How much support/advice is right amount?

LegacyUser

Hi there

I will keep this short.

I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship. I left before it turned physical. JUST before it turned physical.

A friend then finds herself in a relationship a while later. 6 months in she mentions in a chat the details of a row they had, which stemmed from her partner's jealousy.

Right there I told her about my own 4 year ordeal and how it had started off with a bit of insignificant jealousy but quickly took on a momentum of its own.

I stressed to her how important it was to lay down the fact that this level of insecurity would not be tolerated and I stressed how important it was not to pander to it. I also told her that if the situation didn't sort itself out that I could pretty much predict how the next 4 yrs of her life would go.

The bottom line is that we are now 2.5 years in and everything is as I had predicted and its pretty clear that its about to get worse.

She keeps coming to me, not looking for advice, but just looking to tell me what has happened.

Do I just listen or do I try and force her to leave him?

Thanks

eviltwin

You can't force her to leave, she has to make that choice herself. She needs support but it might be more than you can give her at this time. I would be honest with her that you are not leaving her high and dry but that you can't be her main support anymore, encourage her to contact a service like Women's Aid and tell family. Continue to be there for her as best you can but think of your own wellbeing as well.

Raminahobbin

You seem very certain that her relationship is going the exact same way yours did- which may not be true. I suspect you are looking at things based heavily on your own experiences, and it might be blinding you to the fact that her relationship has nothing to do with you, and just because yours almost turned physically violent doesn't mean hers will too.

Obviously you have wisdom to impart to her courtesy of the lessons you have learned, but please don't let this blind you to the fact that she is not you, and he is not your ex.

If it is how you say, and her relationship is turning violent, you can't force her to leave him- she needs to do things in her own time. She will leave when SHE is good and ready, and not a moment before. If you apply pressure to her and come across as implying an 'I told you so' attitude, she will stop talking to you and cut you out of her life.

I have been in a similar relationship, where all of my friends could see that it was a deeply unhealthy one. The friends who I felt were 'judging' me, or him, or who were vocal in their dislike of him, or constantly expressed their concern for me, I stopped talking to. It became a me and him against the world scenario. I had ONE friend in the bunch who just listened- she was there for me, in a non-judgmental way. If he was a dick to me, and I went back anyway, she never appeared exasperated or gave me ultimatums. Now that I'm out the other side and I can see the wood from the trees, my gratitude to her is immeasurable. She gave me somewhere to turn to and a shoulder to cry on when I most needed it, and allowed me to come to my own conclusions without hurrying me (because that would have just backfired and I would have cut her out like everyone else).

You need to calm down, take a breath, and distance your own issues from your friends. Be a friend to her. Be there if it falls apart, and DO NOT force her to do anything.

freshpopcorn

I think you want to do your best for your friend, but at the end of the day she has to make her own decision about her relationship.
I know you have your past experiences but your not her/ye're different. So, things might work out differently. Maybe suggest marriage counseling to her.
One last thing nobody likes the person that says 'I told you so'

Paulie Gualtieri

There are a lot of counseling services country wide , I would not steer your friend in either direction , just be there for her but at the same time don't let her put all her problems on your shoulders , just listen and if she ask for advice , give it . otherwise you could get the blame for them breaking up and end up losing a friend in the process , have you ever seen this couple happy? are there drink/drug problems?

LegacyUser

Raminahobbin wrote: »

You seem very certain that her relationship is going the exact same way yours did- which may not be true. I suspect you are looking at things based heavily on your own experiences, and it might be blinding you to the fact that her relationship has nothing to do with you, and just because yours almost turned physically violent doesn't mean hers will too.

Obviously you have wisdom to impart to her courtesy of the lessons you have learned, but please don't let this blind you to the fact that she is not you, and he is not your ex.

If it is how you say, and her relationship is turning violent, you can't force her to leave him- she needs to do things in her own time. She will leave when SHE is good and ready, and not a moment before. If you apply pressure to her and come across as implying an 'I told you so' attitude, she will stop talking to you and cut you out of her life.

I have been in a similar relationship, where all of my friends could see that it was a deeply unhealthy one. The friends who I felt were 'judging' me, or him, or who were vocal in their dislike of him, or constantly expressed their concern for me, I stopped talking to. It became a me and him against the world scenario. I had ONE friend in the bunch who just listened- she was there for me, in a non-judgmental way. If he was a dick to me, and I went back anyway, she never appeared exasperated or gave me ultimatums. Now that I'm out the other side and I can see the wood from the trees, my gratitude to her is immeasurable. She gave me somewhere to turn to and a shoulder to cry on when I most needed it, and allowed me to come to my own conclusions without hurrying me (because that would have just backfired and I would have cut her out like everyone else).

You need to calm down, take a breath, and distance your own issues from your friends. Be a friend to her. Be there if it falls apart, and DO NOT force her to do anything.

Now, I can understand where you are coming from totally, and I suppose my lack of detail in my opening post would lead you to believe that I'm judging their relationship based on mine.

However, in fact, it was me myself who told my friend that all relationships are different and that just because mine ended badly, didn't mean that hers would.

However, it genuinely looks like it is going that way. And worse, she seems to be (a) accepting that and (b) using what I said back then to convince herself that her situation is different.

One thing I will say is that I don't know what their relationship is like behind closed doors, only her version of it and yes, based on that I can't make accurate predictions, but, to use her own words, when I asked her if she was okay " I am now, but I don't know for how long" I'm aware that this could mean a number of things, not necessarily domestic violence, but you must agree it's not good.

LegacyUser

Paulie Gualtieri wrote: »

There are a lot of counseling services country wide , I would not steer your friend in either direction , just be there for her but at the same time don't let her put all her problems on your shoulders , just listen and if she ask for advice , give it . otherwise you could get the blame for them breaking up and end up losing a friend in the process , have you ever seen this couple happy? are there drink/drug problems?

To answer your question, yes, I have seen them happy. However, they seem to go from one extreme to the next - they are either all over one another, "babe this, babe that" or they are screaming at each other on the porch.

They have a very public Facebook relationship where they post many a loving, soppy message, but i cant help feeling it's all pretence.

There are no drink or drugs problems, both work and work hard and they are in early 30s

alias06

You can give advice but you can't make her take it. You bring your perspective. She has her own. She probably gets advice from other people as well. She weighs everything up in her own head and makes her decision. Once you've given her your two cents you've done your bit.