move to a country which I don’t really like or I have to break up with him.

Even when he lived in Ireland, we would get to see each other twice a week, one day the two of us and another day with his friends/family (I usually prefer to see my friends individually, so I can have quality time for my friends and for my bf). So we don’t have the experience of spending hours together and getting on each other’s nerves and having fights over small things and seeing what each other is like under stress and whether we make good decisions regarding money. I think it’s very important to have experienced these things before moving in together! And more so if I’m to emigrate because of him.

When the LDR was suggested, I was hoping that we would be in a better position to assess our long term plans and how we get along on a daily basis, as I assumed I’d be staying at his house and he would be staying at mine for longer periods of time and we would work together as a grown up couple. But instead it became more of a “teenager” relationship then before, with him staying at his parents and going out with the lads when in Dublin.

Maybe it is a cultural thing (both of us are from different nationalities), but if he comes home every month or second month, I don’t understand why he must see 20 different relatives in 4 different households (lots of siblings) and 5 different groups of friends *every single time* he visits. Heck, does anyone actually get to see all their relatives and all their friends with this frequency even when they live in the same city?? And how does he expect us (me, in this case) to take such a major decision regarding future directions when all of our experience as a couple is going for drinks and dinner?

So I’m not supposed to be selfish and ask him to not see one of his mates for one afternoon so we can spend more time together and get to know each other better, but he expects me to give up my entire life to follow him? The reason I want to see more of him when he comes over is not because I’m clingy and I want him all to myself, it’s because I want to know what I’m getting myself into, so I don’t regret making such a tremendous life-changing sacrifice in the future just for the two of us to end up unhappy when we are 40.

Aaaaargh. Thank you for your opinions.

CaraMay

Have you talked to him at all about this op? You are making perfect sense to me (apart from asking if he needs to see all his family when home - he obviously does) but you need to explain your concerns with regard getting to know each other better and how he sees that happening. Maybe for him, seeing how you interact with his family etc shows him what he needs to know about you.

I think you need to talk about this before you make a decision.

Big Bag of Chips

This is a very personal situation, and realistically one that nobody here can advise you on. Ultimately, only you know whether or not you can sustain the relationship as it stands. How long are you together? It just seems quite unusual for me that you are in a long distance relationship, yet don't seem to really know each other at all.

You also seem to be waiting for him to make some sort of decision rather than you laying out on the table what YOU want from the relationship. I think a very serious chat is needed between both of you. Both of you need to be honest about what you want and a time-frame you feel happy with. If you both want to be together then it is obviously going to mean sacrifices, on both sides.

His first visit home (even first few visits) might be a bit up in the air. But in time should settle down. It seems silly that he has to travel to each house to see his family. Maybe in time he will figure it out, or you could suggest it, that they all come to him! So they know the weekend he is home, and they all arrange to call over to him one of the evenings, rather than him doing a flying visit to each house everytime.

The relationship doesn't seem very established, and the LDR is also a new situation further complicating things. You are the only one who can decide what you are happy with in your relationship.

purplekitty

LDR can totally work out, as long as you are willing to put in the effort.

I was in a LDR with an amazing guy who did a scholarship in Tasmania for a year. I think it seems like when you are at home (Ireland), it feels like you are doing all the hard work while he is over in a new country having all the fun, meeting new people seeing new things.

But i also know what it is like being the person in the other situation (I lived in Canada for a year) and i missed the person at home soooo much, felt like i was in a foreign country with no-one i know, while he is at home with all his friends, able to go out all the time. hahahahaha

He probably tried to squash everything in his journey home last time, but the fact you where there shows that you guys wanted to be together.

Its hard, but worth it

LegacyUser

I can understand why you are a tiny bit hurt, but I don't think you are being at all fair.

You two haven't agreed any expectations / goals / rules, yet you seem to have decided that he is 'failing' the expectations that you have in your head. You also seem to expect him to change his long-standing loyalties to family and friends, and to prioritise a relationship that you describe as 'teenagers'. You want him to do this so that you can 'test' how you two get on. This seems to me that although you are sacrificing 2 days annual leave every two months (which can't be considered a big deal), you want him to at least partially sacrifice his existing relationships for your relationship, which seems to be in its infancy.

I think the fact that he is happy to include you in everything when he comes home is good - but you seem to want to at least partially exclude everyone else in his life - not good.

Scarinae

I'm in a long-distance relationship myself, and I found the early stages of the long distance part the most difficult as we took a while to adjust to it and had slightly different ideas of how it was going to work. You said you're together a year, but I'm not sure how long you've been long distance for? I agree that you need to talk to him about it, as he may not even realise that you're annoyed.

Another poster suggested longer visits spaced further apart, this could work well as you'll spend less time and money travelling and won't be squashing everything into a weekend - I know this has the downside of seeing each other less frequently, but it's worth considering

LegacyUser

Dear all, OP here, sorry for going back to an old post, but some updates.

First of all, thank you for your replies and suggestions. I'll give an update of the situation and in the end I'm asking a few questions. (in case you guys wanna skip this ridiculously long post, sorry)

So I did talk to my partner about the resentment I was feeling about the amount of effort each one of us was putting into this relationship.

To clarify, I don't have proper "annual leaves". My work is based on short-term projects and I get paid per project, so taking days off during a project is a big "no-no" with my boss because it affects the continuity of the project. Even if he allows it, if I take 2 entire days off (which are spent on the road exhausting myself between 2 flights, 2 buses and a train), that means working overtime for weeks to make up for it, on top of the exhaustion of the trip itself. Spending longer times at each other's locations is not possible either.

Traveling to his country is also madly expensive, and I am currently on minimum wage, even though he is earning a fantastic salary. I am paying myself for all the expenses to go there and to be with him for 2 days locked up in the house as the town has no tourist attraction other than old bars and the weather is dreadful. So in order to spend 48h with him watching DVDs, I am spending half of my monthly salary (no exaggeration here), exhausting myself with traveling arrangements, annoying my boss and working extra time for weeks in a row to make up for it.

He came to Ireland another two times. One time I wasn't here and he had all the time for his family and friends. The other time he came he said this would be "our time together" but maintained the same routine - during 4 days, he met with 5 different groups of friends for lunch/dinner (no exaggeration), went shopping, had one family dinner with all members (which I attended), one night out with a large group of friends (which I attended), one event with one sibling and extended family (whom he had seen at the dinner), another event with another sibling and extended family (whom he also had seen at the dinner). The two extra family events were a bit of an imposition from said family members but he felt uncomfortable saying no.

I refused to go along to the "extra" events and "extra" meeting with friends (even though I was invited to) as I was exhausted. So the time we had together was the family dinner, the night out with the lads, and just the two of us was one night in watching DVDs, 2 hours after the family dinner when we came to my place and 2h in the afternoon while he watched a film on TV getting ready to meet "the lads".

I love him very much and I know he loves me too. He is very serious about us and wants us to talk about having babies in 1 year time. Which means I need to get a job either in his country or in a nearby country within driving distance. But he doesn't know what my fav cartoon as a child is, probably doesn't know my fav band, didn't know what to get for my birthday ("not sure what kind of stuff you like"). And I don't know any of this about him either. These are silly examples, but what I'm trying to say is that compared to other bfs I had in the past, it feels like this relationship - or rather getting to know each other as real persons - is developing very slowly. And due to us being middle 30s and having big decisions such as emigration and marriage ahead (which he is actually more pushed about than I am), we don't have the time for it.

Btw, this is his first long term relationship, I forgot to mention this before.


I really appreciated very much the following suggestions from your guys:
- gather his friends and family together in single events to avoid him having to go to several households
- communicate all this more directly with him
- make sure we are on the same page about an end date
- meet in a "neutral"/between places so we both put the same effort

So here I would like to ask you guys for further suggestions and opinions, and I'm sure other people in this situation can also benefit from this thread and brainstorming, so I hope I'm not coming across as "greedy" by asking for further help. I'd also ask specifically:

-do I have unrealistic expectations regarding how much we should know about each other after 1 year together?

- if we are on very different wages levels and he is the one benefiting from this move and I am the one spending a lot of time/energy just to see him - is it fair to accept some financial help from him to deal with the traveling costs? (he did offer, but I felt uncomfortable accepting it. I think I'd prefer if he had paid for dinner or bought/made a thoughtful gift - which could be a card! - than handing me cash... )

- None of his family members or friends made the effort to visit him even tho he is living in the new country for 6 months now. Is it fair that I put my foot down and say "no" when he is over here for 3 days, has already seen all the family and all the friends, and on the day that was designated for us, family and friends want to see him for a 2nd time?

Thank you very much.

brandom

Hi OP, just a little perspective from someone of around your age who has been doing the LDR thing for the last 2.5 years
First off, my bf and I only get to see each other about 3 times per year, sometimes four if we are lucky and can arrange it, but you can be very sure that when we do get to see each other, time for us is very much a priority. Now our circumstances are slightly different in that we are each from different countries, but all the same when I visit there are still meals etc with his family and friends and vice versa when he comes here, but no matter how much we cram in to the visit we are both of the opinion that making time for each other is key.
To answer your specific questions
Are your expectations unrealistic - no I don't think so, I mean its not necessary that you know every last detail, but I think after a year together you should have a pretty good idea of each others tastes and favourites, things like music and foods etc must surely have come up in conversation
The financial help? Well in my case I am the one who makes significantly more money than my OH so I tend to do the lions share of the travelling, something which worried him initially as he thought it was an unfair burden on me. I have also helped him with travel expenses in the past, and would not even hesitate about it, as far as I am concerned we are in this relationship together, and it means getting to spend more time together then I think its money well spent. He much like you was reluctant at first, but we talked it out and eventually agreed on what would work best for us
I think you can probably guess my answer to your third question, no its not fair, but he is letting it happen, and I really think that is something you need to talk to him about, because in order for your relationship not just to survive but to grow and develop, that alone time is something that you both badly need..I guess the question is how badly does HE want it ?

Big Bag of Chips

I think your relationship hasn't a solid enough grounding for you to be even considering babies, to be honest! I with my husband 14 years, and he wouldn't know my favourite childhood cartoon, nor I his.. I don't even know if I had a favourite! But the overall impression I get from you is you feel you don't know him very well, and feel he doesn't really know you.

You are not even living in the same country and there is talk of babies. He isn't moving home, and in your previous post you say you don't want to move to his new country because you don't like it. I know you say you love him, but do you really? Can you love him when by your own admission, you spend and have spent in the past, very little time alone, just the 2 of you. I'm just wondering what it is you are getting from this relationship? Talk of having children is a big leap for a couple who haven't lived together, and who don't seem to have any immediate plans to live together. You don't seem to have actually talked about the future with him at all.. an "end date" as you mentioned previously. And now he is pushing for marriage and children?

You don't have to answer this, but do think about.. your posts are full of frustration and annoyance at how much you are having to put into the relationship for very little return... so what is so special about this relationship that you think you couldn't get in another, more "traditional" relationship?

ElleEm

Completely agree with Big Bag of Chips. It seems like you don't really know each other that well. What sort of contact do you have during the days/ week? There is no reason you can't be having deep, intense conversations over the phone/ email and actual spend time getting to know each other better. I find it shocking that he didn't know what to get you for your birthday- you've been together a year! My brother and his long distance girlfriend cook dinner together over Skype frequently, when I was in a long distance relationship we used to text or speak on the phone for hours at night. Can you start doing stuff like this?

I wonder if it is your ages that are creating the leap to marriage and kids talk when really, by your own admission, you haven't really EVER spent that much time alone.

You definitely seem to be putting in a lot of effort financially and emotionally, but he really isn't putting in that much effort. I would have imagined that he would want some quality time with you when he returns, but he seems to lack priorities.

Merkin

What is your communication like in between visits? You only get to learn things about your partner through communication so lengthy chats, emails, letters, Facetime or Skype.You don't actually seem to know other so well as the weekends he's home it's a whirlwind of social activities and while you're there it seems you're watching DVDs. Are you actually having lengthy daily communication and deep and meaningfuls?

iusedtoknow

Merkin wrote: »

What is your communication like in between visits? You only get to learn things about your partner through communication so lengthy chats, emails, letters, Facetime or Skype.You don't actually seem to know other so well as the weekends he's home it's a whirlwind of social activities and while you're there it seems you're watching DVDs. Are you actually having lengthy daily communication and deep and meaningfuls?

This is probably the most important thing. How much a part of each others daily life. When myself and my wife were dating, in an LDR with us both living in our respective countries, we were a pretty big part of each other's day. SMS, email, chat and a specific "movie" night once every 2 weeks where we'd watch a movie together and just chat over it, albeit over skype. Sometimes it wasn't possible as she was in an intense study environment, but each other always took priority whenever possible.
Sure, it doesn't replace being with each other, but it helps matters.

You really need to ask yourself, are you getting everything you need from this relationship, and if not - are you OK with that. If not, are you going to the one to try bridge that gap? Do you want to?

ronjo

alkdfadafddalfhfasfda wrote: »

- if we are on very different wages levels and he is the one benefiting from this move and I am the one spending a lot of time/energy just to see him - is it fair to accept some financial help from him to deal with the traveling costs? (he did offer, but I felt uncomfortable accepting it. I think I'd prefer if he had paid for dinner or bought/made a thoughtful gift - which could be a card! - than handing me cash... )

Just on this point. When I was dating my girlfriend in early stages (now married 6 years) we were in different countries. I was earning a lot more than her and I paid for every flight.
For me it was a no brainer, I took that job becuase the cash was so good so I thought it was fair.
We used to visit each other almost every weekend also.

pow wow

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be honest about expecting that he would spend a fair chunk of the time he is at home with you, given that you've talked seriously about marriage and babies. I think you're right to be concerned that he isn't investing that time in you and your relationship when he's home. It's not that he should feel that he has to spend time with you, it's that he should want to, and his family and friends would more than understand that if he's as serious about you as you say.

The resentment you have now, both toward the situation and to him, is only likely to grow as the time goes on. I'm not saying you should break up, but part of me does think you could be posting here in another 6/12/18 months about how the relationship ended and asking how you missed all the signs that looking back were there. Sometimes you meet who you think is the right person but the timing is off and life is moving you in two different directions.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

I'm sorry it took me a while to reply. I wanted to thank very much all of you who replied to this post and gave excellent suggestions, opinions and insight. It means a lot to me and I read each one of them very carefully.

I talked to the guy about these topics and at first I thought things improved a bit. I think he was finally able to realise why I was resenting him/the situation so much.

With that said, due to technology problems (or lack of interest on his part?) he is still not able to use Skype after 5 months abroad (bad internet connection, "hassle getting broadband" - in a country that is highly advanced technologically!) and our communication has been pretty much 5-10 min calls on the phone in the evenings. And this is an improvement after I complained that we didn't get to talk much - before it would be 5-10min calls every 3rd day. This is all good in a real life relationship, but I feel like it's not enough when you don't ever see the person.

I'm really exhausted at this point tbh. Maybe I am clingy. But I'm having a very stressful time at work and with my family and I could so with some tenderness/support and yet I can't rely on him not even to chat about those things. I can't have any physical contact with him. He simply is not part of my life, not more than any random co-worker you exchange a few friendly texts every now and again. And yet this LDR prevents me from meeting anyone suitable in my own city who could hug me, talk to me, go to dates together and be intimate. I think I'm starting to realise what I have to do...Sigh.

Thank you very much again, you guys were really supportive and helped a lot.

Merkin

Sorry to hear that OP. This relationship really isn't going to go anywhere so you're better going your separate ways. I know it's hard but see it as an exciting opportunity to meet someone really special who will actually be accessible and there to share your life with you! Best of luck x

CaraMay

It's clear that you yearn to get to know him better yet he is just happy that he has you and doesn't feel he needs to deepen the relationship.

Neither of you are wrong but it's making you unhappy and he doesn't appear to be willing to change enough.

It might be best to call it a day and see what happens in the future if he moves home. As it is now, it's just not enough for you and that's fair enough.