World Cup and Boyfriend

dubgirl4life

would you mind your boyfriend going to the world cup with a group of friends for 8 weeks in total?:( All opinions welcome!

ElleEm

No. If he wanted to, and could afford it, then why would I be bothered?!

Chattastrophe!

It depends on the circumstances. If we had kids together, maybe it wouldn't be the best idea to leave for eight weeks. But otherwise, I can't see any problem with it.

Sauve

Mod

Thread moved to Relationship Issues, please note that their charter now applies.

Brego888

If my girlfriend tried to stop me going on a once in a lifetime trip like that she wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore.

Meauldsegosha

I would miss him terribly but it's a once in a lifetime trip so I wouldn't mind.

3DataModem

dubgirl4life wrote: »

would you mind your boyfriend going to the world cup with a group of friends for 8 weeks in total?:( All opinions welcome!

8 weeks? Nice. He's clearly into it, so I'd be supportive. Just get yourself tested a month or two after he comes back, just in case.

Czarcasm

dubgirl4life wrote: »

would you mind your boyfriend going to the world cup with a group of friends for 8 weeks in total?:( All opinions welcome!

OP could you give a little more background as to how the question came up, and why you're having an issue with it?

If my wife told me she was travelling to the other side of the world for two months, you're damn right I'd have a couple of questions about it, once in a lifetime chance or not!

dubgirl4life

thanks everyone. I heard the hiv rate is 60% in Rio. I know he would never cheat but am afraid of him not being in control, i.e excessive drink/drugs.

ronjo

dubgirl4life wrote: »

thanks everyone. I heard the hiv rate is 60% in Rio. I know he would never cheat but am afraid of him not being in control, i.e excessive drink/drugs.

Where did you hear that?

dubgirl4life

well we are together 6 years. He's starting a new highly stressful job in Sept so feels it's now r never travel wise, as he won't have the 2 months off again. He loves football and wants to see SA. I am not happy about it because it's supposedly very dangerous, and yes, there will be lots of temptation. I feel 100% supportive at times, then I feel like I am being an gullible eejit, I don't know what to think!

ElleEm

dubgirl4life wrote: »

thanks everyone. I heard the hiv rate is 60% in Rio. I know he would never cheat but am afraid of him not being in control, i.e excessive drink/drugs.

He is (presumably) a grown man. He is travelling with friends, so will not be alone. Have you reason to be concerned about his alcohol or drug intake?

Chattastrophe!

Doesn't matter how much "temptation" is there, it comes down to whether you trust him or not.

dubgirl4life

No, he'd drink a bit, not a lot. I'd be afraid of him being slipped drugs. He is going with all single men, so just wondering what he will do while they are otherwise engaged!

zl1whqvjs75cdy

They won't all pull every night it'll be grand.

Meauldsegosha

dubgirl4life wrote: »

No, he'd drink a bit, not a lot. I'd be afraid of him being slipped drugs. He is going with all single men, so just wondering what he will do while they are otherwise engaged!

He could get slipped drugs when out in Dublin and, presumably, goes out with his single friends. Are you afraid for him then?

.jacksparrow.

He won't get hiv from been slipped drugs!

Czarcasm

dubgirl4life wrote: »

well we are together 6 years. He's starting a new highly stressful job in Sept so feels it's now r never travel wise, as he won't have the 2 months off again. He loves football and wants to see SA. I am not happy about it because it's supposedly very dangerous, and yes, there will be lots of temptation. I feel 100% supportive at times, then I feel like I am being an gullible eejit, I don't know what to think!

Completely understandable that you'd feel this way OP, it's not an easy one and you would indeed be an idiot if you didn't have your reservations about your boyfriend's safety. At the same time, you can minimize your reservations with reassurance from your boyfriend, and reasoning with yourself that some of your fears are rational, and some are completely irrational. One thing I will say is you'll hear an awful lot of myths bandied around about what a group of lads going away on football trips will get up to, and 99 times out of 100, that's all they are- myths. Lads go to enjoy the football, have a few drinks and soak up the atmosphere of the event.

dubgirl4life wrote: »

No, he'd drink a bit, not a lot. I'd be afraid of him being slipped drugs. He is going with all single men, so just wondering what he will do while they are otherwise engaged!

You need to get images like "The Hangover" out of your mind OP tbh. You'll freak yourself out rightly and won't be able to relax, and in the months leading up to the event, driving your boyfriend up the walls, and completely taking all the good out of it.

Your boyfriend's mates won't feck off leaving him on his own like you're thinking. They're all going to be looking out for each other. I'd suggest you sit down with your boyfriend and get interested in the trip so that way you're not only clued in about the trip, but you're also reassured that you'll have more of an idea about what's going on when and where.

Work out some sort of a plan too when you'll be able to talk to each other over Skype, or text, whatever, just for both your reassurances sakes and peace of mind.

Tasden

Op maybe your bf thinks that your relationship is stable enough to be apart from each other for 8 weeks without being unfaithful, considering he's also trusting you alone for eight weeks without him.

dubgirl4life

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think it'll put a strain on our relationship. I am a terrible worrier I can't help it. It's hard to be excited for him when I think it's a bit selfish, but I hope by the time it comes, I will be used to the idea and won't mind so much.

ElleEm

dubgirl4life wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think it'll put a strain on our relationship. I am a terrible worrier I can't help it. It's hard to be excited for him when I think it's a bit selfish, but I hope by the time it comes, I will be used to the idea and won't mind so much.

Hang on, why is it selfish?
In your last posts, you were were saying it was cos you were worried he would do drugs.

Czarcasm

ElleEm wrote: »

Hang on, why is it selfish?
In your last posts, you were were saying it was cos you were worried he would do drugs.

Well I'm guessing, but perhaps the OP is thinking that her boyfriend hasn't given her concerns any consideration.

I wonder has the OP even expressed her concerns to her boyfriend so that they could talk about it?

Kidchameleon

dubgirl4life wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think it'll put a strain on our relationship. I am a terrible worrier I can't help it. It's hard to be excited for him when I think it's a bit selfish, but I hope by the time it comes, I will be used to the idea and won't mind so much.

I think it is you who is being selfish.

ABajaninCork

Nope! An ex of mine went to the FA Cup final when it was in Cardiff, then promptly buggered off to the Euro 2004. Did I mind? No - I was absolutely bloody delighted!! Gave me a chance to do my own thing...

At the end of the day, he's your bloke not your crutch. He's a grown man. Let him do his thing. If you're so worried about it, why don't you book a week or two and join him there??

iwantmydinner

OP your concerns are as follows, if I'm following you correctly:

- you're afraid he'll cheat while drunk
- you're afraid he'll contract HIV
- you're afraid he'll have his drinks spiked
- you're afraid for his physical safety
- you're worried what'll happen if/ when his mates pull and leave him alone

Have you spoken to him about these concerns? To be honest, any of these things could happen on a night out at home.

Is there any chance you just don't like the idea of him going away and these issues aren't the real problem? Your mention of the trip being selfish made me wonder that.

dubgirl4life

My concerns are all of the above, as so clearly defined by the above poster. Maybe I am being selfish, hence the confusion!

ABajaninCork

iwantmydinner wrote: »

OP your concerns are as follows, if I'm following you correctly:

- you're afraid he'll cheat while drunk
- you're afraid he'll contract HIV
- you're afraid he'll have his drinks spiked
- you're afraid for his physical safety
- you're worried what'll happen if/ when his mates pull and leave him alone

Have you spoken to him about these concerns? To be honest, any of these things could happen on a night out at home.

Is there any chance you just don't like the idea of him going away and these issues aren't the real problem? Your mention of the trip being selfish made me wonder that.

I'd agree with this. Sorry OP, but if that's what you're thinking, then it screams 'I don't trust him' to me. It's obvious. And if you don't trust him, then why are you with him?

Like I say. He's a grown man. Do you really believe he isn't aware of the dangers whilst abroad? And as others have said - they could just as easily happen here. Yes HIV infection rates are very high in Brazil. They are also on the increase here. Did you know that?

If you love your man, then start trusting him, treat him like an adult and stop trying to treat him like a baby. Otherwise, you'll drive him away.

Czarcasm

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Is there any chance you just don't like the idea of him going away and these issues aren't the real problem? Your mention of the trip being selfish made me wonder that.

In fairness though, there's a hell of a difference though between her boyfriend heading out with his mates for a few hours on a night out, and the OP and her boyfriend not seeing each other for two months, regardless of any other issues.

riffmongous

My advice OP is be wary of the advice you get here, if you do not allow your other half to do whatever they want then the assumption here (with the exception of Czarcasm) is that you are crazy/controlling/selfish and so your concerns spring from this.. and it will be up to you to prove otherwise..

ElleEm

Czarcasm wrote: »

In fairness though, there's a hell of a difference though between her boyfriend heading out with his mates for a few hours on a night out, and the OP and her boyfriend not seeing each other for two months, regardless of any other issues.

Plenty of relationships survive where the couple don't see each other for this length of time- she won't die! And they can still be in contact.

It seems to boil down to trust. The OP really needs to speak to her boyfriend openly about it before it destroys them.

Czarcasm

ElleEm wrote: »

Plenty of relationships survive where the couple don't see each other for this length of time- she won't die! And they can still be in contact.

It seems to boil down to trust. The OP really needs to speak to her boyfriend openly about it before it destroys them.

I just don't think it's quite as simple as trust. The OP has valid concern for her boyfriend's safety. Sure, he's an adult and he's with the lads and all, but does that mean the OP should just adopt the "ah sure, be grand" attitude?

I do agree with you though that the OP needs to share her concerns with her boyfriend and they need to talk about it so at least he has the opportunity to reassure her about some of her concerns.

dobman88

Why is he going to the World Cup when Ireland aren't there? Is he Irish? Is he genuinely going to games or is he just goin for a holiday.

If he is a genuine fan, fine. If it is just a jolly for two months then that's different.

iwantmydinner

Czarcasm wrote: »

In fairness though, there's a hell of a difference though between her boyfriend heading out with his mates for a few hours on a night out, and the OP and her boyfriend not seeing each other for two months, regardless of any other issues.

Yeah totally true.

But I'm coming from the point of view of someone who went away travelling for two months with my mates, and my boyfriend at the time was totally cool with it. It would have really bothered me if he hadn't trusted me to go and be safe and faithful.

December2012

dobman88 wrote: »

Why is he going to the World Cup when Ireland aren't there? Is he Irish? Is he genuinely going to games or is he just goin for a holiday.

If he is a genuine fan, fine. If it is just a jolly for two months then that's different.

Idont think it's different at all. Why does he have to be a genuine fan? He's a grown man who wants to do this amazing trip. I'm not a genuine fan of football but if I had the means and the opportunity to go to Brazil I would, so would many people!

Two months fun is two months fun. Bring it on!

Any of the things that the OP is concerned about could happen in Ireland.

I wonder OP, is your main concern that you'll miss him and he won't miss you?

Czarcasm

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Yeah totally true.

But I'm coming from the point of view of someone who went away travelling for two months with my mates, and my boyfriend at the time was totally cool with it. It would have really bothered me if he hadn't trusted me to go and be safe and faithful.

Totally get where you're coming from iwmd, but we all have our different ideas, etc, say for instance my wife has travelled all round Europe on hols with her mates, me I travel regularly round the country with work, but that's irrelevant to the OP, so usually what I try to do in these threads anyway is put myself in the OPs shoes so to speak and try to see the situation from their point of view, so if my wife decided with her mates that they wanted to travel to Rio (let's be honest, it's not the safest city in the world, and it's a world apart from heading down to Coppers or whatever on a night out) for two months, yeah, I'd really be thinking about safety, not whether there's a chance my OH might cheat or not.

If I were in the OP's shoes, I wouldn't try to stop him going, but I'd certainly be looking to be reassured that they knew what they were doing and that there was a proper plan in place to minimize my fears. That'd be only natural for most people I would've thought.

The OP has obviously heard plenty of myths about the "lads weekends away", etc, and that's feeding her fears, but maybe there's more going on in the six years they're together that we're not privy to, so it's hard to make any clear call on this one other than say with the information presented, they'd want to sit down and really talk this one out.

CaraMay

Op your gut is roaring at you so listen to it. Is there any point voicing your concerns? He is unlikely to change his mind about the trip IMHO. I think you either let him off and don't think of it again of else finish with him so you can both be single for the few months. Tbh it would be a rare man who would stay single away with the lads for two months in Brazil. Why not take a break from the relationship while he is away and see how you feel when he gets back?

dubgirl4life

Thank you Cara for your advice. I don't really want to call time on a 6year relationship. I think when it comes down to it it is a natural concern and I am sure lots of girls in long term relationships would be unhappy about their boyfriend going away for 2 months, for whatever reason.

CaraMay

dubgirl4life wrote: »

Thank you Cara for your advice. I don't really want to call time on a 6year relationship. I think when it comes down to it it is a natural concern and I am sure lots of girls in long term relationships would be unhappy about their boyfriend going away for 2 months, for whatever reason.

I totally agree but I was trying to make the point that there is no middle ground in that he will either go or he won't. I personally think 8 weeks is a very long time and would not be overly happy about it myself. The point I'm making is that you are not happy about it so if he goes you won't be haopy. Even if he says he won't drink too much, won't do drugs, won't cheat etc, would you truly believe him and be in a space to be totally relaxed about him going?

dubgirl4life

you're right. I would probably be a doubting thomas. If he goes, I'll be unhappy, if he stays, he'll be unhappy. My only option is to watch him go and hope for the best.

meeeeh

December2012 wrote: »

Two months fun is two months fun. Bring it on!

Any of the things that the OP is concerned about could happen in Ireland.

I've been to Rio. It is a great city but whoever thinks it's just like Ireland is naive. You have to be a lot more careful.

Op, it is about trust. Do you trust him that he will stay faithful and more importantly that he won't be reckless? Tbh I don't think you can do much more than ask him to be responsible. For what it's worth I think there is a lot higher chance of being mugged than contracting HIV.

dubgirl4life

Thanks Meeeh, that is my concern above everything else. There is civil unrest there at the moment. I am sure security will be very tight, that's some consolation. You are completely right, I'll have to hope that he will be careful and responsible, hopefully he'll be on guard. He is quite naive, has never travelled before, hence my concern. : )

dellas1979

dubgirl4life wrote: »

Thanks Meeeh, that is my concern above everything else. There is civil unrest there at the moment. I am sure security will be very tight, that's some consolation. You are completely right, I'll have to hope that he will be careful and responsible, hopefully he'll be on guard. He is quite naive, has never travelled before, hence my concern. : )

Im really sorry how this might come across, but like, you sound like his mammy.

Ive no doubt you are concerned for his safety, but shur if we were all scared all of the time, we'd never go anywhere!

It seems you are very, overly concerned about him being responsible (including what he might get up to). All about you you you. Rather than leaving the responsibility with him and trusting him, and focussing on what an amazing trip he could have.

If you try and stop him going, because of your issues, he will resent you.

meeeeh

dubgirl4life wrote: »

Thanks Meeeh, that is my concern above everything else. There is civil unrest there at the moment. I am sure security will be very tight, that's some consolation. You are completely right, I'll have to hope that he will be careful and responsible, hopefully he'll be on guard. He is quite naive, has never travelled before, hence my concern. : )

I was there about ten years ago and I didn't have any problems. I also met people who did. Sticking to basic precautions and avoiding certain areas should be enough. I understand why you are worried but I also don't think there is much you can do.
 

Zed Bank

You are treating him like a 14 year old child going to his first teenage disco, hes going to watch some football with his friends and you are already jumping to the conclusion he will get aids. Am I missing something here?

DeltaWhite

Zed Bank wrote: »

You are treating him like a 14 year old child going to his first teenage disco, hes going to watch some football with his friends and you are already jumping to the conclusion he will get aids. Am I missing something here?

Did you miss the bit where she said she's a worrier? Obviously..

I'm a worrier too and I don't think her concerns are that bad for people to be jumping down her throat, she's asking for advice not criticism.

Have to agree with CaraMay, I don't think I'd be impressed if I was in OP's situation. But that's the thing about difference, some people wouldn't mind, some people would.

dellas1979

I've no sympathy for so called "worriers". And passing off controlling tendancies as being "worried".

Thats a choice that person makes, to worry about things that probably never will happen.

Youd worry a lot less if you lived in the present.

ABajaninCork

Have a read of this, OP. Travel Advice for Brazil. This is the travel advice for Irish citizens given by the DFA.

Also read this: FCO Travel Advice Brazil. This is advice given by the FCO in the UK and is more comprehensive than that given by the DFA.

Print them off, and give them to your bloke to read and digest. And then? Leave him to it!

Legs.Eleven

Visited Rio for a week or so while travelling on my own in South America and two things I would recommend you tell him:


- To mind his belongings. Bring nothing of value out with him on the streets at all and to wear in a money belt on the inside of his shorts/trousers with only the money he needs for the day/night. I was the only person not robbed in my hostel because I took those precautions.

- Don't wander into a favela accidentally. They do guided tours into the favelas but I wouldn't even bother with that.



Besides from the very overly touchy men in a lot of the bars there, I was grand and I'm female. If he has a reasonable amount of common sense, he'll be fine and if he's with his good mates, he should have no problems.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, are you genuinely worried about his safety or is it more, as you have hinted at, you think it is selfish of him to go off on an 8 week jaunt with the lads?

To be honest, if he is determined to go, then there's nothing you can really do about whichever of those it is... But... The one thing you should absolutely do, especially after 6 years, is be honest with him.

If it's because you think he is selfish, then you have to tell him that. If you start faffing about with loads of different concerns about his safety which seem to change every time discuss it, then he can easily pick them apart and dismiss them all by telling you, you are worrying unnecessarily, he's a grown man etc... etc...

I don't think it would bother me hugely, but I also appreciate why it would bother others. So you need to talk to him.

gandalf

Another way to look at this OP is are there things that you wanted to do but couldn't because your partner was not into them. If there are then you have 2 months to do them. Just because he is away fulfilling his dream of seeing a world cup doesn't mean you have to sit at home being miserable. This could be a great opportunity for you to do something you have always wanted to and in the long run could strengthen your relationship more.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

I've no sympathy for so called "worriers". And passing off controlling tendancies as being "worried".

Thats a choice that person makes, to worry about things that probably never will happen.

Youd worry a lot less if you lived in the present.

Tbh, I think you are pee'd off that he's going, and you don't trust him - and that you are disguising this (maybe even to yourself) as worries/concerns. The thing about that is that it comes across as a bit of a guilt trip, and it won't achieve anything except get his back up. I agree with the post above, that 'worry' is often just 'control' at the back of it. He isn't going to a war torn region, so being as worried as you say come across as a bit over the top.

Which brings us back to being pee'd off: I wouldn't be thrilled myself, but unless he's leaving you looking after kids / parents / blowing the mortgage repayments, then it would be very unfair to stand in his way or drop lots of hints to him.

I think the real issue is trust: you just don't trust him on a lads trip for that length of time. Has he given you any reason to think this? The only difference is that there's a more concentrated time away - do you really think that he couldn't cheat if he was here? That he couldn't have an affair? He could hook up every time he was out, if he was so inclined (and devious enough). He could see someone in work. So the fact that he 'could' cheat exists regardless of location. At the back of your mind, I think the real problem is that you think he WOULD cheat - and that's why you don't want him to go. That's not a problem with Rio - that's a problem with your relationship.