Down in the dumps

propertywars13

Hey guys, I'm pretty much just writing this to get things off my chest. I'm not crying out for help or anything, but any advice would be appreciated, though this is really just so I can put my thoughts on "paper" and vent/rant. I'm well aware that this classifies as "first world problems" as nobody has died, and nobody is sick or anything that serious at all.

I've been living in Dublin the past year and am feeling pretty lonely as I haven't really made any friends. I was originally working back home (down the country) and had a really small circle of friends - say, 1 best friend and a couple of other good friends, but I've always been happier with a small number of close friends like that. I was offered the chance to move to Dublin with my job for 6 months, and I decided to do it as I had gone through a messy, long-term break-up and my best friend was moving abroad on a J1 to the States, so I figured it was a good chance at a fresh start.

I was getting on fine with the people I work with, and I even met a great girl online who I'm now living with (after the 6 months was up, I decided to move here full time). The problem is, a lot of the friends I made at work have since left, and the one guy that's left who I get on really well with is moving to London to live with his girlfriend in a couple of weeks. My best friend returned from his J1, but he doesn't really seem to have time for me anymore as he's doing a masters in college in Cork, which is fine - I'm happy for him but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit let down that he didn't stay in touch with me while he was abroad, apart from one week when he was stuck for money and needed a loan. That does bother, but I've tried to keep contact with him and put that disappointment to one side, it just doesn't seem to be working thoguh. So with the absence of what was my best friend and a lack of friends where I live, I'm just feeling really lonely lately.

It's really having a bad effect on my relationship as I've become over-dependent on my girlfriend, and we've had a few arguments lately over various issues that I'll fully admit are my fault. I've been demanding too much of her, looking for her to be my girlfriend, housemate, and best friend at the same time which isn't fair on her. Also the fact that I'm unhappy with my social life has me easily irritable, and I'm getting annoyed over things that shouldn't annoy me at all. I'm suffocating her and despite me admitting I need to give her space, I don't really know how to as I don't have anything else to do in the evenings. I don't have friends or family up here so I can't really disappear anywhere for an evening to give her the space she needs. It sucks because we've been arguing more and more and it's because I don't have my shít together. I'm absolutely crazy about her so so the fact that it's affecting our relationship has been the kick up the arse I've needed. My lack of friends (and dependence on her as a result) has come up in a couple of our arguments, but I told her it doesn't bother me. I just don't want her to think I'm some sort of loner who can't make friends. I can talk to her about anything, but sometimes you just need a guy friend you can talk to aswell like I had with my old friend.

I know the best advice is to join a club or society, and I am looking into that, it's just hard to find something. I'm probably not the most confident person in the world without a couple of drinks in me so it's difficult but I guess I just need to bite the bullet and try something. It's just a genuine lack of enthusiasm these days that's getting me down, as work isn't great either. The atmosphere has been pretty miserable lately, there's been a lot of staff turnover and a lot of people I got on well with have left, and been replaced by people who I don't really have much in common with. I had a chance to leave my job when I had another offer, but I stupidly took the money and accepted my company's counter-offer which I really regret as nothing has changed. The new role I was given with the counter-offer (a role which I looked for!) has left me isolated from a lot of the other staff in our department, and I have no real targets/deliverables to meet which is leaving me really unmotivated. There are days when I come in and do literally nothing for the day. I'm feeling crap again today - hence this thread - and am just gonna take a half day and go home soon as I just want to go to bed and sleep the crappy mood away. Maybe a fresh start in a new company with new faces would help me.

The weird part is, in about an hour I'll convince myself that I'm just being dramatic and that I'm fine and it's nothing to worry about. I guess I just go through phases of thinking it is a big deal and then thinking I'll be grand.

I don't know.... there's been no real structure to this post but I just wanted to get what are probably some stupid feelings off my chest and complain a little. Like I said, no one's sick or dying or anything like that!!

Merkin

I wouldn't rely on work for my social life. It's a bonus if you make friends with some colleagues but you are there to work after all so I'd continue on doing my work and if you meet some great people then that is a bonus.

You need to find a hobby or sport outside of that that will get you out in the evening. Tag rugby is very popular with guys and girls. Also, most gyms have their own rugby team or five-a-side football team. There is also a site called www.meetup.ie which is very popular and is mentioned in PI a lot so that would be a good starting point for attending gigs and events. You have to start putting yourself out there, when you do, your relationship with your girlfriend will reap the benefits.

coconut5

You've answered your own question. You need to take up a class or to join a club. It's amazing how going to one thing leads to at least 2 or 3 other things, and suddenly, you have a thriving social life. For example, you join a class, then you might have drinks or a dinner to celebrate the end of the course, then somebody might email you to invite you to an event related to the topic of the class, and so on. It just snowballs from there. So just decide on one thing you want to do that involves interacting with other people, and you will have a thriving social life in no time.

I would say focus all of your energy on that for now, and if after a few months you've got that going and are still unhappy in work, then maybe look for a job. But just focus on the hobby first. Good luck.

ivytwine

Dublin can be very lonely if you don't know any one outside of work. I am up here nearly 2 months and earning very little so while I know some people from college and stuff it is hard to meet up. (I am living in the 'burbs for cheaper rent) it's hard to get a time that suits everyone and I pretty much have to leave on the last bus or pay €30 for a taxi It's ridiculous that my food budget essentially equals a taxi journey, but that's prices up here for you

Expect you have been through similar. I too have a lovely little circle of friends at home but that's the thing, it's hard up here but staying at home meant no job and no real prospects whereas Dublin has a lot more in that way. You're not alone.

I recommend meet-up definitely. It goes by your interests so if you tick sport, outdoor pursuits etc it will find groups with that interest. It's very hard to walk into a group of strangers, definitely, but remember, they are on the site too because they want to meet new people. I have joined a few and while I haven't been as active as I'd like I've met some really nice people so far. Will they be friends? I don't know, but it's definitely better than being in and staring at the four walls.

Does your work do any activities or groups? As Merkin said, it's better not to rely on work for your social life but some workplaces do organise nights out, fitness classes etc.

Good luck OP.

When I was living in Galway, I found that the vast majority of my social interactions and friends were facilitated online - whether it be through this site or others. There are regular "beers" that are held in individual forums. The ones that I know of that have held them are the Gentlemen's Club, The Ladies Lounge (I believe men are allowed to attend the public ones?), and After Hours, which actually has one coming up on the 21st of December in Dublin, I think?

I have gone to some of these and have always had a huge amount of fun! I know the Galway forum has a thread dedicated to meeting people, so I'd be surprised if the Dublin forum doesn't have one or if it doesn't, then maybe you could create one, especially if you're not much of a drinker! Again in the Galway forum, we organized gatherings to play bowling, to go to the cinema, or quite simply to just go for tea and a chat.

If you really want to and are willing to make the effort, then these would be great opportunities to meet people and get new friends.