She still talks about her ex ALL THE TIME!

deangelo barksdale

Hi all, just wanted to ask the questions in regards to my new GF (4 months).
She was in a relationship with a guy who sounded like a real piece of work, yet he dumped her and she is still in contact with him.
They had what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and he sounded like he had serious issues. She also said that they got into a really vicious argument and he slapped her, yet she goes out of her way to excuse his behaviour.
They are still friends on Facebook and I think they are still messaging each other. She keeps her mobile to hand at all times - I would never go snooping but I have started to notice that she will even bring it into the shower with her?
I don't want to dictate who she can or cannot speak to but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that this is not appropriate. Due to some details that might identify this guy, I can't really say too much, suffice to say he sounded like a disturbed, sadistic piece of filth and I am confused why anyone would want anything to do with him in the first place. I am starting to really resent his name being brought up all the time, yet I mentioned an ex a few (literally less than a dozen) times in casual conversation and I was told I am 'always talking about her'. I haven't mentioned her since, I really have no feeling for her at all but I did do some really funny stuff with her - it was over a decade ago anyway and I have had zero contact.
Anyway, what to do? Break up? Have an argument? I'd prefer not do either but am starting to feel that there is three of us in this.....

Big Bag of Chips

Why not point out to her that she is "always talking about him". Her reaction to that should give you an indication of what to do next. If she gets very defensive and "protests too much", then you know she is still too hung up on him. And maybe it's best to move on. Or if she hasn't realised what she's doing, it might make her think about it and amend her ways. And you can continue to go out.

HalloweenJack

Definitely bring it up with her. This is obviously a problem for you and your relationship and if you don't bring it up it will fester and grow.

Bringing it up with her will give you an idea of how she feels about him. If she's not willing to let this guy go for the sake of your relationship, you'd be better off breaking up and looking for someone else.

From what you've said, her behaviour sounds very concerning. You can give her the benefit of the doubt and air it out with her but if that doesn't change, then you're better off cutting your loses and moving on.

deangelo barksdale

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why not point out to her that she is "always talking about him". Her reaction to that should give you an indication of what to do next. If she gets very defensive and "protests too much", then you know she is still too hung up on him. And maybe it's best to move on. Or if she hasn't realised what she's doing, it might make her think about it and amend her ways. And you can continue to go out.

The last part is the reason I have yet to say anything. If I do say something and she does get very defensive and 'protest's too much' then I will know it's time to move on.

I don't want to, but it will come to a head if I don't say something.

Thanks for the words.

P. Breathnach

deangelo barksdale wrote: »

... If I do say something and she does get very defensive and 'protest's too much' then I will know it's time to move on....

If you bring the subject up, you are not creating a problem: you are addressing a problem that is already there.

From your opening post, I see a possibility that she was in an abusive relationship. It can be very difficult to escape properly from such a situation, but unless she manages to do so, you and she will not succeed as a couple.

deangelo barksdale

P. Breathnach wrote: »

If you bring the subject up, you are not creating a problem: you are addressing a problem that is already there.

From your opening post, I see a possibility that she was in an abusive relationship. It can be very difficult to escape properly from such a situation, but unless she manages to do so, you and she will not succeed as a couple.

Yeah your right,she was in a abusive relationship. The amount of times I've fantasised about going around and smashing him up but I know that that would end up with me in jail and her probably dumping me for doing so.

I think I have a sinking feeling that I already know what the end result of any conversations about the whole thing will lead to.

beano345

deangelo barksdale wrote: »

Yeah your right,she was in a abusive relationship. The amount of times I've fantasised about going around and smashing him up but I know that that would end up with me in jail and her probably dumping me for doing so.

I think I have a sinking feeling that I already know what the end result of any conversations about the whole thing will lead to.

Most likely an argument op.I was in a similiar situation before were it was completely alright for her to s@hite on about her ex but I could never even mention other girls not even friends of mine with out a full blown argument a complete double standard and lack of fair play your damned if you do and damned if you dont! In my case she went back to her ex who treated her the same again,my advice is to have the conversation no matter what comes of it at least you can sort it or move on.

maria34

Op think u should just let her go back to her ex. Less heartache and she will do it sooner or later anyway. She is still friends with him after got beaten up? Looks like it wasnt reason enough he needed to dump her. So once he claps his hands she is back like a puppy.

bp

How about each time she mentions his name you mention your ex....might help but in all honesty I think you are a rebound guy and until she lets go of him she will never be free to commit - and letting go means HER dumping him/ HER deciding to cut contact permanently (ps I think you said he dumped her)

LegacyUser

OP are you sure he was as bad as she is saying? i know someone who was going with a girl and she was the same she was obsessed with her ex and would make up stories about him eventually her boyfriend attacked him because he believed all this ****. but her ex was never bad she was stirring up the **** the whole time because she felt scorned

Loughc

bp wrote: »

How about each time she mentions his name you mention your ex....

Don't do that, that's very immature there's never a need to go tit for tat!

MugMugs

Loughc wrote: »

Don't do that, that's very immature there's never a need to go tit for tat!

Could be the shock she needs though.

In saying that you don't want her to have to feel like she's holding back around you either.

Call a spade a spade and ask if she wants to get back with him.

Cards on the table.

P. Breathnach

A person who has been in an abusive relationship does not need a slap, either a physical one or a psychological one.

OP, if you really want to save your relationship, you should confront her, but in a supportive rather than an adversarial manner. If she is unwilling to recognise that she was abused (which, sadly, often happens) then you have a huge hill to climb, and it might be too much for you. If she accepts that she was abused, she may need professional help to get past it.

She needs to cut all contact with him. That's easy to say, but it might be very difficult for her to do. Don't set it down as a short-term ultimatum: you might be demanding more than she can deliver immediately. It might be a medium-term target.

It won't be at all easy for her, and it won't be a cakewalk for you either.