25 and bad at making friends?

franceese

I'm trying to wrap my head around something and I would appreciate any advice anyone has to contribute. Sorry for the wall of text but I wanted to give it a bit a context.

I've had the same circle of friends since secondary school, there's 10 of us all together. However, since we were in school it's been noted on many occasions that was a divide in the group, and I still think there is. Like an inner circle and I feel very much on the outside.

It seems that the other girls are in the habit of talking amongst themselves organising nights out, hanging out together, keeping each other up to date with what's happening in their lives. If it's a birthday or a big event sure I get invited along, but when I get there it become obvious that I'm not in on any in-jokes, I don't know what's going on with people, I haven't met peoples' work-friends or hardly know peoples' siblings ...

I know friendship should go both ways, and multiple times over the years I've tried to make that extra effort and strike up conversation online or text message but I get shot down. Recently I tried to organise to have a few girls drop over to my house to hang out, because I very rarely, almost never, have them over, and of the 3 who replied, one then chose to stay home and the other 2 went out together - to the bar where my boyfriend works of all places, with not so much as a word to me.

More and more often, I've found myself on the phone to my boyfriend, in tears. Upset that people I've known for 10years don't appear to want to hang out with me or talk to me unless it's a big group deal. I started a new job this month and ONE person got in touch with me about it. I'm feeling less and less inclined to go along if I'm invited along somewhere because I enjoy it less and less, just feeling left out as everyone else talks around me.

My boyfriend has told me that if I'm unhappy to say it to them, or if I don't think anything will change to move on and make new friends ... but, I honestly don't think I know how to. I used to think I did, but my longest-running friendships don't seem to have faired so well and I've lost all confidence when it comes to meeting new people and forming new friendships. I don't know what's too clingy, what's too distant.

My fear is that everyone at this stage has a set circle of friends. School, college, work or whatever ... so where does that leave me??

How do I turn around to people I've known for 10 years and say I feel I don't know them anymore - without just being on the receiving end of a wave of shallow pity that lasts for maybe a few weeks and everything goes back to normal...?

Wanderer2010

OP, first of all I can assure you that not everybody has a fixed circle of friends/people in their lives as they get older. In fact a large number of people in their 30s and 40s have to depend on Meetup.com or local clubs just to connect with others. Im 33 and I have a handful of people in the work/outside clubs to call to hand, and I only have these 4 because of a lot of effort I made to put myself out there. The whole myth of Facebook leads people to believe that everyone over 18 is out clubbing every night hugging all their 12000 friends is just that: a myth.

From your post it seems you have outgrown your old circle of friends but are too upset at the way they are treating you to admit this to yourself. Yes its bad that they seem to be just treating you as a 3rd wheel after so many years of being with you but maybe they want to move on from you as they are getting different interests etc. This might be the ideal time to take stock of what you are interested in- research the locality and Meetup.com to see if there are any meetings in that field and start to slowly branch out, even starting out at one night a week in an evening course, just to get used to the idea if having a new circle. And from there try to join a sports/walking/music club etc and see what social activities there are.

The trick is to start slow OP, its not easy to make a new group of friends but it can be done. The main thing to keep in mind is that not everyone is out there 7 nights a week living it up, lots of people are in your position and are also older than you. If you make the effort to meet a few new people you will get a stronger sense of what you want in a friendship and move in that direction. Theres nothing worse than clinging to a friendship because of tenure- I had a mate I knew since I was 4 and after the age of 27 we had truly run out of things to say and spent out rare meeting going on about the "good old days", it was painful and forced so I had to call it a day and now only see him once a year. Friendships do fizzle out OP, ask yourself would you want these people in your life in 3 yrs time if they are making you feel this bad? Good luck.

jamesr123

To be honest mate can you not be happy as you are? I'm in college and most of the lads in the class would consider me a good friend but I never see them outside of college and i'v never had any real close mates but I'm more than happy with that to be honest. I fin it amazing the amount of people desperate for friends. I just don't get it

franceese

jamesr123 wrote: »

To be honest mate can you not be happy as you are? I'm in college and most of the lads in the class would consider me a good friend but I never see them outside of college and i'v never had any real close mates but I'm more than happy with that to be honest. I fin it amazing the amount of people desperate for friends. I just don't get it

I'm just the type of person who likes a support system. And we used to be close. I'm not desperate for friends by any means, but I'd like to know I had some people I could call friends - which I don't feel I can atm.

In college it's different, you see people most days so it's easy to have casual friendships during your time together.

To be honest, I think both you and I are of two very different mind sets in two different situations

franceese

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, first of all I can assure you that not everybody has a fixed circle of friends/people in their lives as they get older. In fact a large number of people in their 30s and 40s have to depend on Meetup.com or local clubs just to connect with others.

Thank you for this advice, I did a quick search and found one or two I might go along to ... I had thought about it before, but it might be time to make more of an effort.

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

From your post it seems you have outgrown your old circle of friends but are too upset at the way they are treating you to admit this to yourself. Yes its bad that they seem to be just treating you as a 3rd wheel after so many years of being with you but maybe they want to move on from you as they are getting different interests etc.

This right here is the definition of an inconvenient truth for me. But I think you may have hit the nail on the head in many ways ...

I really appreciate your input, and I'll take your comments, and personal experiences on board while I give this some much needed thought.

cloudatlas

Friends don't treat other friends like this. Friends don't exclude friends, they don't ignore texts, they don't refuse invitations without valid reasons. They sound like absolutely vile individuals and the sooner you realize this and look for people who are nice and treat you well the better. I would drop them.