Monday Funnies

MonkieSocks · 11-11-2013 7:11pm #1

A businessman comes out of a Vegas casino in great haste, and hails a cab.

"Quickly!" he says "I have to get to New York to close a business deal, and I just lost the last of my cash in there.

If you rush me to the airport now, I'll forward you the fare plus a hundred bucks as soon as I get back."

"Yeah, right," says the cabbie, "like I ain't heard that story before.

Fifty bucks cash up front or no ride, feller."

And, deaf to all entreaties, he leaves the man and his deal to go to hell.

Some months later the businessman is back in Vegas, and he budgets more wisely.

So he still has cash on him when he goes out to the cab rank.

He spots the cabbie from last time but also a dozen other cars in front of him; and he goes to one of these and opens the door.

"Hiya! Fifty bucks to the airport?" he asks.

"Yep, that'll do fine," says the driver, "in you get."

The businessman gets in and adds

"How about I give you another fifty, and you give me a blowjob?”

The cabbie, enraged, tells him to get to **** out of his cab, so he goes to the next cab on the rank and repeats his offer, then the next, then the next.

Finally he goes to the same cabbie as last time, opens the door and says

"Fifty bucks to the airport?"

"Yep, that's fine - you got the cash?"

"I sure have," says the businessman, and hands it over.

"Learnt my lesson since last time!"

And as the cab pulls away from the rank, the businessman gives all the other cabbies a huge grin and two thumbs up.

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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"It was dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" The teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psssst!' and it didn't move."

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A man in a movie theatre notices what looks like a moose sitting next to him.

"Are you a moose?" asked the man, surprised.

"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"

The moose replied, "Well, I liked the book.

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A Chinese man is in Scotland sitting at the bar drinking a beer.

The drunk Scot sitting beside him turns to him and says

"See you, you know Karate, Kung-Fu or any of that other Bruce Lee stuff?"

Offended, the Chinese man asks

"Why? Just because I'm of Asian descent, you immediately assume we're all martial arts experts, talk with a funny accent, and eat rice every meal?"

"No" replies the Scot, "That's my beer you're drinking!"

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A couple vacationing in Italy heard that a monastery served great meals, so they thought they'd try it out.

That day, the monastery served fish and chips, and it was the best meal the couple had ever eaten.

They decided to go back to the kitchen and compliment the cook in person.

They found a man in a robe next to the stove, and the husband said,

"Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"

The man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

byrner88 · 12-11-2013 10:20pm

I remember seeing that first joke here a few years ago and only recently told it to some customers in the pub i work in

MonkieSocks · 14-11-2013 8:29pm

byrner88 wrote: »

I remember seeing that first joke here a few years ago and only recently told it to some customers in the pub i work in

Here's another one for ya Byrner

Charles Dickens walks into a Bar: Please, sir, I’d like a Martini.

Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?

James Joyce walks into a Bar: I’ll take a Guinness.

Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.

James Joyce: (drinks)

Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, “Olive or twist?”

James Joyce: (drinks)

Bartender: You see, it’s funny because he wrote a book called “Oliver Twist.”

James Joyce: What a Sh1ty joke.

Ernest Hemingway walks into a Bar: Gin.

Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.

Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fook off.

Mark Twain walks into a Bar: Give me a brandy.

Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.

Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!

Bartender: (tearful

) You did that on purpose, didn’t you?