Socially bad with women

LegacyUser

So few lads and ladies were at mine earlier pre drinking. Only moved into a new house so don't know them that well, 3 or 4 weeks here.

I was sitting in a chair in a corner while 3 on the couch were talking about work (work in the same company) so I was blocked off really, one of the girls is selfish and only cares about herself anyways so no surprise she didn't try and talk to me. (this girl lives in the same house).

So I was stuck in the corner laughing at a conversation that was happening at the other end of the room (approx 5-7m away). I don't know how to get involved, they seemed to be talking about things that I knew nothing about (they know each other mostly) I was the odd one out not having anything in common with any of them really.

So I left and went to my room.

I think years of using online methods to talk to women has caused me to not able talk to women socially. I am a quiet person in general. I don't really say much unless I'm with friends.

I'm not confident, working out at the minute to work on it.

What do you talk about to others? Or any time I went to make a joke I don't think they knew it was a joke so it made me look stupid. I am funny enough aswell once people get to know me but doesn't help when making first impressions.

Fedal

userisra wrote: »

So few lads and ladies were at mine earlier pre drinking. Only moved into a new house so don't know them that well, 3 or 4 weeks here.

I was sitting in a chair in a corner while 3 on the couch were talking about work (work in the same company) so I was blocked off really, one of the girls is selfish and only cares about herself anyways so no surprise she didn't try and talk to me. (this girl lives in the same house).

So I was stuck in the corner laughing at a conversation that was happening at the other end of the room (approx 5-7m away). I don't know how to get involved, they seemed to be talking about things that I knew nothing about (they know each other mostly) I was the odd one out not having anything in common with any of them really.

So I left and went to my room.

I think years of using online methods to talk to women has caused me to not able talk to women socially. I am a quiet person in general. I don't really say much unless I'm with friends.

I'm not confident, working out at the minute to work on it.

What do you talk about to others? Or any time I went to make a joke I don't think they knew it was a joke so it made me look stupid. I am funny enough aswell once people get to know me but doesn't help when making first impressions.

Your primary issue is your mindset imo. You are seeking approval from other people. You are good enough because you say you are good enough. Everything you think, feel and say is good enough. You are essentially imprisoned in your mind and not able to be yourself. Its very common, dont think you are the only one.

when you say a joke say it to amuse yourself, never do anything just to make others laugh, do it to amuse yourself. Also talk to women despite feeling fearful. The more you do this the mire your brain realises thay talking to women isn't a serious threat, your brain then gives you access to thay effortless, smooth and convivial personality already inside you. This personality is attractive to women. You'll make more friends and have a much better time with this personality.

Try saying things thay you are actuall6 thinking much more rather than say things that you think will get you approval.

YumCha

userisra wrote: »

Only moved into a new house so don't know them that well, 3 or 4 weeks here.

userisra wrote: »

one of the girls is selfish and only cares about herself anyways so no surprise she didn't try and talk to me. (this girl lives in the same house).

So even though you've admitted not knowing them that well, you've already written off one of your housemates as selfish?

You're giving out to her for not trying to talk to you - but it doesn't sound like you made any effort to talk to her either - what if she made the same judgment about you? Would you feel hard done by?

You said it yourself - you're not confident - and it looks like you're projecting this onto other people... by telling yourself that you can't get involved in their conversations, that you have nothing in common, that someone is too selfish to talk to you - you're just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're putting all the onus on them to include you, but you've already mentally put yourself on the outs.

For the confidence - please consider talking to a counsellor. For getting to know your housemates a bit more - ask lots of questions! Not sure what convo is about? Just ask! If they're talking about work - ask about that - people who don't work together still talk about work stuff, it's not a reason you shouldn't be a part of the convo. People love talking about themselves (generally speaking) so show a genuine interest in them and you'll eventually build up a rapport.

ivytwine

Ah now, OP, I'm going to rephrase your post slightly as "I may or may not be bad with women, but I don't know because I went to my room instead of talking to some".

You have to make more of an effort in social situations. I know it's hard, but despite your housemate being 'selfish' she still included you, didn't she? There was drink taken I presume? Well, then, no wonder she got a bit loud and selfish. Also, much as we try and avoid it, if you're out with colleagues the talk will inevitably become about the office, shop floor, whatever.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

You need to work on your confidence. There are very few people that this stuff comes naturally to, trust me....

Dunno if the mods will allow this cartoon, but it sums it all up perfectly:

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a9/b5/38/a9b538aa1f8bdf4eec0cef1a966889a0.jpg

CaraMay

Stop thinking of them as women and just talk to them as you would any men

boomkatalog

While the posters above have a point, I always find it rude when I'm with a group of people who all have either work in common or friends in common with each other but not me, and talk about them all night.

If you find yourself in this situation again, I'd recommend either asking questions about what theyre talking about, or veering the subject a little in your own favour e.g 'I used to work with someone just like that', 'I know how annoying that can be'.

stop animal cruelty

Fedal wrote: »

Your primary issue is your mindset imo. You are seeking approval from other people. You are good enough because you say you are good enough. Everything you think, feel and say is good enough. You are essentially imprisoned in your mind and not able to be yourself. Its very common, dont think you are the only one.

when you say a joke say it to amuse yourself, never do anything just to make others laugh, do it to amuse yourself. Also talk to women despite feeling fearful. The more you do this the mire your brain realises thay talking to women isn't a serious threat, your brain then gives you access to thay effortless, smooth and convivial personality already inside you. This personality is attractive to women. You'll make more friends and have a much better time with this personality.

Try saying things thay you are actuall6 thinking much more rather than say things that you think will get you approval.

great advice!