Thurs funums

MonkieSocks

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string, and he walks into a whorehouse.

He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby

"I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here."

She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here."

The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."

She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran."

He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up.

The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions.

He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted."

Confused, she asks him why.

He replies,

"My mom and dad are on vacation.

When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me.

That's what she's into.

She's going to get an STD.

When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter.

He will have an STD.

Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD.

When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfooker who ran over my frog."

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Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the 9-1-1 call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help.

He said she was a very brave girl and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

_____________________________________________________________________

A policeman searched me in a Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said,

"Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"