Thought I was bi am I really just a lesbian?

Lou.m

Ok sorry this is going to be long.

I suppose my first indication that i was living and experiencing life differently came at about 12/13. I was friends with a girl who was starting to date boys. Or well at least get off with them whilst sitting on a wall etc. I kept wondering when those feelings would kick in for me. I could not understand why they weren't and it worried me I just felt numb to that. I felt i might be bi. I started to develop very intense friendships with other girls ( well one or two) and some of them would take it further. But it would be them initiating that contact.

Speed through to 17 and despite being and feeling attractive and being approached I had still never been kissed by a guy ( at this time I was in a co ed school so there were many around). I still was wondering what was up with me. I was at a friends house and her boyfriend brought his mate around. He asked me out and I thought well I had better bite the bullet and do this finally. I have to say he was a nice guy good looking but sexual activity left me cold with him. I just thought I was weird.

I should say I was sort of naive and not very worldly.

I had to accept though that I had a lot of fantasies about girls and had experienced a lot of intimate feelings. But the idea of living life honestly in that model scared me. I interpreted the world around me as being unfriendly towards gays/lesbians. ( To be honest it was/is somewhat I went to a convent school until i was 15)

In Uni it sort of got weird. I had a girl who I was friends with whom I was convinced was gay or bi I kind of fell for her but she had a boyfriend so obviously I respected that and never tried to be anything but a good friend to her. But I crushed hard. I was comfortable to discuss being bi a couple of times with my Mum and some friends.

At this time a guy took an interest in me. I was not really sure what was going on. I could never read him. It took me by surprise that he liked me at all. But we had a lot in common I thought he was cool. And to be honest for the first time i thought maybe i could have sexual feelings for a guy. But there was no connection in some ways. But we dated for a bit and things got sexual and I was aroused. But well I think he felt something was 'off' emotionally I was switched off. We never got matey. And he then broke it off I was upset and kind of confused. We were never 'in sink ' feeling wise and I felt my interactions were 'off'.

Then a while later another guy took an interest in me and we ended up dating for 2 years. I had great trouble with the sexual aspect of this relationship despite maybe having a greater emotional connection. However this relationship was abusive and traumatic.

I have had flings with girls and have had a comfortable sexual and emotional connection and could see myself totally falling in love with a female.

I would be lying if I said I had no sexual or emotional feelings for males but something is either less strong or not right there. Recently those feelings for males have been getting weaker and colder though. It is like a numbness to men sexually. And I tend to only now get aroused by female lesbian fantasy at the moment. When I envisage myself in an emotional relationship with a woman I feel at ease and more feminine. I always had those feelings.

When I envisage myself with a man I feel awkward. But it used not to be that way.

I went to counselling for another issue and my psychiatrist out and out asked me if i was a lesbian. I said I was bi and asked why he thought to ask he said he just thought i might be. I thought it was unusual to to out and out ask.

I get hit on by women a lot. 'Why is that significant you ask?' well i find it seems to be my interaction with them that gives a signal or something. Gadar. I don't mean to do it but i can see i am doing it??? I can see the interaction or pheromone thing happening or something I don't know how to describe it.


Is this a case of a bi girl having a bad experience with a guy and that affecting her or am I just gay?

I have a feeling I will realize this myself or come to terms with it. However I would appreciate opinions.

I have heard it said by some that the Bi spectrum means some bi people are more attracted to one sex. I would say I am much much more attracted to women sexually and emotionally but I have never made an effort to meet women. Everything that happened with women just happened naturally without me planning it. Friendships with women tend to go there or something. Or I attract gay women to me.

I have always been a supporter of gay rights. But I would be pretty scared to come out. My mother has been told by me that I am 'bi' since I was 13 but she calls it 'fluidity'. I am starting to think that is the most annoying and confusing phrase.

I am in my late twenties now ....I should have this **** figured.

Maybe I am seeing Ireland as more homophobic than it is.

Thank you for reading this

Sorry if you get posts like this all the time.

ewan whose army

I have always been a supporter of gay rights. But I would be pretty scared to come out. My mother has been told by me that I am 'bi' since I was 13 but she calls it 'fluidity'. I am starting to think that is the most annoying and confusing phrase.

Don't worry about labels, for a while I thought I was Bisexual (maybe its seen as easier identifying as bi) when I was a teenager, yes I went to a Catholic school and yes I was told its wrong. Being a teenage boy in the noughties in the UK (i am 23 now) everyone had FHM, Redline etc. and were gawking at girls, I never got interested in that stuff I just saw it moronic (I was a jerk) and when other picked up on this I was bullied, I told Mum I think I am bisexual to which she said "its a phase ignore it"

Said phase never went away, I just became attracted to guys, which culminated with me getting with a guy in my first week of uni (away from everyone who told me its a phase or wrong) pretty much confirmed that I am as gay as they come since I never felt that way about a girl.

I wish it was easier, seriously I dream of a world where "coming out" is mundane just "hey Mum, I am gay this is my boyfriend" to an answer "thats nice" or something that mundane.

Maybe I am seeing Ireland as more homophobic than it is.

I was also depressed (self harming) and was in therapy (I was still scared to be open about my sexuality and I was partially in denial) but my therapist got me to go to pride and be "as gay as I can" which actually helped me a lot, it just felt so liberating, Dublin at least isn't homophobic only a couple of idiots. Pride is huge now. But if you are having doubts about it like you are then the world does seem homophobic to you.

I am in my late twenties now ....I should have this **** figured.

Don't think like that II didn't have crap like that sorted until I was 22, I only came out last year

playedalive

OP I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. I am only 22 now and I came out firstly as bisexual. Then, I did more soulsearching and now see myself as gay. During my life, I suffered a lot with depression, anxiety, hated school, low self-esteem and family problems so I never really was in the mindframe to explore my sexual feelings. In my personal life, I was very isolated from when people had the freedom to work it out and come to terms with who they were years before me. I guess being very isolated meant that I easily became attached to all sorts of people who were really nice, friendly (since I grew up with not very nice people around me). So I guess I became attracted to different types of people and maybe I was bisexual.

But then when I came out. I realised eventually that there are different levels of attraction. While I found I gelled with girls and some guys, I found that it was more a meeting of personalities than actual 'I want to be with you' romantic feelings. As time went on, it became clearer that I fancied guys more romantically than girls and saw guys generally in a different light this way. So I came out again as gay.

I think sexuality is not so clear cut, so don't blame yourself for saying you're bi or lesbian. Through different threads on this forum, I questioned my sexuality time and time again. I think a lot of people firstly identify as bisexual when they are soulsearching. While some people might say bisexual (when they are really gay), I don't think it's mostly in vicious self denial as many people will try to make you believe. I did for a time think that I had intimate feelings for both genders, but then, the penny dropped after a while and things became clearer.

So don't worry about not having a handle on your attractions. It will make sense eventually.

Lou.m

ewan whose army wrote: »

Don't worry about labels, for a while I thought I was Bisexual (maybe its seen as easier identifying as bi) when I was a teenager, yes I went to a Catholic school and yes I was told its wrong. Being a teenage boy in the noughties in the UK (i am 23 now) everyone had FHM, Redline etc. and were gawking at girls, I never got interested in that stuff I just saw it moronic (I was a jerk) and when other picked up on this I was bullied, I told Mum I think I am bisexual to which she said "its a phase ignore it"

Said phase never went away, I just became attracted to guys, which culminated with me getting with a guy in my first week of uni (away from everyone who told me its a phase or wrong) pretty much confirmed that I am as gay as they come since I never felt that way about a girl.

I wish it was easier, seriously I dream of a world where "coming out" is mundane just "hey Mum, I am gay this is my boyfriend" to an answer "thats nice" or something that mundane.


I was also depressed (self harming) and was in therapy (I was still scared to be open about my sexuality and I was partially in denial) but my therapist got me to go to pride and be "as gay as I can" which actually helped me a lot, it just felt so liberating, Dublin at least isn't homophobic only a couple of idiots. Pride is huge now. But if you are having doubts about it like you are then the world does seem homophobic to you.




Don't think like that II didn't have crap like that sorted until I was 22, I only came out last year

What a brave journey :-) I thank you for your story.

Wow I am glad you are living in joy now as yourself. I really am sending you hugs and positives wishes :-) I hope you never feel that low again. You are not alone in feeling the pressure in that way I have heard similar stories of people who went through tough times. Coming out seems to remove a lot of psychological barriers and blocks in other areas of life.

I think I am worried about my family as there is a lot of other issues beyond my control going on now that are putting pressure on us I don't want to add to them.

My father is ill with prostrate cancer and his sexual functions will be affected by the treatment to an unknown extent and i feel bringing this up might just be rubbing his face in it or something and I feel we don't need the added issue.

Plus a childhood friend recently was killed and their family was very close to ours.

But I can't keep making excuses about it. I have to live an authentic life.

I just feel my mother will go 'gee she had to add to it didn't she'....

I know they are not homophobic ideologically my dad has done a lot for gay rights in the workplace (he is in HR) and my mother has supported a gay friend of my brother's who came out and we have distant gay relations.But saying all this even though they are accepting I know it will be still an event and something they have to process accept it about 'their daughter' there will be emotional issues they will pass but it will take their energy i feel. It is not going to be a small thing.

Even when i have tried to break to my mother about being bi many times ...she is sort of in denial....it's fluidity sweetheart all straight women have crushes. etc which is true ...but it is a process of acceptance.

Lou.m

playedalive wrote: »

OP I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. I am only 22 now and I came out firstly as bisexual. Then, I did more soulsearching and now see myself as gay. During my life, I suffered a lot with depression, anxiety, hated school, low self-esteem and family problems so I never really was in the mindframe to explore my sexual feelings. In my personal life, I was very isolated from when people had the freedom to work it out and come to terms with who they were years before me. I guess being very isolated meant that I easily became attached to all sorts of people who were really nice, friendly (since I grew up with not very nice people around me). So I guess I became attracted to different types of people and maybe I was bisexual.

But then when I came out. I realised eventually that there are different levels of attraction. While I found I gelled with girls and some guys, I found that it was more a meeting of personalities than actual 'I want to be with you' romantic feelings. As time went on, it became clearer that I fancied guys more romantically than girls and saw guys generally in a different light this way. So I came out again as gay.

I think sexuality is not so clear cut, so don't blame yourself for saying you're bi or lesbian. Through different threads on this forum, I questioned my sexuality time and time again. I think a lot of people firstly identify as bisexual when they are soulsearching. While some people might say bisexual (when they are really gay), I don't think it's mostly in vicious self denial as many people will try to make you believe. I did for a time think that I had intimate feelings for both genders, but then, the penny dropped after a while and things became clearer.

So don't worry about not having a handle on your attractions. It will make sense eventually.

Thank you for the support it means a lot :-)

Thank you for your story. I hope you are surrounded by loving people now and i hope it heals the past for you.

I really get that when your family is going through other stuff or you yourself are you can't really afford the emotional space to look through this. I have other emotional work to do etc.

It's sort of like that exploration requires an explanation of relationships and to be honest sometimes people / family emotional /health stuff does not really make it a good time to explore that.

Also I felt for ages it was unfair perhaps to people to explore relationships and feelings incase I or they got hurt. But I keep regretting 'that girl' i let get away last week etc.

Yes perhaps there is a spectrum of attraction but sometimes you settle on either side of the scale.

I do think that the definitely are true bi- sexuals who feel attraction for both gender sexually and emotionally and could be in a relationship with either . But I think they are rare and a lot more people are drawn more one way and identify as one or the other according to which way they tip the scales eventually . Or feelings for one gender intensify or fade as a person matures etc.

Thanks for your story, insights and support

pharmaton

I'd like to think fluidity is probably more the norm and circumstances do affect where people eventually settle. I haven't been in a relationship with a man since my early twenties and no longer think of them in a sexual capacity at all really but my interest in women has been in decline over the years and I expect it will go the same way it has with men. I do believe it's due to experiences, it is a certain numbness but I think it's just that I'm able to switch off very completely. (I attempted a response earlier but it was all over the shop)

ewan whose army

Lou.m wrote: »

What a brave journey :-) I thank you for your story.

Wow I am glad you are living in joy now as yourself. I really am sending you hugs and positives wishes :-) I hope you never feel that low again. You are not alone in feeling the pressure in that way I have heard similar stories of people who went through tough times. Coming out seems to remove a lot of psychological barriers and blocks in other areas of life.

I think I am worried about my family as there is a lot of other issues beyond my control going on now that are putting pressure on us I don't want to add to them.

My father is ill with prostrate cancer and his sexual functions will be affected by the treatment to an unknown extent and i feel bringing this up might just be rubbing his face in it or something and I feel we don't need the added issue.

Plus a childhood friend recently was killed and their family was very close to ours.

But I can't keep making excuses about it. I have to live an authentic life.

I just feel my mother will go 'gee she had to add to it didn't she'....

I know they are not homophobic ideologically my dad has done a lot for gay rights in the workplace (he is in HR) and my mother has supported a gay friend of my brother's who came out and we have distant gay relations.But saying all this even though they are accepting I know it will be still an event and something they have to process accept it about 'their daughter' there will be emotional issues they will pass but it will take their energy i feel. It is not going to be a small thing.

Even when i have tried to break to my mother about being bi many times ...she is sort of in denial....it's fluidity sweetheart all straight women have crushes. etc which is true ...but it is a process of acceptance.

Thanks.

Parents can take a while for the news to sink in, as I mentioned I came out a year ago my parents didn't know what to say, but they just said they love me. Its only really in the past couple of months that they have started to come around to the fact they have a gay son. Just remember your Mum loves you she just has to come around. She will one day I am sure, its just hard for them sometimes, although its not your problem its hers. I don't know if it will help in your situation but I told my parents exactly how I felt, how I hid it from them etc. it helped them come around.


They were more concerned about my well being, I know it shouldn't be this way but being LGBT makes life a little harder, until recently we had next to no rights, and even now people still persecute us look at Northern Ireland where religion still prevents same sex marriage or adoption to take place. Plus having a nurse for a Mum made her give me the "talk" when she realised that I am sexually active which was awkward.

Lou.m

ewan whose army wrote: »

Thanks.

Parents can take a while for the news to sink in, as I mentioned I came out a year ago my parents didn't know what to say, but they just said they love me. Its only really in the past couple of months that they have started to come around to the fact they have a gay son. Just remember your Mum loves you she just has to come around. She will one day I am sure, its just hard for them sometimes, although its not your problem its hers. I don't know if it will help in your situation but I told my parents exactly how I felt, how I hid it from them etc. it helped them come around.


They were more concerned about my well being, I know it shouldn't be this way but being LGBT makes life a little harder, until recently we had next to no rights, and even now people still persecute us look at Northern Ireland where religion still prevents same sex marriage or adoption to take place. Plus having a nurse for a Mum made her give me the "talk" when she realised that I am sexually active which was awkward.

I am glad they support you now. :-) I think parents are not exposed to gay culture so that can be part of it too.

georgesstreet

Lou.m wrote: »

I am glad they support you now. :-) I think parents are not exposed to gay culture so that can be part of it too.

I am never entirely sure what "gay culture" is.

A previous speaker talks about labels, and I don't know why we want to place labels on ourselves. We are what we are and we like what we like, so why complicate that by agonising over "am I this label" or "am I that label".

We are as we are. We do as we do and maybe we might be happier if we spent less time comtemplating our navels and more time doing and enjoying.

Unless of course contemplating our navels is something we also enjoy.