Christmas after miscarriage

Isolt

Hi boardsies,

On Monday my partner and I were told that our unborn baby had passed away some weeks ago. This was my first pregnancy. We couldn't even be sure of our dates, one doctor reckoned 8 weeks, the other said 10 weeks. However, baby was tiny and died around 5.5/6 weeks.
My body didn't recognise the death and I was still getting pregnancy symptoms and positive tests. If we had not had that scan I would still be carrying a dead baby inside me. The medical term is a 'missed' or silent miscarriage. I had an ERPC on Friday and said goodbye to the baby then.

Here is where I need your advice. My heart is broken, in every sense of the word. My partner feels the same. Christmas is everywhere and getting closer and closer and we have nothing bought, nothing sorted, no Christmas tree etc. I just don't care about it. Our 12 week scan was supposed to be Dec 31st. We have our work Christmas parties the week after next, we are visiting family etc but it feels like everything has changed and that there is a huge part of us missing. We are trying hard to try get on with things but we even feel guilty if we laugh at something funny on tv, or talk to friends/family about things other than the baby.

I know miscarriage is very common (everybody's been telling us this!) so there must be lots of people who are in this situation right now as well or who have been. How did you survive Christmas?
How did you stop the grief affecting your relationship with your partner?

The_Conductor

Isolt- there is no point in saying you'll get over it, or you will cope- it is a loss, and you and your partner are grieving, regardless of what anyone tells you.

We tried to do a little ceremony at home, and released a balloon- and stood and watched as it disappeared up into the clouds.

Don't feel you have to celebrate Christmas- or that you have to put on a brave face in front of people- it is a loss and you are grieving, you need time out, and above all else, be there for one another.

Its hard- and Christmas is a time when its all pushed in your face- its difficult not to let it overwhelm you.

Make sure you're there for each other- that is the best you can do.

Thinking of you.

iusedtoknow

my wife miscarried recently, we had planned even though it being a bump to be involved in christmas/dia de los reyas. She would usually be pretty practical about things especially medical (Shes's a doctor) but the pregnancy really captured her and the miscarriage blew us both sideways as we were both so excited about the whole thing.

We were at a later stage, however we had a little ceremony with a humanist celebrant and threw a bottle containing a picture of the scan, what her name would have been and a letter from us both (our advisers at the hospital gave a few ideas about how to mark it).

Do not feel you have to press on with life at the moment, you're mourning for what life your baby had and the life that you had imagined for yourself. Don't rush it, if you do feel the need to talk to experienced counsellors about it, do it. If you feel like going to the christmas party, do - if not....don't. You do not owe your workmates or family anything.

I would recommend however telling your boss about it, to keep it quiet, but just to explain why you won't be there. I know at 10 weeks you probably didn't say anything, but this will ease things.

As for christmas...do what YOU and your partner want to do. If you want to just sit at home and ignore it...do that, or if you want to go away for a few days by yourselves to get your heads together....do that....it is what we're doing.

And whatever happens, keep talking with your partner and get through the grief together. In a weird horrible way, this experience bought my wife and I closer together.

thnking of you at this time, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy

meeeeh

I'm was not overly affected, at least not emotionally. Anyway by third miscarriage I treated pregnancy up to 12 weeks as not being pregnant at all. You should grieve if you need to and I think there is also some support service, at least I was handed some leaflets in the hospital. But don't feel guilty for laughing at jokes or going out. Do what you feel like doing and not what you think you should be doing or feeling.

CaraMay

Op I'm sorry for your loss.

Please don't feel that you have to do anything other than get from day to day and get by as best you can. Take any little bit of pleasure eg laughing at a joke when you can as you are suffering a lot.

neemish

Sending you and your partner hugs.

Take this time to grieve. Don't try to rush it or put it aside. There are some excellent ideas in other posts. Maybe take one or two that sound ok for you.

If you haven't told anyone that you were pregnant, maybe have a chat and see who it might be best to tell. Maybe immediate family, best friends, line managers. Explain that this is a difficult time and that you and your partner need your space together to deal with this.

Put Christmas as a last priority. If you need to buy gifts, go on to amazon and have presents posted to family. If you don't feel you can put a tree, don't. The world will not end if you spend Christmas quietly and perhaps a little differently.

If you can afford to, consider going away for a few days just after Christmas. It sounds lovely and romantic to those who don't know your circumstances, and means that you can spend time together while using the excuse not to visit people. Mostly, do what feels right for you. Take each day as it comes.

Mind yourself, and be gentle with yourself and your partner.

John Mason

i have had many losses, one of which was a mis-mis. eveyone reacts and grieves differently.

you need to do what feels right for you. please don't compare your loss or grieving to anyone's. it is a very personal and individual experience.

you can also contact Miscarriage Ireland

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

Legs.Eleven

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.


Someone very close to me very recently had a miscarriage and this thread is good advice for me also to understand what she might be feeling. I understand that it is a real loss for her and all she hoped for as I'm sure is the case for you too. It's something I never gave much thought until now but now I'm understanding how she and other people who've gone through this must feel.

Whatever you do, talk about it. I know she feels so much better having talked about it so much the last few days. Grieve but understand that not everyone will understand what you're feeling. I don't know if there are groups or counselling services specifically for couples who've gone through a miscarriage but I really think that would be helpful to talk to people who know where you're coming from.


Good luck, OP. I wish you all the best for the future and hope your pain subsides to some degree in the near future.

Neyite

I miscarried twice this year, and had one previous missed miscarriage. We plan to have 3 little porcelain stars on our tree as a little way of remembering them. It may help to pick a name, and to do a little ceremony to mark their passing.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. if you want to forget, or not talk about it, or if you want to remember, or talk, do whatever feels right for you. Remember that your partner might deal with grief in a different way from you, and helps the relationship to try and remember that.

It gets better, but you don't really ever forget them. And Christmas is a difficult time for losses.

Isolt

Thanks for all the advice. I'm really sorry to see so many of you have suffered the same loss, seems so unfair. I am having a really angry day today but it seems to be a normal enough response to what's happened.
I feel angry, irritated and snappy but I've been surrounded by a lot of people so probably just need to unwind in quietness. I suppose there's no quick fix, I'll keep Christmas very basic and try not to worry about it. Dreading my scan date coming around but again, I can't prevent it coming so I'll have to just stay busy.
There seems to be pregnant women and babies everywhere. I spent 10 mins in town and came back home. I hope that won't continue to be an issue.

uck51js9zml2yt

my wife miscarried last year while abroad visiting her family so I didn't get a lot of time with her afterwards. I had to call the rotunda to cancel her appointments.
She felt it more than I did but her GP back here put it into perspective for her and helped her a lot.

He told her to look at the women in his waiting room on her way home and remember that 25% of them will have had a miscarriage. It brought her out of herself to realise she wasn't alone in the experience and to get past blaming herself on doing something wrong.

To finish the story, she gave birth at the weekend to a beautiful baby boy and we bring him home tomorrow. Just because you have one miscarriage doesnt meant you'll have another.

LegacyUser

I am so sorry for your loss. I was pregnant with my first last Christmas and since then I've had two devastating miscarriages. I too am dreading Christmas and do not plan on doing the work party circuit etc..I have 2 suggestions for you. First ask your hospital to refer you to their support services - this may be a social worker or a psychiatric midwife or bereavement specialist. On my first loss, I had no clue help was there as nobody told me and it was truly awful. On my second, I found the support from these services almost life saving. So I strongly advise you do the same, even if you're nit normally the counselling "type".

Secondly Rollercoaster.ie has an amaZingly supportive pregnancy loss forum which is a wonderful space to share your feelings and get support from people who know how you are feeling

. Finally. On a really dark day, when I felt beyond alone and half mad with grief, I called the Samaritans. They were amazing. So don't ever feel totally lost, help is there. All the dates like scans etc will feel impossible but you will get through, I promise, even if it means asking for help.

Isolt

Tristan Rotten Donkey wrote: »

Just because you have one miscarriage doesnt meant you'll have another.

Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I really hope this will be true for me and that I never miscarry again.


Thank you to everyone who posted. It's become clear to me that there isn't a quick-fix way to just feel normal again. One day at a time.

December2012

Hi OP,

If it helps, please also remember that others may be going through something similar or just as devastating. Christmas can be so difficult when the big important things aren't there.

As in, people.

One year I spent the entire Christmas period watching a loved one die. I was, at the time, also grieving for another relative who had died earlier in the year.

I still had to be festive for the kids, but there were times when I wanted to bawl crying. And I did - sometimes in public too.

If you had seen me on "a good day" or "at a good time" you might think that I had everything great. However, that time may have been the only light in my day.

I know you are not wishing ill on others, and I can tell you have a real understanding of love and the value of people, so please don't take this as a "sure we've all got our crosses to bear" piece of advice - that's truly not my intention.

Just please, if you can, take comfort from the fact that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. If you find some moments of joy, enjoy them without guilt. If you want to cry, I hope you can.

It's really sad that you lost your baby, it really is.

I'm sure you would be devastated if it was any time of the year. Christmas sometimes has a forced joyousness to it. So, bear in mind that you don't have to feel joyful if you don't. And maybe somebody else's joyousness is because they have a grief or a void they are trying to fill.

Be kind to yourselves.