Homesick in the States

LegacyUser

I met the most amazing girl a couple of years ago from the West Coast of America and fell in Love instantly. Left Ireland including my sick mum, to move to the West Coast as she has a couple of children from a previous marriage. Acees is share almost equally.

We are now married and have recently had our first daughter. I Love her so much and she makes me incredibly happy but I find myself getting increasingly homesick and feel it is getting worse. I am missing home so much, everything from my family, that familiarity of home, the shops, my favourite tv shows, I miss slagging off the Late Late Show while still watching it, I miss Marks and Spencer and there ready made meals !!! I miss our lack of manners, I miss hearing people swear even though I don't swear myself ,yes I even miss the things that used to drive me mad, God it would be nice to walk around a grocery store without being approached down every isle asking if I needed help finding something. America feels so different, it feels so vast !! we may share a similar language but daily life feels so different, their are times when I just feel completely lost and I get this horrible sinking feeling inside.

It just feels so far from home on the West Coast, the East Coast would at least be nearer and cheaper to make that holiday trip home.

I miss my mum so much, wish I could hug her and at least visit her semi regularly, I miss my family, most seem to be mad that I left for the States and have not been home since.

I find it even harder at times that my daughter has been born, my wife doesn't have a huge amount of family near by,but her mum visits a lot and us to her, and I love that my little girl gets to see her and I get on great with my mother in law, I Love the family time we all have together and the way I have been excepted so quickly. I just wish my little girl had a relationship with her other side of the family. I want my mum to hold her even though my mum wouldn't recognize me now. I would love for my little girl to grow up in Ireland and yes that may be possible in ten years time.

I have good days and bad days, but this last week has been very tough, not sure why I am writing this, just wanted to write. I can talk to my wife and she is a great listener and is so patient, but until you have moved, I don't think you can fully appreciate what it is like.

Anyone else out there suffering homesickness ? I feel guilty for feeling homesick but can't help it.

Kevster

Well, my story overlaps yours, but just in a small way...

I moved to New York earlier this year but returned after 2-3 months. I'm still unsure of the exact reasons why I returned (I had a US Visa for 3 years and an employment contract), but life in general became intolerable living in Midtown Manhattan. While there, I talked to people back home every weekend and that seemed to stave away the actual feeling of loneliness, but not the frustration and stress of New York life in general.

Do you have Skype? It's dirt cheap to use and to call anyone in the world. Plus, with a good connection you can have video on.

Kevin

clairefontaine

Hey OP,

Homesickness is so hard and so hard to make you feel better. Ive been away from home for long stretches and no amount of skype or food imports can stave off the feelings of alienation and disarray, and just wanting to spend one day with people you dont have to explain everything to, you can just take shortcuts, etc...

My parents used to miss their home country to at times, and so would their friends and would say when they fell into a homesick rut and wanted to go back, "remember why you left."

Seattle is very very far away and with the distance travelling, the expense, and the time zone differences, staying in touch is bit tricky. There must be an Irish community you can link up with no?

Being an immigrant too is so hard. You are torn between two options, you can either go through the pains of transformation and meld into the American life or you can choose to remain with your heart and identity elsewhere and live basically in exile in the US. This is really really hard,either way.

You may think you can move back one day, but a couple of things to keep in mind is the country will be different to what you left, it wont remain chiseled in memory and also your child is American and being raised an American. If you move back with her when she is 9, you will be demanding that she live as an immigrant in Ireland and face the experiences you are experiencing now.

beks101

Is there any way you could set up an arrangement where you return home say once a year or so? I understand the difficulties in being so far away with long distance flights, work commitments etc - but that's what really helped me to stave off the homesickness when I lived abroad. Having a "date" to look forward to, giving everyone a heads up and organizing meet-ups and excursions for that set time period in advance. It's what helped me to stay "connected" to people too - I wasn't completely off the radar for friends and family because they knew that I'd be back for a visit in a few months etc.

It might help you to re-connect with family as well - I think the fact that you sense some of them mightn't be on good terms with you must make it doubly hard. I don't know how I would've survived if I didn't have my family to lean on when I was abroad. Skype is another great suggestion although you really do have to make the time and commit to it - usually Skyping family members or friends on the same day / same time every week worked for me.

The other important thing to remember is that living abroad can really mess with your head and alter the perception you have of life back home. I'm back from Canada about three weeks and my expectations of the things I would do / indulge in / enjoy was way off the reality of actually being here - the mundanity of every day life doesn't take long to set in. (I haven't bought shares in Galaxy Minstrels yet or binge-bought Barry's Tea, for example!)

I HANKERED after so much of what makes up "Irish food" or "Irish culture" for so long, and have discovered that once you have complete access to it again, it loses it's shine and you're a bit "meh" about it really. And the reverse reaction can be true with some things - I miss the politeness and positivity of people in Canada and I used to "miss" the banter and casual, impromptu conversations of Ireland when I lived over there. A few weeks in, the "smallness" of Ireland is already bugging me and I really, really miss the vast, busy, chaotic landscape of a big North American city. I miss being anonymous, I miss the endless opportunity.

And also - to be frank - Ireland is most likely a very different place from the country you left many years ago. What's hit me the most is the "silence" of my hometown (and I live in a city) - everyone has gone. The people who haven't, have moved on with their lives and I am largely out of the loop. It will take a while to "fit" back in (indeed if I end up staying at all), with those people and also personally, as there are so many cultural, social and psychological adjustments.

TLDR: Try to visit semi-regularly. Home is important. BUT: the grass isn't greener. Take it from a returned emigrant.

R.D. aka MR.D

I've spent a lot of time living away in different parts of the world, in South America and Asia. I'm actually just back from the US.

I always missed home a lot while I was away. Obviously things in Asia are completely different but even the small things in America were equally as infuriating.

All i can say now that I am home again is that the memory that i have of 'home' is not the reality of home. Things and people have moved on in my absence. I'm in peoples way because i'm visiting for such a long time (over a month). Things aren't as rosy as i remember them.

Life is hard in Asia but it's also hard here for very different reasons. I'll be leaving soon for Asia again and I just hope that when the time comes that i'm hoping that i'm in Ireland and i'm awfully homesick that I can have a more realistic picture of how things are.

I don't know if that is any comfort to you but what i'm trying to say is that you should relax and try to enjoy your new life because in reality the old one that you remember doesn't exist.

iusedtoknow

I really feel for you - I am down in the Bay area and sometimes the distance gets to me. I've lived away from Ireland for close on 7 years (previously in Spain) but never felt the distance until we moved here to San Francisco. From Spain, I was only 2 hours away by flight and could go pretty much whenever I wanted (not that I did, however the option was there).

Have you settled into the US? Do you have a circle of friends that you can go and watch a game with, sit in the pub and chew the cud or help on projects etc? It takes effort but it is worth it - i have started to get local friends (also have a couple of irish lads that are friends of friends from Ireland) and it really makes a big difference to feeling settled.

The other thing is, maybe you should try and get back to Ireland, even just for a visit - not for a "big occasion" like christmas or something, but for a mundane 2 or 3 weeks where life is going on as normal, where people are tied to their jobs (or unable to go out cos they're on the dole and trying to make ends meet). I got back with 2 days notice in May for for around $800 (via JFK to Dub) and was struck by how it was a very VERY different country to the one I left in 2006. I've been back and forth so many times but I suppose now with a different perspective, my quality of life here in the US is far better than it was in Spain or could ever be in Ireland.

Also, as to your comment about the east coast being easier...it actually isn't - I have a cousin and a mate that lives there, and they get back about as much as I do.

Chin up....we all get these feelings every now and then, it's how we deal with them that matters

MadMardegan

I'm hoping to emigrate as soon as I can, reading these replies really makes me second guess my decision though.

franklyon

you can watch the late late show on RTE player if you go home for 2 weeks before christmas the flights are €568. I get homesick every so often too so I feel your pain. I am sure your wife will understand seeing as it has been so long. Book that flight, and make sure to give your mother a hug.
also google Hola Unblocker will let you watch a lot of shows on RTE that are geo blocked

fionan

Hey, I'm in Seattle as well, and have had similar times of uncertainty and homesickness. If you want to find a way to connect to the Irish community, let me know. I'm not a big part of it, but there are some cool things going on from time to time. Or if you just feel the need to have a venting board, feel free to get in touch. Hoping you feel better soon. This will pass. I promise.

Merkin

Seattle wrote: »

I miss my mum so much, wish I could hug her and at least visit her semi regularly, I miss my family, most seem to be mad that I left for the States and have not been home since.

I find it even harder at times that my daughter has been born, my wife doesn't have a huge amount of family near by,but her mum visits a lot and us to her, and I love that my little girl gets to see her and I get on great with my mother in law, I Love the family time we all have together and the way I have been excepted so quickly. I just wish my little girl had a relationship with her other side of the family. I want my mum to hold her even though my mum wouldn't recognize me now.

The above really struck me. I've lived all over the World and like any relationship, a relationship by distance takes work. But just how lucky are we as a generation to have Facetime and Skype? Think of all the poor Irish emigrants who left Ireland years ago never to return and only to have sporadic letters to keep them connected to loved ones they have left behind and sometimes never to see again? Of course being physically in someones company cannot be replaced, regular Facetime dates and chats are just wonderful and a great way to keep yourself in people's memories. I am acutely aware sometimes of missing out on all the amazing things my little nephew is doing and would love nothing more than a snuggle but we talk all the time, as I do with everyone else in my family and it's great.

I'd advise you to really start exploiting all the web-based avenues for keeping in touch, by doing so you're Mum will be seamlessly be part of her little granddaughter's life so when they do meet it won't be a big shock to anyone. I appreciate Seattle is eight hours behind but you just have to prearrange Skype and Facetimes dates and make the time to really nurture those relationships that are important to you. And as for the people who are angry that you left Ireland? I bet they probably are not angry at that but angry that you're not making more of an effort to keep in touch - it's absolutely vital that you do.

OPENROAD

I am the OP, decided I would drop my mask of anonymity

Thank you all for the advice, was feeling very low yesterday, thankfully today is a better day.