Work Comes First - Not Like him?

ShaShaBear

My partner started a new job back in August after a long spell of being unemployed and literally bending over backwards to try and find anything that paid. The job seemed perfect, using all his skills and things he actually enjoys doing, the co-workers were pleasant and friendly, his boss seemed like a good man. But they've bitten off more than they can chew with working commitments, and the hours that my partner has to work is incredible. I've seen him do 15 hour shifts with no break (illegal in his line of work) and he doesn't get paid for them. Rather they go on a time-sheet and he gets given extra days off on the newer work rotas week by week. He says that an extra day off is just as good to him, but we both know he wants the money. He's owed over €500 in extra hours worked since he started.

When we found out I was pregnant, we figured it couldn't hurt to be owed hours that he could take off for appointments and such, but its becoming clear that my partner is afraid to approach his boss an ask for any time off. He's only asked him for one day off for a very urgent meeting, and literally days before he was due to take it, his boss made him reschedule the appointment because he could no longer take that day off. I just got my appointment for my first scan in the post, it's later than I was told it would be because of the Christmas holidays. 6 weeks from now in fact. And my partner is refusing point blank to even ask for the day off. He insists he won't get it because its the busiest week of the year for him, and that Monday is the busiest day, and that his boss will never give him the day off to meet his child for the first time. I think he's afraid to ask for it, and to be honest I don't want to change it. I've already had to cancel and change appointments to suit his work schedule and my college schedule. I've tried to explain to him just now that he's owed the hours tenfold, its not for 6 weeks, and surely his boss is not going to refuse him the day off, or even a half-day to go to a scan appointment.

I told my partner that obviously I've been given the earliest available appointment, and asking for a reschedule could easily mean we could be waiting even longer. This scan is also necessary for me to complete my booking into my chosen hospital, so delaying it is essentially delaying all of my care. I haven't even had my blood pressure taken yet! He is adament, however, that he will not get this day off, and that I better reschedule it or he won't be able to attend.

It's really hurting me that he'd rather threaten to miss the first scan than actually ask his boss, who he has bent over backwards to please, if he could book a day off using hours he is already owed to attend a scan appointment and meet his child.

I guess what I want advice on is if I should try to reschedule this appointment, even though I know it could delay everything even more, or should I let it go ahead and see if he is willing to make the effort to stand up to his boss and take some time off!

strandroad

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I guess what I want advice on is if I should try to reschedule this appointment

Only if he asks at work about a suitable time first and you can get that...

ShaShaBear

mhge wrote: »

Only if he asks at work about a suitable time first and you can get that...

I don't think he would even ask to be honest. He left for work at 5.45am this morning to start at 6.15, and he will likely not be home until 10pm tonight (work is 20 mins away in the car). I've tried talking to him about this - the hours are not on and he always gets nabbed to do it because he is afraid to say no. 14 hours in a van with no breaks is not acceptable, and dangerous, and it's bad enough that I barely get to see him during the week (and even some weekends as they are now bringing Saturday work in and already do week-about on Sundays) and now he wants me to rearrange the pregnancy around his boss

DeltaWhite

Oh my god that is so not fair

You poor thing! Congrats on the baba by the way

ShaSha - me thinks you are going to have to lay this out for him. He will just have to suck it up and speak to his boss.. It's unfair to even suggest missing the first scan! It's not like he is going to be gone all day is it?

He really needs to work on his confidence with the boss, I had this issue with my boss for AGES, and then I decided one day that I wasnt going to give a toss what she thought when I needed a day off or a half day. And it worked
She is just a moany person in general and I've noticed she carries on like that for a lot of stuff so it was just her manner in how she dealt with things. So now I dont even bat an eyelid, I just go straight in, ensure nobody else has the day off and I TELL her I need the time off. Because ASKING sometimes doesnt work

How could his boss possibly not understand that he has a scan to go to? This aint like a trip to the dentist, in my eyes it's something that shouldnt be missed!

ManOfMystery

Your other half needs to wise up. Having a baby is a life changing event, and going to the baby scans is one of the memorable things that are part and parcel of that whole package. Seeing your baby for the first time - even if only on a screen - is hugely emotional.

Your partner's apparent lack of interest and co-operation in this is a bit of a red flag for me if I'm honest.

Also, he needs to be a bit more assertive with his boss. I can understand that he doesn't want to go back to unemployment (and perhaps he's feeling the pressure even more now that he's going to be responsible for a child), but that doesn't mean he has to bend over backwards for every employer he ever works for. He's not asking for anything unreasonable here, just a bit of time off here and there.

I think you need to sit him down for a proper chat and explain that there is a way to compromise here (by him cutting his hours a bit), but that he's going to have to be willing to co-operate a bit. What does he plan on doing when the child is born? Is he going to grow a set and tell his boss then that the hours must change, or is he just never going to have much time to spend with the child at all?

ShaShaBear

I just want to point out that with regards the baby he is very much on board. My non existant bump gets a kiss every morning and night and he regularly stops to tell the baby how much he loves it already. Hes very excited to be a dad.

But he seems to be terrified to approach his boss over any time off or money/hours owed and yes the boss is a whingy type too!

I just dont think my partner realises how important this scan actually is. My college exams are the following two weeks to the scan date so a reschedule could mean almost February!

LegacyUser

A bit of perspective wouldn't go amiss here. What employer would think that going to see a scan is an exceptional event? It's not.

Have the scan and bring the photo home. Your boyfriend does not need to be there and, I doubt, you don't need his presence when it's being taken. (YOur BF only needs to be present at the conception, any other time in the pregnancy is optional, though the birth is an experience he should not miss, though many fathers cannot be there)

Give him a break, let him get his feet under the table, work wise, and let him save up as much time for you for when you really need him to be with you?

elaney

Could you try and book a private scan maybe before the hospital appointment for a Sunday?. I know they are expensive but i did that with my first child as my husband was working all hours at the time. I brought my sister to the hospital appointment with me. When my husband was more settled in his job he was more confident in speaking to his boss about working hours.

ShaShaBear

elaney wrote: »

Could you try and book a private scan maybe before the hospital appointment for a Sunday?. I know they are expensive but i did that with my first child as my husband was working all hours at the time. I brought my sister to the hospital appointment with me. When my husband was more settled in his job he was more confident in speaking to his boss about working hours.

He's more than settled at this stage, he's on excellent terms with everyone, but his boss knows right well that my partner is the most competent staff member and that he never says no.
I could probably organise this but I'm juggling a Thesis and my final year of college and going to Dublin for a private scan and paying extra money we don't have just to accommodate my partner's fear of telling his boss he needs a day off to take me to the hospital when I could just to go Monaghan and get the one that I'm supposed to get for free is a bit silly. There are going to be more appointments and scans and I don't drive so eventually I'm going to be too big to get the bus.

He needs to know that this baby is more important than his employer's stress levels when the work is not done to my partner's standards when he takes a day off.

username123

He probably just needs to break the ice regarding asking for time off and once he does it once it's done and he will be less worried about it next time.

Ultimately the world does not stop turning when someone takes a day off work. If you or someone else close to him had an accident (touch wood), I'm sure he wouldn't think twice about leaving work to get to you.

I've quite a selfish attitude to work. My life comes first. Always. I have been the person to go the extra mile and you don't get thanks for it, and if the company goes under you are just a number.

I also know what moany bosses are like, but you have to be able to ask for time off and just ignore the moaniness.

MissFlitworth

It sounds like he might be really, really anxious about not rocking the boat so early on in a new job. Which is understandable (the anxiety that is, not the boss who is clearly aware that he's going above and beyond and is afraid to say no) because he's not there that long, he's still in what would be a probation period in most jobs, he was unemployed for a long time and found it hard to get work and he is going to have a baby to support and you as well when you are on maternity leave. That could really, really be stressing him out and making him very worried about losing his job if he's 'difficult'. I know it still sucks that he won't ask for a day off but if it is coming from a place of fear & anxiety rather than just saying no for the sake of it maybe you can help him to feel more secure in himself a little, somehow.

fits

I think I would give your partner a couple of days without talking about this. I hope with a bit of time he will realise that his priorities are a bit skewed on his own.

ShaShaBear

MissFlitworth wrote: »

It sounds like he might be really, really anxious about not rocking the boat so early on in a new job. Which is understandable (the anxiety that is, not the boss who is clearly aware that he's going above and beyond and is afraid to say no) because he's not there that long, he's still in what would be a probation period in most jobs, he was unemployed for a long time and found it hard to get work and he is going to have a baby to support and you as well when you are on maternity leave. That could really, really be stressing him out and making him very worried about losing his job if he's 'difficult'. I know it still sucks that he won't ask for a day off but if it is coming from a place of fear & anxiety rather than just saying no for the sake of it maybe you can help him to feel more secure in himself a little, somehow.

He's not in a probation period, he is under a scheme of re-employment that means he cannot lose his job with undue cause for a whole year.

But yeah, I think he is afraid of rocking the boat, without realising that telling your boss you need one day off that you can give 6 weeks notice for in order to meet your first child for the first time is entirely acceptable.
It's not like he is even asking for an extra day off, he is owed 22 hours from last week alone!!

He's been very touchy since he got home, as it happens I cannot reschedule as the only dates available conflict with my exams, and the doctor didn't want to leave it much longer. So now he knows he either has to ask for it off or is going to have to miss it.

strandroad

ShaShaBear wrote: »

He's been very touchy since he got home, as it happens I cannot reschedule as the only dates available conflict with my exams, and the doctor didn't want to leave it much longer. So now he knows he either has to ask for it off or is going to have to miss it.

Fair enough. To be honest, if he is to ask for a day off for the first time it would be hard to find a better reason.

dellas1979

It could be one of two things, I think.

The first is he avoiding it (for some reason). Not saying he doesnt want baby or anything of the sort, but has he come to terms with it? Is he scared.

The second is he genuinely feels like he cant ask for time off, like letting his boss/work down. But the thing is, hell actually be letting himself down, as hell miss the scan.

evolving_doors

Have you considered going to the scan by yourself? Its not like the baby will miss him... maybe you might be building up the whole sentimentality of 'meeting the baby for the first time' thing. Maybe you could get a friend or relative to go with you instead.

ShaShaBear

I wouldnt say he is avoiding it. He asked if we could start trying for a baby so it was a planned pregnancy. He seems genuinely sad he might not be able to make it, but he doesnt seem to realise that no way in hell would his boss refuse him.

I dont think its overly sentimental to want my partner there for at least the very first scan. God forbid if something was wrong Im sure he could never live with hearing about it after work and knowing I had to go through it on my own. Never mind the visual experience that he wont get again for months, if at all when he is so insistent about not asking for time off.

username123

The problem is that if you force him to ask for the time off, the good will be gone out of it that you had to force him.

It needs to be him who is the driving force in wanting to be there and ensuring it happens.

ShaShaBear

username123 wrote: »

The problem is that if you force him to ask for the time off, the good will be gone out of it that you had to force him.

It needs to be him who is the driving force in wanting to be there and ensuring it happens.

I'm certainly not going to force him. I simply told him, once, that work are not going to refuse him time off for it, no matter how busy he knows them to be that day of the week.

He can come to the decision on his own, but I'm just concerned that he isn't more proactive about it.
It's not going to be the last Monday he will have to take off for this baby.

Sleepy

Do you know his boss?

I had to have a stand-up shouting match with a former boss in order to be working in this country for the last two weeks of my wife's pregnancy. He honestly saw no problem in having me working abroade when I could have been needed to drive my wife to the hospital at any moment during that timeframe. And this was a man who actually fought for me when it came to a round of redundancies a couple of years later!

Some people, particularly older men who wouldn't have even been at the birth of their own children, would view it as the fathers role to be out earning money at this time rather than attending what they'd see as "womens appointments".

Your other half could be quite right that he'd be rocking the boat asking for this time off.

One thing though: make sure he keeps a record of all time he's working. Should they fail to keep him on after the year I'd say he'd have a pretty good case for compensation based on breaches of the working time rules etc. At the very least, he'd have to be paid for all un-taken leave that was owed to him.

evolving_doors

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I wouldnt say he is avoiding it. He asked if we could start trying for a baby so it was a planned pregnancy. He seems genuinely sad he might not be able to make it, but he doesnt seem to realise that no way in hell would his boss refuse him.

I dont think its overly sentimental to want my partner there for at least the very first scan. God forbid if something was wrong Im sure he could never live with hearing about it after work and knowing I had to go through it on my own. Never mind the visual experience that he wont get again for months, if at all when he is so insistent about not asking for time off.

Just trust your husband, you might need him to take loads of time off when the baby actually arrives (say you wake up sick one morning! etc.) At the moment its not a necessity. Don't get me wrong though, I was delighted to be present for the first and I know that support is important if anything cropps up. If something does crop up though chances are they won't give a diagnosis the same day as further tests examinations would need to be done.
Right now your husband needs to put a lot of overtime-time in the bank as he'll definitely need to be calling the favours in after the birth.
Are there places that do private scans on the weekends/evenings? Might be worth checking out.

ShaShaBear

Sleepy wrote: »

Do you know his boss?

I had to have a stand-up shouting match with a former boss in order to be working in this country for the last two weeks of my wife's pregnancy. He honestly saw no problem in having me working abroade when I could have been needed to drive my wife to the hospital at any moment during that timeframe. And this was a man who actually fought for me when it came to a round of redundancies a couple of years later!

Some people, particularly older men who wouldn't have even been at the birth of their own children, would view it as the fathers role to be out earning money at this time rather than attending what they'd see as "womens appointments".

Your other half could be quite right that he'd be rocking the boat asking for this time off.

One thing though: make sure he keeps a record of all time he's working. Should they fail to keep him on after the year I'd say he'd have a pretty good case for compensation based on breaches of the working time rules etc. At the very least, he'd have to be paid for all un-taken leave that was owed to him.

Way ahead of you, I had him keeping timesheets at home and he has to do them at work too. He started work at 6 this morning, (had to leave at 5.30) and will not be home until 10PM tonight. That's a grand total of 15 hours driving with no breaks (apart from when he has to get in and out to do heavy lifting) and it's not right. It'll just get added to the long list of hours he's tallied up that he can't take off because they're too busy.

Private scans are not an option on our budget, and since he can work Saturdays and Sundays too it would be pointless booking one, for fear that he'd end up having his hours changed.

ShaShaBear

Armelodie wrote: »

Just trust your husband, you might need him to take loads of time off when the baby actually arrives (say you wake up sick one morning! etc.) At the moment its not a necessity. Don't get me wrong though, I was delighted to be present for the first and I know that support is important if anything cropps up. If something does crop up though chances are they won't give a diagnosis the same day as further tests examinations would need to be done.
Right now your husband needs to put a lot of overtime-time in the bank as he'll definitely need to be calling the favours in after the birth.
Are there places that do private scans on the weekends/evenings? Might be worth checking out.

If he can't even ask for a half day to go to a scan, I seriously doubt he'd ask for a day off because I was too sick to mind the baby