Sunday Funnies

MonkieSocks

A recent questionnaire asked 100 women if their c#*t twitched after sex.

98% replied No, he usually just rolls over and falls asleep

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Picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my Taxi and dropped her off at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle.

"You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."

"My fookin scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole," she replied.

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A gay guy I work with came up to me today and said, "I wish I was your wife."

I said, "No, you don't - she never takes it up the arse."

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A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was falling every time a bus was passing by.

So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here?"

Repairman:” Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
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A middle-aged woman reads that vaginas get wider and deeper with age.

So she tries to check her own by stripping off, putting a mirror on the floor and spreading her legs over it.

Suddenly,

Her husband comes in and grabs her arm, violently pulling her away from where the mirror is laying.

"You could have broken my arm!" she shouts at him.

He points at the mirror and says

"But if you'd fallen down that hole, you would have broken your fookin neck."