taking my depression out on those closest to me

LegacyUser

The last few months I've found it really hard to cope with everything: long term unemployment, money worries and stress, worry about the future and family issues. I've done everything to pull myself out of it: exercise, healthy eating, trying to get out and about, doing a course. However with not a penny to spare it's difficult to do anything. Anyway, so my partner has problems too: he works long hours for very little money, he is in debt, he has family responsibilities of his own. Yet he seems much better able to cope. I try to be positive, I really do, but I often wake up and go to bed feeling low and hopeless. Problem is, despite all my efforts I find myself taking my moods out on him. I cry a lot and get snappy, I have low self confidence and feel miserable. He's very supportive, and tries to be there for me, but I'm impossible to be around sometimes, I know that, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I'm a bad girlfriend on top of everything else, and I'll drive him away if I'm not careful. I've been to the GP but he suggested xanax which I don't want to take: I feel like that's covering up the problem, which is my money worries and frustration at lack of work. I really need counselling but I can't afford even the cheapest one. So what I need to know is: how can I stop taking it out on my partner? I live away from my home town where my friends are, and haven't made good friends here where I live now, so I have nobody to talk to except for him. I used to talk to my old friends on Skype but everyone's moved on and are busy with work, kids etc. I used to be a bubbly, outgoing person with a good job and money in the bank...now look at me!!

meoklmrk91

Depression is truly one of the cruellest illnesses that there is, when you are at your lowest, when you really need the people in your life, because of its nature it makes you push them away. I think of depression like an abusive partner in many ways.

You are doing all the right things, trying to keep yourself busy, doing your course. But you are suffering from an illness and you need treatment. I know you don't want to take pills but they can be very helpful so don't just dismiss them, you could look at it like covering up the problem, and yes that is true, but you could also look at it like a helping hand to get you through what you are going through. Did you tell your GP that you wanted counselling, go back and ask them to refer you for it, they can do that, if you have a medical card it will be free but like everything else in the health service you will be put on a waiting list, the pills could be helpful in the meantime but that is a decision for you and your GP to make.

As for trying not to snap, it's difficult, the best advice I can give you is when you feel like you are going to snap is to walk away, go to another room, calm yourself down, even if that means sitting there for an hour doing nothing, reading a book, watching the soaps, go for a walk, whatever. Everyone in my life knows that I have my unsociable days, on those days it is better for everyone involved for everyone to just leave me alone, it saves people getting hurt or angry and me having to apologise when I am back to normal.

This isn't something that is going to go away on its own, it's what I like to call situational depression, you are depressed because you feel stuck in a situation. You really don't want to be in. You are doing a course so that's going to be helpful in hopefully getting you back where you want to be, counselling and medication can help with this also.

Since you are felling a bit socially isolated maybe it might be a good time to think about joining a group, there are boards meet ups and meet up on meet up.com, you could do a cookery class, or painting class or whatever takes your fancy really, this is a good way to meet new people. Maybe get back in contact with an old friend, even if its just chatting through Facebook.

tercesmol

Your entire post could be describing my life at the moment. I can't give you any answers as I am working through it all myself and struggling daily with it all. I can sympathise with everything you have described, so know that you are not alone.

Like you I have not opted for medication but I have gone to counselling - there are a lot of low cost/free counselling services springing up and I went to one of them, at my wits end. I am trying to come to terms with my life as it is now, but the benefit is that I know that I have someone to talk to once a week who can just listen and comfort me and it has really taken the pressure off.

It doesn't change the fact that you are in a terrible place, but it might make you feel better.

Take care, I know how hard it is for you...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, it sounds like you've got yourself a one in a million guy there. Sounds like he would do anything for you. I think you need to find another way of dealing with things rather than take it out on him, find a way of de-stressing yourself, something that doesn't hurt him and especially something that doesn't hurt you, because that can be just as painful for a loved one. I can't say what that is, it depends on what works for you. To be honest he is probably not coping as well as you think, he may be just doing a good job of hiding the stress he is under. When you snap at him does it spark an argument or does he just absorb it?

I understand that in your current state of mind, you probably know exactly what you need to do to lift yourself out of the depression but it can seem impossible to achieve anything. You need to try anyway, but you don't need to do it alone. I'm sure if you tell your partner what you need to do he will support and help you on the way. There is always a chance that you wont achieve what you set out to, but the act of trying will go a long way to restoring your positivity. Good luck!

Call Me Jimmy

Depression is unfortunately not an excuse for mistreating anyone. Just because of an illness (I suffer too) you can't say you are not responsible for how you deal with situations, especially with a partner who, while not ill is under severe pressure as well and seems to show you his best more often than not.

I don't mean to be harsh, I do have empathy for you but you must have empathy for your partner if not for yourself.

I think you should seriously consider looking inward and being more conscious of how you interact with him and think of how only a small amount of effort on your part could improve things for him. I would recommend meditation and or yoga for you because you need to find some comfort and peace. It will also bring clarity and is not as hard to do as you might imagine.

I am sorry that you suffer but especially in a relationship you do need to be more conscious of how you effect people. You have already acknowledged as much in your post now try and find a quotient of peace and comfort; foster and nurture it. It will feel good to think of your partner instead of yourself.

Best of luck to you. If you want any advice or info on yoga and meditation let me know, I'm no expert but the best way to describe it is that it gives me more space to be. Before it felt like I experienced only a single strand of intense pain in my brain, now I feel like there is more space in me and and around me. I still suffer but I do it in the maximum comfort I can.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies, it helps a lot to know people out there understand. Call Me Jimmy - I actually started to do some yoga recently, although I've only been able to afford a couple of classes. It really helped a lot, at least for the time I'm there and for a while afterwards. After yoga I feel a lot more calmness, empathy and kindness for people in general, and for myself. The problem is that life sort of catches up with me, every time I get a new bill or job rejection. I think unemployment is really such a terrible drain, and despite what the misconceptions are there's very little you can do about it. I'm hoping to learn to stop beating myself up (and those around me - not literally, of course!) and appreciating day-to-day life. I harbour resentment because I live here instead of my home town because I moved here to be with my partner, meaning I'm not around my family and friends and inevitably find it more difficult to get work. I need to let go of that resentment and be happy with my decision.

Call Me Jimmy

That's good to hear that you are working on yourself. Btw I haven't been to a yoga class, I do it all on youtube. Meditation is something you might be receptive to as sometimes with the physical asanas in yoga the concentration is on the 'right posture' and even though we may feel physically and mentally better it can be taken higher with meditation.

If there is resentment there re: the decision it sounds like quite a big deal. Loneliness can cause problems as can unemployment. May I just say for some perspective, I am almost housebound, do not have any prospects of a relationship and rarely see friends... and I'm unemployed.

But I look at it as it is as it is (there's a sentence). So it almost forces me to spend time really getting deeper into myself and becoming more calm. If I had a hectic life I doubt I ever would have discovered the benefits of meditation/yoga and inner insight. If I do get back out in the world it will be very much a stronger me.

What I would say to you is, even though you are unemployed you could spend time NOT being distracted by internet/tv/whatever and ramp up at-home yoga and possibly meditation. The only reason I'm going on about it is as you know from experience it will give perspective and clarity, two often missing ingredients in the life of a depressive.

I won't offer any advice on the relationship because I was terrible in any relationship I've been in, but maybe the answers and insights will come if you go to the core of yourself. All very fluffy but I really wish you the best of luck!