Help with a sick friend

LegacyUser

I have a problem that I would like some input on. I will try to be brief and not overly detailed as the person in question is a dear friend and I would not like to make either of us identifiable.

My background: history of depression / suicide attempts / general mental health issues. Spent in excess of 10 years going from therapist to psychiatrist and I tried I don’t know how many combinations of meds etc, and finally this year everything came to a head and I managed to make progress in therapy and come off my meds. It’s not really important or relevant to the issue at hand, only to highlight that I understand mental health and I have been to rock bottom.

The problem: I have a friend who also suffers from mental health issues. She has been in and out of hospital over the past few years and this year she worked really, really hard and got her life back on track and went back to work and such. At the moment she is in a rough patch and needs support but is refusing to seek help. For example, on Friday she told me that she is feeling suicidal, yet she refuses to contact her therapist, GP or psychiatrist. She also did (what I consider to be) a mean thing – she turned off her phone after she told me she was actively suicidal. I know she is still alive – she has been on facebook. Eventually today she contacted me but she is very low and refusing to seek help – she said she is waiting for her mood to hit rock bottom and then she will get the courage to do something but she refused to clarify if that “something” was get help, or harm herself.

So I am in a bit of a bind. On form, this girl is great. She really is. Heart of gold, do anything for anyone. But right now she is in a bad place. I am currently okay – in the sense that I am not having negative thoughts. But the more interaction I have with her currently, the worse I feel. I feel helpless, useless. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I know the names of her medical team – should I contact them to let them know how bad things are with her? I don’t know if that is the wrong thing to do though. I am the only person she is speaking to at the moment (she hasn’t been in touch with any of our mutual friends recently) so I don’t want to break her confidence by contacting her team because if she gets mad at me she won’t talk to anyone else and she will essentially be left with nobody.

I hate seeing her like this and I want to help but I don’t know what to do.

TL;DR: Suicidal friend – should I contact her doctor, even though she would hate me for it and it would leave her with no-one?

Morag

Some times we have to step back and let the professionals deal with the people we care about.
Esp when there is a risk to ourselves, it's called the life guard principle.
I would talk to your friends dr, I hope they get the help they need and that they will come to see that you did
what you considered to be the best for them.

LegacyUser

I too have a friend who suffers from mental health issues.

Early intervention, I find, means that they recover more quickly. There will be initial resentment for sure, but when they are back on track they realise that you did what you thought was the best thing for them.

Hitting Rock bottom is never a good idea.

ivytwine

Funnily enough, I was talking to a few people on Saturday about this issue. We had experienced the fallout from intervening with friends with serious mental health issues. It had backfired on both of us. Unfortunately it's not like TV, where your friend will go, "Oh yes, you're right, I am suicidal/anorexic/bipolar! Guess I better go and get that sorted then. Thanks, you're such a good friend!"

As you know mental health and real life are messier than that.

I think you do need to preserve your own health first OP. You have plenty of your own stuff to be dealing with and you don't need to step back. I know this sounds heartless but you must prioritise your own mental health.

Is there any family or other friends you could confide in about your friend, as well as talking to the doctor?

Be warned there maybe fallout. Good luck OP you sound like a great person and friend.

sylvergirl

Does she have family you could alert? Personally, I'd err on the side of caution and rather break a confidence to get help rather than just wait it out and hope she comes to that decision herself.

I've done it before where I've gone to a family member's GP and told them in confidence that the person wasn't doing well, they managed to approach the family member in such a way that the family member never knew I'd alerted the doctors to how they were doing. I'm sure your friend's care team would do the same thing if they've any sense - just contact her like it's a routine check-in on how she's doing and not say to her that you've been telling tales about her, not that I even think that's what you're doing.

For your own sake, I think you'd feel some bit relieved if you told someone else who could look out for her as it's too much for you to handle on your own.

LegacyUser

I still haven't done anything about getting help for my friend.

She told me she made an appointment for her GP for this week, and told me that she went and told the GP everything. And that the GP said that everything was fine, that it is okay for her to be off her meds.

She is still experiencing suicidal thoughts. I was brave and I asked her outright if she had a plan etc. She said she doesn't but is researching methods. I know she has a stash of medication as she hasn't been taking her meds for about 4 weeks now.

I don't know if I mentioned it in my OP but a guy we know killed himself recently. I know it stirred up memories for me.

I feel like a) I would be breaking her trust by talking to her GP and b) that it's not my place or responsibility to look after her when I am going through a rough patch myself.

CaraMay

Tell her gp and family.