Housemate Issue

danslevent

Not reallt that big of a deal but would like some opinions.

Living in student accomodation this year with three others who I never met before. Two of them are very quiet and keep to themselves while I am very close to another. Have felt the other two housemates don't make an effort and seemed very not bothered. The apartment is very quiet, there wqould be no watching films together or tv in the evenings. One of them always eats in their rooom...

Anyway, one of the quiet, unfriendly girls has asked all of us if it is okay if her boyfirned lives with us fro four months. The housemate I am close to has confided in my that he doesn't want that but said yes because he fetlt awkward and trapped. I don't know how the other feels..but they have all said yes, except for me..said I would think about it.

I don't want to live with a couple, the apartment can be awkward enough and we are paying to have only four people here. This means extra hot water gone and just an extra person around. The main issue though is not wanting to live with a couple. Maybe it won't happen but I imagine her monopilising the sitting room etc...

So I have to give her an answer soon because if I say no then she will be moving out soon and not paying the second semester.

I feel so bad potentially making someone move out...am I being selfish? should I just say yes?

danslevent

Also, I noticed she has been way more friendly lately, obviously building up to ask this. I noticed it and trhought it weird that she was finally making an effort. This has really annoyed me because it seems she was only doing it to butter me up

Katgurl

I would say that you are not keen on the idea but will go with majority rules and if it is decided that she moves in you will put any misgivings aside. And I would follow through on that (making her feel welcome).

As for the other stuff - housemates don't have to be great friends. it sounds like while the atmosphere isn't amazing, it isn't terrible either. You're friends with one of the lads so you're not isolated. The other two aren't acting in an invasive or hostile way, they are just not much company. This is ok IMO.

Cunning Stunt

If she moves her boyfriend in for 4 months then make sure that he contributes to the utility bills for that time. That's only fair.
Do you know if he works/studies, or will he be home in the house all day, using the electricity etc..?

Merkin

Are the bills going to be paid five ways? They absolutely should be if a third person is going to be using electricity/gas/heating etc.

To be honest I think it's a bit of a liberty asking such a thing. You moved in on the proviso that you would be sharing with three other people, so that's why way it should stay. If majority rules though then you are well within your rights to assert that the fifth person split the costs of loving there.

Idle Passerby

Either say you don't want the boyfriend moving in or say the rent has to be divided 5 ways if he does and he will have to contribute to bills etc.

If your so unhappy with the atmosphere in the house maybe you and the person you're friends with should find a place of your own.

LuckyLloyd

Say 'no'. You are paying for accomodation designed for four people, not five. An already awkward and unpalatable environment will become worse quickly, and you'll resent the extra load on the bathroom, kitchen, etc.

You aren't friends with this person, you don't owe her a favour and it is not a request that should be automatically granted (having a friend stay over the odd time would be reasonable, moving a boyfriend in to live full time is not). It is unfortunate that people find it difficult to say no in these situations but that is what you should do and what your friend should have done.

=============

In regards to the general atmosphere, that's the nature of shared accomodation. Sometimes you just click with people and it becomes a comfortable communal environment from which friendships develop and sometimes it doesn't work. That's life. If the girl is not participative then you have nothing to lose by refusing her request.

December2012

Don't agree to it.

You don't want it.

You are being asked for your opinion so be honest.

danslevent

Thanks everyone for the replies.

The atmosphere in the house is fine, I am close to one of them and we have such a laugh. It isn't completely ideal but I like living there and have no real complaints.

Okay, later I will tell her no.... I am going to feel so awkward and feel so guilty if I have to watch her move out though. It will be worth not having to experience four months of resentment and annoyance though.

There was no mention of him Chipping in. It is student so Internet, bills etc are included and just plan a lump sum of 3, 500 for the nine months. If we go over on electricity then it is taken out of our deposit whixh we receive back in september. So it would be awkward enough asking him to chip in.

Pippy1976

You clearly said you didn't want another person moving in, let alone the partner of your current housemate.

Say no. Don't say yes because you feel guilted into it. Who knows, the replacement housemate may turn out to be just as good as the housemate you currently get on well with. Saying no to this girl could be a good thing.

danslevent wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies.

The atmosphere in the house is fine, I am close to one of them and we have such a laugh. It isn't completely ideal but I like living there and have no real complaints.

Okay, later I will tell her no.... I am going to feel so awkward and feel so guilty if I have to watch her move out though. It will be worth not having to experience four months of resentment and annoyance though.

There was no mention of him Chipping in. It is student so Internet, bills etc are included and just plan a lump sum of 3, 500 for the nine months. If we go over on electricity then it is taken out of our deposit whixh we receive back in september. So it would be awkward enough asking him to chip in.

CatFromHue

Also just be aware you're not making her move out, she'll be choosing to do so herself.

While it's never happened to me, thankfully, but the situations where a bf or gf has moved in to any of my mates shared accommodation houses/apartments have always ended up badly.

danslevent

All sorted now. Told her no and she was completely lovely and understanding about it

Thanks everyone, your advice gave me the confidence to be assertive rather than just awkward and passive.

Santa Cruz

danslevent wrote: »

All sorted now. Told her no and she was completely lovely and understanding about it

Thanks everyone, your advice gave me the confidence to be assertive rather than just awkward and passive.

Well done. You were right not to go with the others just to avoid unpleasantness. I have no doubt that the extra housemate would have exploited ye by not paying a full share.
That's a little lesson that will stand to you in life,

wirelessdude01

If he moves in he has to contribute something to all the housemates. That is only fair.

wirelessdude01

danslevent wrote: »

All sorted now. Told her no and she was completely lovely and understanding about it

Thanks everyone, your advice gave me the confidence to be assertive rather than just awkward and passive.

So what is going to happen now? She she still going to move him in as the majority said ok?

Matteroffact

You can also tell her that it is against the rules of the house, no sub letting allowed !!! It is not up to her to decide that she wants her b/f to move in. This is an apartment for 4, not 5, end of.

Meller

To be honest, OP, I would just get over it and say you're okay with it. Why cause unnecessary tensions? It really isn't going to affect you, is it? I mean, you said you barely notice your other flatmates so I doubt you'll notice another one. Like seriously, the hot water thing? If you didn't know he was there, I bet you wouldn't realise anything was different. The thing about them monopolising the sitting room is kind of ridiculous, why would they do that just because they're a couple? And it's a really minor, speculative thing that you have no guarantee is going to materialise. It's an overly preventative measure.

I'm sorry but I think you're just making excuses and being a bit awkward because you're not 100% happy with the fact that it's not an ideal, cosy living situation where everyone is best friends (which it rarely is - I never had that in student accommodation either).

Give your flatmate some leeway - who knows, you might be in a similar situation someday if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend who you need/want to move in with you. It's not ideal, but student living isn't ideal anyway.

Chattastrophe!

Meller wrote: »

Give your flatmate some leeway - who knows, you might be in a similar situation someday if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend who you need/want to move in with you. It's not ideal, but student living isn't ideal anyway.

No reasonable person would expect to be able to have their boyfriend or girlfriend move into a houseshare for several months - and especially not for free!

When the OP signed up for the lease, one of the factors they would have considered was the number of people sharing the house. You can't just move an extra person into the house like that - every extra person makes a difference, and uses up more resources in the house. Also, the vast majority of renters would much prefer not to share with a couple. Nothing wrong with that.

The housemate was wrong to even suggest it - however it seems that at least they've taken the response well. If they decide to move out as a result, it's their own decision.

Meller

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

No reasonable person would expect to be able to have their boyfriend or girlfriend move into a houseshare for several months - and especially not for free!

When the OP signed up for the lease, one of the factors they would have considered was the number of people sharing the house. You can't just move an extra person into the house like that - every extra person makes a difference, and uses up more resources in the house. Also, the vast majority of renters would much prefer not to share with a couple. Nothing wrong with that.

The housemate was wrong to even suggest it - however it seems that at least they've taken the response well. If they decide to move out as a result, it's their own decision.

It's student accommodation - it's completely different. I doubt the OP even had a choice re: how many people lived with him. All costs are fixed, utilities etc. I've lived in student accommodation and I really doubt I would've noticed an extra person living there. Some people DID always have a boyfriend/girlfriend over and it never made the slightest bit of difference to me. The OP even said he doesn't notice his other flatmates because they're so quiet.

I just don't see the point of getting hung up on minor things like this when I bet it'd cause less stress to just forget about it and take a more relaxed attitude. Student accommodation is always a bit messy and not perfect. I'd advise the same if the OP's flatmates were throwing constant parties. Often stressing about these situations just causes more stress than what's actually happening.

danslevent

Meller wrote: »

It's student accommodation - it's completely different. I doubt the OP even had a choice re: how many people lived with him. All costs are fixed, utilities etc. I've lived in student accommodation and I really doubt I would've noticed an extra person living there. Some people DID always have a boyfriend/girlfriend over and it never made the slightest bit of difference to me. The OP even said he doesn't notice his other flatmates because they're so quiet.

I just don't see the point of getting hung up on minor things like this when I bet it'd cause less stress to just forget about it and take a more relaxed attitude. Student accommodation is always a bit messy and not perfect. I'd advise the same if the OP's flatmates were throwing constant parties. Often stressing about these situations just causes more stress than what's actually happening.

Your points are fair enough but I didn't sign up to live with an extra person who won't be paying and especially not with a couple. I would feel like I was intruding on them if they were in the kitchen area, especially since I am not close to her.

Everyone is different, it's grand that you wouldn't mind but I do and I am the one paying so I guess that's that really!

danslevent

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

So what is going to happen now? She she still going to move him in as the majority said ok?

I'm not sure. I say she will move out. I say she could tell my other housemate didnt want it either, he just felt awkward and trapped!

danslevent

danslevent wrote: »

I'm not sure. I say she will move out. I say she could tell my other housemate didnt want it either, he just felt awkward and trapped!

You never know; she might not move out. A lot of places don't want students, of the ones that do the majority (in my experience), advertised or not, don't want a couple. Either way she just asked, you said no, no harm done, whereas if he had moved in it could have potentially been very uncomfortable.

P. Breathnach

I presume that you didn't have a clear agreement in place before this request was made (either that or she was taking the piss).

I imagine that you are all okay about partners or friends staying overnight occasionally. I suggest that you ask for a house meeting and agree some general rules on having people stay over.