Deceived or not?

LegacyUser

I am currently in a relationship with a man and we have a 16 month old boy, we met 3 years ago but our relationship only lasted for 1 year and we split up for various reasons, we remained in contact and slept together twice during the breakup the second time resulted in me becoming pregnant, he was all over the place but no way was he going to commit to me, he kept it a secret and no one on his side knew until about a week before my due date, his family are wonderful and our relationship blossomed into a really loving relationship about 4 months after our little boy was born, here's the thing, when i was pregnant i found out only last weekend that he was seeing another girl, his friend told me assuming that i knew this, I confronted him and he made little of it, saying i didnt tell you because there was nothing to tell. look i know we werent together when I was pregnant but i am devastated he went there with someone else, i feel it was disrespectful to me and our unborn child, everything has been great up until now and we are still ok but i just cant shake the hurt. have I any right to feel this hurt though?

frag420

you were not a couple then. move on and concentrate on the three of you now!!

Merkin

I agree. You weren't actually in a relationship with him then so it's not like he was cheating on you. If he has been a loving and supportive partner and father since you reconciled then I wouldn't ruin things for myself by fixating on something that happened some time ago and when you weren't even together. Let it go.

Stavro Mueller

It's possible that he didn't want to tell you about this other girl for fear of messing things up now. It's an awkward sort of conversation to have and maybe there just wasn't a good time to say something. The important thing to remember is that he's with you now. If he'd wanted that other girl, you and he wouldn't be in a relationship now.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys I know what ye are saying is right, i have a habit of over analyzing things, I was shocked when i heard this, but i would not like it to ruin what we have, we are a family and love each other, wish we realised this from the beginning, it was tough during my pregnancy with thinking I was heading into parenthood on my own with some support from him but not the way I could have imagined it now, guess i just move forward now and look to the future.

Czarcasm

despairingme wrote: »

I confronted him and he made little of it, saying i didnt tell you because there was nothing to tell. look i know we werent together when I was pregnant but i am devastated he went there with someone else, i feel it was disrespectful to me and our unborn child, everything has been great up until now and we are still ok but i just cant shake the hurt. have I any right to feel this hurt though?

Firstly OP while it's true you weren't together and all, I would still agree that yes, it was disrespectful and I'd see it as he was hedging his bets between both of you. He at least owed you that much to tell you and his making little of it and downplaying it is still being disrespectful to you.

It's not even a question of do you have a "right" to feel hurt, the fact is it DOES hurt, and your boyfriend at least needs to acknowledge that it hurts, instead of trying to play it down. The more he tries to play it down I imagine the more it's going to hurt and frustrate you.

I would suggest that you try and help him understand that you can't help but feel hurt by the way he treated you and that in future you'd like him to respect you enough be able to talk to you and not hide things from you.

You can't change what's happened in the past, but you both can certainly learn from it to prevent things like this from happening in the future.

Balaclava1991

despairingme wrote: »

I am currently in a relationship with a man and we have a 16 month old boy, we met 3 years ago but our relationship only lasted for 1 year and we split up for various reasons, we remained in contact and slept together twice during the breakup the second time resulted in me becoming pregnant, he was all over the place but no way was he going to commit to me, he kept it a secret and no one on his side knew until about a week before my due date, his family are wonderful and our relationship blossomed into a really loving relationship about 4 months after our little boy was born, here's the thing, when i was pregnant i found out only last weekend that he was seeing another girl, his friend told me assuming that i knew this, I confronted him and he made little of it, saying i didnt tell you because there was nothing to tell. look i know we werent together when I was pregnant but i am devastated he went there with someone else, i feel it was disrespectful to me and our unborn child, everything has been great up until now and we are still ok but i just cant shake the hurt. have I any right to feel this hurt though?

He is a cheat and liar and he obviously has no respect for you.
He only got back together because you were pregnant and he couldn't avoid it.
He sees you as a soft touch and to be quite honest you were and even more so now because you need him to be there for the kid because it needs its father.
You have to stand for yourself and tell him that he had better be loyal to you or else he can walk and he'll never see his kid ever again.
If that doesn't make him snap out of his manipulative deceitful behavior nothing else will.
If plays along and then goes back to his old ways then cast him loose.
He has only one last chance to rescue the relationship or else time is up.
He needs to be confronted about his behavior and you need to lay down the law.
He is not a single man without responsibilities anymore.
He is a grown man who needs to cop himself on.

December2012

Where is the deception? You weren't together at the time so he didn't cheat on you. And he probably knew your reaction even if you "found out".

If you guys got back together in a loving relationship and you put your past problems behind you then why are you bringing them up now?

Honestly you're better off focusing on the good and not the past.

It would be very unfair of you to break up with him over this.

Czarcasm

December2012 wrote: »

Where is the deception? You weren't together at the time so he didn't cheat on you. And he probably knew your reaction even if you "found out".

There's the deception and the reason for it right there. The OP was never made aware that her boyfriend had been seeing someone else, a fact which could indeed have had an effect on her decision to get back with the guy, so he hid it from her.

If you guys got back together in a loving relationship and you put your past problems behind you then why are you bringing them up now?

Because the OP was unaware of the circumstances until a friend of the guy mentioned it to her recently thinking she was already aware of the circumstances.

Honestly you're better off focusing on the good and not the past.

It would be very unfair of you to break up with him over this.

It'd be better altogether if she could get her boyfriend to see how this has affected her, because it was equally unfair of him to deceive her and then try to downplay it like it was nothing. He's had time to deal with it, but the OP is only finding out about it now. Naturally that's going to hurt.

I don't think the OP is talking about breaking up with the guy though, I took it to mean she was wondering is she making too big a deal of it. I'm sure they could meet somewhere in the middle on the issue.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here, i did try and post a reply earlier so apologies if two appear together sounding similiar!!! I think I just expected him to have some morals when I was pregnant and not go around 'kissing' someone else, I will put it behind me, things have worked out so well between us, like a proper family now and our son is a happy little man, i would never take him away from his dad as someone suggested in a post above, we werent together at the time but it still hurts as I was carrying his baby and it seems I am the last to know about this, I love him and im confident he loves me too, I really want to carry on now and not let it taint our relationship, finding it hard and in a way has taken the good out of my time carrying my son and giving birth to him as I thought well we arent together but we were on good terms, im waffling now and trying to find faults, got some great advice here and im taking it on board, time to move onwards and upwards, im afraid to bombard him with too many questions but there are questions unfortunately, so I do feel a little deceived but maybe more stupid than anything, i have always loved him even when we werent together.

Jenneke87

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

You have to stand for yourself and tell him that he had better be loyal to you or else he can walk and he'll never see his kid ever again.

That will do the child a world of good, growing up without his father because he was not"loyal". Whatever you do OP, do not do this.

December2012

But he wasn't her boyfriend at the time.

joeguevara

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

He is a cheat and liar and he obviously has no respect for you.
He only got back together because you were pregnant and he couldn't avoid it.
He sees you as a soft touch and to be quite honest you were and even more so now because you need him to be there for the kid because it needs its father.
You have to stand for yourself and tell him that he had better be loyal to you or else he can walk and he'll never see his kid ever again.
If that doesn't make him snap out of his manipulative deceitful behavior nothing else will.
If plays along and then goes back to his old ways then cast him loose.
He has only one last chance to rescue the relationship or else time is up.
He needs to be confronted about his behavior and you need to lay down the law.
He is not a single man without responsibilities anymore.
He is a grown man who needs to cop himself on.

This is a very harsh post. He is not cheating now and everything seems to be good in the relationship. Yes he was with someone at the beginning, but not when you were together. Maybe he should have told you but he didn't. I think you have the right to be hurt but to do the above would be insane. Laying down laws is and telling him that it is possible that he will never see his child again is insane. Tell him you are hurt. Explain the reason why you are hurt. Ask him why he didn't tell you. Then once it is in the open, draw a line and move on for the best of your relationship and your family.

Czarcasm

December2012 wrote: »

But he wasn't her boyfriend at the time.

It's all well and good to say "but he wasn't her boyfriend at the time", but that's glossing over the fact that they had previously been in a relationship, then broke up and they continued to see each other, the OP became pregnant and he was seeing another girl at the time, while the OP was pregnant, and he didn't consider it anything worth telling her before they got back together?

I just think it would've been a highly relevant factor for the OP in deciding whether they should get back together at the time or not, and the guy kept it from her, thereby denying the OP the chance to make a decision with the full facts to hand.

December2012

To be honest OP it doesn't matter what any of us would say or do. It's up to you how you feel. However you titled your thread "Deceived or Not?" - it's my opinion you were not and that if you have an otherwise good thing, you should both work through it.

littleblackDRS

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

He is a cheat and liar and he obviously has no respect for you.
He only got back together because you were pregnant and he couldn't avoid it.
He sees you as a soft touch and to be quite honest you were and even more so now because you need him to be there for the kid because it needs its father.
You have to stand for yourself and tell him that he had better be loyal to you or else he can walk and he'll never see his kid ever again.
If that doesn't make him snap out of his manipulative deceitful behavior nothing else will.
If plays along and then goes back to his old ways then cast him loose.
He has only one last chance to rescue the relationship or else time is up.
He needs to be confronted about his behavior and you need to lay down the law.
He is not a single man without responsibilities anymore.
He is a grown man who needs to cop himself on.

Have you even read the OP?
He was single at the time..
He didn't cheat. He was free to do what he wanted. Manipulative deceitful behaviour? Where is the manipulation?
I understand that the OP was upset to learn he had been with someone else, but he was a single man at the time, and he's done nothing wrong.

clairefontaine

Technically its lying by omission. Maybe at the time he didn't owe you the truth, but his silence makes it significant. If its not a big deal, why hide it?

The significance however, doesn't necessarily have to do with what it meant to him, but how he anticipates or interprets your response. Obviously he knew it would hurt you, and yes while technically he was free to do what he wanted, it can't be nice to hear he was sleeping with someone forging new bonds, while you were pregnany with his child and a big new responsibility on the way.

To me it looks like an immature error in judgement, forgivable, but also somewhat of a character weakness, but I'd be pretty worried if he couldn't understand the hurt and take some responsibility for that.

I also think that by withholding this, he denied you the chance to make a informed choice when it came to reconciliation, so your choice was made without all the facts. He needs to understand this.

Balaclava1991

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

He is a cheat and liar and he obviously has no respect for you.
He only got back together because you were pregnant and he couldn't avoid it.
He sees you as a soft touch and to be quite honest you were and even more so now because you need him to be there for the kid because it needs its father.
You have to stand for yourself and tell him that he had better be loyal to you or else he can walk and he'll never see his kid ever again.
If that doesn't make him snap out of his manipulative deceitful behavior nothing else will.
If plays along and then goes back to his old ways then cast him loose.
He has only one last chance to rescue the relationship or else time is up.
He needs to be confronted about his behavior and you need to lay down the law.
He is not a single man without responsibilities anymore.
He is a grown man who needs to cop himself on.

Even if the rest of this post contained pure gold (and it doesn't), I'd discount it because of this outrageous rubbish.

Using your kids to enforce an ultimatum is stupid, selfish and destructive to the child and the relationship, even if it works.

rainbowtrout

despairingme wrote: »

Hi Op here, i did try and post a reply earlier so apologies if two appear together sounding similiar!!! I think I just expected him to have some morals when I was pregnant and not go around 'kissing' someone else, I will put it behind me, things have worked out so well between us, like a proper family now and our son is a happy little man, i would never take him away from his dad as someone suggested in a post above, we werent together at the time but it still hurts as I was carrying his baby and it seems I am the last to know about this, I love him and im confident he loves me too, I really want to carry on now and not let it taint our relationship, finding it hard and in a way has taken the good out of my time carrying my son and giving birth to him as I thought well we arent together but we were on good terms, im waffling now and trying to find faults, got some great advice here and im taking it on board, time to move onwards and upwards, im afraid to bombard him with too many questions but there are questions unfortunately, so I do feel a little deceived but maybe more stupid than anything, i have always loved him even when we werent together.

Being pregnant with his child and being in a relationship with him are two different things, in your case they were anyway at the time. You state yourself that you were on good terms but weren't together.

You weren't in a relationship with him, so he was free to see other people. His commitment at the time was to the baby only. You have since got back together and you should probably move forward and forget about it if you want to keep the relationship going.

Chattastrophe!

At the time, as far as he was concerned, you had broken up. He probably had no idea you were ever going to get back together, so he had no reason to stay celibate "just in case".

And I don't think you should be annoyed at him for not telling you. So long as he was safe, what he did when you were both single was his own business.

I think you really need to forget about this and move on. If things are good between you now apart from this one issue, it's certainly not worth falling out with him or feeling resentful over it.