Guy chasing my wife on facebook!

redunited

Hi all,

Myself and my wife have a great relationship, we have children and as far as I was aware we had no problems.

One day my wife was at night college and I was using her Ipad, (we only have the one and we both use it).

As I was browsing the net a message from facebook popped up from an old school friend who lives in another country. What I was reading shocked me and I opened up facebook to see what was going on.

The message was from him basically suggesting my wife should come around his and join him in a bath and rub his back. I noticed my wife must have been using her phone to live chat with him, because the message had been going on for a few minutes and was still being relayed whilst I was reading. My wife replied to him saying something along the lines that she was far to busy at college.

The conversation ended with my wife saying she had to go as she had to get on with her course.

I decided to go back and read the message that they had both relayed to each other, I discovered the messages had gone back about 6 months.

What I noticed was that my wife hadn't actually been saying or doing anything wrong as such, The messages had started 6 months ago as any two ex school friends would, I.E Hi how are you, are you married etc. They were very infrequent and sometimes weeks would go by without any messages. Then every now and again you would get a hi, and a hi back. Everytime the message would start from this guy and it seemed my wife was just being polite and replying Hi back.

Then two months ago I noticed a change, He started to become more heavier by asking her what was she doing, She would respond by saying she was at work, (which she was). He would ask her what she was wearing, she would reply her uniform. He would then ask if it was sexy, and ask her if she had sexy underwear on.

My Wife would reply, Oh yes, and then quickly reply, I have to go now. Got to get back to work.

And that is generally how the messages would go, he would start a chat with her, and then say something inappropriate and she would quickly respond got to go.

I noticed my wife has also tried to ignore him, everyday 3 or 4 times he would send messages, Hi how are you, or are you there.

After a while (about a week later) my wife would respond by saying hi, and then he would start again, trying to talk dirty to her which again made her quickly say got to go bye.

I dont think my wife is interested in this guy as she keeps trying to either ignore him or get rid of him once he starts talking dirty. But what I dont understand is why she dosent simply delete him from her facebook friends.

She is also lying to me, I didnt want to being it up with her because I wanted her to sort it out on her own, but I have tried to nudge her in the right direction by saying things like, I dont know why we use facebook its stupid, or why do we make friends with people we havent seen in years!

I have also asked her who was she chatting to on facebook knowing it was with him, she will reply its her mum.

I dont get the lies, and why she dosent get rid of this guy.

Really not sure what to do, feel like contacting him directly myself and telling him to cop on and get lost.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

XMASSmrstobe

Hi OP,

I understand that this is difficult and frustrating. However, my advice wouldn't be to contact him, instead speak with your wife. Chat about the messages you've seen on the Ipad and ask her why she is responding every-so-often to this guy. Explain that you are not accusing her of cheating but that her responding to his messages concerns you. Call her out on the lying (not ok). I'm not saying its right - and she should stop - but the issue here is why she's doing it. Simply mailing the man won't solve the problem! While it may be politeness, it may also be liking the idea that someone finds her attractive, or missing flirting.

Perhaps there could be an occasion here, rather than just to fight, to better your relationship - on both parts.

Best of luck.

strobe

Sounds like she's liking the attention. Nice little ego boost for her but without the guilt as she's not responding in kind. So can tell herself shes doing nothing wrong. She is doing something wrong or she wouldn't have the pangs of guilt that lead to her ignoring him for a time until she needs her little ego boost again and messages him.

You have to bring it up with her. Tell her you saw the message that came in when you were using the ipad and ask her why this lad is suggesting she come have a bath with her.

Give her the opportunity to tell the full truth about the ongoing contact. Whether she does or not dictates where you take things from there.

Being honest, if it was me I more than likely would contact the guy and let him know he was putting his life in pretty immediate danger. But at the same time I wouldn't advise that course of action.

pundy

to be honest, i dont see the problem with contacting the guy. Remain calm in your email, and re-read it back a few times before you send it.

tell him that you are this womans husband, and tell him you share the fb account with your wife (this will put it in his head that you have seen all the mails and he may get embarrassed and stop). i would put in a disclaimer too with him and let him know that it is harassing behaviour and your wife is certainly not interested.

redunited

Thank for the replies everyone.

I spoke to my wife this afternoon, I approached it calmly but clearly upset.

My wife seemed shocked, but then started to turn it. She claimed she hadnt done anything wrong and how dare I accuse her.

Her excuse was that she was being friendly and every time he started to get a bit heavy she told him she had to go. She said she would ignore him.

I said, I can see you ignore him but then eventually you start talking to him again.

Her excuse was that she was seeing if he had grown up and wanted to have a normal chat, as soon as he got heavy again she would make an excuse and leave the conversation.

I said to her how that made no sense at all, she hadnt seen this guy for years, so she had no connections to him, why didnt she just get rid of him he if was being annoying and getting to heavy. Her excuse was that she didnt think, she just forgot.

I told her that wasn't an excuse and she again said to me, " how dare you".

I argued back and said "How dare I?", she then said she would delete the guy, he meant nothing to her. All of this was in an aggressive tone. I said to her that she should have deleted him the minute he got to flirty and why lie to me? She claimed she didn't lie, she just didn't tell me!

Since then we haven't talked, she has now gone out to fetch our child from school, ive just checked her facebook and the guy is still on there as her friend.

Furious how she has tried to turn this on me, and that she still hasn't deleted him after saying she would.

Merkin

It's obvious she liked the attention. In her mind she didn't actually do anything wrong as she didn't proactively set out to flirt with him or encourage him - she didn't discourage him either. It doesn't seem like this would have gone any further to be honest as he sounds like a horny and lonely sleazebag while your wife sounds like she didn't have the cop/inclination to tell him to fcuk off.

Pippy1976

She's angry and annoyed because she's been found doing something she probably knows she shouldn't have even entertained.

She's mortified. As I would be. Give her time. She'll come around to the fact that you caught her out and she had no explanation. Sit with her as she deletes him from her profile.

Be up front: both of you. You did the right thing. She's in the wrong, she knows it and she's dying inside!

Good luck.

redunited wrote: »

Thank for the replies everyone.

I spoke to my wife this afternoon, I approached it calmly but clearly upset.

My wife seemed shocked, but then started to turn it. She claimed she hadnt done anything wrong and how dare I accuse her.

Her excuse was that she was being friendly and every time he started to get a bit heavy she told him she had to go. She said she would ignore him.

I said, I can see you ignore him but then eventually you start talking to him again.

Her excuse was that she was seeing if he had grown up and wanted to have a normal chat, as soon as he got heavy again she would make an excuse and leave the conversation.

I said to her how that made no sense at all, she hadnt seen this guy for years, so she had no connections to him, why didnt she just get rid of him he if was being annoying and getting to heavy. Her excuse was that she didnt think, she just forgot.

I told her that wasn't an excuse and she again said to me, " how dare you".

I argued back and said "How dare I?", she then said she would delete the guy, he meant nothing to her. All of this was in an aggressive tone. I said to her that she should have deleted him the minute he got to flirty and why lie to me? She claimed she didn't lie, she just didn't tell me!

Since then we haven't talked, she has now gone out to fetch our child from school, ive just checked her facebook and the guy is still on there as her friend.

Furious how she has tried to turn this on me, and that she still hasn't deleted him after saying she would.

mashedbanana

Don' just delete him, block him.

redunited

Well my wife went back out to college tonight, we havent really spoken.

You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, Still not deleted/blocked him from facebook and he has tried to contact her again tonight, message popped up on her facebook, Hi how are you.

So, im confused, Ive been made to feel like im in the wrong and she appears to not be to bothered about deleting him.

Matteroffact

Maybe your wife is annoyed because she knows that this guy is harmless and that there is no need for you to get concerned about it. I think this guy is turning into a stalker of sorts and from that point of view he has no right to say inappropriate things to your wife. Why wouldn't she say "how dare you to him"? I don't think it is fair of her to treat you like this when you have shown concern though. She should take your feelings into account. She is annoyed because she wanted to be the one to decide whether to delete this guy or not. She doesn't like taking instructions from you to do it. I would say she is just curious as to what this guy is going to say next and it is her curiosity that is keeping him there as her friend, nothing more. I would say no more about it if I were you and I certainly would not let it bother me. She is not interested in him and never will be.

endacl

Have you considered that you essentially invaded her privacy OP? I get where you're coming from, and my sympathies are with you in this one. It's a horrible situation to have found yourself in. From your wife's pov though, while she might have been aware that what she was doing was 'naughty', from your posts it sounds like this is all it was.
You might acknowledge this when you talk to her again. That you weren't snooping, and that the message popped up after her leaving the account open, and when you saw the tone what were you supposed to do but open a conversation and address the issue. You're relationship is important to you. What could you have done but address the issue.

The world would be a better place without Facebook in it...

December2012

There are two separate factors here.

1) you have invaded her privacy. You that's not deniable. So the best thing that you should do is apologise for that and tell your wife you trust her.

However

2) this guy is a creep. He is creeping on your wife, but you need to not look on this as him doing it to "your" wife, and instead as him doing it to 'wife's name'. The problem is hers. If she doesn't see it as a problem, then trust her. She is not your possession to keep safe. It is her choice to see this as harmless or not. If she doesn't, then respect her wishes. If I were you, I would say a something along the lines of "I don't like it, because I think he is being sleazy to you. I only want to support you and reassure you that I believe and support you. So if you tell me it's not a problem then I trust your judgment. If your opinion changes, I'll support that too and help you if you want". Depending on how things go, you could, calmly, ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed.

mad m

Lads if you read the first post he was using the iPad and a Facebook message popped up, don't consider that an invasion of privacy. It just happened. Sure anyone else would want to know what's going on and open FB. The OP was probably in shock.

OP you already got great advise above, I'd say your wife is mortified. She is on the defensive, sure sign of being caught out. All I can say is ride this wave for few days and once child is asleep, sit down with her and talk it out.

dixiefly

You have given your wife plenty of opportunity to block him and she hasn't.

If it was me I would respond on to him Facebook saying that you are her husband and that you are appalled and mad at the tone of his suggestive messages. Tell him that you are monitoring the messages and to stay away.

Your wife might be pi$$ed that you contacted him directly but tell her that you were surprised that he was still contacting her and that you couldn't take the stress of it anymore.

strobe

I agree with the previous poster that you wife's reaction is probably primarily over defensiveness due to the embarrassment and shame at being caught in the situation by you.
There is also as someone else said the fact that you did go through her private Facebook messages. That's completely understandable due to coming across the first message but understandable doesn't mean excusable. You're both in the wrong in some way, but your transgression was a direct result of hers. So its wrong for her to try to turn things back on you.

When you speak to her next I'd start off by apologising for reading her messages. Re assure her you do trust her, that you don't think she would have ever actually cheated with this guy and that you've never read her messages before or ever would have if you hadn't stumbled across the first message, and never would in future.

Then address her actions. Ask her to put herself in your shoes, not in a confrontational manner but in a wayappealing to her empathy and reason as your wife that loves you and the mother of your children.

Ask her how she would feel if she found out a girl you knew had been sending you sexually explicit and flirty messages for over two months and you continued texting her back, never told her to stop sending those kinds of messages, and never mentioned it to your wife.

There's also the issue you mentioned in your first post. That you knew she would be messaging him but when you asked who she said her mother... Are you absolutely 100% certain about that? If so she owes you an explanation and unreserved apology for that, regardless of any embarrassment or defensiveness she feels over the situation, regardless of any anger or hurt she feels over you looking at her messages. She willfully lied right to your face. Not just didn't tell you about something.That's absolutely inexcusable and she needs to acknowledge that and accept that it puts the foundation of your marriage at risk and apologise. But be sure your 100% positive about the saying it was her mother thing.

Czarcasm

strobe wrote: »

She willfully lied right to your face. Not just didn't tell you about something.That's absolutely inexcusable and she needs to acknowledge that and accept that it puts the foundation of your marriage at risk and apologise. But be sure your 100% positive about the saying it was her mother thing.

strobe I think that's massively blowing the situation out of proportion tbh. The OP has massively blown the situation out of proportion too, and treated his wife like a bold child. If that's all it takes to rock the foundations of a relationship, then it's a shìt relationship where the foundations are riddled with stress points.

The OP could've handled this so much better. His wife was in control of the situation. "Guy chasing my wife on Facebook". He's not chasing your wife OP he's a sad git who knows your wife will be civil to him. There was nothing for you to be worried about there. You trust your wife right?

Well, obviously now you don't and you're questioning things and getting frustrated and your wife is getting frustrated and upset. I can understand why both of you are upset - she's upset because in her eyes you're misreading the situation and making her feel stupid, and you're upset because she didn't tell some guy to piss off, and then confounded it by still not removing him and still lying to you about it.

If you actually trust your wife OP then treat her like an adult and let her handle the situation. Otherwise you'll both just continue to blow it out of proportion because you both sound just as stubborn and self-righteous as each other.

The pair of ye need to grow up and stop acting like teenagers.

strobe

Well I disagree Czar, if lying to your partners face isn't damaging to the foundation of a marriage then what is exactly? Lying to someone ****s up the trust they have for you. And trust is essential in a relationship.

I've often seen on here you mention that you and your wife trust each other absolutely and it makes for a great relationship. How much would you trust each other if you began lying to each other about who you were texting or who you were meeting etc rather than being honest about it if one of you happened to ask on occasion?

The entire situation and any hurt or upset on any side could have been avoided if she had of just been honest.

king_of_inismac

I find the responses here very surprising.

I'd have serious reservations about being with someone who was having these conversations or didn't nip them in the bud.

If it was a one week thing, she may have a right to be annoyed for the invasion of privacy, but 6 months is crazy. Her conversations with him are TOTALLY inappropriate and something you should expect in a healthy monogamous relationship.

Czarcasm

strobe wrote: »

Well I disagree Czar, if lying to your partners face isn't damaging to the foundation of a marriage then what is exactly? Lying to someone ****s up the trust they have for you. And trust is essential in a relationship.

Ahh I know where you're coming from strobe, and I do usually try and put myself in the OP's shoes and see things from their point of view, but this IMO at least would be so far down the scale, I dunno, I just think there's a lack of perspective there or something that first of all-

1. It's Facebook. Never, ever, ever, ever, to be taken seriously.

2. People do stupid shít, and when it gets put in the spotlight, it's embarrassing.

3. Lies, sure, they're annoying, but lying about something so insignificant, sure, of course it's childish, but by that same token, it's just as childish to go chasing it down and "that's not a good enough reason" sort of thing.

If you look at things in perspective - they're married and have a child together. Some guy from her past finds her on Facebook and the nostalgia kicks in. What were the chances, realistically, that anything was going to happen?

The OP finds the messages, reads them, and STILL gets upset about the fact that his wife isn't really entertaining this guy! If I were the OP I'd have seen my wife was able to handle this guy, he's harmless. I certainly wouldn't consider him a threat to my relationship, and certainly not as serious as the OP seems to have taken it.

The lies, well, y'know, I don't really know what to say here, my wife lies to me about stupid shít all the time - "I've had this dress ages" is a classic, but is that lie actually threatening our relationship? If she lied about... oh I dunno, cleaning out the bank account, that might be something to raise an eyebrow over alright, y'know? Perspective.

I know I've done plenty of stupid shít I'd be embarrassed about if my wife ever found out about it, but that's where not only is trust essential in a relationship, but also respect, and knowing that the other person as my wife often says to me "I'm not the same as you, I don't think the same way you do!", in other words I have to respect her individuality, and she respects mine, even though we are a couple.

His wife's explanations might not make sense to the OP, but maybe his wife doesn't think the same way the OP does, and the OP rather than being stuck in his own way of thinking has to account for the fact that his wife doesn't think the same way he does.

Honestly OP I'd suggest you get some perspective and pick your battles. This is something so trivial that there was no need to be getting so bent out of shape about it. Imagine if you'd found a conversation where your wife was discussing leaving you? THEN you'd have a right to be upset alright, but this?

P. Breathnach

OP, I suggest that you do not act on this thing yourself. Don't interfere with your wife's facebook page; don't contact this guy. These are matters for her to manage. You do have a right to be interested in how she manages things.

She has a case, albeit a rather weak one, for claiming that she has done nothing wrong because she terminated conversations when things became inappropriate. The weakness in her case is that she commenced further conversations with him.

Why is the atmosphere bad between you? Partly because she was wrong to maintain contact with this man; partly because you read their conversations. Think hard about it: is there any other reason? Two possibilities that come to my mind are:

• you might not have been paying her the sort of flirty attention that this guy has, and she might like that sort of thing;
• your manner when you confronted her might have been too heavy (obviously you can't tell us every little detail, but I'm picking up on "I told her that wasn't an excuse ...").

The issue now is not this guy "chasing" your wife. It's how you and she get over the current row. The requires each of you understanding why the other is upset.

blatantrereg

She's been entertaining overt sexual advances for months. Since you have noticed she has tried to bully you into not just accepting it, but apologising for questioning her.

That's not ok. She's not nice. Zero respect for you, and a demonstration of a lack of honesty or faith.

Separate or divorce. Don't have kids with her whatever you do.

strobe

You make some fair points Czar, and I'd advise the OP to take them onboard. But like you say, different lies carry different weight and "I've had this dress ages" when its new, "I love your new haircut" when it looks a bit silly, is different in terms of damage to trust than "I'm messaging my mam" when she's messaging a guy that's asking her if she's wearing sexy underwear...

Like I say, if she'd just have been honest it all could have been avoided. If she's honest in the future any similar situation could be avoided too. If she lies the trust is damaged and there will be more misunderstandings, upset etc in the future.

P. Breathnach

Czarcasm wrote: »

... It's Facebook. Never, ever, ever, ever, to be taken seriously....

Life's rich tapestry and all that: sometimes Facebook should be taken seriously. I suspect that the guy in this case might be seriously perving on OP's wife, but that she is not taking it seriously.

Czarcasm

strobe wrote: »

Well I disagree Czar, if lying to your partners face isn't damaging to the foundation of a marriage then what is exactly? Lying to someone ****s up the trust they have for you. And trust is essential in a relationship.

I've often seen on here you mention that you and your wife trust each other absolutely and it makes for a great relationship. How much would you trust each other if you began lying to each other about who you were texting or who you were meeting etc rather than being honest about it if one of you happened to ask on occasion?

The entire situation and any hurt or upset on any side could have been avoided if she had of just been honest.

Sorry strobe I only saw the edit there. Yeah I mean like, we'd respect each others' privacy too in that I don't want to know what she's doing on her laptop or on her phone, and she doesn't want to know what I'm doing on my laptop or phones.

When she goes out, she goes out with the same bunch of mates, and when I go out, I usually meet different people, same thing again - I'm not too interested in what she gets up to, and she doesn't want to know what I get up to! :pac:

We do trust each other, but more important than trust is respecting a person's individuality and their right to privacy, because if they're going to cheat on you, they're going to do it anyway, and then they have themselves to answer to for their behaviour. It's not as if you can turn back the clock and stop them cheating on you.

We're both adults, so neither of us seek to control each others behaviour, so every so often one of us lies or does something stupid or makes a mistake. We're human, and the good we do for each other by FAR will always outweigh the times when we make mistakes or errors in judgement.

Czarcasm

blatantrereg wrote: »

She's been entertaining overt sexual advances for months. Since you have noticed she has tried to bully you into not just accepting it, but apologising for questioning her.

That's not ok. She's not nice. Zero respect for you, and a demonstration of a lack of honesty or faith.

Separate or divorce. Don't have kids with her whatever you do.

It's a bit late for that -

redunited wrote: »

Since then we haven't talked, she has now gone out to fetch our child from school, ive just checked her facebook and the guy is still on there as her friend.

And a bit early to be talking separation or divorce!

MagicMarker

Trust is irrelevant in this case. I don't get the impression that the OP mistrusts his wife at all. But she continues to entertain this dope and is encouraging him just by replying, even though her own responses aren't sexual. She's acting inappropriately, THAT'S the issue at hand.

im confused again

I think your wife is totally in the wrong in respect to your relationship. The Facebook guy is totally wrong in relation to the messages he is sending. They are really inappropriate.

You did what anybody would do if they saw a message like that pop up, read the other messages!!! I would have too!!

In my opinion what your wife should have done was, when the first inappropriate message was sent to her, she should have made it clear that the message was inappropriate and that she was happy to chat but only in an appropriate way, that she is married and if he can't send appropriate messages then she would have to block him.

That's what I think she should have done.

After everything that has happened, she should out of respect to you, block him immediately. That shouldn't be so hard, you are her husband, this other guy is nothing.

Some of the comments on here talk about trust, but you have to earn trust, and one big factory in earning trust is honesty. Your wife was not honest.

Sittingpretty

Speaking from almost exact experience I think OP may be overreacting.

In the last 6 months or so I've been receiving similar messages from a childhood friend who I added on FB in all good conscience.

He is my mother's friend's son and lives overseas, is married, with children, as am I.

Initially the conversations were the harmless catch up stuff like what you've described. Then it turned mildly sexual always from him, and always, like in your wife's case I ignored it. I continue to do so. I will chatter about other stuff with him but I never respond to the sexual stuff in the hope that the penny will drop and he gets the message that I will never reciprocate. I love my Husband.

If it does get overtly sexual then I will do the necessary and unfriend him. I have called him out on it but he continued anyways. I think he's probably in an unhappy marriage and he neither respects his marriage nor mine.

That being said, I honestly can't answer why I've not deleted him already. I have no reason and I think your wife may feel the same? She feels some sort of obligation towards him as they once were friends and doesn't want to enter into the drama of de friending?
I did tell my husband when it started but he doesn't know it has been ongoing and that I've been ignoring it for quite some time.

Long story short I really don't believe you have anything to be concerned about. She seems to be reacting like me, overly polite and unwilling to react to anything sexual but willing to converse old times etc.

I don't agree with people saying she's devious and you should leave her, I think she's found herself with advances she doesn't know how to handle and she's embarrassed that she's been caught out.

banquo

I can see where the wife is coming from in initially talking to this guy - if I were married, I'd be way way beyond the idea of a fling, and would assume that my partner was the same. You both signed up for it. So when some gob****e you used to know pops up and starts being flirty you already know that nothing is going to happen, because you're married. And in fairness she hasn't entertained him beyond responding only to greetings and nothing more.

Her real offence here is continuing a behaviour that is immensely bothering her husband. I think when you're in a serious relationship, and an activity is providing far more grief for one partner than pleasure for the other, you should probably quit that activity.

And on the Facebook creeping front: if you were innocently using a device and a very flirty message appeared for your partner, you totally have a right to investigate - like probable cause or something. It's like having a business in which you both have an interest: if evidence presents itself that the other partner might be cheating, then you have a right to protect yourself.

(But only in cases like this where evidence literally presents itself to you unwarranted, just suspicions don't count)

Pippy1976

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I did tell my husband when it started but he doesn't know it has been ongoing and that I've been ignoring it for quite some time.

Here-in lies the difference. You told your husband. This woman did not tell her husband and only when he confronted her, as he has a right to do, did she get extremely defensive, angry and now is ignoring him...

... he did nothing wrong. As I said in my earlier post, she's mortified she got caught chatting to someone she should have mentioned to her husband when it started 6 months ago.

OP stick to your guns here. She needs to get over it and realise that yes you found out but holding it against YOU is not on. Swallow your pride missus. You were caught. End of.

Czarcasm

MagicMarker wrote: »

Trust is irrelevant in this case. I don't get the impression that the OP mistrusts his wife at all. But she continues to entertain this dope and is encouraging him just by replying, even though her own responses aren't sexual. She's acting inappropriately, THAT'S the issue at hand.

I don't think trust is irrelevant here MM, something ticked the OP off about this when he saw the messages, saw his wife wasn't flirting (the other idiot was making all the piss poor attempts at flirting), but what's also relevant here is intent.

Was her intent malicious in hiding her exchanges with this guy from her husband? Even then was her intent malicious in lying to him about it?

I'm not seeing any malicious intent tbh. Naivety, certainly, but malicious intent? Not so much.

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Here-in lies the difference. You told your husband. This woman did not tell her husband and only when he confronted her, as he has a right to do, did she get extremely defensive, angry and now is ignoring him...

...Swallow your pride missus. You were caught. End of.

She's defensive, angry and is now ignoring the OP because he's being offensive, angry and confrontational.

BOTH of them need to swallow their pride. Both of them made mistakes. His wife handled the original situation badly, and the OP handled the conversation in the aftermath just as badly.

Pippy1976

Czarcasm wrote: »

the OP handled the conversation in the aftermath just as badly.

I disagree but how and ever.

ShaShaBear

I'm sorry, but everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that the OP read a message where this guy asked his wife if she was wearing sexy underwear, and she responded "oh yes" before ending the conversation.

That is direct encouragement.

I made it my business to cease contact with a man who continued to address me in the same manner over Facebook. I also showed my partner the messages. I'd hate to continue to entertain this man and then to have a sicko like him contact my partner with the messages to say I'm reciprocating or encouraging the messages.

Also, saying that you are too busy with work to give a man a rub down in a bath is not the same as saying you are married and it would be inappropriate to give a man a rub down in a bath.

strobe

Czarcasm wrote: »

 any malicious intent tbh. Naivety, certainly, but malicious intent? Not so much.

Malicious is a very heavy word. I dont think anyone is of the impression OP's wife set out to hurt him. Inconsiderate and selfish would be words that were more on the ball.

Naivety? Nah don't see it. Everything about the situation indicates she liked the attention and that's why she didn't shoot it down outright (or even as Sha suggests, passively encouraged it) , didnt mention it to the OP, lied about it and reacted so defensively to it being brought up. Which while not malicious is certainly inconsiderate and selfish and not a way someone should act towards someone they love and intend ideally to spend the rest of their lives with.

Taltos

Strobe / Czarcasm - enough of the discussion please. We thank you for your input but you are both in danger of pulling this thread off topic into a discussion with your back and forth. Please note where/when required we will have to take moderator action on such cases and will do so going forwards.

Thanks
Taltos

mashedbanana

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I'm sorry, but everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that the OP read a message where this guy asked his wife if she was wearing sexy underwear, and she responded "oh yes" before ending the conversation.

That is direct encouragement.

I made it my business to cease contact with a man who continued to address me in the same manner over Facebook. I also showed my partner the messages. I'd hate to continue to entertain this man and then to have a sicko like him contact my partner with the messages to say I'm reciprocating or encouraging the messages.

Also, saying that you are too busy with work to give a man a rub down in a bath is not the same as saying you are married and it would be inappropriate to give a man a rub down in a bath.

Absolutely! 100% agree. Lets call a spade a spade!

OP, Your wife should have made it quiet clear that she is married. But this would have been obvious from her status on FB. My husbands cousin tried this with me on FB, I blocked him, simple, and proceeded to tell my hubby that his cousin is a dirty little so & so. As a regular, ordinary married woman, I can tell you now that naivety she is not! Lapping up the attention yes, and from a old friend/school friend? cant remember. It's all very well and good to hark on about trusting your wife, but her entertaining a sleezebag is not what i'd call the definition of trust. But so many people are 'all talk' on the the net, if resented with it....they'd maybe run a mile...or not!

this attention tickled her ego, that must have needed tickling! How long do they really know eachother? What is their background history?

I'd take no notice of folk going on & on & on about privacy, your married to her for heavens sake. If you have nothing to hide....etc. if my hubby is in the shower & I need the loo, and I invading his privacy going into the bathroom?

Damn it, he has seen me birth a few kids...he can see my FB messages too!

Your wife Op, is defensive cos she is absolutely as guilty as sin, she was caught out stroking some fellas ego. (by responding to him).

What do you really think he was doing at the other end of the net, when asking your wife if she has sexy underware on? while looking at her FB pics? come on now!

He needs to be deleted, blocked, and YOU need to have a quiet word with him. Thats your wife!!!!

What is it about him? What hold does he have over her, that she can't bring herself to delete him?

Grandeeod

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I'm sorry, but everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that the OP read a message where this guy asked his wife if she was wearing sexy underwear, and she responded "oh yes" before ending the conversation.

That is direct encouragement.

I made it my business to cease contact with a man who continued to address me in the same manner over Facebook. I also showed my partner the messages. I'd hate to continue to entertain this man and then to have a sicko like him contact my partner with the messages to say I'm reciprocating or encouraging the messages.

Also, saying that you are too busy with work to give a man a rub down in a bath is not the same as saying you are married and it would be inappropriate to give a man a rub down in a bath.

At last a response I can relate to. Well done! It is not okay for another man to ask your wife if she is wearing sexy underwear or to pop over and scrub his back. Its not okay for your wife to not delete this person for making what I would consider inappropriate advances. Its not okay for your wife to not tell you what is going on. Had she nipped it in the bud and not told you, then I could accept that. But 6 months of ongoing messages and then the cold shoulder when you find out is not good enough. Facebook can be a very dangerous place for any relationship.

The OPs post reminded me of a good friends dilemma 3 years ago. He opened a shared laptop and opened facebook. His wifes account was logged in instead of his with the chat function open and a message from a funny username that basically said, is this a safe way to talk? Don't want my wife to find out LOL! The response from his wife was yea should be. Don't want my husband finding out either. LOL! My friend had screen grabbed it. Okay this was certainly a more worrying scenario than the OPs as it turned out his wife had been to a school reunion, met an ex and he set up a fake facebook account to start contact. He was devastated, but his wife denied anything was going on and she was just been stupid. He accepted this. To this day though he stills tells me that the doubt has never left his head. Thats what is happening with the OP. Doubt. And only his wife can help him with that doubt by being reasonable, truthful and explaining why she entertained this guy on facebook for 6 months.

Fabric Softener

OP she is way out of order. Don't accept this behavour from her.

BraziliaNZ

Sittingpretty wrote: »

That being said, I honestly can't answer why I've not deleted him already. I have no reason and I think your wife may feel the same?

Well you do have reason. He's disrespected you, your husband, and his own wife by talking inappropriately with you. He crossed a line he shouldn't have. I'd like to think if I ever have a wife she'd remove someone who started that type of thing out of respect for me and common sense really.

Sittingpretty

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Well you do have reason. He's disrespected you, your husband, and his own wife by talking inappropriately with you. He crossed a line he shouldn't have. I'd like to think if I ever have a wife she'd remove someone who started that type of thing out of respect for me and common sense really.

Honestly I completely agree with you. It's misplaced loyalty I suppose plus I know his Mum quite well and didn't want to deal with the repercussions of deleting him with her if it ever came up in conversation as she is quite active on FB also.

Corkblowin

Sittingpretty wrote: »

Honestly I completely agree with you. It's misplaced loyalty I suppose plus I know his Mum quite well and didn't want to deal with the repercussions of deleting him with her if it ever came up in conversation as she is quite active on FB also.

So you're more concerned with the feelings of the mother of some guy than your own husband...........

Sittingpretty

Corkblowin wrote: »

So you're more concerned with the feelings of the mother of some guy than your own husband...........

Of course not. That's a rather nasty conclusion but you're entitled to your opinion.

Taltos

Closing this thread instead of issuing infractions against those that continue to drag the thread off topic, especially considering a request to stay on topic was only issued.

Sittingpretty, BraziliaNZ, Corkblowin - next time we will not be so lenient which for at least one of you will mean a 6month ban.