I can't deal with my parents anymore

maybel

I'm finding it so difficult to get on with my parents lately. I just graduated from college and am currently living abroad. I can't wait to come home for christmas in many ways but I'm dreading having to spend time with them.
the main problem is that it seems as though every conversation I have with them is a lecture on how I should be living my life or what I should be doing career wise. I underestand that it's all probably out of love but it's so upsetting that the think me so naive and incapable (I'm 23 btw).

For years I had no idea what career I wanted to pursue and they pushed and pushed that I should consider teaching. Now it's not that I was closed to the idea I just wasn't sure. Every conversation was about needing to find direction in my live etc. Now tat I have decided I do want to teach all I get are constant warning about what a difficult path it is, how it's not what it used to be etc. It's driving me insane. It's fair enough for them to say it once or twice but this is literally everytime we skype. And why do they think I don't know this anyway? Why would I not research a career I'm interested in myself?? They also think that because I've decided to teach that I'm being close-minded about other options. Even though they know I've researched various masters (all of which my Dad said he would not help me financially with because he didn't approve. I wish I didn't need his help but the simple fact is I do and I'm very grateful for it) and applied for a few jobs in the tourist industry. I mean if something of interest comes along I'm going to go for it!

I've been in a relationship for the past 8 months, it's my 1st serious relationship. I don't mean to be disrespectful to gay people but I literally felt like I had to "come out" to them. I kept the relationship secret for three months and when I told them they were so worried and dissapointed. My mother said she was shocked and hoped I didn't regret it in the future when somebody else loved me but was dissapointed that I'd already given some of my heart away. Like, what? Yeah sure first relationships often don't last, but she could be happy for me, not assume it fails, and hope that if somebody loves me in the future they don't base their opinion on my previous relationships. Even more so when they'd discovered I'd spent the night at his house. I got regular lectures on morality for weeks ( I was temporarily living with them at the time) and really aggravating talks on contraception, which the clearly know nothing about. They tried to convince me that comdoms are only 60% effective for example. Now they think that the fact that I want to return to Ireland as opposed to travel is solely because of him. He's definitely part of it but it insults me that they think I don't have my own mind and can't make my own decisions.

Literally everytime we talk I get so annoyed that it's all I can do not to hang up. I was never a difficult child growing up. I had one year in college (my second year) where I went a bit wild, drank too much and almost had to repeat the year, but I pulled through and have since graduated but they've never forgiven me and I don't understand what I can do to make it up to them.

I listen to their advice and take it on board, like I do with any advice given to me, but if I don't follow it or voice any sort of disagreement it's seen as an act of frivolity and disrespect towards them. But I can't keep living my life for them. Every time I make a mistake it's treated like a disaster and held onto as proof my incapibilty. My mother always offers to ring me if I need to wake up to go to the airport, sometimes I accept but sometimes I don't think I need it and I decline. She starts bringing up the one time I missed a flight when I was 17 and reminding me how much it cost to reschedule it. I'm not saying it wasn't f*cking stupid but it was a long time ago.

I've tried talking to them about it. They both pull the "you're young and naive" card and shut down the conversation or say they can't talk to me if I'm not going to "be resonable". I've actually considered cutting them out of my life but I know that that's unfair as they haven't actually done anything unkind and I do love them and enjoy their company sometimes. But they are such a major source of stress in my life. Right now I don't need their financial support and it is the first time in my life I can buy something other than food and not fret about what they would think, am I being a bad daughter for buying a beer or chocolate instead of vegetables or something they would consider acceptable? I just don't know what to do anymore. I literally dread their emails. Any advice?

Merkin

Christ Almighty, talk about overbearing, this would drive me absolutely crackers.

I'd do one of two things. I'd tell them absolutely nothing whatsoever about my life, my business, my decisions - nothing. Keep your relationship with them on a strictly need-to-know basis and continue being a loving daughter but don't allow them to be privy to any of your life decisions. It looks like they finally pushed you into teaching and at twenty three they really shouldn't have that much influence on your life, you're not answerable to them.

Alternatively, I would just feed them full of sh1t. Tell them that you've decided to run off with a lesbian, knife-throwing dwarf in your local circus. Tell them you've contracted rabies. Tell them you've decided to get a tattoo of Osama Bin Laden on your arm. Tell them you've decided to get pregnant before going ahead with the sex change you've always dreamed of. Tell them you've always wanted to try crystal meth. Just keep feeding them lines until they're so confused that they simply don't know what to believe.

They sound like a pain in the arse, no offense.

Big Bag of Chips

There's a reason why when a person gets to a certain age, they move out of home. Your parents sound "well meaning", but there is a very very fine line between well meaning and interfering.. and unfortunately they are on the wrong side of it.

Honestly there is little you can do to change them. You could possibly become a 60 year old woman, still being treated like a child by her elderly mother... it happens!

Best you can do is accept that they haven't figured out you are capable of getting on with your life, and just get on with it anyway. My own mother is a bit of a know-it-all. I just leave her too it, and then make my own decisions! For your entire life you have been their "child", they just haven't figured out how to deal with you as an adult yet.

The more you get on with your life, and make your own decisions (without too much consultation with them) the more they will have to accept that you don't need them quite so much.

If your dad gives you financial support at any time, make a point of paying him back over time.

Faith

My god, you could be writing about my experiences. Your family sounds scarily like mine. I'll spare you the details, but I went through all that and more. I moved out of home at the first available opportunity (18) but had to move back in again at 22 for 2 years. I was out again as quickly as I could. Moving out and having that distance helped enormously, but I still carried around tonnes of issues from them. I've been seeing a counsellor recently and she's really helped me understand how I react to my parents and what I can do.

What it boils down to is, you don't have to take any of this. Whenever they start lecturing you, say firmly "thank you but if I need your advice I will ask for it" or something to that effect. I know it sounds like being very rude, but you need to be firm here. You need to let them know that you are an adult and if you need their help you will ask for it. Simply, don't allow them to control you. If they remind your past mistakes, say something to the effect of "Yes well that is in the past, I've grown up a lot since then" and move the conversation on. They are controlling the conversation and you need to take back the control. In person, don't be afraid to actually walk away if you need to. They mean well, of course, but they're treating you badly and they need to learn that they can either treat you as an adult, or not interact with you.

You wouldn't talk to them the way they talk to you, so why would you let them talk to you that way if you know it's not acceptable? It takes a bit of time to get your head around but the crux of it is: don't let them speak to you like that. Stop them when they try, end the conversation or walk away if necessary.

neemish

Honest to God, Irish Mammies and Daddies are so overprotective/overbearing/interfering. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to do in your twenties. Trying out different careers/experiences/relationships and getting out there and living your life.

My mother is the same and I'm 34! I don't even ask her advice anymore because I know that all I will get is a negative response. And that all knowing "ok2 or "alright" at the end with a "don't come running to me when it all goes wrong" tone.


I agree with the others...don't consult, inform at the last possible moment. I wouldn't cut them off, but post-Christmas, become very busy. One phone call/skype a week. And limit conversation to the weather. A quick glance at an email to make sure there's no emergency, then press delete. Send them an email saying thanks for your email, all is fine, bye. Come up with a few choice phrases to cut off conversation. Be polite and calm but don't engage in debate.


I used to watch Dr Phil ( I know, I know!) and one of his key phrases was "we teach people how to treat us." I think you can try to spend the rest of your life trying to meet their idea of who they want you to be, or you can live your own life. It sounds like you know what you want to do - now you need to have a strategy for how to deal with them.


By the way, are you an only child? I am so relieved that my parents have a gang of us to worry about - I'd never have a minute's peace otherwise.

Santa Cruz

Any chance that you would have to work for Christmas because you sure are going to have a bad one otherwise. You will have to find some clear time to sit down and decide what you are going to do and do it. Otherwise you are going to be suffocated by the constant criticism of your parents

Matteroffact

[QUOTE
I've actually considered cutting them out of my life but I know that that's unfair as they haven't actually done anything unkind and I do love them and enjoy their company sometimes. But they are such a major source of stress in my life. Right now I don't need their financial support and it is the first time in my life I can buy something other than food and not fret about what they would think, am I being a bad daughter for buying a beer or chocolate instead of vegetables or something they would consider acceptable? I just don't know what to do anymore. I literally dread their emails. Any advice?[/QUOTE]

They were there for you when you needed them so why not discard them now that you don't ??? Don't bother worrying how they feel, sure can't you always contact them again sometime in the future when you need them again !!! You dread being in touch with them so why bother going home for Christmas at all and using their home as a base, after all it is all about you, isn't it ?

LegacyUser

It is good that you have realised what they are like now and that you are willing to stand up for yourself. They may not be happy with this but as an adult you need to make your own decisions.
Making your own decisions and accepting what they bring is part of being an adult.

In your early 20's your right to fight for the ability to make your own decisions and not let your parents run you life. I will tell you my friend's story to show you it is important to do this.
When she left school she started to do a particular course which she did not like.
Her mother told her to apply for job x ( which would have been regarded as a good, safe job). My friend took this job, did further courses and got to a manager grade in this area.
More than 12 years ago she told me how she hated this job and told me she was sorry she did not do x instead. I told her why not go back to college as a mature student.
I then heard - I can't do this - what happens if I meet someone?

Since she was in her early's 20's Mammy kept on about finding a man and getting married.
Mammy would expect her to live at home until this happened.

My friend is still single and living at home. Her mother gives our to her about her job, the hours she works and the fact she is not married.
In the last number of years she has watched her friends buy houses/apartments, get married, have children, travel ect which she has stayed in the same place doing always what Mammy wanted.

My advice to you is to tell your parents as little as possible. If your coming back to Ireland for Christmas I would arrangements made to meet up with friends ect so you are at home as little as possible. If they start on you about your life I would remind them that you are 23 not 13 and you have to make your own decisions.
Once Christmas is over I would ring them once a week, if they email you have a quick read and sent them an email back telling them your ok but you are very busy.
My advice is to stay strong and be willing to fight for what you want and not to go down the route of doing all the things your parents want.

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with other posters saying give them as little information as possible.

Tell them that you are living your own life and if it's a mistake then it's a mistake and you'll learn from it. their negativity isn't helping anyone.

Your not the only person that has to suffer through this. I've chosen to cut my parents out of my life as much as is possible because they are so disapproving of my life and refuse to let the past be the past.

Dellnum

It's not that they think you are incapable, it is just that they love you so much they want to protect you. They can't bear to see you falling into the traps they fell into.

They were only trying to help you decide on a right career as you didn't seem to know what you wanted to do. You know that your parents were brought up in a different age, when young unmarried couples didn't sleep together so why tell them what you are doing in that respect and then not expect advice.

All your parents are guilty of is loving you too much. You don't have to cut them out of your life, just pick and chose what you tell them.

You won't appreciate them until they are gone, but don't wait until they die to say something good about them. They are the two people in the world who love you most. You will go home at Christmas with everything laid on at no cost to you. Do you have a better offer ?

stop animal cruelty

Hey op, my parents are the EXACT same! Like what the other posters said, tell them as little as possible, thats what I done. I started a course recentley, I didnt tell them I was starting it or gave them any clue, I just told them the week before, paid for it all by myself, they weren't happy but it fecking paid off! They know now I'm not gonna look for their approvel or ask them can I do this or that ( I did that for far too long). I always wanted to do something with animals but my mother always told me I wasn't smart enough and theres no jobs etc...the father critizied me at any given chance. Do what you want to do. It will take a bit of time for them to get the message but when they do its a big weight off you're shoulders. Remember, don't let them try control you're life or tell you whats right or wrong for you...do what you feel it right!

maybel

Thanks for all the responses! I have one older sibling, who they claim received the same treatment but I just don't see it. Him and my dad have intelligent, friendly debates about history and religon, topics my dad knows well, all the time. I can't disagree with him about the subject I studied with out being told I'm an argumentative know-it-all (not in those words of course).

Do you really all think telling them less is the answer? Sometimes I think the reason they're like this is because I'm not open so they think I'm always lying or everything is worse than I'm letting on. I'm really just so jealous of people who can confide in their mothers.

I am grateful for all the money and support they've given me and often turn down offer of money (sometimes to find it's been put in my bank account later anyway) and I spent years feeling like a sponger and a moocher but I've come to terms with it now and feel it would be nearly irresponsible to turn down money that could really help my future just to make a point.

stop animal cruelty

not telling my parents is the only thing that works for me, why? because before when l did tell them things, they would critize, tell me l was a fool for thinking l could do xyz etc...list out every negative they could..that they did turn me off things, which l regret. My partents always felt like they needed to know everything that was going on in my life..even down to who was l on they phone to. l know how you feel about people who can confine and talk to their parents...l wish that so much too myself! l hate that people like us cant talk to them about our future and what we want etc....l know you feel bad but if you kept some things to yourself and if they find out you could explain to tell why you didnt tell them. At the end of the day you do not have any intention to make the feel bad or anything, you simply what to do your own thing, without being told not to...they need to understand that...if they don't then thats their problem.

Faith

I don't necessarily think you should tell them less, no. I do think you shouldn't entertain negative responses though. I think you need to work on controlling the conversation. Let's take teaching. If they start on about what a difficult path it is, say something firm like "Mum/Dad, I have researched this career extensively. I understand how difficult it is and I still wish to pursue the area. I'd really appreciate your support on this". Then they'll probably say something like "oh we're just worried about you", to which you say " I understand that, but it's important for you to realise that I am an adult now and if I need your advice, I will ask for it. By treating me like a child and forcing advice upon me, you are disempowering me and damaging our relationship because I'm less inclined to talk to you about what's going on in my life when you can't be supportive and listen to what I'm saying". Obviously in your own less formal words or whatever.

They are disempowering you and that's why you find interactions so frustrating. So take control and don't let them do that. It's a behaviour that you need to work on yourself to impact on other people. As someone else said, people treat you how you let them treat you. So decide how you want to be treated and make sure you achieve that.

Edit to add, not telling them things is ultimately only putting a bandage over things. You'll still harbour the frustrations and it will still take its toll on you. It's a passive behaviour. I'm a strong believer in active behaviours, like taking control of situations .

Wacker The Attacker

I'm 36 and my parents constantly remind me of past mistakes. I know how that particular part feels.

littlelulu

Hi Maybel.

I was once in your position too and it took someone older to explain what was going on. I got the impression from your post that this is all new behaviour from them (as in they weren't always like this).

I got on great with my parents all through childhood. As a teenager I was constantly on the go and coming home when it got dark. They never had an issue with that because they knew I was only up the road with my friends and not doing anything wrong. I went to college and everything was still great but then a few months before I graduated EVERYTHING turned sour. I was getting phone calls to be at home by 9pm, they didn't want me staying at my boyfriends, not to be doing x,y and z etc etc. I couldn't figure out how they were so relaxed when I was a teenager and all through college but now that I was in my twenties they were getting controlling and turning into a nightmare. There were ferocious rows and I was really getting upset and very resentful.

Then somebody said to me its because they know the next step in my life is to leave home and get a job. They spent so many years raising me, educating me, being responsible for me and then the day was looming that I was going to branch out on my own and wouldn't 'need' them anymore. My parents cried and cried the day I left to go into the big bad world all by myself but once they knew I was safe and looking after myself it completely changed. In fact, when my boyfriend moved in with me (the one they didn't want me staying with previously) they completely chilled because they knew I wasn't alone and wouldn't be butchered in my sleep by some looney. They were also satisfied that he wasn't the looney either

I think its just a fear that they have. They know that their role is done and are finding it hard to give up so they just throw digs. The next major phase in their life is to grow old which i'm sure is daunting for a lot.

Its almost as if they are trying to find a fault and if they think they knock you enough that you will come back to them. I hear my own siblings say that they dread the day their children grow up and leave them behind.

Some older people view travelling as being wild and just a way to pass a few years until you jump on the next wagon and do something even 'crazier'. I don't know how old your parents are but travelling certainly wasn't an option for mine. They went straight to work after school so they can have this opinion that travelling is wasting time when you could be settling yourself down for life.

The boyfriend issue again could be a fear of getting pregnant and ending up being a single mother before you have your life, career, home settled and sorted. Mine were the exact same! (Nothing wrong with being a single mother of course!) However, once it was a long term relationship, had my degree, had my career sorted, their attitude changed and now I'm being asked when I will be having children.

Maybe they just miss you? Its one thing for a child to move to another county but to move to the other side of the world where in their mind 'ANYTHING' could happen and they have no way to protect you

You have to prove that you are ok and capable of surviving alone. In a way they want to feel needed now too. Tell them you love them, miss them, can't wait to see everyone at Christmas and how great it will be to come home. I certainly wouldn't cut ties with them or ignore them. I think that would just create more problems.

I would agree with the others about limiting the information for now.

If this is all new behaviour then it will pass once they see that you are sorted. Once I knew why they were doing it I actually felt sorry for them and rather than fighting back, I just reassured them. I also discreetly dropped hints that moving away was only a temp thing and that I would be back to settle down near home. Don't take anything they say personally. I'm sure the day will come when you are sitting at home with empty nest syndrome

You will always be their baby.... even when you are middle aged and they are hanging over a zimmerframe! I have heard soooo many mother say that about their babies who are now in their forties! They never stop being a parent, worrying about you and making sure you're ok.

Is there anyone at home siblings, aunt/uncle that could have a whisper in their ear about how upset you are. I guarantee they don't mean to do it and probably don't even realise they are doing it. I turned into a bit of a weapon as a teenager and I was told that I was really hurting my father by what I was saying. I didn't even realise I was doing it and the thought of upsetting him broke my heart. I stopped what I was doing immediately.

If there isn't anyone that could do that then maybe send them an email/write a letter and reassure them that you are ok but the way they are speaking to you is upsetting you and stressing you out. I wouldn't attack in it but I would open my heart and be as positive as you can be. It rings home more when they read it because they don't have the opportunity to get defensive and fight back. Instead they can read it 10 times, discuss it, mull over it and really think about it. They won't want to hurt you and as I said might not realise how they are behaving.

I hope that is some help. I know it helped me to know why my parents were acting like lunatics when I left. I'm even closer to them now than I ever was. I call in to see them almost every day at some point. There is light at the end of the tunnel, they just need to cut the invisible umbilical cord that remains and let you go

Also just to add while 23 feels old and mature, you are still very young and in a way naïve. I am only a few years older but I have come up against some challenges since being 23 that have really shaped who I am now. Its funny how much you mature as you progress through your 20's and now that I am at the latter end of the 20's, I do look back at the earlier end of 20's and see how naïve I was. I really don't mean any offence by that but i'm sure in a few years you will know what I mean by it You are really only starting out on your life path and your parents just want to make sure that you pick the best because they have tried and tested the 20's already

best of luck anyway