advice needed!!!!!

becca2013

I was going out with someone called john for nearly 5 years, we then broke up over trust issues and constantly argueing. 6 months later me and my ex still talk but just as friends. the last 2 months his cousin has got in touch with me and has told me that he always had a thing for me for years even when I was with my ex. me and alan (exs cousin) always got on when ever my ex's family met up alan would always stay and chat with me. we have similar intreasts and always got on so I didn't think any thing of it. so few weeks ago when he told me he was into me it came as quite a shock. we have spent the last few week texting and talking on facebook and I really have enjoyed talking to him. the other day he then asked me would I like to meet up with him for a weekend as he lives far away he told me I could stay in his place. I asked him if the fact that I was with his cousin for ages bothered him and he told me no as they aren't close and never really got on growing up. so the problem really is should I meet up with him or just leave it as im not sure how my ex would react if he found out? but then im thinking should I just do it as I do like him so far just go and see what happens?????my head is wrecked by this he wants to meet up next weekend so I need to decided!!!all help is welcome as this is a tough situation! help!!!!

Lucyfur

MOD

Hi OP,

I have moved your post to Relationship Issues as I think you will get better answers here. Their charter now applies.

Lucy

CaraMay

I wouldn't. Plenty more fish out there rather than your ex's cousin.

ElleEm

I think it is wrong too. It is far too close to home, and 5 years is a long time. Imagine how your poor ex would feel. You used to attend family events with him, then you would be going (possibly) with his cousin. I know if something like that happened in my family, it would be gossiped about and the girl would come off in the negative light.

Merkin

I'd avoid him like the plague. He conceded that he doesn't actually get on with his cousin so you could find yourself being used unwittingly in a childish game of oneupmanship, PLENTY more fish in the sea.

Periwinkle!

I would avoid him. It all ready has potential to be messy. Not a good idea to date other family members after your ex regardless if they got on or not. He was probably just spinning you that line anyway. Also if ye started a proper relationship how would it look with you attending family functions with him and your ex also there. Agree with above posters, plenty of other guys out there who are not connected to your ex 's family.

wallycharlo

Bad move.

Would you not be fairly p!ssed off if the boot was on the other foot?

Czarcasm

becca2013 wrote: »

I was going out with someone called john for nearly 5 years, we then broke up over trust issues and constantly argueing. 6 months later me and my ex still talk but just as friends.

Fairly conclusive opinion by now OP, but if I may ask, when you say "trust issues", were there trust issues on both sides? I mean, you still talk to your ex, who you know doesn't get on with his cousin, and his cousin swooped in there when you'd broken up...

I'd suggest you could be creating a whole lot of trouble for yourself if you pursued any kind of a relationship with this guy. Tbh just from reading your post, it doesn't sound like you're really gone on him anyway, sounds like you thought of him as a friend. Normally I'd have said to hell with how your ex might feel about it, but given that the guy admitted he doesn't get on with your ex, this may well be as Merkin said a way of getting one up on his cousin and using you to get at him.

becca2013

Czarcasm wrote: »

Fairly conclusive opinion by now OP, but if I may ask, when you say "trust issues", were there trust issues on both sides? I mean, you still talk to your ex, who you know doesn't get on with his cousin, and his cousin swooped in there when you'd broken up...

I'd suggest you could be creating a whole lot of trouble for yourself if you pursued any kind of a relationship with this guy. Tbh just from reading your post, it doesn't sound like you're really gone on him anyway, sounds like you thought of him as a friend. Normally I'd have said to hell with how your ex might feel about it, but given that the guy admitted he doesn't get on with your ex, this may well be as Merkin said a way of getting one up on his cousin and using you to get at him.

.
When I said trust issues they were on his side he never trusted me always checking my phone and texts even my facebook had a problem with me even speaking to guys I was friends with and when my exs cousin first started this he had no idea that we were finshed so I'm not sure if he is just trying to get one over on him I see the points that people are making but then at the same time I don't wanna always think wat if I had of met up!so confused

Merkin

So this guy cracked on to you when he thought you were still dating his cousin. He sounds like a charming individual :rolleyes: I really don't know what you have to be confused about. I'm sure you'll be asked out again by someone more suitable so I'd be giving this guy a wide berth.

Czarcasm

becca2013 wrote: »

.
When I said trust issues they were on his side he never trusted me always checking my phone and texts even my facebook had a problem with me even speaking to guys I was friends with and when my exs cousin first started this he had no idea that we were finshed so I'm not sure if he is just trying to get one over on him I see the points that people are making but then at the same time I don't wanna always think wat if I had of met up! so confused

Sounds OP like you want to walk from one bad relationship full of drama into yet another bad relationship full of drama. Curiosity is fine and all that, completely understandable, but there's nothing your ex's cousin has that you couldn't have with plenty of other guys that aren't related to each other and don't have your ex and your ex's cousin's history (geez I almost said your cousin's history there, and I probably won't be the only one to make that faux pas if you get into a relationship with this guy, comparisons will always be made with his cousin, your ex), and from the sounds of it your ex may not be too happy to remain on friendly terms with you when this blows up in your face.

becca2013

Czarcasm wrote: »

Sounds OP like you want to walk from one bad relationship full of drama into yet another bad relationship full of drama. Curiosity is fine and all that, completely understandable, but there's nothing your ex's cousin has that you couldn't have with plenty of other guys that aren't related to each other and don't have your ex and your ex's cousin's history (geez I almost said your cousin's history there, and I probably won't be the only one to make that faux pas if you get into a relationship with this guy, comparisons will always be made with his cousin, your ex), and from the sounds of it your ex may not be too happy to remain on friendly terms with you when this blows up in your face.

I don't understand how is it going into another bad relationship. this guy is more my type and we get on so well that's where im confused

CaraMay

becca2013 wrote: »

I don't understand how is it going into another bad relationship. this guy is more my type and we get on so well that's where im confused

Your mind seems to be made up.

becca2013

CaraMay wrote: »

Your mind seems to be made up.

that's my problem its not seams to be more cons then anything thou

becca2013

at the same time I want to put me first but I don't want to cause drama or hurt anyone

Merkin

becca2013 wrote: »

at the same time I want to put me first but I don't want to cause drama or hurt anyone

You will if you start going out with this person

Czarcasm

becca2013 wrote: »

I don't understand how is it going into another bad relationship. this guy is more my type and we get on so well that's where im confused

becca2013 wrote: »

at the same time I want to put me first but I don't want to cause drama or hurt anyone

Kinda answered your own question there becca tbh. I mean, I did say earlier I wouldn't give a fig what your ex thinks, but then your ex and your cousin never got on, and do you really want to end up playing piggy in the middle between them?

I know what you're saying that you'd always be wondering "what if?" if you didn't at least make a go of it with this guy, but at the same time I do wonder is there a bit of "I know it's wrong, but it feels so right" going on?

You're going to hurt people OP, that's a given, now all you have to think about is this guy worth the hassle? The only way you'll find out is if you try, but be prepared to nip any crap in the bud between your ex and his cousin, or vice versa.

becca2013

Czarcasm wrote: »

Kinda answered your own question there becca tbh. I mean, I did say earlier I wouldn't give a fig what your ex thinks, but then your ex and your cousin never got on, and do you really want to end up playing piggy in the middle between them?

I know what you're saying that you'd always be wondering "what if?" if you didn't at least make a go of it with this guy, but at the same time I do wonder is there a bit of "I know it's wrong, but it feels so right" going on?

You're going to hurt people OP, that's a given, now all you have to think about is this guy worth the hassle? The only way you'll find out is if you try, but be prepared to nip any crap in the bud between your ex and his cousin, or vice versa.

they never got on because they just are so different not cause they hated eachother or anything wonder should I say it to my ex???

Czarcasm

becca2013 wrote: »

they never got on because they just are so different not cause they hated eachother or anything wonder should I say it to my ex???

Well these are questions only you can figure out for yourself becca, I mean, on the one hand you're not obliged to tell him, on the other hand, it's gonna be right awkward when he turns up at his cousin's family events and sees you there with his cousin, potentially causing a scene, etc.

Given your ex's issues with you in your previous relationship with him, plus the fact that you're still on a friendly basis with him, only you can answer for yourself whether you want to tell him or not tbh. You know both of them better than anyone here.

CaraMay

becca2013 wrote: »

at the same time I want to put me first but I don't want to cause drama or hurt anyone

You will cause both and this guy sounds like a piece of work

becca2013

CaraMay wrote: »

You will cause both and this guy sounds like a piece of work

how does he sound like a piece of work?

suicide_circus

becca2013 wrote: »

how does he sound like a piece of work?

You don't date your cousins ex. This is bro ethics. If this cousin is looking to get with you then he clearly lacks character and you will be on the receiving end of this sooner or later.

And you sound very much like your out to cause hurt and drama despite your protestations to the contrary.

thegreatgonzo

If you are able to talk to your ex as a friend why you don't you ask him how he would feel about it. If he was to find out that something was going on between you two later he might be very hurt about it.

becca2013

suicide_circus wrote: »

You don't date your cousins ex. This is bro ethics. If this cousin is looking to get with you then he clearly lacks character and you will be on the receiving end of this sooner or later.

And you sound very much like your out to cause hurt and drama despite your protestations to the contrary.

well maybe people cant help who they like??

Im not out to cause drama or hurt if I was I would of just met up with this guy straight away without second guessing it don't you think

freshpopcorn

Honestly I wouldn't do it because I feel it would be wrong.(I'm not saying I'm write)
You seem to want to do this do so I say do what you think is right for you but they might be consequences if you do decide to date him.

suicide_circus

becca2013 wrote: »

well maybe people cant help who they like??

Im not out to cause drama or hurt if I was I would of just met up with this guy straight away without second guessing it don't you think

you cant help who you like but you can help what you do about it.
Beaidea, this whole family are gonna have a prettt low opinion of you as you drift from one of their sons to another.
Sounds like you've made up your mind to go for ot anyway

homemadecider

becca2013 wrote: »

well maybe people cant help who they like??

Im not out to cause drama or hurt if I was I would of just met up with this guy straight away without second guessing it don't you think

If you want drama = date the cousin

If you don't want drama = don't date the cousin

It's genuinely that simple.

Personally I think it would be very poor form to go out with your ex's cousin. Try a dating website or something.

ladygirl

Becca you are either one of the following

Extreemely Naive or just as sneaky/two-faced as the cousin!!!


Do you honestly believe you could conduct a relationship without hurting anyone??
Yes - you cant help who you fall for but you can decide what to do about it!!!!

If you go ahead with this - I think what you would be doing to your ex is the lowest form of low.. Not only will I think that - but his family and all his friends will also think that. Are you willing to be responsible for a MASSIVE fall out of a family because that is what you are potentially messing with..


This cousin is a sneaky little rat, and as a previous poster said - if you pursue this you too will be at the receiving end of this one day!! (KARMA)

Its as simple as this - there are PLENTY more fish in the sea!!!!!!

I wish your ex boyfriend all the best in life the poor guy looks like he will need it..

becca2013

im neither of those things.please dont feel sorry for my ex he put me threw hell and back.and how is the cousin being sneaky?

Merkin

becca2013 wrote: »

please dont feel sorry for my ex he put me threw hell and back.and how is the cousin being sneaky?

Do you think perhaps there is an element of vengeance or spite in wanting to get together with his cousin? Are you hoping secretly that he'll be annoyed?

The cousin does sound like a sneaky individual. You're not long broken up with his cousin, he should have had enough decency to leave you alone.

Big Bag of Chips

The cousin is sneaky because he was hitting on you when he thought you were still going out with his cousin. You said yourself he didn't know you were finished when all this started.

You obviously want to go for it, so go for it.

Ande1975

becca2013 wrote: »

I asked him if the fact that I was with his cousin for ages bothered him and he told me no as they aren't close and never really got on growing up. so the problem really is should I meet up with him or just leave it as im not sure how my ex would react if he found out? but then im thinking should I just do it as I do like him so far just go and see what happens?????my head is wrecked by this he wants to meet up next weekend so I need to decided!!!all help is welcome as this is a tough situation! help!!!!

Becca just read your op...
Posters here can only advise based on the information you provided. Everyone is clearly saying don't go there but you are looking for someone to tell you otherwise.
You posted looking for advice concerned about how your ex would react and that your head is wrecked. Your gut instinct was confirmed by posters.
Now you are defending the cousin and knocking your ex.
At the end you are going to do what you want... so do it and suffer the consquences.

becca2013

Ande1975 wrote: »

Becca just read your op...
Posters here can only advise based on the information you provided. Everyone is clearly saying don't go there but you are looking for someone to tell you otherwise.
You posted looking for advice concerned about how your ex would react and that your head is wrecked. Your gut instinct was confirmed by posters.
Now you are defending the cousin and knocking your ex.
At the end you are going to do what you want... so do it and suffer the consquences.

I actually posted this because I wanted peoples opinions on the situation who doesn't know the people involved as my friends have just gave me answer of go with the cousin cause of how my ex was with me. im not defending anyone either. still dont know what to do about it

ElleEm

How would you feel if your ex started dating your cousin?

Czarcasm

becca2013 wrote: »

I actually posted this because I wanted peoples opinions on the situation who doesn't know the people involved as my friends have just gave me answer of go with the cousin cause of how my ex was with me. im not defending anyone either. still dont know what to do about it

becca2013 wrote: »

so the problem really is should I meet up with him or just leave it as im not sure how my ex would react if he found out? but then im thinking should I just do it as I do like him so far just go and see what happens?????

becca you have a mind of your own. There are times when you're going to have to stand on your own two feet and stop asking everyone else what you should do when nobody knows you better than you know yourself. The more people you ask, the more people are going to give you different opinions, and those opinions can only be based on what little information you give those people and the way you put that information across.

The only person who can really answer this question is the only person who will have to deal with the consequences. Your friends won't have to deal with it, nobody here will have to deal with it. You'll have to be the adult in this situation and make whatever decision you feel is best for you. That way the only person who is responsible for taking charge of their own behaviour is you, because if things don't work out, blaming everyone else for telling you what to do will achieve nothing. You gave them that opportunity when you asked them for their opinion.

jdsk2006

Your instincts appear to be screaming at you to explore this guy.
I personally always regreted ignoring my instincts with hindsight so my motto now is to follow my gut

meet him. He could be the man that makes you incredibly happy