Two dilemmas, sexless marriage & worried about dreams

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'd really appreciate some advice on the following two problems I'm having. I'll start with the first one, which is probably the cause of the second one.

I'm in a sexless marriage and I actually feel like I am starting to get depressed about this, if that's possible.
We are very newly married and prior to our wedding, the sex was not frequent enough for my liking. There was always some excuse for my now husband, work, family stresses (we don't have children, his own family), tired, stressed about this that and the other. These were, as I say, just excuses, there has, in my opinion, been nothing in his life that would affect him so badly and these alleged stresses haven't had a negative impact on any other area of his life, including our relationship, aside from sex.
We get on so well, have so much in common, don't hold each other back, have outside interests, have a laugh together etc. etc., all that good stuff. We are also very very fortunate in that we have no money worries whatsoever.

My husband now doesn't even bother with the excuses and just makes no effort whatsoever to enjoy an intimate relationship with me.
We consummated our marriage the day we got married 3 months ago and the next time after that was over 3 weeks ago and I suppose I now feel like we're heading into another 3 month spell of nothing.

It is starting to make me feel really depressed. It upsets me. I cry about it a lot. It is constantly on my mind.
I have done all I can think of to try to help the situation, I suppose it's the kind of stuff everyone tries - sexy underwear, making the bedroom as cosy and romantic as possible, I spent over a year trying to be understanding and let him take his time with whatever it was he needed to get his head around - nothing has worked.
I take care of myself, I am an attractive woman. I always look after my appearance, wear nice clothes, get my hair done etc.

I have tried talking to my husband about this problem, since long before he became my husband, and he is always full or promises. I have asked him to go to the doctor to determine if it is something medical but he insists that his doctor has told him he needs to improve his diet (he is a very slim man). I make good healthy home cooked meals but he still eats junk on his own time. He insists he is attracted to me and tells me I am beautiful.

I don't understand how I can feel so alive with sexual energy when we're lying in bed together and he doesn't, or does he?

I am feeling totally bewildered and lost in this situation.
Can anyone help me?

My second problem is, I think, caused by the first one. I am obviously very sexually frustrated at this point. I am a young woman and I have always had a big sexual desire. The fact that I am frustrated has started to show up in other parts of my life. I find myself day-dreaming about every man I meet. Thinking to myself things like, what he could do to me etc. I have also started having very erotic dreams about my exes, in particular exes with whom I would've had a brilliant connection sexually. Don't get me wrong, sex with my husband is amazing and always feels great, but it's the frequency of it that's the problem.

I am worried if this day-dreaming and erotic dreams is my subconscious telling me I want to cheat. It is something I have never done and something I have never thought about doing but I wonder is this problem with my husband getting beyond fixing.

I would really appreciate any advice about this. I love my husband dearly and if our sex life could improve I would be 100% happy but right now, I'm not.

jdsk2006

You need to take deep breath and tell your husband what you just told us. Tell him everything, be brutally honest and include the dreams etc. He needs to know fully the true extent of the issues in his marraige before the cracks become craters

daisydotty

Hi confusedandworried

I feel like I could have written that post! Like you I was in a marriage until June where the majority of the time it was sexless. Sent him to doc etc etc. He had numerous blood tests done etc. Always put it down to stress/weight. I just found it was a vicious circle of me not saying anything for a few weeks or months sometimes. I felt if I kept saying it, id put more pressure on him. then when I did leave it for ages, it would build up inside and it would end up with me losing the plot or crying. so that just continued on a regular basis.

We otherwise had a great relationship and did get married but I walked away after 3 years (there were other major reasons too!) but I remember in May I waited up for him to come home as he was working late. he thought I was asleep so I said hiya when he walked into the bedroom. he got into the bed, kissed me, turned around and went to sleep with his back to me and I bawled!!I just knew a marriage like this was not for me. the rejection was just so horrible. It makes you feel unattractive and lonely. the lack of sex just totally affected the intimacy of our relationship.

I genuinely thought that when we were getting married that it was something I could put up with. we would have been very affectionate and lots of hugging, kissing but I found when you're not having sex with someone, you lose that closeness and bond overtime. We just became totally cold and not even affectionate. it was hard to walk away and it has been a bit of a rollercoaster but I'm getting on with life and I'm so much happier.

I'm not saying this is the answer for you but sex is so important in a relationship and unfortunately became a deal breaker for me. I'm only 32! I used to be so jealous listening to my friends who were having great sex with their husbands/partners, it would make me just so sad inside.

Anyway I hope ye can get through this but it is something that is left fester, that I think overtime will affect a marriage and you seriously. I was the same with dreams and I thing that's completely normal. Especially when its on your mind. If you could I would maybe suggest going to the gp with him. Perhaps his hormone levels are way off. I know my ex husbands GP did lots of hormone tests on him. Hope things can improve for you!x

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

You need to take deep breath and tell your husband what you just told us. Tell him everything, be brutally honest and include the dreams etc. He needs to know fully the true extent of the issues in his marraige before the cracks become craters

I have told him everything else, except for the dreams, which are a fairly new occurence. Do you think he would be hurt if I told him about the dreams? If this is a medical problem that he just can't accept and hasn't told me about I would hate to really damage his self-esteem in that way.

LegacyUser

daisydotty wrote: »

Hi confusedandworried

I feel like I could have written that post! Like you I was in a marriage until June where the majority of the time it was sexless. Sent him to doc etc etc. He had numerous blood tests done etc. Always put it down to stress/weight. I just found it was a vicious circle of me not saying anything for a few weeks or months sometimes. I felt if I kept saying it, id put more pressure on him. then when I did leave it for ages, it would build up inside and it would end up with me losing the plot or crying. so that just continued on a regular basis.

We otherwise had a great relationship and did get married but I walked away after 3 years (there were other major reasons too!) but I remember in May I waited up for him to come home as he was working late. he thought I was asleep so I said hiya when he walked into the bedroom. he got into the bed, kissed me, turned around and went to sleep with his back to me and I bawled!!I just knew a marriage like this was not for me. the rejection was just so horrible. It makes you feel unattractive and lonely. the lack of sex just totally affected the intimacy of our relationship.

I genuinely thought that when we were getting married that it was something I could put up with. we would have been very affectionate and lots of hugging, kissing but I found when you're not having sex with someone, you lose that closeness and bond overtime. We just became totally cold and not even affectionate. it was hard to walk away and it has been a bit of a rollercoaster but I'm getting on with life and I'm so much happier.

I'm not saying this is the answer for you but sex is so important in a relationship and unfortunately became a deal breaker for me. I'm only 32! I used to be so jealous listening to my friends who were having great sex with their husbands/partners, it would make me just so sad inside.

Anyway I hope ye can get through this but it is something that is left fester, that I think overtime will affect a marriage and you seriously. I was the same with dreams and I thing that's completely normal. Especially when its on your mind. If you could I would maybe suggest going to the gp with him. Perhaps his hormone levels are way off. I know my ex husbands GP did lots of hormone tests on him. Hope things can improve for you!x

The bit in bold has really stuck out for me. I find that this has started to happen. The other day we were sitting watching a movie and at the same time I was reading from a magazine on a topic that we both have an interest in. We were chatting and laughing and engaging in an interesting conversation and it made me almost feel like crying because the last time I felt close to him like that was just after the wedding.

I'm only 26. I don't get jealous of other people talking about their relationships, I get embarrassed. Embarrassed that we are newly married, we are young, we both have a lot less stress in our lives than other people (no kids, no money worries etc) and yet we can't even manage to bring our sex life to a good balance for both of us.

He tells me he is not happy and satisfied with once every few months but he does nothing about it otherwise.

I have suggested the hormone tests and I have suggested that I go with him, that maybe if we spoke to the gp together that he would take it more seriously but he insists that his gp has told him to improve his diet, which he makes no effort with apart from the good meals I cook him.

Thanks for the replies so far.

daisydotty

I can relate to the embarrassment too. I lost weight after the wedding and a lot of people said "oh ye must be at it night and day-hes keeping you fit"-all that sort of thing and I was like oh god if ye only knew. Or the other dreaded question "any news?" and I'm thinking oh well there might be if we were having sex! my ex husband wasn't overweight as such but genuinely when he was quite fit and in the gym a lot, things improved. Communication is key in this issue and that's where I messed up-id leave it for weeks and then have the meltdown and then feel guilty as its such a confidence thing for a man. but actually in the end, I don't think he really cared. So you're doing the right thing by being open with him and hopefully his GP might help a bit more

jdsk2006

confusedandworried wrote: »

I have told him everything else, except for the dreams, which are a fairly new occurence. Do you think he would be hurt if I told him about the dreams? If this is a medical problem that he just can't accept and hasn't told me about I would hate to really damage his self-esteem in that way.

That's true but did you not say gp already been consulted? Id imagine gp would have explored the possibility of this being a medical problem for your husband.
The real damage in all this is happening to your relationship and if i was personally in your shoes i would ramp up my fight for my marraige......look at it as opening his eyes as opposed to coldly hurting his feeling

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

That's true but did you not say gp already been consulted? Id imagine gp would have explored the possibility of this being a medical problem for your husband.
The real damage in all this is happening to your relationship and if i was personally in your shoes i would ramp up my fight for my marraige......look at it as opening his eyes as opposed to coldly hurting his feeling

I meant what if this is a medical problem that his gp has "diagnosed" but my husband can't accept it or doesn't want to tell me out of embarrassment.

I take the rest of your post on board. Thank you.

jdsk2006

confusedandworried wrote: »

I meant what if this is a medical problem that his gp has "diagnosed" but my husband can't accept it or doesn't want to tell me out of embarrassment.

I take the rest of your post on board. Thank you.

Ok i understand. Communications between you guys appears to be superficial if you don't mind me saying. Banter and crack is essential in everyday life but the real heart to hearts is what cements everything. Would you consider couples therapy? You could approach it as being predominantly your inability to communicate easily bout the deep stuff - might make him feel less under attack so to speak. A counselor will take lead on this issue for you and id bet your hubby will hear a third party a lot louder too.

Merkin

Have you guys ever had a busy and fun sex life or has it always been like this? What about when you were dating? How long have you been together? I'm curious as to whether you've been together years and have had a healthy sex life at some stage and the minute you get married it is gone or is it a case that sex has always been this infrequent? If so, was this ever addressed before you actually got married?

I think this needs to be addressed really head-on to be honest. I agree wholeheartedly with jdsk2006 that your communication seems to consist of friendly banter etc but the gargantuan elephant in the room is being ignored. Would you show him this thread?

Secondly, don't worry a jot about the dreams. You're a normal young woman with a normal libido - it's no wonder you're having dreams, I'd be tearing my hair out at this stage.

It really is time to ask some very difficult questions. One being does he fancy you? Secondly is he gay? Thirdly, why did he marry you if he doesn't want to have sex with you?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice jdsk. I'm not sure how he will take to the idea of counselling, he's very much so the type of person who would view someone going to counselling as being a whinger and a bit dramatic and that you should just get on with life. I will try to talk him around.

Hi Merkin, we are together 5 years, for the first 2 sex was great, really fantastic, the following 1.5 years it was a bit less because there were some genuine stresses in both our lives at that time and i suppose it's never really recovered from that time, the past year and a half i'd say we've had sex 10 times maybe.

I wouldn't show him this thread as I think he would feel attacked, i know people are just being honest and helpful but i know him and he wouldn't see it that way.

I've just texted him to say i think we should sit down tonight and have a chat about things so hopefully we can get things out in the open.

Thanks for all the advice.

Merkin

confusedandworried wrote: »

Hi Merkin, we are together 5 years, for the first 2 sex was great, really fantastic, the following 1.5 years it was a bit less because there were some genuine stresses in both our lives at that time and i suppose it's never really recovered from that time, the past year and a half i'd say we've had sex 10 times maybe.

OK, well I think it's a good start that you both once enjoyed a really good sex life together, that's a good basis to work off and it certainly sounds more likely to be due to stress/low libido than some other deep-rooted issue.

I hope the chat goes well with him tonight. Definitely time to be more open about how badly this is effecting you.