Crippled by loneliness

LegacyUser

I've come to realize that the cause of my current depressed state is predominantly loneliness, the problem being that I dunno how to go about changing it. I'm a recent college graduate but have been unemployed since finishing. I've no brothers and sisters and I've a very limited number of friends who I rarely see. I go on facebook and see loads of my "facebook friends", i.e people I went to school with or whatever but aren't actual friends, being invited to 12 pubs of Xmas and all sorts of parties. I get nothing like that. The only time I have any contact with the outside world is 3x weekly visits to the gym on my own and maybe a few pints at the weekend if one of my friends is free. It's a pretty horrible feeling to be in my early twenties and nobody really knows me.

It's a horrible thought but I always think, if I died tomorrow, barely anyone would show up at my funeral. And even less people could show up and say they knew me well. I've done nothing with my life except make sure I done well in exams and in college. Never attempted to be that social in college due to shyness. Feel so behind everyone else socially.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have recognised that your loneliness is down to shyness and not making friends, then you are a step towards fixing that.

Shyness can be a crippling thing, but with effort it is something you can get past. Have you anything you are interested in? Anything you would like to get involved in? There are clubs for everything! I'm probably like a broken record on here, encouraging people to join a drama group! But drama groups are great places to meet people, and be part of something that gives you a great buzz. You don't even have to be on stage. There is loads of work that needs to be done in the background, and always too few people volunteering for those parts!

Put yourself out there. Nobody is going to come knocking on your door to bring you out, you need to make the step first of all.

And don't take too much notice of Facebook... Everyone on it seems to have a very exciting, full social life! "Real life" is different

thegreatgonzo

lonelyasfook wrote: »

I've done nothing with my life except make sure I done well in exams and in college. .

At your age you don't need to have achieved much more honestly. Give yourself your a break. Some people go to college and spend their time getting pissed and either failing or coming out with a crap degree and regretting it bitterly later.
It's never too late to become a socially active person and I think it's your being unemployed that is making you feel so negative about yourself and your achievements. I second all the advice you got in the last post there.

judgefudge

One thing I would say is Nevermind Facebook. The vast majority of people only ever post if they're doing something interesting, they're not going to post about spending a Friday night in reading are they.

That being said if you are unhappy with your social life it's up to you to change it. Join clubs, talk to strangers, try to open up a bit

jantheman91

lonelyasfook wrote: »

I've come to realize that the cause of my current depressed state is predominantly loneliness, the problem being that I dunno how to go about changing it. I'm a recent college graduate but have been unemployed since finishing. I've no brothers and sisters and I've a very limited number of friends who I rarely see. I go on facebook and see loads of my "facebook friends", i.e people I went to school with or whatever but aren't actual friends, being invited to 12 pubs of Xmas and all sorts of parties. I get nothing like that. The only time I have any contact with the outside world is 3x weekly visits to the gym on my own and maybe a few pints at the weekend if one of my friends is free. It's a pretty horrible feeling to be in my early twenties and nobody really knows me.

It's a horrible thought but I always think, if I died tomorrow, barely anyone would show up at my funeral. And even less people could show up and say they knew me well. I've done nothing with my life except make sure I done well in exams and in college. Never attempted to be that social in college due to shyness. Feel so behind everyone else socially.

I'm living the same life with the exception that my best friend lives in Spain.

I'm not really someone who should be giving advice on this subject as i'm struggling myself. I just thought you might take something from understanding that there is someone of the same age as you in the exact same situation.

loalae

I was in a similar situation. It's really crap I know. Being shy is so difficult.

What I did was I joined a running club. It took a few weeks of going there twice a week before people started to recognise me and then they started being friendly and talking to me. I've found that as long as you're open to people talking to you, they usually will.

I don't think there's any quick fix solutions to making friends. Friendship is something that gradually builds up but you have to be around people often enough for anything to develop.

So my advice would be to find something you genuinely enjoy doing and join a club that does it regularly (at least once a week). Go to club meetings and gatherings and after a while your social circle will get bigger.

Friends aren't going to come knocking on your door - you've got to go out and let people know that you're worth knowing!

AlabamaWorley

I read a great quote the other day

"We compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

Something to think about.

LegacyUser

I recognize that unemployment may be making my situation feel twenty times worse but still, it's extremely depressing to be my age and not have a very active social life. I know people only highlight the good things about their life on facebook, but still it feels quite pathetic when a lot of your facebook friends are posting about 12 pubs, nights out in town etc etc. The limited number of friends I do have are in relationships and aren't really interested in the whole club scene which I kinda am. Well a club or a bar takes preference over what they always insist on which is sitting in one of their houses and drinking. And it's not like I can join a meetup group for "people who like nightclubs. I just feel so abnormal for my age. I'm not extroverted by nature so the whole joining a club thing seems daunting. My only real interest in terms of group orientated activities would be 5-a-side soccer but there's no meetup groups for that in Dublin. Just to show how sad my social life is here's an outline of my typical day

9am: wake up, have breakfast, look for jobs
10am: Go to the gym
1pm: Have lunch, go to the library
3pm: Internet for 3 hours
6pm: Dinner
7pm: Internet for 3 or watch soccer then internet
10/11pm: Read
12: Bed

Rinse & repeat this for practically 7 days a week and it becomes very dull. sometimes i'll do something different like attempt to teach myself a language, but still, no social interaction in my typical day

SPM1959

Been in the situation you were in many years ago. As others have said you need to get out there to meet people. Easier said than done but you need to leave your 'comfort zone'.

Start volunteering, join a sports club etc. If you keep doing what you are doing now, nothing will change.

ivytwine

One thing I would say- as I post this late enough on boards lol- is to maybe cut down on your internet usage? Up to six hours is a LOT of time in a day to be online and I don't know if it's helping your frame of mind tbh.

It's still very early days in the scheme of things but there is increasing research showing that blue screen light (smart phones, laptops, tablets etc) is not good for your sleep patterns, therefore not good for your mental and physical health. If you do have to be online late maybe download a programme like Flux which imitates natural light.

Also, lots of research showing that Facebook is bad for mental health, which I am not surprised by at all.

Anyway, I was in a situation a bit like yours, still kind of am, I'm working now but only part-time. Cost of going out up here is preventing me from having a full and active social life.

There are actually groups on MeetUp dedicated to going out, there are groups that go to gigs, others that meet up for drinks and clubbing, so the option is there. It's very intimidating to meet up with strangers, but do remember, people have joined the groups for the exact same reason as you- to meet new people and pick up their social life.

Things come so easily in college. All those clubs and socs, all those house parties, all those cheap taxis- sigh! Unfortunately being out in the world- well it sucks. But you can make it a little easier on yourself, you just have to take the plunge.

I'm not particularly sporty, but would checking out the FAI be an idea for finding five-a-side and other clubs in and around Dublin? Soccer is so big here, there has to be five-a-sides you can join