Having an affair...

LegacyUser

Right guys, I've fallen for someone who has been married for several years. We got talking the other night in the bar, and I brought him back to mine where we had an amazing time. I really do have feelings for him, but I know it will never lead to anything because he has someone in his life already.

I feel like a homewrecker, as if it's my fault that he's cheating. But I really do have feelings for him. Help please! Should we continue seeing each other?

Merkin

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Should we continue seeing each other?

No

CaraMay

No one can tell you that. If you want to keep seeing him then do but I would not be anyone's bit on the side.

lmos

You worth more...he's married, it will be a drawn out messy time, with an unlikely outcome that he'll leave his wife. Even if he does, he's likely to repeat this behaviour. Think seriously about this!

RoscommonTom

You only live once, whose to say what's right or wrong, if it makes you feel good than go for it. Obviouskg other people might think different but that's my opinion,

Sleepless and Manic

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Should we continue seeing each other?

Well thats your decision. One thing I can say it probably wont end happily and there are few feelings worse than being the "other" women or man.

When his wife finds out and they have a tearful make up you will be cast out like rubbish. He will feel he owes you nothing and they'll probably both blame you too.

Nasty, and you'll get hurt bad.

Possibly not though... consider it though.

Toast4532

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Should we continue seeing each other?

If you have an ounce of common sense, cop on and decency you will stop this now before it goes any further.

He is married for goodness sake, so no you should not continue seeing each other. I don't know if you are married or in a relationship but if you are you quite obviously think nothing of your partner if you could even contemplate seeing someone, who is also married/in a relationship.

If you are/were in a relationship, and you found out your partner was cheating, how would you feel? Would you like it? What would you think of the person he was cheating with? You wouldn't like it for one second, so think about this man's wife (kids?), think about how she will feel when she finds out what went on with the pair of you.

Are you happy to be his bit on the side? Are you happy for him to use you and drop you when he wants his wife? Is that what you really want? Do you not think you are worth more than some piece he can fling to one side whenever it suits him? Because that is what you will be if you continue seeing him. YOU will be that piece he flings to one side when he wants someone who isn't you.

Do you want to be known as the woman who tore his marriage up and broke his wife's heart?

The pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves, and you more-so for even asking if you should continue seeing him. It is a ridiculous question and frankly you already know the answer.

username123

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Should we continue seeing each other?

Why would you want to consider continuing someone got whom you would always be playing second fiddle? Your self esteem must be in the toilet. Do some work on yourself, learn to love yourself, get some self respect. If you don't respect yourself, why would others respect you?

DjangoMc

To put it another way, if you where married, how would you feel if your husband had an affair?

I think you should just walk away from this man. Other poster's have said it, you deserve better.

Hope you figure out what's best for you.

Stavro Mueller

Not unless you want to line yourself up for more of what you're feeling now. The elation when you're with him plus all the bad stuff. The skulking around, the guilt, the jealousy, the loneliness, the cancelled dates, the anger... From this man's point of view it's a win win situation. He's got his married life and all that that brings and then he's got you for the extra fun. As you are more than aware yourself, these sorts of affairs rarely end well. You're the one who's almost certainly going to lose out here. Why waste your time on someone who's never going to be yours?

Oh, and wait for the excuses to come in thick and fast. "My wife doesn't understand me", "The marriage is over but we're staying together for the kids", "I'd leave only my wife has (insert medical condition here)...

You'd also want to reflect on how easily he fell into bed with you. He may have done this before.

Honestly OP, are you really so desperate that you're prepared to shag a married man?

im confused again

Toast4532 wrote: »

If you have an ounce of common sense, cop on and decency you will stop this now before it goes any further.

He is married for goodness sake, so no you should not continue seeing each other. I don't know if you are married or in a relationship but if you are you quite obviously think nothing of your partner if you could even contemplate seeing someone, who is also married/in a relationship.

If you are/were in a relationship, and you found out your partner was cheating, how would you feel? Would you like it? What would you think of the person he was cheating with? You wouldn't like it for one second, so think about this man's wife (kids?), think about how she will feel when she finds out what went on with the pair of you.

Are you happy to be his bit on the side? Are you happy for him to use you and drop you when he wants his wife? Is that what you really want? Do you not think you are worth more than some piece he can fling to one side whenever it suits him? Because that is what you will be if you continue seeing him. YOU will be that piece he flings to one side when he wants someone who isn't you.

Do you want to be known as the woman who tore his marriage up and broke his wife's heart?

The pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves, and you more-so for even asking if you should continue seeing him. It is a ridiculous question and frankly you already know the answer.

I second all that is said here. Why can't people be faithful. If its not working out for somebody in a marriage then either work on it or split up. Then move on.

Affairs wreck every bodies lives.

For you, move on and find yourself somebody single that commit themselves 100% to you.

heretochat

I would have to say no as there is too much collateral damage here - the damage to his wife, kids (?) when he is found out (as there is every chance he will be).

Also consider the damage to yourself. You are likely a bit on the side to him and he is not likely to leave his wife for you. He is certainly unlikely to reciprocate any feelings you have for him.

Also this man is a cheat... You may think it is great being with him.. Say he does leave his wife for you (unlikely as that is).. would you trust him not to cheat on you?

My advise is to nip this at the bud before too many people get hurt.

wallycharlo

I would think that there are two way of looking at this, which depend on when it was you came to know that he was married.

If you only came to know about this after the nigth out, the fair enough, I would say nip it in the bud and move on, nothing good can come of this most likely.

If on the other hand you knew this guy was married before you even entered the bar then it puts a failrly different complexion on things.

Aseth

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Should we continue seeing each other?

I'm surprised you feel the need to ask. Cheating is wrong and I'm sure you know it.
Additionally - think about it: there will be no merry Christmas for you cause he will be with his family. No Easter. As someone mentioned - he will cancel on you anytime if his wife will have different plans.
Do you really want to spend your life waiting for him to call and say he has five minutes free? Have some self-respect and find yourself a nice guy who will want to be with you and noone else.

Unlucky_slevin

I had an affair with a married man for 6 months. I felt like a used whore. That's all I was. He's just using you. He'll tell you everything you want to hear to get into your knickers and then go home to his wife and forget about you.

You're too good for him. Find someone who will love you and only you. Don't settle for second best

Meauldsegosha

Aseth wrote: »

I'm surprised you feel the need to ask. Cheating is wrong and I'm sure you know it.

As far as we know the OP is single and therefore not cheating.

However I would never want to be someone's second choice. I would want someone to be with me because I'm me and not because I give them something they think is missing from their relationship. When it comes to a relationship I would not want to be second best to anyone.

OP would you really be happy being second best in this persons life??

Matteroffact

I think it us unfair to date this man behind his wife's back. He is not free to date you or promise you anything. You are starting off at a disadvantage in this relationship. I don't think it is a good idea at all. It is actually a very mean thing to do to his wife and if you have any scruples at all you will send him packing. He is enjoying the fling, and that's all you are to him........a bit on the side !!! How does that sit with you?

Neyite

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Right guys, I've fallen for someone who has been married for several years. We got talking the other night in the bar, and I brought him back to mine where we had an amazing time. I really do have feelings for him, but I know it will never lead to anything because he has someone in his life already.

I feel like a homewrecker, as if it's my fault that he's cheating. But I really do have feelings for him. Help please! Should we continue seeing each other?

Unfortunately, people in general tend tend to blame the mistress for wrecking the marriage instead of the man who stood up in front of all his family and friends and future in-laws and recited vows of faithfulness to the woman standing beside him.

Ireland is far too small to not get found out eventually, OP. And even if you never left your house, someone would still spot his car outside, or your neighbours cousin used to work with his wife ten years ago or something. So take that as a given.

You will get found out. And all hell will break loose. His wife will blame you, he will happily blame you, their friends and family will blame you and despite the age of equality we supposedly live in, your name will be mud.

Take it further down the line then after this fling ends. You meet someone who you are falling in love with. He thinks you are great and vice versa. Until he hears you were someone's mistress, and dumps you. Or, imagine going home to meet his parents for the first time and realising to your horror his mother knows the wife's mother and therefore knows you.

But, lets leave all that to one side for the moment. You say you have feelings for him. That is bad. Really bad for you. While an affair might be do-able if you keep it to strictly sex with no strings, when you have feelings for him it changes the game. There is no way that you wont get hurt here then if you have feelings for him, when he can never give you more than hurried half hours here and there where you are his lowest priority, trailing behind his wife, his kids, his mates, his job. Before long, you will feel used, and thats a horrible thing to feel. So cut your losses , and have those lovely feelings for someone who can fully reciprocate them.

ABajaninCork

If he can do that FOR you, then imagine what he'll do TO you.

Idle Passerby

Neyite wrote: »

But, lets leave all that to one side for the moment. You say you have feelings for him. That is bad. Really bad for you. While an affair might be do-able if you keep it to strictly sex with no strings, when you have feelings for him it changes the game. There is no way that you wont get hurt here then if you have feelings for him, when he can never give you more than hurried half hours here and there where you are his lowest priority, trailing behind his wife, his kids, his mates, his job. Before long, you will feel used, and thats a horrible thing to feel. So cut your losses , and have those lovely feelings for someone who can fully reciprocate them.

Exactly.

If you have feelings for this man it is delusional to expect to ever be happy being his bit on the side. How would you feel about him jumping out of your bed to go home and spend the evening with his wife?

He already knows he doesn't have to leave his existing relationship to be with you, so you cant expect that to change.

Dont follow your feelings into such a destructive situation. When it blows up it will be you who will bear the brunt of all the blame and anger.

Charlene_92

Not too long ago, I found out my "boyfriend" was weeks away from getting married... finding that out made me sick to the stomach so I don't know how you could even consider being with him when he is married. Even if he said he was going to leave her, I'll bet my life he will not because people like him know what side their bread is buttered. He has an unknowing wife and secure life at home, while he still gets to play away. He is having his cake and eating it so the only person that will get hurt here is you and trust me, that's what will happen. Sure, you can think of "what if this is real love and he actually will leave her for me" but lets be real here, that never happens and even if it did, that's too much of a chance to take! It's not worth it and I would strongly advise you, as someone who's been in that sort of situation, to PLEASE end it there for your own sake!

loubeelou

So you want to embark on a relationship with a man who will be lying to his wife about you're existance.
What makes you think he won't be lying to you as well??
Surely you think better of yourself than to enter a relationship that is based on dishonesty.
You deserve better than that.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I have been in your situation.

I was having an affair with a married man for a while. It was no strings attached at the start, it was perfect. Then we got to know each other and i really started to fall for him. I left, because i knew at the end of the day, as much as i wanted him to, he would never leave his wife for me. It really hurt me because we ended up being really close to each other.

My advice is leave him right now. Please do not continue you will get hurt.

LegacyUser

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Right guys, I've fallen for someone who has been married for several years. We got talking the other night in the bar, and I brought him back to mine where we had an amazing time. I really do have feelings for him,

You've met him once? You spent an evening with him and you have feelings for him? How can you develop feelings for someone so quickly who you don't even know? You sound like a 16 year old.

ivytwine

Hey OP

Gonna go from a different perspective here. Thought about going unregged but **** it, it's common knowledge where I'm from and this name doesn't match any of my other internet aliases so who cares.

My mother had an affair with a much older married man from when I was about 2 until he passed away last year. The last few years it was more companionship than anything else, but there was a lot of sneaking around in the early years.

Don't want to go into details but EVERYONE in my town knew, they were not exactly discreet. I liked this man alot, he was a father figure, I love my own dad of course, but he is a little unreliable.

I got teased in school over it. Everyone's parents embarrass them but mine did more than most

Anyway the legacy of this is. My mother is alone. She has a good enough reputation in the town because she pulled herself up and got a job where she deals with the public and demonstrated what a good person she is, just foolish in some ways. I do disagree with what Neyite says, it's possible to come back from it. However, I don't know if my mother will, because her confidence is terrible and I can't see her having another relationship.

For me, I suppose it was another facet to a quite unusual childhood. I would NEVER ever go near a married man, because all the sneaking around, the clandestine meetings, all the stuff that makes it supposedly exciting, it's all just tedious and pointless drama to me.

I also would never ever date a man from my hometown because of (whether real or imagined) I'd feel I'd be judged by him and his family. I think most people at home think I'm a virgin! :P Even one of my college friends came down for a night out and he commented on how subdued I was compared to normal, I don't really let my hair down at home!

I have nudged my mother in the direction of counselling because I am afraid to say it straight out to her; why did you think so little of yourself and (by extension) me to go for second best? Why would you not try and find an available man to be a partner to you and a stepfather to me?

I know lots of this is irrelevant to you because you don't have kids, but I would like you to have a think about how this affects more than you and him. Both my mother and this guy are/were not bad people, and I'm sure neither you or him are (because, hey, **** happens).

I'd like to ask you the same question I am not brave enough yet to ask my mother.

Do you think so little of yourself that you want to be a bit part player, an extra waiting on the wings, in someone else's life? Do you not feel you deserve a man who wants you and can have you, and can bring you out in public?

Walk away now before it goes too far.

Shivers26

Just do yourself a favour and walk away.

You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering this and this man should be ashamed of himself for allowing this to happen.

He is not free to pursue a relationship with you. You surely don't want to be a bit on the side or a dirty little secret.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Speaking as someone who is / was the wife in one of these situations, it's not nice. You wouldn't believe some of the stories he has been telling me. He has been a very foolish man and I don't know will we ever work things out. He has devastated our marriage and our child and all for a bit of fun.

LegacyUser

As long as you don't develop feelings for him and have no expectations of a future together, and you enjoy spending time with him for what it is - a good time - I don't see a problem with it.

He is the one cheating. You are not. But you need to treat it exactly as you would treat a ****-buddy - you are doing it for the fun of being together for a few hours - ie you are not expecting him to call you/ text you/ say nice things and - god forbid - leave his wife to be with you.

If he is fun enough and you guys have a good time together, go for it. It makes no sense "feeling used". You are not being used if you are both enjoying it and having a good time.

Make sure to be absolutely discreet about it - as other mentioned, it would be a bit of disaster for you if you got caught, and it would be very unfair on his wife/family to find out. But if you can be sure chances of anyone finding out are very slim, I don't see this as a problem.

Also, it's perfectly possible and reasonable that he loves his wife just the same, but he sees his wife more as his friend, and want something exciting on the side. I actually read an article that said that people who cheat have better sex with their spouses, cos it would break the monotony and they would bring new things to their relationship/sex. So go figure, you might actually be good for them.

Ah - and don't let that stop you from finding a real relationship. Again - this man is only some fun on the side, do not have your feelings and expectations linked to him.

im confused again

Shivers26 wrote: »

Just do yourself a favour and walk away.

You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering this and this man should be ashamed of himself for allowing this to happen.

He is not free to pursue a relationship with you. You surely don't want to be a bit on the side or a dirty little secret.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Speaking as someone who is / was the wife in one of these situations, it's not nice. You wouldn't believe some of the stories he has been telling me. He has been a very foolish man and I don't know will we ever work things out. He has devastated our marriage and our child and all for a bit of fun.

Totally agree. I was the husband of a wife that cheated. It ruined everybody's life. I have moved on and am very happy now but the kids are still affected by everything that happened at the time.

Walk away and find somebody that can commit 100% to you.

Czarcasm

ppooiiuu wrote: »

As long as you don't develop feelings for him and have no expectations of a future together, and you enjoy spending time with him for what it is - a good time - I don't see a problem with it.

You missed this in the OP pp -

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

I feel like a homewrecker, as if it's my fault that he's cheating. But I really do have feelings for him. Help please! Should we continue seeing each other?

After that, I could only concur with Merkin's answer on this one. Clearly it's not a good idea for the OP to continue seeing this man.

Zen65

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

I feel like a homewrecker, as if it's my fault that he's cheating.

It seems to me that this is probably how you will always feel about it. Many other people who know you will feel the same way about you if you let this continue. Is that what you want?

You have not clarified whether he wants it to continue or not? There is a chance he will want to continue until the reality of what he's doing dawns on him and then he'll abandon you quickly to protect his family. Is that going to make you feel better?

If you really want to learn from this and come out of it with a clear conscience, then you should be the one who ends it, and quickly. Then move on with your life and you may find somebody who has more to offer you than this cheating man does.

Z

emmabrighton

Hi ya ConfusedAndAlone,

I am going to throw in my 2 cents, it flys in the face of all the opinions - well sort of.

My sisters husband had an affair with a married woman for God knows how long. She found evidence of the affair a couple of months ago and confronted him. He didn't deny anything, he just said he didn't love her any more. My sister was devastated and attempted suicide. She had to go into residential care and she was considered a suicide risk.

Her son was left to pick up the pieces caused by his father leaving and his mother attempting suicide. Her daughter will not speak to her any more and has moved in with her paternal grandmother as she is so hurt by my sisters suicide attempt. So my sister has lost her husband and her daughter in one fell swoop.

My sister and her ex are now separated legally, they have sold their home and have agreed on an equitable financial arrangement. My sister is devastated. We are worried she will attempt suicide again.

The other woman has left her husband and her two sons. She is independently wealthy and her husband would be a leading financier but he is distraught also. The children - from what I hear - are not surprised and were stoic if anything.

My sisters ex husband is now living with the woman with which he had an ongoing affair. They have both wrecked families - in fairness, my sister too was at fault and has helped with the demise of her relationship with her daughter but she did not do that deliberately. They are both financially less well off but I think will bounce back. I do worry for my sister. I can't help disliking her ex and am glad I will never have to speak with him again.

But to sugar coat a bad experience, they did end up together. They both lost a lot in order to do so. I hope for their sakes that is worth it. My sisters life has been changed forever. I feel sorry for her. But she is just one of the casualties.

If you could live with that, then there is a chance for you too. If you would rather not ruin other peoples lives delete his number from his phone book and get yourself a real man.

IHeartShoes

Hi there,

I find some of the comments and judgements on this thread very harsh toward to the OP. Telling her she should be ashamed etc. OP you know you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness, only your own.

I discovered my ex husband was having an affair for a year and a half, give or take. He informed me when I confronted him, that in his head, his (12 year) marriage was over and he felt free to carry on with this other person. He just neglected to tell me. The fact is, he didn't have the courage to deal with it, so I did it for him. They are married now and am sure they will be very happy as long as fidelity is not important to her. I didn't blame her. She had no responsibility or loyalty to me or my daugther. Its not really about apportioning blame, I think. Sh1t happens, we are all adults.

Do whatever makes you happy. I think you are better off without this chap. If you can get your head around that and accept that, then you will be able to finish with him and be happy, by yourself if necessary. Understanding that is what got me over the loss of that relationship. I was better off with him.

The very best of luck to you:)

BnB

IHeartShoes wrote: »

...OP you know you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness, only your own...

I have to disagree strongly with that statement.

We all have to take responsibility for our actions. Yes - The husband has a lot more to answer for - But the OP is not blameless. She is knowingly having an affair with a married man. If his marriage breaks up over it she is partly responsible.

However, regardless of her responsibility towards the marriage, for her own sake she should get out now - fast. The chances of this situation ending in anything but a lot of tears and heartbreak for a few people (including the OP) are very very slim.

Abigayle

ConfusedAndAlone wrote: »

Right guys, I've fallen for someone who has been married for several years. We got talking the other night in the bar, and I brought him back to mine where we had an amazing time. I really do have feelings for him, but I know it will never lead to anything because he has someone in his life already.

I feel like a homewrecker, as if it's my fault that he's cheating. But I really do have feelings for him. Help please! Should we continue seeing each other?

A cheater cheats. It would be naive of you to think you're the only one he cheats on his wife for. He gave you a few lines that made you feel good about yourself, but his main goal was to get into your knickers.

Not that he would leave his wife for you, but even if he miraculously did- could you trust him? Not a chance would I.

Set yourself up for pain and heartache if it pleases you.

LegacyUser

Simple answer is you will set yourself up for a lot of heart break in the long run, you slept with a married man, and yes you probably feel terrible….. but to pursue it? are you willing to become the other woman, snatching stolen moments, waiting around for snatched phone conversations, lying to friends and family about your new guy? constantly having to hide what you're doing?

The are other factors you need to consider….
You probably are only seeing/hearing his side of the marriage not his wifes… he probably has regaled you with tales that things aren't working, he doesn't love her any more blah blah… the reality may be vastly different. His wife may be clueless, not sure why her husband seems so distant, perhaps worrying and trying desperately to work things out… he also cheated on his wife with you, what happens if he splits up with his wife, can you ever truly trust him? How do you know he's not cheating with any one else? How do you know this happened in the past?

What if the wife finds out, are you willing to become the hated figure (although i never really understood the vitriol people encounter being the other person as surely any anger should be directed to the married person who has cheated).

This is not the type of man who you want to be with. He can not give you a functioning relationship, he cannot give you love…. its just a passionate tryst before he returns to his wife at the end of the night. despite his proclamations that he might leave his wife… the reality is he never will and even if he does, imagine the heartbreak, the hurt, the pain of a marriage breaking down, there is no happy outcome for any party involved.

My advice, walk away, actually no…. run…

AlabamaWorley

Finish it before it escalates.

I spent 2 years of my life seeing a taken man. Such a high when we're together, and very low when not.

My happiness was surrounded by when I would see him next. I felt so much confusion. I "loved" him but I knew it was wrong. Never knew when he told the truth, never knew what would happen next (even though it was always the same -disappointed)

Our friend group knows, I'm not trusted one day, I'm seen as a naive sad case the next. Respect has been lost and not sure it'll ever been gained back

Your confidence will plummet, I ask myself the question 'why am i good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with?' The jealousy that follows all of these feelings knowing he is with her. I'll admit it was fun, but it's not worth it.

Not to mention, you're sleeping with someone else's man.