Dreams about weakness, possible connection to my father ?

LegacyUser

Hi, going anonymous for this although it's not really as serious as a lot of the threads on this forum.


I'm 18, in college, living at home and things are all fairly ok. I'd love to move out but thats just not an option now and its not something that is getting me down hugely. Anyway, my dad left my mam when I was 16. He met another woman. They sat me down and explained it to me but my dad insisted that I they told me that they had 'fell out of love' and he was just moving out. Actually I should probably mention that I have a younger sister, shes 12.

Anyway I thought this was grand, marriages break up everyday and me and my dad didn't exactly have the best relationship, we didnt really bond that much, so I thought if anything this might help the relationship, seeing each other the weekend and that with the intention of just spending time together. It really didn't bother me hugely. Anyway a few days later my mam told me that this wasn't the case and that he had met another woman, she knew it was terrible trying to keep it from us. I wasn't to say anything to him and out of respect for my mam I didn't. Not until this other woman posted stuff on my dads facebook which would indicate that they were engaged in a relationship. I went crazy over this, who did she think she was ? I maintained to my dad that I had found out over facebook. We sat down to talk it out, all the while he defended her and said she wasn't thinking. He moved out and I sort of got over it. Until a few weeks later. I was working with my uncle, my fathers brother, in his barbers. My mam came up very annoyed telling me that my dad was due to take my little sister today but didn't turn up because he was with his new gf. I flipped out, I went outside and destroyed his prized mountain bike he had let me cycle to work on. I wasnt allowed work in my uncles barbers after that as the manager of the complex said "I was a danger to have on the premises". I didn't speak to my dad after that for a while but eventually we attempted to work it out. He even talked about moving back in, in reality he wanted my mam to let him live with us and pretend he had finsihed with his gf but maintain a relationship with her in secret. When I found out about this I was completley finished with him. Things moved on and it was jsut me, my mam and my sister.

What annoyed me was that he still saw my sister at the weekends and occasionally during the week, she still thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. She didnt know that he refused to give my mam any money, even when brought to court and ordered to pay he didn't. (My mam could have brought him back to court but she knew it wasnt worth fighting for, she hoped my sister would eventually see the type of man he was when she got older). All the while he would be out weekend after weekend with his new gf living it up. All he done for us was pay the mortgage on the house, this was simply to keep his hand on things and not lose any rights to the house. Time passed and my anger never subdued. I still havent spoke to him. My last civil words to him were "you're dead to me" on my 17th birthday when he tried to offer me a card. Since he left I've realised how much of an asshole he was while I was growing up, when I was a kid he done the whole happy dad thing but as I got older he tried less and less and was always a grumpy cnut. Even writing this is boiling my blood thinking about how much I hate him.

Anyway, i've moved on and I'm in college now, we never spoke except the odd insult from me whenever he collects my sister. She has now met his gf as my dad lives with her. Anyway, the mortgage was paid in Septmeber and he agreed to continue giving the mortgage money to mam to help pay for me and my sister. According to my mam hes trying harder now and she thinks he was jsut blinded by love when he met his gf. She has no time for him now neither but she is civil to him and there just like any other functioning ex couple. The problem is this though, a few weeks ago he told my mam he's unhappy with his gf and plans on moving out, he was refused a mortgage and is now talking about building a cabin in our back garden to live in. He has every right to do this too. This is killing me inside and if he attempts to go ahead with it I know I'll hurt him. This may sound sick or psychopathic but I long to do a job on him. I'm a peaceful person, I wouldnt hurt anyone but its just my dad. I would genuinley do time for him.

Appologies for the long post, I just thought it would be better if I explain the whole story in detail.

Anyway my problem is, I often have dreams about fighting people, usually enemies from my past, or occasionally my dad, but most recently a lad from school who I had nothing against, he happened to be slagging me in the dream. The thing is, when i'm fighting I feel weak and unable to put any power into my punches. I never seem to be able to hurt the other person. I've read a bit online that it can often have something to do with low self esteem or lack of confidence in oneself. However, I am fairly confident in myself and I'd consider myself a very social character. No less than the average 18 year old bloke. Has anyone ever experienced this before ? Or anyone any ideas what it might be related to ? I have a feeling it might be to with my dad. The longing I have to hurt him but I feel unable to.

I know I may sound like a serial killer in the making or something but I genuinley am a peaceful guy. I'd always try walk away from trouble and the thought of inflicting pain on someone unnecessarily makes me sick. Even if someone was to look for a fight I'd walk away safe in the knowledge that he wasn't worth the energy but for some reason I have a huge amount of hate built up towards my dad. Again sorry about the long post, I'd love to hear some feedback, especially if anyone knows anything about dreams. Cheers in advance.

Obliq

Ah lad....you don't sound like any kind of a violent person. You just sound hurt to the core by your father. I'm half in tears reading this because I feel for you so much. I can absolutely imagine how much it sickens you to think that he would be living in your back garden and I absolutely know what it's like to feel that kind of hatred towards someone. (I'm not saying it's good or healthy to feel that hatred, just that I know what it feels like).

Your mother must be one hell of a pragmatic and tolerant individual to be able to rationalise all that he has put her through, but I will ask you this. Is she fully aware of what you are going through here? I know I would never consider putting my EX husband's need/wishes above my children's needs /wishes, and even if I could tolerate my ex's company and proximity again, I would have to make very sure that my kids were ok with it.

From what I'm picking up, your mum has preserved your sister's relationship with your da and so she doesn't feel the same way at all about him? That, of course puts your ma in a hard place (again) as I imagine she is trying to juggle the differing needs of her children. Still though, have you found out how she could consider letting your dad live on the property while knowing your feelings about him?

Also, you need to talk to someone hon. Someone you can let it all out to. Your dreams are an indication of the stress you are under and I properly feel for your situation here. Please look for help - is there a guidance counsellor in school/college?

LegacyUser

Hi, cheers for the reply

I should have gave a bit more on my ma, shes a saint and has been a rock through out this whole thing. She doesn't want him living on the property but my great uncle (her uncle) seems to think he has a good case considering its his property (he's the type of bloke who knows a thing or two about everything, it think most families have one of those haha). My dad thinks that I would be the only real obstacle, I suppose he thinks my mam would be easier to get on board, she's having none of it neither but I think she's being more realistic than me and realizes that its probably inevitable. Obviously we will seek legal advice on the matter when it comes to a head.

Another aspect that bothers me is his family, I had a decent enough relationship with them before this, as I said I worked with my dads brother, but they havent had anything to do with us since and have openly welcomed my dads new gf. I have just as much contempt for that shower as I do my dad as I've come to see what they really are. The thoughts of seeing them slipping in and out of our back garden regularly turns my stomach.

Also my mam knows fully how I feel and accepts it. She often asks will I ever speak to him but I tell her my feelings every time. She doesn't want this anymore than me but as I said she's being realistic.

With regards the guidance councilor, I know there is one in my college but I really don't think that would be me. I felt a bit strange even starting this thread as it's not in my nature to seek help. I dont want to be someone who ends up talking to shrinks and taking uppers to get out of bed. I doubt I'm at that stage but I'd just rather not go down that road at all. The thought of sitting in front of someone I don't know spilling out my life story makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I could do it, I'd almost feel like I was being conceited, even though that sounds stupid haha

Again, many thanks for replying and for not being judgmental. I was worried I'd get people telling me I should be locked up in an institution for such psychopathic thoughts haha

Obliq

AnonymousLad wrote: »

Hi, cheers for the reply

I should have gave a bit more on my ma, shes a saint and has been a rock through out this whole thing. She doesn't want him living on the property but my great uncle (her uncle) seems to think he has a good case considering its his property (he's the type of bloke who knows a thing or two about everything, it think most families have one of those haha). My dad thinks that I would be the only real obstacle, I suppose he thinks my mam would be easier to get on board, she's having none of it neither but I think she's being more realistic than me and realizes that its probably inevitable. Obviously we will seek legal advice on the matter when it comes to a head.

Hmmm. Is it definite that your mum will seek legal advice on this? I'm thinking any legal advice that your mum would get independently could give a whole different perspective to what her uncle is saying (but I don't know that for sure, obviously). In my case for example, a separation agreement includes myself and my ex not intruding on each others lives, and some very clear ground rules about who has the house/property and when.

When you said your mum didn't pursue your dad through the courts for what she was due in maintenance, do you think it's possible that your dad is depending on your ma not going the legal route this time either? Because in my view, he'd not be allowed to set up in the back garden, whether he half owns the house or not. But I don't know that for sure. How would you feel about asking your mum to go with you to get independent advice on this?

Another aspect that bothers me is his family, I had a decent enough relationship with them before this, as I said I worked with my dads brother, but they havent had anything to do with us since and have openly welcomed my dads new gf. I have just as much contempt for that shower as I do my dad as I've come to see what they really are. The thoughts of seeing them slipping in and out of our back garden regularly turns my stomach.

Also my mam knows fully how I feel and accepts it. She often asks will I ever speak to him but I tell her my feelings every time. She doesn't want this anymore than me but as I said she's being realistic.

I'd say you're very, very hurt by their rejection of you and your family/mum. It's much better/easier on you to feel angry at someone than want to cry every time you think about how they treated you. Tbh, that's not a comfortable way to be feeling though, eh?

With regards the guidance councilor, I know there is one in my college but I really don't think that would be me. I felt a bit strange even starting this thread as it's not in my nature to seek help. I dont want to be someone who ends up talking to shrinks and taking uppers to get out of bed. I doubt I'm at that stage but I'd just rather not go down that road at all. The thought of sitting in front of someone I don't know spilling out my life story makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I could do it, I'd almost feel like I was being conceited, even though that sounds stupid haha

Again, many thanks for replying and for not being judgmental. I was worried I'd get people telling me I should be locked up in an institution for such psychopathic thoughts haha

Just going to answer the bolded bit there ......Well, I'm someone who has needed to talk to a professional listener before now a few times, because the situation I was in at the times weren't bloody healthy for me or my kids, and I was feeling very low about things that felt beyond my control and could see no solution while I was feeling so rubbish. When I started with the counsellor, I felt a bit awkward alright, but soon enough (with the non-judgemental support - like you just appreciated from me here!) I found that I was coming to solutions myself because I could reason things out with someone who wasn't involved. It was very, very far from "taking uppers to get me out of bed", and that doesn't sound like something you need anyway!

You're clearly well able to reason and you have some insight into your predicament but your thought that you might be "being conceited" by talking about yourself and your life to someone makes me think that you are the kind of person who wouldn't look for help if they were on fire! How badly do you have to feel, in order for someone to be allowed to help you?! And how will they know if you don't tell them eh?! You're telling me (and everyone else) anonymously about this, but I can't listen properly up here, or help you look for a proper solution to how things are for you now. Who does it hurt if you talk to someone who is there to be a professional sounding-board? It helped me no end.

I'm off to bed now. You take care. :-)